Wow Has Time Flown By

o so it has been a year since posting to this blog. i'm not certain where to start as i am not certain, either, where i left off.

Hmmm after checking the last post, it seems this blog is full of a lot of pain - but isn't that just life? there are moments of wonder, joy of moments taking place, never hoped for. and times of heartbreaking loneliness and pain.

heck of an intro for this 'catch-up with becca'...

i am about 1/2 way through pursuit of a bs in psychology. my mission: to work with trafficked individuals. my hope: to have a home where they can live in safety and discover the identity of self, stolen from them. all i have planned right now is to finish up this course of study and believe He will drop in my heart what master's degree to begin, or place to work/volunteer for some real life experience. or... there may even be other options, just not certain at this point. reminder to self - each time all has been readily available when needed, even a bit before needed. (thank You for keeping me in peace :)!!)

personally, i ran into an old... umm classmate from my hometown on facebook - so 'ran into' may not be the proper descriptive phrase, but there it is, it is late, and i don't want to press the 'backspace' button to get it cleared up. he and i started talking (yes this was the original point of the paragraph....) in june of 2010. seeing how my last post was in feb 2010 i am a little amazed at how quickly this great guy was brought into the picture. i was seriously believing that God wanted me just for Himself and the heck with all my dreams of family, marriage, etc. though i knew He would work things out beautifully in each area i dreamed about, i just thought there would be no man involved, maybe many friends helping me help kids... or something that could be more confusing if i attempt to explain at this time of the morning.

SOOO, scot and i have been talking about our future, values (that was hard to pin down cuz those aren't things one walks around thinking about everyday, took me forever to see what i truly value cuz i had to go looking at my actions... and then revamp cuz some of my actions scared me as they were linked to stinky values... and ummm here i am..), what we think of God, and many other conversations yet to be had but that have been introduced into the mix by some pretty goofy and intense discussions. i like scot :)!! apparently he likes me too. we are contemplating what life would be like as companions. there is some work to be done, and more getting to know one another, however i am encouraged by the methodology and interaction. heck i have no idea how to have a relationship so this is all pretty scary; it is good to have someone in the thick with me. o and we have discussed family genealogy to some extent to be certain we are not secretly long lost cousins...

i have moved in with a girlfriend and am renting a room from her. i like having a place with other people around. i desire interaction and need rough edges knocked off from living by myself for so long. it is strange to share food and supplies, along with the dividing up of space - or rather sharing since there are three of us living in a house with a dog, a cat, and a guinea pig (yes, gilbert lives..).

i don't know why, but suddenly i miss my dad. strange to find myself thinking about him right now. he has been gone for a little over 4 years. i have found myself grieving odd things and at odd times over the past three weeks. mostly i think i miss relationships that could have been.

i have been reading this delightful book by donald miller called searching for God knows what. the theme i keep being pulled to is that God is relational. there is no room for formulas and step by step actions to get anywhere. nothing more i can do but get to know Him and share Him with others. i was admitting yesterday that i am horrible in relationships. i talk a lot and forget to listen, and when i am listening i find too often that i jump in with my own thing - you know 'personal experience to help me, or them, know i am empathic'... i find selfishness all over my actions, motivation that is about me and what i think is best for me. this is hard; specially when i can't see the person that is on the other side.... (hmmm like having this long distance relationship with scot - i don't get to see his facial reactions and sometimes have to ask a lot of questions to know what is going on). and i have so many questions that i seem to undermine setting aside time to interact with Him, choosing instead to chase some thing, numbing out the need and desire to focus on this relationship.

boy life is up and down. i remember being in His peace and love. it was as if i was marvelous, perfectly crafted and all the scary would somehow be okay. i did not get beat to far down on what i was able or unable to do because i knew He was in it all with me. that was a safe place. that is the place i want to find myself in again. i also remember there was a lot of pain. i had to face what scared me and allow reality to set in. boy that sucked. i wanted to run from all that was going on, anything to stop the pain and wounding for a little while. and there was not always relief going to Him, at least not immediately. there was excruciating confessions of loneliness, confusion, self-loathing, rejection, questions whether i could be loved or wanted - ever. and when all that was poured out somehow calm came. this peace was able to get into me. and when i got to a place where i was not so scared, His love was able to wrap me up.

yep i want that again. so i'm gonna get done here and see about curling up in some peace.

night.