Morning After

alright so i was going to take time and spend it working on this relationship with Jesus last night. as you can probably tell from the previous sentence, it didn't happen.

i read a little more of 'searching for God knows what' by donald miller, and then checked email, shopped on ebay, checked my online class... i had started copying 'the chronicles of riddick' onto my external hard drive and soon found myself surfing and eventually i ended up watching 'dark fury'. crazy. i still am not certain why i decide to check out.

lets explore that a bit shall we? this relationship takes time. i suppose developing it costs me what i am not willing to spend. shoot, to find the answer on this one i may have to ask You.

this is crazy!!! i remember running to You. i found comfort. Love was available in plenty. why am i doing this?

k let me come at this from a different angle. maybe i am just being selfish. maybe i am being a child acting out because i don't have a man here to hold me - and just for the record there is no way a human can fill this place i know that - but i feel like a jealous (cuz of the situation with gf stuck here with son) brat. there is no way i can get taken care of the way You care for me. NO WAY!!!

i admit i am so jealous. c/k are snuggling all over the place and spending time together. i desperately want time with scot like that. (BECCA THIS GOES SO MUCH DEEPER) this relationship with You is what i am created for. i was made with this in mind: i am going to need You, desperately. this human condition to be loved and wanted, was not meant to be completed by another human, ones life will be enhanced by love from others, however not filled. why try to put what will not heal into a wound?

why am i avoiding You? this perception of what i need, the knowledge that You are willing and able to care for my need.

God, i am lonely. there is this longing in my heart for companionship. and something more than that but i don't know what words to use for a description. all the other avenues i have tried leave me numb for only a little while, and then comes a ferocious hunger. i've tried entertainment, food, staying up, going to bed early, music, exercise, reading, homework, ignoring assignments. i've asked scot to fill the need, i've ignored those around me due to my sour mood. none of it is working and i find myself more miserable with each day. hoping for the next text or phone call that does not even begin to touch this deep need. the blatant truth is - i need You, only You. at this very moment my body, soul, heart, mind, they all call out for One, and that is You. so, now that i am sitting here admitting that fact, i am not certain where to go. how to get where i need to get so i am with You. do i just sit back and relax, should i grab a pen and paper, what must i do now? cuz i need to be in Your arms. i want to be snuggled close to You and hear the beat of Your heart. i desire the sweet words You speak that flow so deep. the sweetness of Your love, Jesus i truly want You to take Your place in my life. the faithfulness You show me and devotion rend me speechless. i want this relationship with You to grow and develop, to become. as seasons ebb and flow may my heart seek Yours, may i find that You are still the foundation of my life and motivation. sweet Jesus, so many rabbit trails to wander. i don't want to get lost in this life, loosing sight of You. help me. help me in this place, the place i find myself running from You instead of into Your arms. this is the danger - demanding You fill my dreams the way i want them filled with who i want them filled. You are not a slave master demanding or not giving good to me. You fill my life with goodness, and what blesses me. i am fighting the limits i feel time has placed upon me. i know You are moving into place a beautiful scenario that i could not dream up, plan for, or prep into. somewhere here i must trust that You are aware of the time limit on my life and are not frightened by it. somehow it will all get moved into place. so help me return to the place of peace and rest against Your chest in calm. there is nothing more i can do in my strength and this wrestling around is only wearing me out. Your peaceful space is so nice and warm. maybe i will stay there for a bit. :)