Rejection Sucks

a few days ago i woke up from a dream that left me deeply despairing. i was doing everything possible to change into the type of person my ex-husband would want. problem: i had no idea what he wanted.

it seemed there were several dreams with this theme. consisting of trying to become something that would be accepted by him. i woke with a strong knowledge that i would never be able to be what he wanted, and i found myself in a place of sadness i don't have words for. the knowledge of knowing it was his issue that could not allow him to accept me stung deeply.

i remember him telling me the reason he wanted to marry me was because he was ready to get married. actually he was never interested in me as a partner/wife/friend/person, nothing, ever. i just did not catch on. i was thinking i would able to have a marriage without any sort of knowledge of one another. not a good reason to marry, let me give you a heads up.

so for the past several days i have been walking around with this horrible feeling of rejection. knowing, in my head, using logical thinking, that the problem was not that i was not good enough to be with, but that he didn't know how to be with anyone. it was not something bad ABOUT me, it was ABOUT him. but that doesn't make me feel better.

i have this strange thing about me that says i am ok enough to be with in a marriage, maybe not to be everyone's best friend, but that i should have been alright in a marriage.  i was willing to work on anything that needed worked on. there is the part where he said it himself - he saw problems and just sat back to let the relationship fall apart, and that he was done, he was not going to try. can't argue with that...

i did my best to acknowledge and change behaviors and thought patterns to save that marriage. i can acknowledge my part of the breakdown, and admit where i was wrong.  i am not saying it was all on one or the other of us.

all that to get to this: why am i still struggling with feeling so rejected?!! it is driving me nuts. it is a vicious cycle. i thought i was over all this.

the marriage was over before it started nine years ago. i have been divorced from the man for a year and a half, december 2010.  we separated march  2008!!!!  how much time does it take to recover? i am getting angry that this is still happening to me.

will i ever get rid of this ghost?  this seems so ridiculous to me, and i am not wanting to face the feelings, even though i know that not dealing can slow, even stop, moving forward...ever. i just want it to be like the man never entered my life, and i never had the heart ache.

there are times i pull to an intersection and am hit with the knowledge of how close the home we had is to that location. places i feel like i am trespassing on his space. 

truth is i really want it to go away so i can continue on in a free and clear relationship with a great guy, who wants to take the time to find me and marry me, cuz he wants me, not just because he wants to get married. this baggage sucks.  i don't want to be carrying a lot of it around, it is heavy.

so here i am with a bunch of unanswered questions. (i know there will be people in my life that truly don't like me, the thought turns me cold to be honest, and even people i truly don't like, not certain i like that either... so i can deal with that as it comes)  what is it going to take to relinquish the feeling of rejection,(even if it stems back to my dad, i can't resolve it, he is dead) i will most likely not resolve this with my ex-husband.

so what can i do about getting rid of this?? i keep getting blindsided with stuff from that marriage, and honestly i don't like it. i kinda fear it will hang on to me, maybe forever.

i don't want that to shadow my relationship with this great guy, who says we will deal with it. (sometimes i think he is too good to be true actually, someone who will partner with me through the crap life throws. and is he real??) not that i want to test this, but: when is too much too much? when do you throw in the towel? is this guy serious about walking life together no matter what we have to face? i sure would hate to believe it and see it not happen. right now i see a lot of talk with little follow through, but the talk is good and matches up with what i am saying also. time will tell and i am not good at being patient :P

wherever You are in this, just hold me close - whenever i let You close enough to.

i realize i have been quite prickly and distracted. 

i have forced things in the past, and got a crappy results, with even crappier relationships. i would rather not press into anything that will bring such torment.

i know rejection is not from Your hands. is this the consequence of something?.. maybe not drawing close to You and finding in You what i am looking elsewhere for. 

i know i am hurting. i know Your love has changed my life. i know i am better because of You. when i move away from You all this crazy stuff happens, peace is lost, vision skewed, i just don't operate so well without You. 

i just don't feel like turning to You yet.

that is crazy. Jesus, i feel that telling You i am sorry is pointless because i am not certain i am ready for anything to change, who am i kidding, i can't change anything about myself apart from Your love making it possible. i guess i will get no action until i wrap up in You. show me again how to do this because i feel like i have lost my way and don't remember the key to getting back to You.