relationships. there is a ton of information out and around about how to have them, how to spice them up, what to do when they go bad, how to make them better.... don't know if any of them will really work in this scenario.
i was talking to scot tonight about how having a relationship with You, being an invisible God, was similar to having a long distance relationship with him. well there was not much of a conversation, more of a light going on kinda thing. i just don't have all the skills needed for a relationship with You, any better than having a relationship long distance. it kinda is what it is...
how am i supposed to relate to You?
does one just talk at You? do i keep using my imagination to 'see' You? when i am over involved in other activities and, more likely, keeping myself busy instead of taking time to spend with You, how can i connect?
is this where i should get quiet, calm down all the thoughts that try to pop in my head (which i think i probably really need You to help with because such random things hit me), and listen/wait?
i recall past experience where i knew i was safe in You. nothing could budge me from the safety of Your arms. all around me it seemed my world was falling apart. did i get comfortable and make it difficult to hang with You?
i noticed last week having difficulty singing. it is like the words do not match my actions and i don't like saying something i am not doing. singing that i love You when i am not certain my actions show it feels like lying. yet i know i love You - actually because You love me i know i can and do love You. somehow that love is drawn out by You. just as i choose to love scot, i see that when i choose to love You the feelings and actions follow.
i think i make this overly complicated. if i would just let the simplicity of a child's actions toward one who cares for them work its way into my actions/belief system.
You care for me because You love me. You will not stop caring for me or loving me. maybe i should just choose to trust You are working out this relationship with You. i don't think You are as complicated as i am trying to make You.
maybe You want to keep me in safety, maybe You really like holding me close and telling me how and why You love me. maybe You like me being close to You and choosing to spend my time with You.
God the truth is i am uptight. i don't want to work at this. (why?? is it not rewarding enough to have my needs met and be cared for by one such as You???) i am selfish and want things to go my way - always (truly life works so much better as i do it with You instead of trying on my own..) i like to throw fits and pout. pretty much i am human in the midst of redemption. oh - and i don't like others to get in the way of what i am wanting when i am wanting it... and i am certain there are many other faults to admit, but i am getting tired, and i may still take the initiative to answer the call You have been putting out to me for like at least the past week... i am so stubborn!!! what am i waiting for?!!! get off the crazy train...
You answer my prayers in spite of what i act like. i appreciate that You provide for me and are continually faithful. i appreciate that You know what to say to me and how to bring me back into love with You. You are incomparable to any other. thank You for being who You are.
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