A Bit of Sunshine Hope

today i made the final payment on my last credit card.  (thank you tax refund.)  it was scary putting that much money on a credit card, but it is all done.  and i am certain i will feel better in a few days.  

my next goal is to find all contact information and cancel every card i have open.  how exciting.  i may keep one open, the problem being it is easy to pull out a card when an 'emergency' happens.  

i am also putting money in my savings account.  there is not much but every little bit helps.  i will keep growing it as best i can.  

now my biggest debts are student loans.  those are scary to me also, but i can begin paying on them just as i have any other debt - the thing is the interest is lower than my credit cards ;).  

o and i am taking a vacation in a week.  i am so excited about it.  i have paid vacation that must be taken or i will lose it, so you better believe i am taking it.  looking forward to getting into my car and driving, just driving.  i actually have the money for a nice vacation that i do not have to remove from savings or borrow from any bill paying - see getting that credit card paid is already paying off :).

not certain where i am going yet.  looks like i will take part of the vacation and go to dallas and then come back and head to kc.  it will be nice to have 8 full days away from the office - yay.  (actually it is not completely approved yet but being worked on, hope i get the answer soon because i am leaving in a week...)

i have some serious writing to get done before i head out too.  it will be coming down to two classes ending and both have a final paper to be done.  one class has 8-10 pages the other 4-6 pages.  i have got some intense researching to do :).  yay.

i am a little numb today.  too many late nights/not being able to sleep well when i am sleeping.  sure hope i can catch up in the next day or so. 

the end.

Just A Little Complaining - Enjoy

i am in a writing class that is making writing seem like such a task.  i really hate that because i have loved writing for quite a while.  there are so many tasks to perform and on subjects that i really do not enjoy.  plus there is a specific style of writing that makes writing a drudge.  

before this class i have gotten raves on my writing and ability to write in the apa language style.  now, maybe i am being lazy, but i feel i am getting hit with all kinds of ridiculousness.  probably not the reality but i am really hating this class, just in case i did not say it already.  

maybe it is because all the writing is technical.  maybe it is because i am not getting praise on my work, i feel more that i am getting picked on.  honestly i am pretty resistant to the entire course.  i have been doubling and taking courses straight for the past three months.  i am ready for a break and can hardly wait for us to get to spring break.

as for that spring break i am getting out of tulsa.  yay!!  so looking forward to getting in my car and driving, i love driving.  not sure exactly what i'm going to do yet.  charity and i talked about taking a weekend and going to see her grandpa in kc, or there is going to see scot and his family.  i am taking off 8 days of work plus two weekends woo hoo!!!

well that is it for me.  i have to go and do a summary of a business article and then produce a reference page for my business research paper.  maybe i will do some of my paper for my on ground class too :P so much to do.  

later

Middle Acceptance of Reality

sometimes i am surprised to have hope when things seem so bleak.  ok so i am surprised every time i notice hope when things seem bleak... this is no exception.

somehow, even when i feel i am going to cause some major damage, You have provided what i needed to hear.  

i want to be very cautious here, i need You to help me communicate clearly in love and truth.  the message may not even be heard so part of me wants to say 'oh well throw it to the wind' and just do my best to shrug it off.  i know i don't have the capacity to do that however.  it will be through Your grace and mercy that i do not mourn for weeks or even months.  i so desire relationships to work right, i hate that this one is not.

i need You to provide each step.  the time to speak, the words to say, the ground to receive; each detail done by You.  i am so afraid.  the rejection coming my way is going to sting, more likely cause a gaping wound.  the words that may come my way, or worse the lack of words but the action, may strike deep.  

i guess i need to know this is the correct move.  there is wisdom in counsel.  the guys i have spoken to say there is no way i should continue forward, i have had enough proof that i am not important.  the gals i have spoken to say that i have already given to the point of ignoring too many red flags.  

i keep pulling back to what love does, what You do.  i chose to love, and to dwell in truth.  i have said what is needed on my end.  i have asked for an end to empty promises and a difference in behavior that says i am not important for making sacrifices.  there is no change, and anger is directed at me when i say the continued actions hurt.  

i don't want to be hurt and devalued any more.  i don't think it is healthy to stay in this place.  and You do not ask me to do what is not healthy.  enabling unhealthy behavior and belief is not truth and You are truth.  

i hope to have to opportunity to tell him i believe he is a great man.  to tell him i don't believe he thinks he is, and that he is choosing to live from a place of failure, choosing to believe he is a failure - that is a lie!!  he is capable, he can do what ever he sets his mind to do.  i have watched him do it.  i have heard him relate stories of great accomplishment, like it was just something one does.  i do believe he is afraid of relationship.  (aren't we all??)  he says he has made great strides with me, i don't want to belittle any of that.  so how do i tell him i can't be in this unhealthy place, even if he is making great progress?!!!!  how do i tell him i love him, truly do and at the same time cannot be in a dating relationship any longer?? 

his actions say to me that this relationship is not important yet.  and i no longer believe i should be treated as a convince.  one friend mentioned i am an escape from where he finds himself now, and then if he comes here he will need a new escape - from me.  that would be devastating.  each person i have spoken to says to get out, i can't fix him or make anything better (i so do not want to 'fix' him.  what a horrible thing for me to find out i am doing... i hoped to be one person who did not demand he be what he is not. i have failed miserably at it, so it would seem.)

if he will let me be his friend...  i have found i am a good friend.  in that place i don't need anything to really change about the person.  i have found that i am better equipped to let someone find their steps, and love them where they are, and where they choose to go.  

God this is so complicated for me right now.  i ask only for Your help, i don't even know what else i need.  i just don't want to do anything to damaging and i already know he will be furious.  the last time i tried saying we needed to develop friendship he refused to speak to me for over a week.  i don't want to experience such behavior, and i believe i set a precedent by chasing him down with texts to prove i was serious about staying in contact.  if he wants to take what i am offering i will be grateful, if not then i truly hope he realizes what a crummy decision that was and is hit straight with the realization that he chose to loose a wonderful friend.  i say that from a purely selfish place cuz it will hurt like crazy to have him decide he doesn't want to interact anymore.  and may mean i was more invested than he could be.  anyway, we all have reasons for our choices, even if we choose to ignore them.

i feel so lonely right now, and achy.  please hold me close and sooth my mind and emotions.  i am not made to carry all this on my own and am glad You are here.  i am not really certain how to let go of my concern in this matter, so please help me there also.  thank You for being faithful this entire time.  i kept looking for him to fit me and make me know i was wanted.  the words fell short, and the actions never materialized.  You are still the only one to bring me to completion.  

Don't Really Have Words

Lord, You know the deepest pain.  O You feel my hurt

Where I don’t have the words to express, You are already there

You know my pain.  You know me.  You are already here

God I don’t have words to describe what I feel, just that it is deep and wide

I don’t understand how such pain can be

But I know You’re by my side

So hold me close, help me

This bitter thorn wounding me

I had such hope, now crushed

What can I do is there a choice

So afraid  The wrong move can ruin everything

What is best for me may not be best for all

I don’t know what to choose

O this bitter pain, pain filled life

And I don’t know if I want to be in Your arms

Crazy crazy crazy choice to make, but I think I want the arms of another lover 

(One who can only hurt me.)

Crazy crazy crazy choice to make, but I run from You to the arms of another lover

(One who chooses to hurt me.)

Crazy crazy crazy choice I make, why won’t I go into You?

Facing Giants

i feel chipper this morning.  i am thinking it is crazy that a four, maybe six, hour conversation with the one i love can bring me back into such a place of balance and peace.  i want relationships to be right and it tears me up when things feel out of place.

i hate when things feel out of order and miscommunicated, or not communicated at all.  when i was able to figure out what was bothering me and where it was coming from, being able to talk about it without anger, but showing the honest hurt, was refreshing, scary but refreshing. 

i am sincerely afraid of being rejected, being overly needy, wanting too much and then being disappointed, and pretty much driving someone crazy.  so when i notice something is wrong, whether in me or with the relationship, i get freaked out immediately and don't want to face it.  what if it is relationship breaking?!!  what if it can't change or be worked through?  what if i raise the issue and then there is nothing done, or no lasting change?  that would break my heart because what was important enough to bring up and possibly vital to the relationship, is being ignored or said it is not important.  and that feels like i am not important.

so anyway the talk went well, there are still fears about whether the change will last more than a day or two.  i give credit that this long distant relationship has done pretty well for 8 months of separation.  i am getting to the point where he better get up here, though there is grace for some of the issues we are currently facing.  i believe he thinks he is facing them alone.  hmm, how do i get in there and face this stuff with him?

i love him more than i knew i would be able to love again.  You have truly done a work in my heart and life.  i hoped to love, i hoped to have someone love me, but i did not know it could happen like this and so soon.  thank You.

i realize trust is a whole other issue.  i realize it was hard to trust before this last issue of feeling devalued.  i have struggled with this my entire life.  i need You to get into that area of my life and heal the places where i have had value taken or given it up.  i invite You, Jesus, to come into my heart, mind, soul, emotions, body, every area that feels a lack of value and importance.  restore me, this issue is larger than not getting attention from him, that is only a symptom.  the bigger issue is underneath and i need You to set me free and heal my life so i can continue moving forward.  i don't want to stagnate here. 

Hopes in This Relationship

i used to want to marry someone with the letter of the last name that would put me in the middle of the alphabet - not at the end, where 'taylor' had me, and not at the beginning - didn't really want to be first picked.  i look at that desire and wonder at the value system i held for one of the most important relationships i could choose.

now i have a few more preferences.  strange how marrying someone i had no real relationship with can change the perspective, BUT that last name letter put me in the middle of the alphabet....

now i would really like to have someone i can talk with.  with opinions of their own, and an appreciation for what i think also.  i would like to be able to have conversations about God and my relationship with Him, and who can share his relationship with God also.  i really like the idea of having common interests, things that help us be good friends.  strangely, as i get to know someone they become attractive to me.  i have not ever been interested in someone that i considered drop dead gorgeous but as i got to know them personally, i would become crazy attracted to them.  i want to know i am important and valued as who i am and not to be changed. someone with core values that are the same as mine and similar values helping us to mesh well.

value systems are so important.  one lives from the truth of what they value.  i valued pizza every weekend for months, my actions showed that i would eat healthy all week; meals every couple of hours full of protein and veggies, and then on the weekend it was pizza and the pool.  i exercised throughout the week and took care of myself but that pizza was important.  all that to say, when i look at my actions and behaviors i see what is important.  i now see that i don't really count my health as important because i am not working out regularly, eating the way i know, checking my blood sugars, and i am eating foods that have chemicals and sugars added. 

on the other side i am also seeing what kind of a person i want to be in a relationship. i want to value the other one and not take him for granted so often that it causes strain between the two of us.  i want to show honor and respect in my interaction with him, to share in his interests and learn from him what is important about the activities and interests he has.  i want to be encouraging and not speak hastily or in anger.  i want to be patient and not attempt to change him.  i want him to know he is accepted and loved by me, even in the midst of a battle of wills and preferences.  i want to always be beautiful to him.  i want to protect his heart and not cut him with my actions or words. 

all these hopes are lofty.  being human means failing miserably.  the hope rests in knowing that God is involved in the process and is able to help me with choices, and if i will turn to wisdom then i can have a worthwhile relationship and marriage.  bring on the hard work - right..

Working At A Relationship With Invisibility

relationships.  there is a ton of information out and around about how to have them, how to spice them up, what to do when they go bad, how to make them better....  don't know if any of them will really work in this scenario.

i was talking to scot tonight about how having a relationship with You, being an invisible God, was similar to having a long distance relationship with him.  well there was not much of a conversation, more of a light going on kinda thing.  i just don't have all the skills needed for a relationship with You, any better than having a relationship long distance.  it kinda is what it is...

how am i supposed to relate to You?

does one just talk at You? do i keep using my imagination to 'see' You?  when i am over involved in other activities and, more likely, keeping myself busy instead of taking time to spend with You, how can i connect?

is this where i should get quiet, calm down all the thoughts that try to pop in my head (which i think i probably really need You to help with because such random things hit me), and listen/wait?

i recall past experience where i knew i was safe in You.  nothing could budge me from the safety of Your arms.  all around me it seemed my world was falling apart.  did i get comfortable and make it difficult to hang with You?

i noticed last week having difficulty singing.  it is like the words do not match my actions and i don't like saying something i am not doing.  singing that i love You when i am not certain my actions show it feels like lying.  yet i know i love You - actually because You love me i know i can and do love You.  somehow that love is drawn out by You.  just as i choose to love scot, i see that when i choose to love You the feelings and actions follow.

i think i make this overly complicated.  if i would just let the simplicity of a child's actions toward one who cares for them work its way into my actions/belief system.

You care for me because You love me.  You will not stop caring for me or loving me.  maybe i should just choose to trust You are working out this relationship with You.  i don't think You are as complicated as i am trying to make You.

maybe You want to keep me in safety, maybe You really like holding me close and telling me how and why You love me.  maybe You like me being close to You and choosing to spend my time with You.

God the truth is i am uptight.  i don't want to work at this.  (why?? is it not rewarding enough to have my needs met and be cared for by one such as You???)  i am selfish and want things to go my way - always (truly life works so much better as i do it with You instead of trying on my own..)  i like to throw fits and pout.  pretty much i am human in the midst of redemption.  oh - and i don't like others to get in the way of what i am wanting when i am wanting it...  and i am certain there are many other faults to admit, but i am getting tired, and i may still take the initiative to answer the call You have been putting out to me for like at least the past week...  i am so stubborn!!!  what am i waiting for?!!!  get off the crazy train...

You answer my prayers in spite of what i act like.  i appreciate that You provide for me and are continually faithful.  i appreciate that You know what to say to me and how to bring me back into love with You.  You are incomparable to any other.  thank You for being who You are.

Dream Explained - Woo Hoo I'm Like Daniel

ok so it is now wednesday night, almost thursday morning.  and i am going to blog about a dream from sunday night... yes, i too question where the time has gone, and in actuality i have been wrestling with the meaning of this dream and think i have come to a reasonable conclusion.

so the dream - where i can now recall, because i have let so much time pass - starts with my ex-husband angrily pushing me around.  he is actually quite violent (which is not like him at all, he was very much in control any time he was angry..) toward me, so much so that i am quite frightened.  he is dragging me around by the arm, and then we are in a car.  somehow a lit cigarette is in his hand and he is attempting to burn me.  thank goodness it is a dream; even so i am a little baffled at not feeling any pain.  i struggle to get the cigarette out of his hand and push it through the cracked window.  the next scene is the inside of a home, a kitchen kinda reminiscent of where i grew up, only not as nice and a slightly different layout.  there are three or four people pressed against a counter and he is threatening them to not do anything while he "takes care of me", i know i am in trouble and feel a little panicked.  i also realize these are family members, not immediate, but family none-the-less.  i am standing by a door leading out through the garage, so i take the initiative to get out asap and drive off with someone in a car, maybe the one i arrived in, not certain at this point.  whoever the driver is i feel safe and rescued.  i look into a window in the house and see the man who was my ex-husband has actually turned into my ex-cousin-in-law.  strange, i know...

my interpretation: i have somehow, because i don't want to admit to widely opening a door and screaming out loud "come on in and jack up my life", allowed violent behaviors, attitudes, thoughts, whatever, to come into my life and drag me around.  though i am afraid of the consequences, i am not afraid enough to do anything yet.  being in a car with the driver trying to burn me, harm me, shows me that my actions/belief/behavior is getting more dangerous and out of control.  going into a home where my family is being threatened to do nothing, essentially being taken hostage and having to watch my behavior, etc.., destroy me, well hopefully you can see the parallel there.  the good news is i am able to slip out and get away with my rescuer.

my conclusion: Jesus, will i get out that door with you and let the behaviors, thoughts, attitudes, those things getting in my way of this relationship with You, keeping me from caring for myself, and causing destruction in my relationships with others, go?  or am i going to hold onto what is unhealthy?  no matter what i choose i will already have consequences for how far i have come already.  i find myself struggling to let You close, though You are the 'all' i need right now.  what am i going to choose?

am i going to let the fear of rejection from people keep me bound to becoming what i was not created for and pull me from the One who knows me inside and out?  do i really want that limitation on my life, again?  it was miserable the first time around.

Jesus.  You know i want what is good.  all this surface running around is not what takes care of me.  You take care of me.  shoot, You know what i need before i am even aware of the need.  this struggle is pretty much in vain for the simple fact that i would not have to struggle if i did not allow that stuff to cloud my vision and lead me away.

i think i will go back to the beginning and curl into Your arms.  it is always a good idea to go back into the place i first found love and acceptance.  there is nothing like having You all around me.  then i can get some clarity and see what to do next.

and about this situation.  help me walk in true love.  please, clearly define the lines to walk.  You gave, and give, me every opportunity to experience Your love.  i don't want to shortchange anyone, i know i am human and easily worn out, but You can still love through me, giving me the strength and ability to go beyond my understanding and expectations.  i need Your help, and first i need Your love to fill me so i have some to give out.  thank You for loving me, and loving through me.

Rejection Sucks

a few days ago i woke up from a dream that left me deeply despairing. i was doing everything possible to change into the type of person my ex-husband would want. problem: i had no idea what he wanted.

it seemed there were several dreams with this theme. consisting of trying to become something that would be accepted by him. i woke with a strong knowledge that i would never be able to be what he wanted, and i found myself in a place of sadness i don't have words for. the knowledge of knowing it was his issue that could not allow him to accept me stung deeply.

i remember him telling me the reason he wanted to marry me was because he was ready to get married. actually he was never interested in me as a partner/wife/friend/person, nothing, ever. i just did not catch on. i was thinking i would able to have a marriage without any sort of knowledge of one another. not a good reason to marry, let me give you a heads up.

so for the past several days i have been walking around with this horrible feeling of rejection. knowing, in my head, using logical thinking, that the problem was not that i was not good enough to be with, but that he didn't know how to be with anyone. it was not something bad ABOUT me, it was ABOUT him. but that doesn't make me feel better.

i have this strange thing about me that says i am ok enough to be with in a marriage, maybe not to be everyone's best friend, but that i should have been alright in a marriage.  i was willing to work on anything that needed worked on. there is the part where he said it himself - he saw problems and just sat back to let the relationship fall apart, and that he was done, he was not going to try. can't argue with that...

i did my best to acknowledge and change behaviors and thought patterns to save that marriage. i can acknowledge my part of the breakdown, and admit where i was wrong.  i am not saying it was all on one or the other of us.

all that to get to this: why am i still struggling with feeling so rejected?!! it is driving me nuts. it is a vicious cycle. i thought i was over all this.

the marriage was over before it started nine years ago. i have been divorced from the man for a year and a half, december 2010.  we separated march  2008!!!!  how much time does it take to recover? i am getting angry that this is still happening to me.

will i ever get rid of this ghost?  this seems so ridiculous to me, and i am not wanting to face the feelings, even though i know that not dealing can slow, even stop, moving forward...ever. i just want it to be like the man never entered my life, and i never had the heart ache.

there are times i pull to an intersection and am hit with the knowledge of how close the home we had is to that location. places i feel like i am trespassing on his space. 

truth is i really want it to go away so i can continue on in a free and clear relationship with a great guy, who wants to take the time to find me and marry me, cuz he wants me, not just because he wants to get married. this baggage sucks.  i don't want to be carrying a lot of it around, it is heavy.

so here i am with a bunch of unanswered questions. (i know there will be people in my life that truly don't like me, the thought turns me cold to be honest, and even people i truly don't like, not certain i like that either... so i can deal with that as it comes)  what is it going to take to relinquish the feeling of rejection,(even if it stems back to my dad, i can't resolve it, he is dead) i will most likely not resolve this with my ex-husband.

so what can i do about getting rid of this?? i keep getting blindsided with stuff from that marriage, and honestly i don't like it. i kinda fear it will hang on to me, maybe forever.

i don't want that to shadow my relationship with this great guy, who says we will deal with it. (sometimes i think he is too good to be true actually, someone who will partner with me through the crap life throws. and is he real??) not that i want to test this, but: when is too much too much? when do you throw in the towel? is this guy serious about walking life together no matter what we have to face? i sure would hate to believe it and see it not happen. right now i see a lot of talk with little follow through, but the talk is good and matches up with what i am saying also. time will tell and i am not good at being patient :P

wherever You are in this, just hold me close - whenever i let You close enough to.

i realize i have been quite prickly and distracted. 

i have forced things in the past, and got a crappy results, with even crappier relationships. i would rather not press into anything that will bring such torment.

i know rejection is not from Your hands. is this the consequence of something?.. maybe not drawing close to You and finding in You what i am looking elsewhere for. 

i know i am hurting. i know Your love has changed my life. i know i am better because of You. when i move away from You all this crazy stuff happens, peace is lost, vision skewed, i just don't operate so well without You. 

i just don't feel like turning to You yet.

that is crazy. Jesus, i feel that telling You i am sorry is pointless because i am not certain i am ready for anything to change, who am i kidding, i can't change anything about myself apart from Your love making it possible. i guess i will get no action until i wrap up in You. show me again how to do this because i feel like i have lost my way and don't remember the key to getting back to You.

He Is Love, Plain And Simple

i often forget the magnificence of God. His ability to love, when i would choose to not. throughout all these seasons i find that the One who is stable, the One who never changes, Who is always constant, well, is Him.

God never changes in the way He deals with me. as i walk along questioning motivation, whether i can do relationship, and the value of me, He still professes deep, unflinching love. His arms are open wide, desiring whatever i will give Him. i am certain He hopes for my attention often.

such a strange conundrum for me to understand. God doesn't 'need' me, He wants me. i don't truly complete Him, but i do. He longs for my companionship, He longs for me to know Him, seek Him, and want Him more than anything life can offer. this is so strange to think upon. i can't figure it out.

so i won't, but i will ask that He show me whatever i can handle as i walk this path.

again, here i am in my "questioning cycle". i do this over and over. i question whether i am good enough, i run from His love and mercy, i question why i am running, i keep running, i feel bad about running but not bad enough to stop, and then somewhere, i get the point that it isn't about what i am doing, it is about Him. it isn't about me, but it is. He just wants me. and i don't think i have ever experienced just being wanted. He wants me just because He thinks i am amazing, and really i don't think i'm amazing but i want others to think i am amazing... so i am glad when i get to the point of believing He believes i am amazing and worthwhile, and beautiful, and amazing.

i will borrow a thought from don miller's book Searching for God Knows What, and the idea is that adam and eve experienced a relationship so open, so vulnerable, that they could be completely unashamed while standing naked in front of God. there was something about that relationship that allowed them to feel safest in their most vulnerable state. some how there was no judgement, no shame, no guilt, only pure trust, acceptance, love. i am brought to tears to think i could have a relationship with anyone even remotely like that.

i have one girlfriend who shows grace and mercy similar to that with me. she doesn't judge me when i put on a bathing suit ;). and for that i truly trust her and feel comfortable around her. i thank God for a gal like her.

so, here i am again, God. at the stage where i can rest, a little better, knowing that You are love. You want me and love having my attention. i don't have to do anything but notice You are there and accept the love You are offering. thank You for loving so well.

(on a little bit different thread, i have this resume and letter of... something with an "a", and last night there were some fantastically creative ways of wording i wanted to use. i ask that You bring back those beautiful themes and help me with these two assignments. i also thank You for the assistance You have gifted to me through others. thank You, Jesus.)

Fitting The Major With A Minor

here i am sitting at the table, watching my cereal get soggy, thinking how easy it is to keep ignoring what is truly needed. (just for reality sake, i know a process must take place, but i keep whining about the same thing; needing a personal relationship with Jesus and not filling my life with a bunch of things to take the place of said need.) i continue to go to things instead of the One. i'm starting to feel pathetic.

where does a relationship start? i guess with conversation. you ask the person how they are, what they are interested in, etc. then somehow a conversation is started and people find out if they have interests in common. i am thinking i can skip some of that because i know Jesus and i have things in common, we have already established that in our relationship. maybe i need to go back there though, revisit what was working.

i complain about wanting a deep connection. my thoughts tell me that desire is an obvious part that He wants with me too. maybe i am not wanting to go deep with Him. (i find that usually the issue lays with me and not Him...)

if you know the definition of insanity, it is plain that i am insane. the idea that i will get this deep cavern, desiring connection and depth in relationship, filled by minor things, is ridiculous - insanity actually. so hopefully i will get off this bandwagon of crazy and get into His arms to have a nice conversation. maybe, i just want to sit in His arms, and that is a great place to start too.

I Realized I Am A Cheater

a few days ago i was talking to my girlfriend about my relationship with scot. i was saying how we have gotten more physical than either of us wanted to (amazing what a kiss can turn into and how chemicals in the brain can get you all worked up...) and now we were having to back track to keep each other safe. i was telling her how i had gotten hit with the realization that i was cheating on Jesus, in using scot to feel good physically.

this whole thought process started the week i spent with scot and his family over christmas. i was in the back seat listening to scot and his dad talk while we were driving to the place regina, his mom, did manufacturing work. scot and i had just spent time getting to involved the previous evening. in the back seat of the car i could feel myself sitting in Jesus' lap (i know but go with me on this one, cuz it was fantastically real...), and He was telling me how he loved me. i was feeling guilty and not really liking that He was being so loving to me - the harlot. He said 'do you know that I am truly jealous over you? I do not want to share you with anyone right now, not the way you are desiring to interact with scot. I want what is best for you and scot, for your present as well as your future and to do that you must do this relationship with him right. when it is time I will gladly give you to him, until then there is a best and better way to proceed for the wholeness of your relationship.'

honestly there was no bashing me in this conversation. He was all love for me. i knew that where scot and i were treading was dangerous, just felt so nice to be held and loved, you know, in that physical way. yet the consequences could be loss of trust, slowing down the natural development in our relationship, and who wants to be a slave to chemical hormones running amuck in the brain - i am more of an adult than that!!!

so fast forward to two nights ago, chatting with my girlfriend. i blurted out that anything i did with scot that led me away from God's provision was like cheating. being unfaithful. not only what i do with another person, but any way i try to fill the void, the place in me that God knows how to fill, that right there, that action, is unfaithfulness. i am a cheater. and i am not okay with that revelation. i want to stay away from that characteristic. i truly want the behavior exposed as early as possible so i can take steps away from being unfaithful. Jesus is always faithful to me, always loving and never selfish when it comes to me. i want to emulate that character, even though it costs me. (and i really don't like paying the fee either)

last night i was talking to scot about what causes a spouse to cheat. he brought it to the simple statement of not getting a need met by the other person. i want to go even more simplistic - cheating comes from trying to fill any need or desire through using what is not meant for that need and desire.

truth be told, whenever the need or desire is filled by what is meant for that need and desire, there is balance in other areas. so to put this in something visual, because i feel what i just typed is a bit confusing.... if i am lonely, feeling desperate for connection and i go to the fridge looking for something to numb or help me fill that need (even though i am not hungry and most-likely do not even consider that the need is for companionship and the ability to be in my vulnerable state of loneliness...), all i have done by consuming all the calories is consume a bunch of calories which will make me feel horrible later, and stuffed the pain for a few minutes. the loneliness doesn't go away or get taken care of. HOWEVER, if i go to Jesus and tell Him how lonely i am feeling, how i am angry there is no one to have wrap their arms around me and help the pain go away, if i tell Him that i wish He would hurry up and provide the season for companionship, and basically allow myself to expose all the thoughts and hurts i am feeling and believing in my soul, He then has the opportunity, again, here i have to allow Him to care for me (i can deny Him this if i do not trust that He is for my good, or any other myriad reasons...) and He will fill my soul with the beautiful words i so need to know. He will comfort me and bring joy, peace, life, and love, all i need at that very moment, into my being. then when i go to the fridge, i can say no to the food and only eat when i have a need for the food. see He can take care of the issue, so when i actually need what i was going to turn to for comfort the food is used for the purpose intended - to nourish and fill the hunger need.

Jesus, i do appreciate that You are showing me what is going on in my soul. i realize i whine about my current condition an awful lot, and i know i do not trust You fully so i ask You to help me trust You. You have proven over and over that You turn all crappy things around and bring beauty to me and my life. thank You for being who You are, simply the BEST. i fall short of all i hope to be. but somehow You see me as wonderful and worth any effort. i am numbed at the knowledge that i am unfaithful, though You have allowed me to see this behavior again and again. help me in this area to not be unfaithful. help me to honor You . Jesus, i realize i am human and fallible, i will not be perfect in this life, but i sure don't want to behave as i do. help me, i am lost without You. thank You, You grant grace for each day and make mercy full for me. You truly love me, help me to love You.

Morning After

alright so i was going to take time and spend it working on this relationship with Jesus last night. as you can probably tell from the previous sentence, it didn't happen.

i read a little more of 'searching for God knows what' by donald miller, and then checked email, shopped on ebay, checked my online class... i had started copying 'the chronicles of riddick' onto my external hard drive and soon found myself surfing and eventually i ended up watching 'dark fury'. crazy. i still am not certain why i decide to check out.

lets explore that a bit shall we? this relationship takes time. i suppose developing it costs me what i am not willing to spend. shoot, to find the answer on this one i may have to ask You.

this is crazy!!! i remember running to You. i found comfort. Love was available in plenty. why am i doing this?

k let me come at this from a different angle. maybe i am just being selfish. maybe i am being a child acting out because i don't have a man here to hold me - and just for the record there is no way a human can fill this place i know that - but i feel like a jealous (cuz of the situation with gf stuck here with son) brat. there is no way i can get taken care of the way You care for me. NO WAY!!!

i admit i am so jealous. c/k are snuggling all over the place and spending time together. i desperately want time with scot like that. (BECCA THIS GOES SO MUCH DEEPER) this relationship with You is what i am created for. i was made with this in mind: i am going to need You, desperately. this human condition to be loved and wanted, was not meant to be completed by another human, ones life will be enhanced by love from others, however not filled. why try to put what will not heal into a wound?

why am i avoiding You? this perception of what i need, the knowledge that You are willing and able to care for my need.

God, i am lonely. there is this longing in my heart for companionship. and something more than that but i don't know what words to use for a description. all the other avenues i have tried leave me numb for only a little while, and then comes a ferocious hunger. i've tried entertainment, food, staying up, going to bed early, music, exercise, reading, homework, ignoring assignments. i've asked scot to fill the need, i've ignored those around me due to my sour mood. none of it is working and i find myself more miserable with each day. hoping for the next text or phone call that does not even begin to touch this deep need. the blatant truth is - i need You, only You. at this very moment my body, soul, heart, mind, they all call out for One, and that is You. so, now that i am sitting here admitting that fact, i am not certain where to go. how to get where i need to get so i am with You. do i just sit back and relax, should i grab a pen and paper, what must i do now? cuz i need to be in Your arms. i want to be snuggled close to You and hear the beat of Your heart. i desire the sweet words You speak that flow so deep. the sweetness of Your love, Jesus i truly want You to take Your place in my life. the faithfulness You show me and devotion rend me speechless. i want this relationship with You to grow and develop, to become. as seasons ebb and flow may my heart seek Yours, may i find that You are still the foundation of my life and motivation. sweet Jesus, so many rabbit trails to wander. i don't want to get lost in this life, loosing sight of You. help me. help me in this place, the place i find myself running from You instead of into Your arms. this is the danger - demanding You fill my dreams the way i want them filled with who i want them filled. You are not a slave master demanding or not giving good to me. You fill my life with goodness, and what blesses me. i am fighting the limits i feel time has placed upon me. i know You are moving into place a beautiful scenario that i could not dream up, plan for, or prep into. somewhere here i must trust that You are aware of the time limit on my life and are not frightened by it. somehow it will all get moved into place. so help me return to the place of peace and rest against Your chest in calm. there is nothing more i can do in my strength and this wrestling around is only wearing me out. Your peaceful space is so nice and warm. maybe i will stay there for a bit. :)

Wow Has Time Flown By

o so it has been a year since posting to this blog. i'm not certain where to start as i am not certain, either, where i left off.

Hmmm after checking the last post, it seems this blog is full of a lot of pain - but isn't that just life? there are moments of wonder, joy of moments taking place, never hoped for. and times of heartbreaking loneliness and pain.

heck of an intro for this 'catch-up with becca'...

i am about 1/2 way through pursuit of a bs in psychology. my mission: to work with trafficked individuals. my hope: to have a home where they can live in safety and discover the identity of self, stolen from them. all i have planned right now is to finish up this course of study and believe He will drop in my heart what master's degree to begin, or place to work/volunteer for some real life experience. or... there may even be other options, just not certain at this point. reminder to self - each time all has been readily available when needed, even a bit before needed. (thank You for keeping me in peace :)!!)

personally, i ran into an old... umm classmate from my hometown on facebook - so 'ran into' may not be the proper descriptive phrase, but there it is, it is late, and i don't want to press the 'backspace' button to get it cleared up. he and i started talking (yes this was the original point of the paragraph....) in june of 2010. seeing how my last post was in feb 2010 i am a little amazed at how quickly this great guy was brought into the picture. i was seriously believing that God wanted me just for Himself and the heck with all my dreams of family, marriage, etc. though i knew He would work things out beautifully in each area i dreamed about, i just thought there would be no man involved, maybe many friends helping me help kids... or something that could be more confusing if i attempt to explain at this time of the morning.

SOOO, scot and i have been talking about our future, values (that was hard to pin down cuz those aren't things one walks around thinking about everyday, took me forever to see what i truly value cuz i had to go looking at my actions... and then revamp cuz some of my actions scared me as they were linked to stinky values... and ummm here i am..), what we think of God, and many other conversations yet to be had but that have been introduced into the mix by some pretty goofy and intense discussions. i like scot :)!! apparently he likes me too. we are contemplating what life would be like as companions. there is some work to be done, and more getting to know one another, however i am encouraged by the methodology and interaction. heck i have no idea how to have a relationship so this is all pretty scary; it is good to have someone in the thick with me. o and we have discussed family genealogy to some extent to be certain we are not secretly long lost cousins...

i have moved in with a girlfriend and am renting a room from her. i like having a place with other people around. i desire interaction and need rough edges knocked off from living by myself for so long. it is strange to share food and supplies, along with the dividing up of space - or rather sharing since there are three of us living in a house with a dog, a cat, and a guinea pig (yes, gilbert lives..).

i don't know why, but suddenly i miss my dad. strange to find myself thinking about him right now. he has been gone for a little over 4 years. i have found myself grieving odd things and at odd times over the past three weeks. mostly i think i miss relationships that could have been.

i have been reading this delightful book by donald miller called searching for God knows what. the theme i keep being pulled to is that God is relational. there is no room for formulas and step by step actions to get anywhere. nothing more i can do but get to know Him and share Him with others. i was admitting yesterday that i am horrible in relationships. i talk a lot and forget to listen, and when i am listening i find too often that i jump in with my own thing - you know 'personal experience to help me, or them, know i am empathic'... i find selfishness all over my actions, motivation that is about me and what i think is best for me. this is hard; specially when i can't see the person that is on the other side.... (hmmm like having this long distance relationship with scot - i don't get to see his facial reactions and sometimes have to ask a lot of questions to know what is going on). and i have so many questions that i seem to undermine setting aside time to interact with Him, choosing instead to chase some thing, numbing out the need and desire to focus on this relationship.

boy life is up and down. i remember being in His peace and love. it was as if i was marvelous, perfectly crafted and all the scary would somehow be okay. i did not get beat to far down on what i was able or unable to do because i knew He was in it all with me. that was a safe place. that is the place i want to find myself in again. i also remember there was a lot of pain. i had to face what scared me and allow reality to set in. boy that sucked. i wanted to run from all that was going on, anything to stop the pain and wounding for a little while. and there was not always relief going to Him, at least not immediately. there was excruciating confessions of loneliness, confusion, self-loathing, rejection, questions whether i could be loved or wanted - ever. and when all that was poured out somehow calm came. this peace was able to get into me. and when i got to a place where i was not so scared, His love was able to wrap me up.

yep i want that again. so i'm gonna get done here and see about curling up in some peace.

night.