sometimes i am surprised to have hope when things seem so bleak. ok so i am surprised every time i notice hope when things seem bleak... this is no exception.
somehow, even when i feel i am going to cause some major damage, You have provided what i needed to hear.
i want to be very cautious here, i need You to help me communicate clearly in love and truth. the message may not even be heard so part of me wants to say 'oh well throw it to the wind' and just do my best to shrug it off. i know i don't have the capacity to do that however. it will be through Your grace and mercy that i do not mourn for weeks or even months. i so desire relationships to work right, i hate that this one is not.
i need You to provide each step. the time to speak, the words to say, the ground to receive; each detail done by You. i am so afraid. the rejection coming my way is going to sting, more likely cause a gaping wound. the words that may come my way, or worse the lack of words but the action, may strike deep.
i guess i need to know this is the correct move. there is wisdom in counsel. the guys i have spoken to say there is no way i should continue forward, i have had enough proof that i am not important. the gals i have spoken to say that i have already given to the point of ignoring too many red flags.
i keep pulling back to what love does, what You do. i chose to love, and to dwell in truth. i have said what is needed on my end. i have asked for an end to empty promises and a difference in behavior that says i am not important for making sacrifices. there is no change, and anger is directed at me when i say the continued actions hurt.
i don't want to be hurt and devalued any more. i don't think it is healthy to stay in this place. and You do not ask me to do what is not healthy. enabling unhealthy behavior and belief is not truth and You are truth.
i hope to have to opportunity to tell him i believe he is a great man. to tell him i don't believe he thinks he is, and that he is choosing to live from a place of failure, choosing to believe he is a failure - that is a lie!! he is capable, he can do what ever he sets his mind to do. i have watched him do it. i have heard him relate stories of great accomplishment, like it was just something one does. i do believe he is afraid of relationship. (aren't we all??) he says he has made great strides with me, i don't want to belittle any of that. so how do i tell him i can't be in this unhealthy place, even if he is making great progress?!!!! how do i tell him i love him, truly do and at the same time cannot be in a dating relationship any longer??
his actions say to me that this relationship is not important yet. and i no longer believe i should be treated as a convince. one friend mentioned i am an escape from where he finds himself now, and then if he comes here he will need a new escape - from me. that would be devastating. each person i have spoken to says to get out, i can't fix him or make anything better (i so do not want to 'fix' him. what a horrible thing for me to find out i am doing... i hoped to be one person who did not demand he be what he is not. i have failed miserably at it, so it would seem.)
if he will let me be his friend... i have found i am a good friend. in that place i don't need anything to really change about the person. i have found that i am better equipped to let someone find their steps, and love them where they are, and where they choose to go.
God this is so complicated for me right now. i ask only for Your help, i don't even know what else i need. i just don't want to do anything to damaging and i already know he will be furious. the last time i tried saying we needed to develop friendship he refused to speak to me for over a week. i don't want to experience such behavior, and i believe i set a precedent by chasing him down with texts to prove i was serious about staying in contact. if he wants to take what i am offering i will be grateful, if not then i truly hope he realizes what a crummy decision that was and is hit straight with the realization that he chose to loose a wonderful friend. i say that from a purely selfish place cuz it will hurt like crazy to have him decide he doesn't want to interact anymore. and may mean i was more invested than he could be. anyway, we all have reasons for our choices, even if we choose to ignore them.
i feel so lonely right now, and achy. please hold me close and sooth my mind and emotions. i am not made to carry all this on my own and am glad You are here. i am not really certain how to let go of my concern in this matter, so please help me there also. thank You for being faithful this entire time. i kept looking for him to fit me and make me know i was wanted. the words fell short, and the actions never materialized. You are still the only one to bring me to completion.
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