Facing Giants

i feel chipper this morning.  i am thinking it is crazy that a four, maybe six, hour conversation with the one i love can bring me back into such a place of balance and peace.  i want relationships to be right and it tears me up when things feel out of place.

i hate when things feel out of order and miscommunicated, or not communicated at all.  when i was able to figure out what was bothering me and where it was coming from, being able to talk about it without anger, but showing the honest hurt, was refreshing, scary but refreshing. 

i am sincerely afraid of being rejected, being overly needy, wanting too much and then being disappointed, and pretty much driving someone crazy.  so when i notice something is wrong, whether in me or with the relationship, i get freaked out immediately and don't want to face it.  what if it is relationship breaking?!!  what if it can't change or be worked through?  what if i raise the issue and then there is nothing done, or no lasting change?  that would break my heart because what was important enough to bring up and possibly vital to the relationship, is being ignored or said it is not important.  and that feels like i am not important.

so anyway the talk went well, there are still fears about whether the change will last more than a day or two.  i give credit that this long distant relationship has done pretty well for 8 months of separation.  i am getting to the point where he better get up here, though there is grace for some of the issues we are currently facing.  i believe he thinks he is facing them alone.  hmm, how do i get in there and face this stuff with him?

i love him more than i knew i would be able to love again.  You have truly done a work in my heart and life.  i hoped to love, i hoped to have someone love me, but i did not know it could happen like this and so soon.  thank You.

i realize trust is a whole other issue.  i realize it was hard to trust before this last issue of feeling devalued.  i have struggled with this my entire life.  i need You to get into that area of my life and heal the places where i have had value taken or given it up.  i invite You, Jesus, to come into my heart, mind, soul, emotions, body, every area that feels a lack of value and importance.  restore me, this issue is larger than not getting attention from him, that is only a symptom.  the bigger issue is underneath and i need You to set me free and heal my life so i can continue moving forward.  i don't want to stagnate here.