Sentimentality

i asked for sentimentality and got it.  last night scot told me he is having trouble cleaning up the sink in his bathroom because there are traces of my make up still there, with a few of my hairs clinging to the counter.  he said the pillow i used has already lost my smell, the trace of my shampoo was gone.  strange how this information brings a reality to me,  he really does miss having me around. in the telling of his actions he relates his depth of loneliness without me around.

with this new information i still struggle with thoughts of 'that happy, want to be around one another all the time ends at some point'.  i already loath the days we will be so comfortable with one another that he is irritated at the make up and hair i leave behind instead of experiencing the whispering longings of the present.  should i not just enjoy now and not stare at the gray within that clouded though?

we spoke of romance and passion.  my fear of not feeling passion and romance brings questions to mind about the depth of my love for scot.  yet i know i am committed to this relationship and seeing it through.   am committed to scot, where he is and where he plans to go, what we plan to do together as partners in marriage and life.  after speaking with a co-worker this morning, and scot last night, i feel romance is something that will come as we are consistent in our face-to-face time.  a long-distance relationship brings hardship to romance.

presently i am listening to this piano play a beautiful melody moving my heart into a type of dance.  i guess experiencing beautiful moments with scot will move me and romantic passion will develop.  i don't want cliché, but there are just some things here on earth that are beautiful because God made them that way.  i love nature and music.  i so enjoy a cup of coffee while talking to a friend.   scot mentioned last night romance will be what we find along the way.  i can hardly wait - guess that shows some passion.

and me - what am i sentimental about?  what do i find romantic?  what stirs passion and life within me?  

a great conversation, hitting a depth of connection (which i hear is not a normal everyday occurrence so what do i do about that, or rather what do we do about that??).  eyes meeting with both parties knowing they share a bond, or something (guess i better get over being embarrassed to meet scot's gaze huh..?).  a single flower, or lots of them..., for no apparent reason - even a little note saying something silly is wonderfully romantic.  then there is of course catching something in nature so inspiring and breath-taking that is shared between two individuals and felt to the core (some poetic inspiration is taken here...).  scot sends me song lyrics and tells me what they make him think of, i love that. i hope for moments not created, but that take place.  the surprise of a little romance not planned but spontaneous - those i believe will stir the passion desired in my heart and woo me into scot's arms. 

been a few busy days, maybe weeks at this point.  can't remember the last entry i made.  possibly i put information about finding a lump in my breast and having to get test after test done to find out what it was.  maybe it was about getting ready for my trip to texas.  so forgive the repetition if there is any...

about three weeks ago i found a marble sized lump that, i thought, was getting smaller but uncertain and so i went to have it checked.  ok i remember that i have already typed about the tests and confirmation on having a lump, so i will skip ahead a bit.  an appointment was set up to see a breast surgeon on wednesday last week.  the ex-rays and ultrasound pictures did not make it to her office so she was not certain why i was there.  she, and two assistants, did an examination and ultrasound to find the lump.  i then was biopsied. 

the biopsy was actually not that bad.  i was numbed and then a needle was inserted - or maybe a slit was made with a scalpel, i remember seeing a scalpel... and i think there was blood involved so it must have been a scalpel instead of just the needle.  so incision made, needle inserted, and i watched the ultrasound screen.  i could see a dark mass of tissue with a pointy thing going in.  the dr told me there was going to be a series of clicks while the needle removed tissue.  i did not jump.  i am so proud, cuz i remember using an injector as a child that made a loud click sound and i would jump shooting insulin all over my leg at such a high pressure that it would make me bleed.  but i did not jump with this clicking sound.  she removed several samples.  i began to feel some pain and discomfort and thought the process would never end when she finally removed the needle.  i can't remember much other than we talked about my desire to work with individuals who have been trafficked in the sex industry.  rather a good conversation actually.  the procedure took probably 30 minutes max.  after the dr left i got up slowly and stiffly, one of the assistants wiped blood off of me and gave me instructions.  after she left i gingerly put on my clothes.  she came back with instructions printed out for me and took me to the front to check out.  i have a follow up appt on the 5th of may.

i rushed off to class from the dr wondering how wise it was for me to NOT go home.  it was a very long night, but the presentation was good.  we were the last group and therefore did not start until after 9.  i so wish i could have gotten out of there earlier, but oh well water under the bridge now.

the next morning i woke at 6, completely wide awake.  so i got up and finished my packing while getting ready.  i think i was together by 7.30 - left town around that time anyway and that was after getting gas and checking the air in my tires.  

the drive went well.  i think i got there around 12.  i felt tired and cramped, no pain from the biopsy however so that was nice.  my head ached though and i was taking stuff for that.  (the funny thing is that there has not been pain during the time the dr said i would have it, and this is usually my case - nothing until a week later..., but now i feel slight pains and uncomfortable..)

i had a good time with scot.  i miss him so much when he is not around.  had a bit of a dramatic night the saturday i was there.  i mistook something he said and thought his ex-fiance's little sister was singing that night and that she (the ex) was probably going to show up, and that she did show up, and thought he was acting weird... and it was just not too pleasant.   i asked him about it when we got home and he explained the girl singing was maybe a sister of a friend he used to know and just happened to have the same first name as his ex.  but he did say that one of the gals at the bar stood up and grabbed hold of his arm with the intention of having him sit and buy her drinks all night.  she asked him what he had been up to since she had not seen him around and he told her he was getting engaged and planning on marrying next summer.  i had seen scot speaking to her but did not know what it was about as i had made it to the table already.  regina, scot's mom had said hi to her when they walked in so i assumed it was a family friend and did not think anything about it.  scot had been acting odd the first half of the evening and i thought it was because of the 'ex' thing but now have no idea.  anyway.  interesting night.  

 

i feel so sad right now.  i can't pin down why either.  just feel like i should sit and cry.  i can come up with probabilities but not certain if they are the culprit.  last nights class was full of emotional topics: a military video (which causes anger and hurt to rise), a personality paper asking for three events that affected my life - they were grandmother leaving, rape, and divorce (with each having deep emotional impact in me), a presentation that i felt like i was dead while giving, and topical conversations where i rambled on and on about wanting a deeply tangible relationship with God.  but are those events affecting me because i am feeling sadness over other things and those are now heightened or are they causing the sadness.  o and add all the stuff with the lump, not sleeping wonderfully on my trip to tx, and then saying good-bye to scot... well that all makes up for some good reasons to cry i guess.  i am ready for my laying out time and dancing this weekend.  o and i bought a season ticket to the renaissance fair so that is some good excitement. 

i am relationally sad also.  when looking at a picture of a couple that looks so happy while having to hold the tears well i am going to call it and say that i am sad about relationships too.  i am sad at the knowledge that having children will allow my body to develop and possibly take care of these lumps in my breasts but not being able to yet.  i am sad that i am not in a position with scot to be married and at times wonder if it will come together smoothly or not.  i question what he will be like, and i truly want to be romanced but can't see any.  i don't want to go without romance ever again.  is it sad that a friend is more romantic toward me than the man i am with?  yes, that makes me sad also.  

Jesus, i want to be swept up into strong arms and see sentimentality and tenderness.  he is so strong and has had to keep going when he needed rest.  i ask that You bring out in him what is good, help me see every bit of the romance so i can encourage him and thank him.  help me to ask without demanding, whining, or cutting.  i long for romance of the soul and spirit, i ache for it and can see no sign but hear words promising it.  help with follow through.  

romance is possibly not the answer i am looking for, not really.  i just know i want it and so i come to You because You are my provider.  i want it from scot and know You will not force anything.  i dry up hoping for it.  uncertainty edges around me calling into question the ability to live forever without romance and passion.  i know i cannot live without that awakening.  it takes neither gold, not proximity to show statements of love.  bring inspiration and life to a withered soul, bring the ability to live again and share it with another.  bring that to scot.

Dealing With It All

friday i had a dr appointment to check a lump in my breast.  the nurse practitioner was the perfect personality to work with on this issue.  she was warm and friendly, i actually liked her very much.  so i have a lump.  that was established by me about three weeks ago.  then she agreed and sent me for a mammogram and ultrasound. 

yesterday i went for the mammogram and ultrasound.  i got squished and pulled during the mammogram but overall it was not bad, almost felt like i was doing a strange modeling job... very strange........ the ultrasound was kinda neat.  i got to see this shadowy round-like thing with other shadowy things in the area from every angle imaginable (can't remember if they were all connected or not).  then the radiologist came in and watched the ultrasound tech manipulate the wand over the mass of shadow.  conclusion from two days of dr appointments: i have a lump.  i already told them that.. 

i don't even remember what was said except that i need a biopsy (knew that already, can't diagnose anything without getting samples....) and the formation was not the usual cyst formation.  

i also found out yesterday that our vp has resigned effective immediately.  so work was more than a little crazy - for everyone else.  i am so glad i had a dr appointment to be at.  i still think i have the same boss, the same duties, the same.... but no one has told me yet

today i have the biopsy.  my appointment is at 5.45 pm.  then i have to get to class for my part of the powerpoint presentation.  that kinda blows, i guess.  i am thinking it would be nice to go home after being stabbed for an hour with a needle and go to bed.  (no idea really on the time frame and how late i will be to my class - but you know me, i hate to be late to anything but don't want to miss a class - ever!!!)

fortunately i believe i am prepared for my presentation tonight.  wonderful to know that.  

tomorrow!!! i head out for texas.  it will be a welcome relief from this reality. 

i have a false reality there but it is sure nice to escape to.  when i am with scot i so enjoy my time, there are moments of boredom but life is like that.  there are moments of miscommunication but is it so different from miscommunicating on the phone.  i am looking to the time when he will be here and we will do the face to face relationship.  

he has been dealing with a hernia for as long as we have been doing this 'thing'.  i think he is at the point of needing to go to the emergency room.  he keeps saying he will go but it just doesn't work out.  he gets better and the need is not so intense.  he told me yesterday he would go this next week.  i told him i wanted to ask him to promise me but would not demand it because i knew maybe he was not ready to be in that place yet.  i am concerned.  i hope that he is recognizing, through his concern for my situation, the way i am feeling about him being taken care of.  i guess i will be talking to him once i get up there.  

i love him very much.  i think he is a great match for me.  i can tell there will be rubs for us both - i mean two personalities living in one home, how can there not be rubs??

God it is amazing what You are able to do with two people.  i hope You can have Your way in our life, individually and as a couple.  i know human nature is tricky, and i know that You are able. 

Maybe Some Help Here?

wednesday x came to me and told me she wanted me to move things on my desk so that the evening receptionist, who will be answering maybe one hour of calls each evening (no only 1/2 hour now) won't have to reach for the phone.  mind you this set up works wonderfully for me who answers the phone 40 hours a week...  and this is considered the desk i work at and do all my duties from.  and there is a head set so the evening person who will be answering around 3 hours of phone calls a week doesn't have to reach. 

this is just so ridiculously nauseating to me right now.  change my schedule, change my desk, change everything that is not working for other people so they don't have to adjust - just better to adjust me.

i am aggravated by the lack of communication or clarifying with me or asking if it was alright before making the decision.  i am having trouble with my health because of the stress in this office and inability to clarify with personalities how they can treat me.  

ok so i have spoken with my boss and she said that x has stated she likes me.  that probably x is reacting mostly from frustration and it is not personal. and that somehow me being such a person of empathy it should work to let me wipe the slate clean with another.  i agree with all of that except that i know i get highly irritated when i see i am willing to change so much about me and my comfort level to make another happy - that is an entirely other matter, maybe - i hate that i get muscle aches and pains and that my desk is finally working for me and now needs to be changed.  so we, boss and i, are going to look for solutions.  guess it is time to say "help"...

Lies Suck

what if i am being lied to?  i spoke with a friend from years ago.  he brought up that he hates scot and so i asked him what that was all about.  while he will not give specifics the basic foundation is that scot did something and my friend believes scot is lying to me about it.  and that if scot is willing to lie to me about this then he will lie about anything.  that being said, i trust my friend to not lie to me.  i trust scot and think the issue, whatever happened, must not be that big of a deal, except that my friend hates scot and that takes a lot - to get my friend to hate someone...

so if i am being lied to about that, then what else is scot lying about (that is the question being posed to me by my friend)?  i trust scot.  i need to trust him.  these are scary thoughts, but i do believe i trust scot.  and i have not asked him details so it may not be any big deal at all.  

again i may be getting myself worked up for nothing, but there is a little concern.  and i sure don't want to place trust where it is not warranted.  i hope scot gets here fast so i can see what he is really chasing.

A Few Choice Words

yesterday was a great day at work, until i went to leave.  

i sat at my desk until straight up 5pm and then sat there afraid to leave because x was standing at the desk.  i knew she would say something about me leaving and my relief  (cuz i guess i now need a relief but had not been told) was not sitting there in the chair.  i took extra time shutting things down, gathering my stuff, and saying good-bye to a co-worker.  as i opened the door to walk out x blurts out something about did i know where the person was at that was taking over for me.  i replied, in a strained voice, that i did not know where they were.  she replied gruffly, or maybe that is her normal voice when showing irritation, something about me knowing who was supposed to be at the front to which i replied that information is not communicated to me.  she then refereed to handing a baton off to the next person and stated that "they had it, go on", meaning she, or the it guy, or my co-worker had the phone since i was leaving before i was supposed to.  i was pretty floored (though i should just expect it by now).  i stammered something and she again said no go on they had it.  i walked to my car shaking and sat down.  somehow i had forgotten my phone and knew i was going to have to go back in for it.  i waited.  

when i got back into the office my relief had arrived, x was no where in sight, and my phone was sitting on the counter.  i asked my relief if x had said anything and related a bit of the situation to her.  my relief said that our clocks were five minutes fast according to their iphone.  i don't think they realized how detrimental it is to ags that our phone is left for five minutes (yes that is sarcasm and it is dripping).

as far as i know i still get off at 5 and do not have to wait around for any relief.  that may change today when i check my email and found out my offense was grave.  i know i am being sarcastic here but i am really angry about how x has treated me for the past three years.  i believe she is short and speaks in an irritated tone with several of the staff, but i don't like being one of her targets.  i truly wanted to ask her why she felt the need to be so nasty toward me - but only after i got home and calmed down a little enough to think straight.  

i know i am sensitive.  that is one of my strong points - i can feel deeply with others.  on the negative side it makes me sick each time i have to interact with her.  i am on edge whenever i see her walking up to the building and cringe when she comes near.  i don't have the balls to just ask her what the deal is, and i think she would deny anything anyway.  

i have decided the next time she comes to speak to me i am going to make a deal of pulling out my phone and recording her.  i want her to know that she speaks in a nasty way to me and i am going to do something about it.  when i finally get some thick skin and decide i don't care if she likes me.

the co-worker that i said good night to last night just came and told me she was quite disturbed by the way that situation was handled last night.  that last night her husband asked what she wanted for supper and she started crying.  this job is getting to people, not the job but the people we are working with.  she reminded me that i am not the only one x has been nasty to so it is not personal.  

i still wish i could give x a few choice words to knock some sense into her.

Three Names

this really, probably shouldn't be a big deal, cuz i know a lot of women have had this happen, but i am bothered by the idea of having three last names once i am married.  it makes me feel like i failed somehow.  thinking that people will look at my three names and see that i have been married twice.  i know and realize that people get married and it doesn't work,  i just feel stigmatized.  put into a category: i could not make it work.

and there, right there, is the issue.  my pride, ego, whatever.  thinking i could have done everything to make a relationship work well.  it takes two people, willing people, to have a relationship work.  i

so wish i had dated my ex-husband.  we probably would have broken up enough to realize that our relationship was simply not going to work.  but no, we decided not to do that - actually he more decided that it was marriage on the table and nothing else.  which leads me to another rabbit trail.

i remember him asking if i would want to just get a "paper" marriage.  this one was for a military person  to marry for more money but not a real marriage.  i was horrified at the idea.  (that was red flag material - i must have had rose colored glasses on...)  it meant i lived in tennessee and he lived in california, and wherever else they sent him, and i was trapped.  i would not be able to have a relationship with anyone, not even him.  if i did want to date or see another person i would be unfaithful, never mind whatever he was doing...  it meant no family, no children, no celebrations, nothing.  it was a quick suggestion that i should have put more weight behind, wow - naive.

i keep beating myself up about not checking into him and finding out if he could have a relationship with me, or anyone for that matter...  at some point i am going to have to move on from that or it will hang me up way too often.

i order transcripts where i work.  i see all these names for women and it bothers me.  it bothers me that there will be a paper trail documenting my failed marriage. 

and i know this is coming out of fear.  fear that another marriage will fail and then i will have three names and no husband or family of my own.  straight up fear that can only be calmed as scot and i build trust.  it is simply going to take time and patience.

after speaking with him last night we both connect on how much we want to be together.  it was a nice conversation.  

i long to see how he is with passion and drive, having him close enough to watch and interact while he is excited about things going on around him.  i have concerns that will only be worked out when we are face to face, and it is my desire to take care of those needs.  i realize, whenever we have a serious talk (well it is never fully serious, thank goodness i have learned to have a sense of humor...) that he also is looking forward to the time of getting to know one another face to face.  we both need it.  

so back to the three names thing.  it is a conversation that will probably come up a few times.  it is also a fear that will be worked out in time with trust.  

bring it.

Say It Over And Over "This Will Be Good For Me..."

maybe i am the one who is hypocritical.  i complain about christians doing one thing and saying another.  kinda sounds like me.  and then there is that whole judging others without knowing motivation - which is so secret most of the time the person doesn't even know why they are doing what they are doing.  that  means that i could not possibly have a clue to why they are saying something and then i think their actions are disproving what they say.  i also find that often when i am pointing fingers they tend to point back at me way too often.  

i am sitting at work and there is a prayer meeting happening down the hall, being led by x.  i am judging her based on how i think she has been feeling towards me.  i have no concrete proof, just the feelings and what others have said (label that "gossiping" please).  i realize there has been talk about me, and i realize she has been part of it.  somewhere here i have to let it go.  

i have to let go just as i did when the vp was threatening to fire me based on what a student said.  i stood on my porch and told God how scared i was, that i was incapable of doing anything to change the situation.  i reminded myself that He put me here for a season and that i was doing my best to be the best i could and get my education with the purpose and intent of being able to help others.  and i reminded myself that He is always for my good, even when i do not deserve it.  the vp was much scarier than x and God walked me through that.  He will walk me through this too. 

i don't like that others don't like me.  i don't relish having people talk negatively about me.  however, it is going to happen.  i have asked for the opportunity to learn how to handle situations where i am not liked, and the people that are choosing to not like me.  in other words, the grace to adapt to life. 

yay, another growing opportunity.  (please notice there is sarcasm with that statement AND a slight realization that it will be good for me...)

This Drive

i want him to want me so i can reject him.  i want him to feel the pain i am feeling when thoughts hit me that i was not good enough, or what he wanted.  if he had taken the time to know me we would have found we were not good together; so much pain could have been avoided.  i now understand why i am taking this new relationship slowly so as to know this gentle-man.  

strange to me how i feel this pain clearly but know i am loved by another.  i am loved by him, but still scared because i believed once before and brokenness was the result.  

taking revenge on the one who broke my heart will not heal my soul.  holding the desire will break the back of the one who loves me as he tries to win my hidden heart.  a conundrum i do not understand at this time.  the need for revenge but letting go opening a door for love.

Not Really An Explination, But A Beginning To Understanding

it is great to have this blog here.  i can pretty much put anything in it because i really don't believe anyone is reading it.  though i still try to not mention exact names or go into anything that i think would expose another, it is still nice to be able to vent online - my hand gets cramps from writing and then i can't read what i wrote. so with that said

i realize this job situation will blow over.  and i am not certain i even put down what was going on.  it went something like this:

Wednesday, April 06, 2011 11:02 AM
To: Rebecca Lagola

I need your help here… looking at what the front desk looks like-
Can you tell me what all you do between 8am and 9am every morning?

Wednesday, April 06, 2011 11:37 AM

I make coffee, clean out the dishwasher, go through files and set up my day’s activities, open the office doors to circulate air, and generally make certain the lights, tvs, and other things are on and in running order.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011 11:42 AM

Okay! That makes sense! I have a question for you… what would you think about moving your hours from 8:30am – 5:30 pm? In light of the Evening Receptionist changes, we’ve noticed a real need for more consistent front desk coverage after 5pm.

Would you still be able to do all of your duties in 30 min? Realistically some of that stuff really shouldn’t even be your job. I know you just do it so that it gets done J (that was a smilie face)

From: Rebecca Lagola 

 Wednesday, April 06, 2011 11:51 AM

How long would the change of hours be for?  I do realize much of that is not my “job” but there is not anyone that will step up and do those things so I save myself the complaints and people hassling me about things in the office because I get it done before they even think about it.

I seriously value my time in the morning when no one is here to interrupt me and people start showing up around 8.30. 

Also I have class Wednesday and need more of a break than 30 min.

So all that to say I am willing to do so for a short stint but would like to keep the “real” schedule from 8-5.  Would this change be for good or a time frame to cover until there is an evening receptionist?

 Sent: Wednesday, April 06, 2011 11:59 AM

Well, here’s where the “rub” is… the evening receptionist position has only ever been part-time, meaning that they can’t come in before 5pm or they won’t have enough hours to finish out the week. That being said- I think we could work around the nights you have class… maybe get someone else to cover, but what that means is that at 5pm, the desk is sitting empty while the evening receptionist is setting up classrooms! No good.

It sounds like this has been a problem for a while, but not having a receptionist has really brought it to light. I completely understand you valuing your time in the morning, and I want to be amenable to keeping your schedule as convenient for you as possible, but this is a necessary shift.

To compensate for the time shift, the directors have agreed to help make it so that you have at least one 10-minute break a day away from the desk (we do not live in a perfect world, but they said they’d try their darndest J) (that was another smilie face.. each J = smilie face :).)

Technically, even if you work 8:30-5:30 Mon to Thursday, and 8:30-3:00 Friday you’re not working your full requirement of 40 hours/week. I know it’s not the most pleasant of changes, but I think it’s best for the school…

From: Rebecca Lagola
Sent: Wednesday, April 06, 2011 1:37 PM

Hmm sounds as though the decision has been made.  The reference to having assistance from the directors sounds as though I really have no say. 

My understanding of the office manager position was an 8-5 shift.  Lou would be leaving at 5 and I would be coming in to open classrooms. My understanding was that the office “closed” at 5 so any voice mails left I would return or forward to the correct voice mail. 

I am glad to do what is best for the school, the challenge is whether there is enough phone traffic being missed from 5 to 5.30 or 6 to warrant a change in my schedule.   I am curious if there is the phone traffic, would there be any way to track it over the next week or two before enforcing a change in my schedule?

Sent: Wednesday, April 06, 2011 3:04 PM

I’ve thought about this, and I really think we should initiate this change, and then reassess in the future (maybe in a month or so.) You know as well as anyone that consistency at the front desk is critical to our success in AGS, and you bear a bigger burden than anyone else in that area!

I truly believe this is what’s best for AGS, and I think you’re the gal we want in that position during the transition time! Get me your class schedule, and on nights you have class, we’ll get someone else to cover the desk between 5-5:30pm. Please also plan (moving forward) to just let the Evening Receptionist know when you’re leaving for the day. That will help avoid confusion.

Let’s start the “schedule shift” Monday, April 18^th. I’ve got the front desk covered from 5-6pm until then. You’re more than welcome to continue coming in at 8, if you need some early morning solitude, but 8:30 will be sufficient!

Thanks for being a trooper on this. I know it’s not Ideal, but I really appreciate your willingness in light of the fact that it is what’s best for the school!

Sent: Thursday, April 07, 2011 9:16 AM
To: Rebecca Lagola

Didn’t hear back from you on this yesterday… did you get it?

From: Rebecca Lagola
Sent: Thursday, April 07, 2011 10:51 AM

I would rather communicate about this face to face than through email. 

Sent: Thursday, April 07, 2011 12:25 PM

Happy to do that, but I intentionally wanted an email trail to follow-up with… when’s a good time to chat?

Sent: Thursday, April 07, 2011 1:11 PM
To: Rebecca Lagola
Subject: Re: Front Desk...

I won't be there until next week. Seems a long time to wait... Maybe I can get Kent to cover the front desk this afternoon so we can chat! :0)

Lemme work on it!

On Apr 7, 2011, at 1:04 PM, "Rebecca Lagola"wrote: 

Anytime you are here would be good.

Sent: Thursday, April 07, 2011 1:26 PM

I would prefer face to face if that is ok.

Sounds good – I am guessing we will be here?  And is that tomorrow, because I have a Dr appt at 3.15 and have to leave by 3.
Sent: Thursday, April 07, 2011 4:02 PM
To: Rebecca Lagola

I’ll do you one better… had an awesome talk with HR today, and the three of us will chat around 2pm on Friday, 4/15! We need to get some measures in place to be sure we’re safeguarding you and being good stewards of our policies and procedures!

Don’t worry, I think you’ll like what we’ve come up with! Change is not always easy, but usually good J

so with that said - or copied and pasted - i realize the changes are going into effect.  that is fine, just hated the way it went down.  and i am guessing - which i have been known to be wrong often - that the lady x is behind this schedule change, it rubs me again.  and again.. lol.  

i admit i am a little fearful that with hr being involved this is going to still come back on me somehow.  i just don't know what i am afraid of.  i am afraid that admitting i am upset will make me look like a baby and weak.  i am afraid of giving the wrong impression.  i am afraid of rejection so harsh i would be let go from my job.  this is again a situation that only God can calm.  i have gone through this before with the vp threatening me, and i had to give it to Him and realize that i am doing what needs to be done to the best of my ability.  therefore He will continue to guide my steps.  it is the same thing again, just a different face.   

God, will You care for me in this situation?   i need help letting x go, letting the animosity i think she has toward me be erased from the equation.  i want to love her because You love her.  

this change is not my preference, but i have enough experience with You to know that You bring good out of every situation.  i will be looking for Your hand throughout this experience.  i just don't want to be too selfish or demanding, i sure don't want to be viewed in a negative way.  i am horrible in situations where meshing needs happens and tend to sacrifice what is good for me and my health to appease others and then am so unhappy and miserable which makes me sick.  what do i truly need?  is it that i resist the change because i don't like it and then that rejection of another idea makes me feel ill?  

this is not a simple problem - i presume it has a simple answer because with You nothing is complicated.  i will do my best to rely on You through this process. 

Pretty Crappy

so the past few days have been hectic and i get the feeling that one of the gals in the office is bringing her irritation about who i am into a personal setting at work.  this gal is in a place of authority and, as far as i can tell, has had issues with needing power as long as i have been working here.  

she is one of the people who came into the office and told me i was an idiot to not challenge a vp when told to toss things in the garbage because she, the vp, was tired of seeing all the clutter.  the gal, i will name her x, proceeded to tell me it was ridiculous and i was foolish (wish i could remember the exact word…) o and that she did not believe the vp would ever act that way (though x was not in the office and there were at least three eyewitnesses who heard, and were so shocked they did not know what to say, and saw the actions.  those same witnesses – two of them – heard x talk to me in that disrespectful way and were stunned also as to how to respond.  one of them did step in and say to x that there was no reason to speak to anyone the way she was speaking to me).  after being told i was not wise to question the vp she went to her office and i proceeded to take several breaths and then went to her office to clarify what had happened with the vp to explain why i did not challenge her.  x again stated i was not using wisdom (i believe that was the word, it centered around how unwise i was…) and that the vp would not act in the manner i was describing.  

this has been a long standing issue, even clear back to when i first began to work for this company.  there were issues when she was a co-worker and had no authority over me, and on into my current position.  now she is in a place of power and i am actually afraid i may at some point be put under her department.  i do not relish being treated as a child or spoken to in complete disregard.  

i was randomly told today that the new work study is not to sit up here with me but must be back in another office – the instruction was given by x to the gal that told me.  i guess i should not have been surprised.  i talked to the work study that used to sit up here, a lot actually, we both got our work done and he would cover the phones.  he also witnessed the three times i was outright attacked, twice by the vp and once by x. 

i often see x standing around the corner – there is a glass front to our entrance and i am able to view activities in both hallways – watching me, just standing there watching me work, or not work depending on what i have already accomplished.  

so i am certain you can tell i feel ill toward this x.  it is difficult to be in an office where i know i am not liked.  i do recall asking God to help me learn how to work around those who do not like me.  needless to say, i do not like learning this.  how does one work where they know they are not liked?  i had started to pray that God would grant me the grace to work with her and a couple other people in the office.  she is the only one left that seems to still have a serious problem with me.  as much as i don’t want to i need to start praying for her again.  i realize she is in a tough place personally and a struggle for any control, anywhere, is what may be happening here.  it seems that no matter my efforts to communicate with her and find out what needs to be done – (back when we were moving and she was in charge of the move i went to her often each week to ask for clarification on what was needed but never given any instruction.  i then decided to just start packing things up so it was not left till last minute.  once we got moved – and that was a hassle in itself i was sick and did not come in to work that 14+ hour day, and others did not work it either, so i was not the only one – i caught the vp tearing me apart in the copier room and saying how i did nothing and was useless.  a few weeks later i was set down and told that my moral was being questioned.  through tears i asked for clarification and told my side.  that i had caught the vp gossiping about me, that i was in the middle of a marriage breaking up and felt there was no safe place to be, that yes my attitude was suffering but i was doing my best, that i had spoken to x on several occasions to get direction and never received it only to find out two other people were supposed to give me the ins and outs of the move so they had been the dropped ball that i was being blamed for, and on and on.  it pretty much sucked.) so i see the main problem i have with x is communication.  drives me nuts.  maybe she is an “only on a need to know basis” and i don’t need to know in her books…

Is It Time For Bed Yet?

i have a sort of numbness going on now.  i think it probably has more to do with weather than anything else.  not quite certain however. 

the weather here has been all over the place - hot and then cold with huge gusts of wind bringing all the allergy stuff raging.  so yay!  i have heard that this will be the worst allergy season in the past twelve years.  heck i didn't even know i had allergies till i moved to oklahoma...

i admit that i may have stayed up too late the past few nights also, not that i needed to but just that i happened to not be able to calm my body and mind enough to sleep.  yuck, it is not good. 

i find myself avoiding church sunday mornings.  well i have been experiencing some pretty awful illnesses the past month or so.  but i feel that there is too much pressure to do and be and i sure don't like getting up that early to be part of something that i feel pressure to do - and not the good kind of pressure either...  too often the conversation is about how we are doing it (church) right and so differently than the big ... whatever churches.  can we just forgive those who have hurt us and get moving on?  i think we may be better for ourselves and everyone we come into contact with.  don't get me wrong, there are individuals who are actually community based people - they get out there and interact with people in the community, but mostly everyone is too busy with their own thing to get involved.  (or maybe that is just me and i am feeling overwhelmed because i feel a need to be involved but am not doing so - hmm all those fingers i was pointing suddenly are pointed back at me then... interesting)

generally i am doing well in my relationship with scot.  i miss him very much but am resigning to the fact that it is simply going to take a certain amount of time and i am not in control of that.  i wish for so many things to fall into place more easily but again, there must be a reason why time is being used as it is so i make the most of it.  there is still a lot of space between here and june 29, 2012...(which is my projected date lol and will probably have to change more times than i want to count right now.)

enough rambling i suppose.  (is it time for bed yet??)