Jumping To October 2020 Life

I'm in the last week of October now. Somewhere I may attempt a catch up for the past 8 years 1 month lapse of time. But that is much heavier than what I want to share today...

Which is sharing the delicious veggie soup I created. 

Includes celery, onion, beets, papaya, and crushed papaya seeds, with a touch of garlic, salt, and water. It was super delicious. I tossed in a touch of my husband's red salsa for some spice - totally didn't need it though. 

Purchased some tortillas this morning. There is a motorcycle delivery service most mornings. Certainly is nice because i rarely am excited about making my own. 

They are wrapped in tissue paper and conveyed in a large igloo container. I pay 16 pesos for 1 kilo of steaming tortillas. Yay.

After lunch I was wanting something a bit sweet and remembered Honorio stored a chocolate bar crafted by one of the ladies in the village. It is made with sugar and has oil, though I don't  know if it is added or naturally part of the chocolate. I put the bar in with some water to cook on our camp stove. Once heated I added in a bit of coffee and some of my cafe lala.

Poured into my favorite cup.

Kind of your glucerna coffee drink... kinda.

I added a bit of that into my drink as well. Now I'm totally coffee crafting. 

This afternoon we plan to attend Honorio's grandma's birthday party. Or is it his grandpa?? I can't remember. He was out last night for 4.5 hours carving up meat for the cooking today. Wonder how they will spice it. I'll fill up here because I won't want the meat. 

Fancied up for the party.

Ok. That is about it for today. I'm back to watching the special features for the hobbit movies. 

Wow Change

omygoodness, so much has changed since the last entry.  just a brief catch u up - there is no scot and me, i am no longer in tulsa, umm nothing is the same and truly it is magnificent.  i am so glad to be where i am now.

i am working in a job, that truly i did not realize could be so perfectly matched to who i am as a person.  go figure that one out.

i am in a fantastic relationship with Jesus.  who knew that was possible?  there are ups and downs - mostly cuz i am selfish and like to throw tantrums hoping to get my way only to come to the only conclusion - He knows what i need and is lavishing it on me. 

i am with mom and my bro which is a wonderful place to be.  i have the opportunity to be with family again, supported, supporting them also, in life's journey.  i am beyond amazed right now.

just though i'd catch u up ;) 

when we grumble grace sprouts wings and flies away.

Continual Grace

i have decided the house-sitting job is not for me.  the heat we are going to experience this summer and the knowledge that i will not be able to water often enough to keep all the plants alive greatly influenced me, and then there was the texting from the homeowner asking if i was competent...  with work, school, relationship, etc... i have plenty to keep myself busy at this time and the packing each week to live in a place that is not my space was really getting to me :(  .  

this next week i will be in arizona - the plan is to help mom move my brother's things from one room to another, but i think she has a lot of it done so i don't know if i am going to help or what exactly.  it will be a good trip and i am looking forward to it - even bought some new clothes for the journey ;)

i am a little daunted from the last few conversations i have had with her about scot and my relationship.  i find myself thoroughly confused after speaking to her - and i think it is mostly because i am trying to 'defend' a man that needs no defending.  he is who he is and that is pretty darn amazing.  i keep reminding myself that i am the one he needs to impress and if he doesn't do that then he is not right for me.  when i pray about it i am at peace and desire him here more and more.  sure i still have questions, but the fact of matter is that i won't have a lot of them answered until he is here.  one of the gals at work reminded me to not try to put things together for an end goal.  keep doing what i am doing and know the end goal will be met.  that whole 'peace be still' thing i guess.

scot says he is packing up and coming home permanently to tulsa over labor day weekend.  that is exciting and scary all at the same time.  he will really be here, part of me will believe when i see it.  i understand the ache and hurt that we have experienced throughout the separation causes both of us to want to be in the same space.  there have been so many set backs for him.  i wonder how he will get on his feet and how much 'encouraging' (slash) supporting i am going to have to do.  i don't know what it is exactly he will need to do versus what i will offer to help with that i possibly should not.  i am not certain he will have all the money he needs for food, location, gas, etc to get himself started here and that concerns me.  i have a lot of things to discuss with him so he has a heads up of the cost to live here.  

Father, i cannot recall experiencing this type of connection before.  i have someone that i can discuss 'scary' issues with, well that i am learning to feel comfortable in talking over scary stuff.  he doesn't reject my opinions, in fact i find him seeing my vantage point and agreeing.  he is good with me and we enjoy one each other's company.  i am often surprised that we are so similar in our thoughts and belief of what is important.  sure there are differences however - well You know him and You know me.  i want to remain in Your peace even though i am scared to talk to You about the things mom keeps bringing up.  i know You have told me to not worry about scot's relationship with You that it is between the two of You and You are guiding it.  You have told me to enjoy this journey with scot - and when i worry and get all caught up in whether he is a good enough leader i then freak out so that is not what i need to focus on.  there is nothing to compare him too.  he is unique and majestically hand crafted by You, flaws and all.  there is still a lifetime of growing and learning for him (and me).  i will focus on being patient and not pushing for my time table - which i realize i have already made You completely aware of.  should things not go according to my plan, You will have something better.

thank You for Your continual humor and grace in my life. 

Lots of Almosts

i almost have a full week of house sitting under my belt now.  it has been fun and uneventful.  a little awkward - because there is a gal still living there that is being kicked out and thought she was still taking care of the dogs and the plants and then there i was... yes that was awkward, but all is fine, i think.

tomorrow is my roommates bday and i am excited to be hosting a party for her.  it may just be three of us but it is still exciting.  we are staying at a nice hotel and celebrating over appetizers and some fun girl time.  i have been looking forward to it for quite a while now.  (so has she :) yay!!)

well it is almost time for me to head out so i will keep this short, and it is only a catch up with what is going on so not much to say.  oh i retract that - i always have a lot to say but nothing that has to get said right now.

on that note - laters.

my great vacation trek is coming up.  i am getting to use the last of my 2010 vacation before the 30th or lose it.  i had to go through a few hoops but i have a confirmation on the dates now :) woo hoo.  i will have the following off: friday 10, tuesday 14, friday 17th, monday 20th, tuesday 21st (conference so not a vacation...), thursday 23rd, friday 24th, thursday 30th, and then july 1st - 5th.  i am so looking forward to it all.

tomorrow i have a dr appointment at 9.15, but can go home and sleep if i want to.  i am just wiped out right now.  can't believe how tired i feel all the time.  i am going to blame the next 10 years on the anesthesia they used during my surgery ;).  (wonder if i can truly get away with that...)

scot is getting over the sinus infection he had after returning home.  i can barely believe he has been gone only around 2 weeks.  feels like it has been forever.  we are both hoping for a surgery with little down time, but i am sketchy on believing it will be a quick recovery.  

i have the opportunity to house sit all summer, possibly november.  this was a pretty exciting turn of events.  i will get to care for 3 dogs, even one will crash in the bed with me - that is cool i sure miss snuggling with kacy at times.  

i have a message scot sent me posted at my desk.  i just read the line 'i love you and always will till life does not exist on the lil planet we live on' and though i do not immediately question how it is possible to love someone that much, the question is still here.  how can someone love me that long?  it is not just a question about whether i will be unlovable, but also a question of whether they are capable.  how can two people love for so long?  i realize there will be times when things are tough and irritating.  there might even be strong feelings of hatred :( but can love last?  

God, Your love lasts.  You are able to love through Your creation, through me, and through others.  guess i should just hope and trust You will be in my relationships.  i just want to admit that i am still scared and gun-shy about it.  the way You are working through scot to show me love, consideration, importance, value - well i am honored.  thank You.

i have just decided i don't like stress.  even more, i dislike being tired.  it was a late night and there is more going on than i had wanted, though i am certain it will help me keep awake while sitting here at work doing much of nothing. 

yesterday hit hard.  i spoke to scot about what all had been said yesterday.  then waited.  texted throughout the day. and waited.  kept reminding myself that he was probably tired and grabbing a nap, and i kept waiting.  finally called around 7 and his voice warmed my heart and immediately i knew he was taking everything in stride, not taken back by any of the events.  it was a short conversation, but nothing really needed to be said.  the simple 'can i call you back in a few, sweetpea?.... i love you.' let me know it was all good.  we were good.  no matter what scary stuff i had said to him.

part of me is so afraid to get into the nitty-gritty spiritual things i believe.  i don't want to keep my beliefs from him, that is not fair.  i also don't want to appear to be a super spiritual person that can't connect with anyone outside church.  i was raised in my belief system and i don't know how foreign it all is to him.  i do know he loves me greatly and is open to whatever i have talked to him about, so why do i think he would respond differently to this?  and all the other conversations were scary before also.  

timing is everything.  God, You speak to him first and let me know what is ok and when.

ok i was not ashamed or feeling guilt until today.  now i am experiencing fear and overshadowing.  i have asked You to forgive my actions and plead the blood, asking You to restore me and keep us protected.  until this afternoon i did not feel affected.  i do not understand what is going on and i am scared.  is this fear and awe of a Holy God? or fear from an enemy that wants me to run away?  i don't want to feel that sin, which You forgive and restore me from, will cause me to be consumed by You in fire.  

God, You are Holy.  Your way is Holy.  i want to do what is right and remove myself from what destroys.  i want to run from the actions that took me out of Your safe keeping.  i want to be healed and have my relationship restored. 

be clear with me on this.  i don't want to be flailing in the dark and i certainly don't want to be without You in this.  i want You by my side in this journey and on this mission, the outcome without You is too horrible to think about.  i am almost to fearful to ask for grace and mercy to walk through the next steps and that can't be You.  You are Redeemer, Restorer, Lover of my soul, You are Judge and Justice, Mercy and Grace is given when asked for.  i am asking You for Your Mercy and Grace.  open Your arms to me and welcome me home, where i belong.  You do not punish when i come to You, You do not reject me for the sin, You wash me in Your Blood and set my feet straight.  thank You for reminding me You are for me and not against me.

Just The Past Few Days And Today

today is a beautiful sunny day.  i am feeling great, and i am feeling stressed to the max about a paper i  have only just begun to do research on - which is due tomorrow, and should be 8-12 pages analyzing my current place of employment.  actually it will not be that difficult, i just need to get the words on paper. 

i miss scot terribly.  he texted yesterday stating he has a sinus infection that turned into a horrible migraine and then moved into his teeth.  when he called he was unable to talk because he was in so much pain.  i feel horrible about him and wish there was something i could do.  he said he is glad i am not there to see him this way, though i will be exposed to it at some point in time...

i know the next few months will pass quickly and i am glad.  i so want to have him close, able to hang out with him, do my homework with him around, just be together.  i am looking forward to it all, kind of  looking forward to the irritating parts too just because it is part of life together.  we seem to do so well with one another and i want to continue cultivating what we are.  i love him so dearly, amazing how taking things slowly can allow the love to grow.  he truly is my friend and i can see how he will quickly become the best male friend i could have.  that is satisflying to me.

i am doing well after my surgery, continuing to heal up.  there is a 1/4 inch hole at the top of my incision and i believe it is there to assist with drainage...?  the site is no longer quite so scary.  i am experiencing a bit of pain now, more than i had though would be there.  

on another note had an interesting conversation with my boss about taking the remainder of my vacation days.  i have approximately 54 hours, or 6 days, of vacation.  she is saying something to the tune that i have too much time.  here is the conversation:

1:36 PM a: What new sheet?

 me: the sheet hr just sent me with the correction on the 64 hours

 a: WOW.... I can't even believe that.

 me: i know!!

 a: Maybe it's the combo of sick and vacation time that has me baffled.

1:37 PM me: possibly there was a lot of sick time

 a: True dat

1:41 PM me: r u still locked in the basement....?

 a: No! Does it say that?

 me: yes lol

45 minutes

2:27 PM me: would it be possible to take the next three friday's off? that would eliminate several of those hours...

  just throwing out ideas here..;)if it helps i can give them to m... lol

 a: Understand. I need to stew on this if you don't mind...

2:28 PM me: totally no problem

 a: I know they're your hours, but it's got to make sense for everyone, you know/

  ?

 me: i understand, just don't want to let an entire week go

2:29 PM a: Yeah. I like how you're thinking, it just seems absurd to me that we're looking for ways to get your hours used...

  That means there's too many!!!!!

2:30 PM I don't disagree with your idea of the Fridays though...

  Will you check in with me on it Monday?

2:31 PM me: yep will do so. and i am seriously trying to get it down so that i don't have hours to "have to get rid of" lol

 a: Sure

so i am a little irritated at the idea that i am being punished for having so much time.  this university gives kicking packages, totally helps make the job easier to deal with.  i am not to blame for having so many hours, i would have taken more vacation if not given a hard time when trying to get permission.  as you can see from the conversation my boss thinks i have been given more than i should have.  over the past year she has questioned how much i have been given and if i am certain i have the correct allotment.  gets rather irritating.  i am thinking i may need to just ask for 2 consecutive 1/2 weeks off so i can spend the 54 hours, cuz i am not giving them up and will gladly bring it up with hr...  thanks.

                                           

This Is What I Get

so all the craziness has gotten over - well except for the rather large hole developing at the top of my incision site.  i am going to the dr tomorrow about that actually, hoping to get a beautiful butterfly for that.  i keep being told it is normal, only the part i don't believe is normal is the continued enlargement of the hole...

so scot got me this beautiful "guarantee" ring.  he stated that it was a guarantee for the following reason (please see reason in below paragraph...):

"My life has been crazy for a long time without you Rebecca. For the first time I feel I know where I am going and feel complete. A promise ring means nothing to me due to the fact promises can be broken. As sad as that is in life it is true. That's why this ring is not a promise of my love but a guarantee! But to add to this statement is something else I have learned since you have came into my live,..... 'When we seek for connection, we restore the world to wholeness. Our seemingly separate lives become meaningful as we discover how truly necessary we are to each other'. I hope this makes up for not being able to be the man u have always needed, but to show you I can learn to be the best man I can next to you! I love you and always will till life does not exist on the lil planet we live on."

yeah.  he wrote that for me... amazing huh?  i actually did not know he could express himself so wonderfully.  i was quite overwhelmed after reading it.  im still not certain my feeble "thank you, scot" could ever come close to the wonder and love i felt coming from myself and the love i knew was coming from him in his declaration.  i am so blessed.

i asked charity to be my maid of honor tonight.  

no we are not officially engaged yet.  and i may be jumping the gun on getting details in place, but there is only a year for planning and so much that needs to happen in that tine also.  so never hurts getting some details down.  hopefully having details taken care of early will allow us a normal life not consumed with wedding details.  and yes, he will ask - still doesn't mean i need to stop planning....

good night. :)

and God, thank You.  thank You for keeping me through this entire process.  the journey has been scary, and i have questioned each step.  You came through.  and You gave me a wonderful man.  help me cherish him as You do.  

Scariness I Had Not Predicted

so i finally went to the dr about the way my breast was looking.  turns out i had a major reaction to the adhesive spray used to close the incision and attach steri-strips.  i blistered up terribly and got a heck of an infection.  now i am needing to heal that all up along with everything else.  it has been more traumatic than i expected of course.

this scariness is surprising to me.  i thought it would be a pretty simple procedure with extra healing time because, well i always take more time to heal.  having something horrible looking and weeping so is gross to me and i am a little scared will leave a less than terrific looking scar.  the incision is gaping and had fluid weeping out.  i don't really want to detail it too much, so suffice it  said that the wounds are scaring me and causing me to second guess how i will look after all has healed.  the situation relies on my vanity, i realize, but i am realistic enough to know it effects how i see myself and therefor how i will carry myself.  i had just begun to feel like, at the size i currently am, i am still beautiful.  here again i must trust God to care for all these feelings.

scot tells me it does not affect the way he feels about me, and i know that is true.  it will just affect the way i feel beautiful to him and respond to his interest.  if i don't care for this it may become a 'reason' i feel he does not want to view my body once we are married, or keep me from wanting  him to see my body.  it is a future situation that causes worry now and therefore can be cared for now and healed before it is a true issue.

well that is it for scariness. 

Feeling Peace

i am sitting here, very late at night (possibly early morning even), watching pride and prejudice in the common room, listening to scot softly snoring in his room, and feeling quite content with the whole situation.  i find comfort in having him around and will miss him greatly when he must go home.  

i so enjoy his company and they way we interact, though we are still getting used to one another's behaviors.  how interesting it is to have an easy way about one another.  i find myself having to deal with little irritations and taking into account how life will be with one another.  this time has felt so very real, though i know it does not compare to how our marriage will be.  

he put in an application with a company this morning and feels very confident about the position available at the company.  i asked him his thoughts and dug a little deeper into what he believed God wanted for him.  scot said he has been talking to God about what actions need to be taken next, with job in mind, and that this company keeps popping up in tv advertisements, radio ads, and driving by one of the plants the other day made him want to jump out of the window to go check the place out.  i asked him if he believed God truly wants the best for him and for us.  scot agreed and i am confident God will provide exactly what is needed.  

i sat tonight and felt simply at peace.  this is good.  there will be other questions and concerns, i seem to always wonder about every detail but find that i am never left out in the cold, that the One who loves me greatest takes care of every need.  scot is a wonderful man.  he will be a fantastic father, already is.  i am truly blessed to know a man such as he.  i long for the marriage, knowing that each step from this moment on is needed and important, and that the time will fly once i look back from the marital side.  

part of me aches to be married.  to live the life i have desired and was denied in my first marriage.  the other part realizes that i must live in the here and now without rushing to another place.  it is vital to continue growing and developing who i am personally and other relationships.  there is truly much to be done in this time between now and marriage.  

the surgery went well.  i have not heard anything about what the lump was found to be, should be an interesting bit of information to find out.  the lower part of my breast is quite pink and i have found that something odd is creeping up the inside, toward the sternum.  tomorrow i will be calling the dr office to see about moving my post op appt up, hoping for tomorrow, to check on what is going on.  i plan on calling and explaining what is going on to see if i need to go in or if it is a normal swelling of tissue.  there is most likely nothing wrong, but i have no idea what is normal from abnormal.  i have chosen to not return to work as the medicine i am taking for pain renders me not as functional as needed to be in the office.  i am not certain whether i would be able to complete an entire day's work either, i may need to do a 1/2 day to see how it goes.  

i have class wednesday night yet have not started.  my sleeping is erratic and i find my good moments do not last long enough to start anything, not really.  i need to contact my new group partner to make certain i am on the same page as he and getting my part completed.  

well that is it for the now.

Tuesday

and a bright, cool, good-morning to all.  please pause with the words "bright" and "cool"...  

last night was an early night.  well i say early because i was in bed around 8pm, though i did not actually fall asleep till after 10.30.  just too tired to stay up i guess.  as i was falling asleep i had a phone call from my instructor about homework this wednesday.  and as i was settling in for the second time my room-mate's son came in with his girlfriend to pack up some groceries and more clothes in order to have real food to eat at her house.  i panicked and went downstairs to write scot's name on the food i purchased for him.  turns out i over-reacted as her son was grabbing all the snack food he had brought from his dad's house, o and half the gallon of milk...  don't get me wrong - i REALLY like my roomie's son, and i know i have food issues, but it drives me nuts to have him not living there only to come home and grab food or stay one night when he is fighting with his girlfriend.  it has nothing to do with me and i really need to ignore it.  so back to the original thought for this paragraph, i finally got to sleep around 10.30 or a little after.

and heck yeah!!, i am awake and refreshed.  i'm even eating fruit for breakfast - thank you mama for the fruit basket.  i hope this refreshed feeling will hang on, and i am contributing it to sleeping all day sunday.  it was so good to do that.  i suggest it to anyone that is desiring a fresh feeling, i mean of course awake feeling - a fresh feeling happens after one showers and is clean ;)

so tomorrow scot arrives.  i get off work around 1 and plan on heading straight to the airport to pick him up.  his flight arrives around 1.55.  i am so excited - may be part of why i did not sleep as early as i thought i would last night.  

as i mentioned earlier, i purchased food for scot to eat while here.  it was way too stressful, and i found myself irritated with him telling me to just buy whatever i thought he should eat.  that is dangerous cuz i would cut out mt. dew, ham, bacon, any processed food and drink - so he would hate what i purchase.  he kept saying this would make a good test for us.  i have enough testing with my school work, i don't want relationship tests...  (crap, conscience hits cuz i have been testing him this entire relationship.) i guess that is what ppl do to one another, they test...  dang we are so unfair to one another.  and this thinking will lead me to deeper thoughts, wonder if i want to go there...

sure why not.  

why do i need to test and is it okay?  i am going to say testing is needed but the motivation needs to be correct.  if i am testing to see if scot will fail me, that is a given.  people fail one another.  if i am testing to know if he is a good match that would be a good reason, it is better to know before committing in marriage.   there will be many areas needing clarification.

i laid in bed last night feeling annoyed with him.  i wonder if it is because of the food thing and that i am feeling stress at him being here and mom wanting to be here and feeling bad that it is working out this way and being tested about the food stuff and surgery and getting homework finished and all the things going on at work with my fellow workers having jobs threatened and Jesus, stop the madness. You are more than capable to take care of all these people and me too.  each situation can be wonderful if i will leave it in Your hands and just trust You.  i had a surprising awareness last night that i have not laid in Your arms in a long, very long time.  i don't even know if i made it there before i fell into sleep.  You are peace and strength, You provide what i need when i need it and right now, right here i want to thank You for caring.  

Birthday and Other Material

i am certain there is a lot to say in this post, but i can't remember most of it.  

this past friday was my birthday - and blogger was down so i was not able to "oooo" and "ahhhhh" about what i hoped to do (stupid blogger).  

 

i took off early for a dr appointment (yay, just the way to spend a birthday...) for surgery this thursday.  it was actually a good appointment, i enjoyed the intake nurses and people i interacted with.  the appointment lasted a good 2 hours, probably much shorter if i had not been talking and operating with an attitude of "having coffee with a friend".  she told me a few scary things about the surgery that i did not expect, so now i am a bit nervous.  what if i don't wake up?  what if i slip into a coma (ok that last thought is not really what i think)?  

friday i went to a sushi place with a girlfriend.  it was fantastic!  then we went and picked up another two gals and headed out to go dancing.  that was fun but i only lasted a couple of hours...  i was pretty tired.  hate the idea i don't want to go all night ;)

saturday i celebrated the entire day.  my girl friend and i went to have massages - hot stone massage actually, which was wonderful!!  i then went home and crashed for a bit, for quite a bit.  later we all got ready (well the other gal in the house... and one that joined later) and went for mexican food with a group.  had a wonderful time, got sang to, ate red velvet cake.  we were supposed to go dancing after that but i totally wussed out.  it was sad and i felt horrible for 'ruining' everyone's fun.  until the others said they were all contemplating leaving early as they were tired too.  so i did not feel too bad.  i went home and went to bed.

sunday i slept the entire day off and on.  mostly on.  i think i forced myself up around 4 so i could work on my homework that is due this wednesday.  i actually went to work so i could stay focused.  spend a couple hours there working on my paper and now i need to concentrate on getting it finished up.  

scot will be here wednesday afternoon.  i am so very excited to get him here.  i need to grab groceries and get a few more things at the house done - basically get gilbert's cage cleaned out.  i am glad he is coming.  this is a heck of an opportunity to see how we will handle, well whatever this is.  i am so ready for him to be here permanently. 

that is it for now.

i am counting the days apparently.  it would appear that time is going to move very slowly.  i am creeping to friday.  and i see that it may be forever till then.  all the same statement in different wording, so creative am i.  

 

tonight is class.  i am not really prepared but have no energy to honestly care.  i will feel fortunate to make it home, change, and back here until 10 pm...

 

that is it for now.

Still Nothing

i still have not been contacted by the surgery scheduling center.  i know it has only been two days but i want to get this on paper and know it is forthcoming - well what time frame it is forthcoming anyway.  i guess referrals have to happen and schedules checked but i would sure like to know what is going on with this.  i want to be in the know and able to plan way in advance.  

the past two mornings have been brutal.  i am quite tired today.  i went to bed after charity got home last night around 1 - well i went to be around 1 she was home around 11.45...  or earlier.  

i feel foggy and not quite together.  that is causing me to not really care.  not care if i look that great - hair combed etc... you know (maybe you know...), not care whether i am directly on time (well actually i care a great deal and feel a bit panicked over 2 min late even when my car clock is ahead of the work clock...) but can't seem to get here on time, and am a zombie when i do arrive - not the flesh eating kind but the dead at my desk kind...

i just want this to be done.  again i look forward to scot being here, and i want that time to last forever.  i just want the surgery part to get done and get beyond it. 

Quickie

so i am supposed to have surgery scheduled to remove this lump on the 19th but i have not heard anything from the schedulers.  i am a little nervous because i have purchased a ticket for scot to come take care of me during that time and asked for the days off from work.  the work time is easier to adjust than the plane ticket.  i am hoping that i won't miss getting a time slot for the surgery.  lets just get this done.

also the masked ball was a joke this sat.  i got all dressed up and ready to go only to sit at my friend's home for three hours waiting on her to finish her other friend's costume.  we finally were ready at 9 and headed out where we did not get to the fair until 9.30 and the ball ended at 10...  so $20 for 20 min - not a good deal.  i did not even get to dance.  also i knew to go by myself (though that actually would not have been fun at all nor would it have been safe i presume..).  so i am going to go by myself during the day to see the festivities.  

that is all i have for now.

i found out yesterday that the dr wants to remove the lump in my breast.  i felt total calm and peace when she mentioned it, i guess i kinda expected it and was surprised that we were just going to wait for it to shrink.  today i am a bit troubled by the information but mainly because any form of surgery is complicated by other illnesses.  seeing how i deal with diabetes and hypothyroid issues it should be a blast. 

i am guessing i will not have an issue getting the time off, my problem lays in the delayed reaction i have to anything 'traumatic' happening to my body...  when i got my wisdom teeth removed it took about a week to develop any issues and i got dry socket so it was a heck of a development, along with a lot of pain.  with my toe nail being removed it took a week before i experienced any pain.  the biopsy - pain and discomfort a week after the procedure and i am still bruised.  so even though i have taken off three days to 'recover' i may not need the time until the next week.  

scot will come and take care of the invalid.  it will be nice to have him around.  i really do miss him.  he will finally get to meet charity and we will be lazy bums at my place instead of his lol...

i honestly wondered when the result came back that the lump was benign, why we would not just remove the lump.  too hard, too irregular, not like any other lumps i could feel.  (yay for being lumpy...)  i feel good about getting it removed and only nervous if there are more of these lumps in my future will removal  change my body shape?  now that, the change of my shape and possible effect of losing enough tissue to feel that i am not the woman i have become familiar with - this is an honest struggle and no one can say it is not that has not gone through this process.  i know my body does not say who i am inside, but it sure does have a major impact...   i am scared of that part.  people notice the body first.  i see my body first thing in the morning and even time will not change the difference i see from this day forward.  thank You God for today's technology in finding these lumps and bumps with less invasive techniques to remove issues. 

i think i could actually go home and pass out for the next couple days.  that will be impossible however because 'sucker punch' has made it to the $1 movies along with 'i am four' and i want to see them both, at the same time... also i have a dance recital and masked ball to attend. 

Help

Aching loneliness
Longing desperation
A need to be filled

Splashing tears
Frozen skin
Sinking down

I have cried so many times
Sat alone numbing to the pain
Ran to another addiction

Can’t find rest
Broke down inside
Pouring out vulnerable

No more tears
All dried up
Emotion has left

I am done
At the end
Can’t find peace

Sleep
Sleep
Sleep

Find some restoration
I’m so incredibly tired
Lonely to the core

Traipsing into Emotion

wow today is hard.  i am pretty tired from class last nigh and then trying to get to sleep even though i did get to bed around 11pm.  i feel as though i should still be sleeping right now.  or that i could sleep for 100 years like sleeping beauty - wonder if i would keep my beauty... wonder if scot would wait for me or try to get to me... hmm maybe i AM still asleep with these thoughts running around in my head.

 

started a new class last night: organizational behavior.  i think i am going to enjoy it.  i like the instructor and know i will be challenged, hope i am ready to be challenged as i feel i have been able to slide by doing half-effort work.   

this weekend i am going to a dance recital my friend's daughter is performing in - she is four.  i am so excited and know i will be tearing up the entire time.  that whole i want a child thing is hitting me again, over and over and over.  

also hitting the masque ball at the renaissance fair.  i need to go find a mask however and don't know quite where to shop for one.  i very much like the dress i have chosen to wear.  my friend and her friend are going steam punk, though i don't know what that truly has to do with the renaissance...

 

and now i feel all emotional about the baby stuff.  and my cousin is having trouble recovering from her divorce. and i am tired (it all hits when i am tired...).  and i want scot's arms around me (which could not happen now anyway cuz i am at work and that would be awkward..).  Jesus, it all seem so tough right now.  help me!!