Three Names

this really, probably shouldn't be a big deal, cuz i know a lot of women have had this happen, but i am bothered by the idea of having three last names once i am married.  it makes me feel like i failed somehow.  thinking that people will look at my three names and see that i have been married twice.  i know and realize that people get married and it doesn't work,  i just feel stigmatized.  put into a category: i could not make it work.

and there, right there, is the issue.  my pride, ego, whatever.  thinking i could have done everything to make a relationship work well.  it takes two people, willing people, to have a relationship work.  i

so wish i had dated my ex-husband.  we probably would have broken up enough to realize that our relationship was simply not going to work.  but no, we decided not to do that - actually he more decided that it was marriage on the table and nothing else.  which leads me to another rabbit trail.

i remember him asking if i would want to just get a "paper" marriage.  this one was for a military person  to marry for more money but not a real marriage.  i was horrified at the idea.  (that was red flag material - i must have had rose colored glasses on...)  it meant i lived in tennessee and he lived in california, and wherever else they sent him, and i was trapped.  i would not be able to have a relationship with anyone, not even him.  if i did want to date or see another person i would be unfaithful, never mind whatever he was doing...  it meant no family, no children, no celebrations, nothing.  it was a quick suggestion that i should have put more weight behind, wow - naive.

i keep beating myself up about not checking into him and finding out if he could have a relationship with me, or anyone for that matter...  at some point i am going to have to move on from that or it will hang me up way too often.

i order transcripts where i work.  i see all these names for women and it bothers me.  it bothers me that there will be a paper trail documenting my failed marriage. 

and i know this is coming out of fear.  fear that another marriage will fail and then i will have three names and no husband or family of my own.  straight up fear that can only be calmed as scot and i build trust.  it is simply going to take time and patience.

after speaking with him last night we both connect on how much we want to be together.  it was a nice conversation.  

i long to see how he is with passion and drive, having him close enough to watch and interact while he is excited about things going on around him.  i have concerns that will only be worked out when we are face to face, and it is my desire to take care of those needs.  i realize, whenever we have a serious talk (well it is never fully serious, thank goodness i have learned to have a sense of humor...) that he also is looking forward to the time of getting to know one another face to face.  we both need it.  

so back to the three names thing.  it is a conversation that will probably come up a few times.  it is also a fear that will be worked out in time with trust.  

bring it.