a few days ago i was talking to my girlfriend about my relationship with scot. i was saying how we have gotten more physical than either of us wanted to (amazing what a kiss can turn into and how chemicals in the brain can get you all worked up...) and now we were having to back track to keep each other safe. i was telling her how i had gotten hit with the realization that i was cheating on Jesus, in using scot to feel good physically.
this whole thought process started the week i spent with scot and his family over christmas. i was in the back seat listening to scot and his dad talk while we were driving to the place regina, his mom, did manufacturing work. scot and i had just spent time getting to involved the previous evening. in the back seat of the car i could feel myself sitting in Jesus' lap (i know but go with me on this one, cuz it was fantastically real...), and He was telling me how he loved me. i was feeling guilty and not really liking that He was being so loving to me - the harlot. He said 'do you know that I am truly jealous over you? I do not want to share you with anyone right now, not the way you are desiring to interact with scot. I want what is best for you and scot, for your present as well as your future and to do that you must do this relationship with him right. when it is time I will gladly give you to him, until then there is a best and better way to proceed for the wholeness of your relationship.'
honestly there was no bashing me in this conversation. He was all love for me. i knew that where scot and i were treading was dangerous, just felt so nice to be held and loved, you know, in that physical way. yet the consequences could be loss of trust, slowing down the natural development in our relationship, and who wants to be a slave to chemical hormones running amuck in the brain - i am more of an adult than that!!!
so fast forward to two nights ago, chatting with my girlfriend. i blurted out that anything i did with scot that led me away from God's provision was like cheating. being unfaithful. not only what i do with another person, but any way i try to fill the void, the place in me that God knows how to fill, that right there, that action, is unfaithfulness. i am a cheater. and i am not okay with that revelation. i want to stay away from that characteristic. i truly want the behavior exposed as early as possible so i can take steps away from being unfaithful. Jesus is always faithful to me, always loving and never selfish when it comes to me. i want to emulate that character, even though it costs me. (and i really don't like paying the fee either)
last night i was talking to scot about what causes a spouse to cheat. he brought it to the simple statement of not getting a need met by the other person. i want to go even more simplistic - cheating comes from trying to fill any need or desire through using what is not meant for that need and desire.
truth be told, whenever the need or desire is filled by what is meant for that need and desire, there is balance in other areas. so to put this in something visual, because i feel what i just typed is a bit confusing.... if i am lonely, feeling desperate for connection and i go to the fridge looking for something to numb or help me fill that need (even though i am not hungry and most-likely do not even consider that the need is for companionship and the ability to be in my vulnerable state of loneliness...), all i have done by consuming all the calories is consume a bunch of calories which will make me feel horrible later, and stuffed the pain for a few minutes. the loneliness doesn't go away or get taken care of. HOWEVER, if i go to Jesus and tell Him how lonely i am feeling, how i am angry there is no one to have wrap their arms around me and help the pain go away, if i tell Him that i wish He would hurry up and provide the season for companionship, and basically allow myself to expose all the thoughts and hurts i am feeling and believing in my soul, He then has the opportunity, again, here i have to allow Him to care for me (i can deny Him this if i do not trust that He is for my good, or any other myriad reasons...) and He will fill my soul with the beautiful words i so need to know. He will comfort me and bring joy, peace, life, and love, all i need at that very moment, into my being. then when i go to the fridge, i can say no to the food and only eat when i have a need for the food. see He can take care of the issue, so when i actually need what i was going to turn to for comfort the food is used for the purpose intended - to nourish and fill the hunger need.
Jesus, i do appreciate that You are showing me what is going on in my soul. i realize i whine about my current condition an awful lot, and i know i do not trust You fully so i ask You to help me trust You. You have proven over and over that You turn all crappy things around and bring beauty to me and my life. thank You for being who You are, simply the BEST. i fall short of all i hope to be. but somehow You see me as wonderful and worth any effort. i am numbed at the knowledge that i am unfaithful, though You have allowed me to see this behavior again and again. help me in this area to not be unfaithful. help me to honor You . Jesus, i realize i am human and fallible, i will not be perfect in this life, but i sure don't want to behave as i do. help me, i am lost without You. thank You, You grant grace for each day and make mercy full for me. You truly love me, help me to love You.
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