ok so it is now wednesday night, almost thursday morning. and i am going to blog about a dream from sunday night... yes, i too question where the time has gone, and in actuality i have been wrestling with the meaning of this dream and think i have come to a reasonable conclusion.
so the dream - where i can now recall, because i have let so much time pass - starts with my ex-husband angrily pushing me around. he is actually quite violent (which is not like him at all, he was very much in control any time he was angry..) toward me, so much so that i am quite frightened. he is dragging me around by the arm, and then we are in a car. somehow a lit cigarette is in his hand and he is attempting to burn me. thank goodness it is a dream; even so i am a little baffled at not feeling any pain. i struggle to get the cigarette out of his hand and push it through the cracked window. the next scene is the inside of a home, a kitchen kinda reminiscent of where i grew up, only not as nice and a slightly different layout. there are three or four people pressed against a counter and he is threatening them to not do anything while he "takes care of me", i know i am in trouble and feel a little panicked. i also realize these are family members, not immediate, but family none-the-less. i am standing by a door leading out through the garage, so i take the initiative to get out asap and drive off with someone in a car, maybe the one i arrived in, not certain at this point. whoever the driver is i feel safe and rescued. i look into a window in the house and see the man who was my ex-husband has actually turned into my ex-cousin-in-law. strange, i know...
my interpretation: i have somehow, because i don't want to admit to widely opening a door and screaming out loud "come on in and jack up my life", allowed violent behaviors, attitudes, thoughts, whatever, to come into my life and drag me around. though i am afraid of the consequences, i am not afraid enough to do anything yet. being in a car with the driver trying to burn me, harm me, shows me that my actions/belief/behavior is getting more dangerous and out of control. going into a home where my family is being threatened to do nothing, essentially being taken hostage and having to watch my behavior, etc.., destroy me, well hopefully you can see the parallel there. the good news is i am able to slip out and get away with my rescuer.
my conclusion: Jesus, will i get out that door with you and let the behaviors, thoughts, attitudes, those things getting in my way of this relationship with You, keeping me from caring for myself, and causing destruction in my relationships with others, go? or am i going to hold onto what is unhealthy? no matter what i choose i will already have consequences for how far i have come already. i find myself struggling to let You close, though You are the 'all' i need right now. what am i going to choose?
am i going to let the fear of rejection from people keep me bound to becoming what i was not created for and pull me from the One who knows me inside and out? do i really want that limitation on my life, again? it was miserable the first time around.
Jesus. You know i want what is good. all this surface running around is not what takes care of me. You take care of me. shoot, You know what i need before i am even aware of the need. this struggle is pretty much in vain for the simple fact that i would not have to struggle if i did not allow that stuff to cloud my vision and lead me away.
i think i will go back to the beginning and curl into Your arms. it is always a good idea to go back into the place i first found love and acceptance. there is nothing like having You all around me. then i can get some clarity and see what to do next.
and about this situation. help me walk in true love. please, clearly define the lines to walk. You gave, and give, me every opportunity to experience Your love. i don't want to shortchange anyone, i know i am human and easily worn out, but You can still love through me, giving me the strength and ability to go beyond my understanding and expectations. i need Your help, and first i need Your love to fill me so i have some to give out. thank You for loving me, and loving through me.
No comments:
Post a Comment