been a few busy days, maybe weeks at this point.  can't remember the last entry i made.  possibly i put information about finding a lump in my breast and having to get test after test done to find out what it was.  maybe it was about getting ready for my trip to texas.  so forgive the repetition if there is any...

about three weeks ago i found a marble sized lump that, i thought, was getting smaller but uncertain and so i went to have it checked.  ok i remember that i have already typed about the tests and confirmation on having a lump, so i will skip ahead a bit.  an appointment was set up to see a breast surgeon on wednesday last week.  the ex-rays and ultrasound pictures did not make it to her office so she was not certain why i was there.  she, and two assistants, did an examination and ultrasound to find the lump.  i then was biopsied. 

the biopsy was actually not that bad.  i was numbed and then a needle was inserted - or maybe a slit was made with a scalpel, i remember seeing a scalpel... and i think there was blood involved so it must have been a scalpel instead of just the needle.  so incision made, needle inserted, and i watched the ultrasound screen.  i could see a dark mass of tissue with a pointy thing going in.  the dr told me there was going to be a series of clicks while the needle removed tissue.  i did not jump.  i am so proud, cuz i remember using an injector as a child that made a loud click sound and i would jump shooting insulin all over my leg at such a high pressure that it would make me bleed.  but i did not jump with this clicking sound.  she removed several samples.  i began to feel some pain and discomfort and thought the process would never end when she finally removed the needle.  i can't remember much other than we talked about my desire to work with individuals who have been trafficked in the sex industry.  rather a good conversation actually.  the procedure took probably 30 minutes max.  after the dr left i got up slowly and stiffly, one of the assistants wiped blood off of me and gave me instructions.  after she left i gingerly put on my clothes.  she came back with instructions printed out for me and took me to the front to check out.  i have a follow up appt on the 5th of may.

i rushed off to class from the dr wondering how wise it was for me to NOT go home.  it was a very long night, but the presentation was good.  we were the last group and therefore did not start until after 9.  i so wish i could have gotten out of there earlier, but oh well water under the bridge now.

the next morning i woke at 6, completely wide awake.  so i got up and finished my packing while getting ready.  i think i was together by 7.30 - left town around that time anyway and that was after getting gas and checking the air in my tires.  

the drive went well.  i think i got there around 12.  i felt tired and cramped, no pain from the biopsy however so that was nice.  my head ached though and i was taking stuff for that.  (the funny thing is that there has not been pain during the time the dr said i would have it, and this is usually my case - nothing until a week later..., but now i feel slight pains and uncomfortable..)

i had a good time with scot.  i miss him so much when he is not around.  had a bit of a dramatic night the saturday i was there.  i mistook something he said and thought his ex-fiance's little sister was singing that night and that she (the ex) was probably going to show up, and that she did show up, and thought he was acting weird... and it was just not too pleasant.   i asked him about it when we got home and he explained the girl singing was maybe a sister of a friend he used to know and just happened to have the same first name as his ex.  but he did say that one of the gals at the bar stood up and grabbed hold of his arm with the intention of having him sit and buy her drinks all night.  she asked him what he had been up to since she had not seen him around and he told her he was getting engaged and planning on marrying next summer.  i had seen scot speaking to her but did not know what it was about as i had made it to the table already.  regina, scot's mom had said hi to her when they walked in so i assumed it was a family friend and did not think anything about it.  scot had been acting odd the first half of the evening and i thought it was because of the 'ex' thing but now have no idea.  anyway.  interesting night.  

 

i feel so sad right now.  i can't pin down why either.  just feel like i should sit and cry.  i can come up with probabilities but not certain if they are the culprit.  last nights class was full of emotional topics: a military video (which causes anger and hurt to rise), a personality paper asking for three events that affected my life - they were grandmother leaving, rape, and divorce (with each having deep emotional impact in me), a presentation that i felt like i was dead while giving, and topical conversations where i rambled on and on about wanting a deeply tangible relationship with God.  but are those events affecting me because i am feeling sadness over other things and those are now heightened or are they causing the sadness.  o and add all the stuff with the lump, not sleeping wonderfully on my trip to tx, and then saying good-bye to scot... well that all makes up for some good reasons to cry i guess.  i am ready for my laying out time and dancing this weekend.  o and i bought a season ticket to the renaissance fair so that is some good excitement. 

i am relationally sad also.  when looking at a picture of a couple that looks so happy while having to hold the tears well i am going to call it and say that i am sad about relationships too.  i am sad at the knowledge that having children will allow my body to develop and possibly take care of these lumps in my breasts but not being able to yet.  i am sad that i am not in a position with scot to be married and at times wonder if it will come together smoothly or not.  i question what he will be like, and i truly want to be romanced but can't see any.  i don't want to go without romance ever again.  is it sad that a friend is more romantic toward me than the man i am with?  yes, that makes me sad also.  

Jesus, i want to be swept up into strong arms and see sentimentality and tenderness.  he is so strong and has had to keep going when he needed rest.  i ask that You bring out in him what is good, help me see every bit of the romance so i can encourage him and thank him.  help me to ask without demanding, whining, or cutting.  i long for romance of the soul and spirit, i ache for it and can see no sign but hear words promising it.  help with follow through.  

romance is possibly not the answer i am looking for, not really.  i just know i want it and so i come to You because You are my provider.  i want it from scot and know You will not force anything.  i dry up hoping for it.  uncertainty edges around me calling into question the ability to live forever without romance and passion.  i know i cannot live without that awakening.  it takes neither gold, not proximity to show statements of love.  bring inspiration and life to a withered soul, bring the ability to live again and share it with another.  bring that to scot.