Alright, I Am Ready Now

woo hoo - i have my new mini laptop, all kinds of pictures, and other new equipment. i am so excited to do this now. afraid it will take me all night, but here i go.
went to las vegas for christmas. had a great time. we saw all kinds of wonderful hotels and casinos. lots of things there to look at day and night. also spent two wonderful days not doing a thing - that was great too.
here is hoping i can get all my picts and videos uploaded :)







here are a few picts to enjoy
lion - will have to find the hotel...

Christmas at the Bellagio Conservatory & Botanical Gardens
tree at the Bellagio
the Eiffel tower at the Paris display
not sure - just lots of lights
more beautiful lights
lion enclosure at the MGM Grand
one of the lions at MGM Grand
thirsty lion after the 'snack' and 'walk'
close up of the lion after snacking
lioness licking the glass at MGM Grand display
beautiful mountains on road trip to Vegas
another beautiful scene while driving to Vegas

sooner or later i will come back to this page and put in the info for the hotels that are in this entry.

Quick One

here i am sitting on my living room couch. i have just eaten some fantabulous ravioli. i am typing on my new mini computer given to me by rob. all the while watching tv in the background. (rob is drinking eggnog and trying to stay warm in his shorts...)
i have been cleaning and painting this weekend. trying to get the decorations up. just not happening. don't feel much christmas spirit - not even sure what it is supposed to look like. i don't really think it should be about the decorations and pressure to get the house in order. simply seems that my tradition has been to decorate an empty home. anyway, just the way it is - not sure what to do about it, if anything.
i am looking forward to this weekend, hopeing i can get all i would like to have accomplished by saturday finished. we shall see. i have steam cleaned the carpet and need to finish up in the computer room/office and our bedroom. hopeing to have a houseguest, again not sure if it will happen or not. i am glad God is capable to do whatever needs to be done.
well i am going to sigh off now. getting tired and there is still laundry to put away and the kitchen to clean up... wow so much to do. i find i am just tired and ready to crash most days after work. five a.m. is early...
night.

Let's Catch Up Here

wwwwwwwwwwwooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! so i am reminded that once upon a time i was blogging, like mad... and i look here to find that i have not posted since nov 1. what the heck??? where have i been???!!!

for starters:

the job is going great. i have finally found a rhythm - only took a month (that is dripping with sarcasm.. guess i thought i would just step in and know what i was doing. that is a totally different issue tho - something to do with the strange expectation that i am perfect....) <--- needs to be blown out of the water. :) tehetehe..
but really i think i have found the steps i need to put into motion so i can be organized and assist in organizing the office.
hope it looks something like this:
Monday -transcripts
Tuesday - mail run, transcripts
Wednesday - assist with academic records, classrooms cleaned up.
Thursday - financials and car, follow up on packets to registrar and transcripts.
Friday - class room schedule and orders for Saturday completed.
along with these duties are setting up and cleaning up classrooms on a daily basis. this is hard because the phones have to be covered while i am doing this and it often takes longer than i would like it to. and the technical issues...

now for personal. because i am so not what i do.
this process of discovering 'the one made by a loving Father' has been hard, challenging, tearful, scary, and very rewarding. things are not as quick as i would like - probably never will be. time to just accept that (easy said, very hard doing...).
i have read 'the velveteen woman' - great book, if you are looking to find what it is to be real, on a real level with God this is perfect.
checking out 'boundaries in marriage' this deals with putting boundaries on my behaviour and not allowing other influences to state who i am and what i am. this is a tough book too but very freeing.

God shows me a beautiful place reserved for me. He is enjoyable and fun. i feel so loved and wanted. there is joy in the midst of this strange situation and healing of wounds i forgot were there. i face the ugly behaviours and beliefs i have carried all my life with the eyes of a loving Master.

HOW DO I EXPLAIN WHAT I AM EXPERIENCING???!!!

this is something YOU have to experience yourself.

God is so loving and it seems crazy to have been running from His arms for so long. i thought i was punishing Him for not healing my heart, fixing my marriage, and straightening out my life. what i did not realize was i was crippling myself. how could i have anything change without knowing i was so loved and desired??? kind of supersedes the need to be prettiest and have others love me as the most wonderful of all. (reminiscent of all the fairy tales..)

truth: i will always desire love and relationship with others - God put it there. i will always want my husband's love, he is the one i chose to spend life with.
my happiness does not rely on rob. or any love from human people. i have found that i so often let others down and do not love the way they need to be loved, what was i thinking demanding it from them? they can no more provide what i need than i can provide what they need. God can work through me to fulfil the need in others but i will never be the provider. neither can another fulfil me.. (again this sounds great, but is sooo hard. it is hard to constantly forgive and let go that i want SOMEONE to give me all i want and need other than God.)

what does all this mean? hmm why don't you take it to the One who's love is pure and ask Him... there are tons of questions to ask, just be ready to see He loves you sooooo.

Something, But Not Sure

so.... it has been two weeks working my crazy shift, three weeks of being ill which finally turned into the flu, and four weeks of october over already. where does the time go? of course if i re-read the first part of that sentence i will see where the time has gone.

it is my belief that monday starts at work around 8.30 and ends around 5, maybe 6 but i am still uncertain. the job is still over my head. turns out i will be carrying duties from the old position into my new one - until they hire a replacement for the evening shift. (it is my hope, and i pray about it at times, that someone will be there in a short few days. i really like the idea of only having new duties to deal with.)

i have been running through my list of blogs. it is hard when i do that because i often see what i do not have. there are pictures of babies and new homes with happy postings. people in pictures laughing and enjoying their relationships. keeps me looking at what it is i hope to have.
i find myself on my knees in the bedroom crying out to God from the deep disappointment in my heart. i continue to grow older and still my marriage seems so rocky and unfriendly - two strangers still. i hear of the children being born and how excited the parents are about the new life and excitement. bitter-sweet fills my heart - excitement and pleasure about the blessing given, and heart sick about the dream not realized - knowing that God will give me just as i asked 'a relationship where our children know they are loved and cared for. a safe place for children to land. a marriage where the children know the parents love one another and there is no doubt of it.' God is excellent in His answer. now to just trust He is doing this.
my throat is swollen and choked and tears sting my eyes. rob sits a few feet away. God is good and He will have His way. i must let Him help me be patient and trusting. i remind myself that there is nothing i can accomplish without His loving strength.

earlier i had been sitting on the couch wondering if i could still do a somersault. so i did one and hurt my shoulder (long suffering injury there...), but i did one. that sparked rob and he asked if i could do a toad something.. he then showed me one and proceeded to do hand stands, cartwheels, and head stands. it was great. we laughed and talked about little things. not quite like friends, but we awkwardly spoke.

two strangers... but God is doing something.

on a side note - mom have a wonderful time in israel.

Here Is The News

okay, more whirlwind. i believe the date was october 13th. a position opened at work for full-time days. i was given the option to take it or at least let them know what i would like to do. full-time has been swirling around for months, but nothing available or optional so i really thought it was not ever going to happen. my initial response was a no - i could not leave the evenings open. too much going on to not have a body there to troubleshoot what ever comes up. so i said 'no, i can't switch to days yes i do want the full-time hours.' i went home and began looking for the best way to get forty hours in one week, and be sure all the evenings and sat morning class would be covered. looked something like six days a week or four ten hour days (and where would we find someone wanting to work 9-12 m-th 9-3 fri and 9-1 sat - six days??). as i prayed it dropped in that days would be perfect. i would have evenings off, weekends off, opening opportunities to pursue friendships, schooling, church activity, even cooking supper... my heart tore about leaving the evenings with no replacement, but i was certain that the days would be the best course. i began a prayer for favour and realized that this road was being led by God and He had already given me favour. i went to my supervisor and told her what was going on. she passed the word onto the people that needed to know i was wanting the new position. so long story short - i am now the Oklahoma Wesleyan University Office Manager for our campus. i am thrilled with the benefit package provided and the options i get as a full time employee. God has far exceeded my desires for my job. i am stunned at how quickly it has happened and how wonderful the blessing of it all. i can fully take care of myself financially and have added wonderful benefits to our family. amazing.
i can continue a relationship with my wonderful supervisor (i have two at the moment until mon nov 3rd) and let it grow into friendship beyond where it is now. the opportunities at church have just blown open. and God has connected me in with people i have wanted to become friends with. i am very excited - just in case you have not gathered that.
every 'issue' i had with taking this evening reception job last january have been resolved. just amazing.
and to top it off - i made an agreement that God is honouring. He is seeing it through. i had no idea how to make it happen but according to the information i had rob and i in agreement, i gave my word that we would be doing something in 12 months. then it blew up and i thought it was lost, wondering how i was going to honour my word. and i see that God is honouring it. again WOW

What Do I Do Now?

it has been a whirl-wind weekend and i am still recovering. after that fantastic vision friday morning it seemed things just fell apart. i am so glad God is faithful and well, glad He is Who and What He is.... love beyond what i could hope for.
so the weekend went by and left me exhausted and torn apart.
sunday was a shower for a soon-to-be mom and it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. i was concerned about going because i am not really familiar with many people and i was tired and emotionally spent. even mom was unsure if it was the best place to go (i did not feel capable to even make a decision...) so i went and was welcomed, like visiting friends
then yesterday a position opened at work. i now have some options, only i am not exactly sure what to do. i have been seeking God on the best course of action. putting down the fearful thoughts that come with some of the choices. i think the hardest part is that i don't know what the options are - is it just a free for all where i can put out my requests and they will simply fill in the hours i don't work? or do i need to be able to work a schedule that is equally 'fair' for a new hire? and is that something i need to concern myself with?
if i had my pick??? take days, a 'normal' schedule so i could have interactions at church and socially that i crave? or keep on with the evening and messed up weekends because i am needed there and have made some 'friends' that i can't hang with or do more than say hi and have a good evening?... wow days are looking better already. but is it 'grass is greener on other side' and then reality hits?
would be obvious i need God's direction on this. just as He directed me to take this position in the first place, He can and will, AND desires to guide my steps in this decision. whatever leads away from peace and life is not of Him. this worry and concern is more than i can carry, Papa, let me hear You loud and clear so i can make the decision You want me to make. i surrender, help me stay there.
Proverbs 16:3 (Amplified Bible)
³Roll your works upon the Lord [commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and] so shall your plans be established and succeed.
i use www.bible.com and www.biblegateway.com for references.

A Vision

late at night, maybe early morning. on my knees crying out - 'be real. You told me You could be more real than the people around me. that Your love is enough. show me what You can be! show this broken woman what You can be...'

a whip flashes across the scene, striking flesh. 'I want her.'
flesh ripping, anguish and torment crosses the features. 'I want her.'
more flashes of a gruesome whip with torturous flesh-grabbing pieces on the ends, thrashing at skin down to bone. 'she is Mine.'
a steak being driven through feet.
His hand curling around the steak driven into it, a simple reaction to the metal driven through muscle into the flesh and bone. with each pounding He sees my anguished face, full of fear and brokenness.

my face with each agonizing strike. 'this is for her.' His resolve and determination to continue, more than i could ever know.

i see the whip striking over and over tearing flesh off His bones, i hear the metal pounding on the steak, i see the thorns breaking through skin and lodging in His brow. His eyes glazing over, and i know that what He sees is my face.
the knowledge - i almost hear Him, His voice strong, yell at each blow He receives 'she is Mine. this is all for her. I give all I am for her.' nothing is held back.
He took humiliation.
torment.
pain.
brokenness.
torture.
brutality so vivid in this vision.
i feel Him wince. He takes all.
all so He could have me. 'I want her as My own.'
i tell you, no one has ever wanted me like this Man.

flash forward. i see moments of torment in my own life. hurts, blows, shame dealt me by an enemy out to destroy all i am and could ever be. and in the midst of each event i hear: 'she is Mine! you can not have her.' i know it is the Man that gave everything to have me as His own.
flash to the moments of despair 'SHE IS MINE. YOU WILL NOT HAVE HER.' times of great emptiness 'no, this will not interfere, she is Mine and I will have her.' i have never known a protector such as this Man fighting for me in each place of despair He will not leave me.
all the times i have cried out 'where are You!!!! You promised never to leave me. where are You. i am here alone! WHERE ARE YOU!!!'
i see the answer tonight in my vision: He is there in each circumstance 'try as you will, you will not have her. she is Mine. I gave all so I could have her.'

my enemy holds nothing. his cards were all played and my Savior rescued me. each event happened. each one left the wound, one compounding another. yet my Protector took it all long before i would so that He could destroy my enemy and claim me as His very own. i saw the horror He went through in vivid, live detail. it all began with His determination through what appeared to be His destruction 'i want her. i will give all for her.'

And Here We Are Again

I GOT MY PHONE!!!! i am so excited. and trying to learn it all. there are a lot of features, most i can not use yet because i have no pda package - just too darn expensive right now.
this past weekend was a blast. i took off saturday so rob and i could attend an investing seminar. we thoroughly enjoyed it and will be pursing the education this next year. i am already praying that God will show us the route to pursue and help us get everything into place in the next 12 months, according to His will.
we went to the haunted castle in muskogee. AND HAD A BLAST. i asked rob what his favourite part was and he said 'do i have to pick one?'. i then knew he had a great time too. :) we got a two fer one to the renaissance festival. likewise when we go to the festival we will have the opportunity to get a two fer one to the haunted castle. see a pattern here?....
and i did not have to work or go in at all this weekend to work. i am so happy.
rob and i really had a great weekend together. seems that God is doing a wonderful thing with us, and i am learning to just let go and trust that God wants it more than i do.
have a wonderful....

Wow All That - Amazing

already a full week and i am unsure where to start with all that has happened and been going on..
state fair friday night.
saturday was full with work and... well i guess i don't remember much else from sat night. we stayed in and had pizza with movie i think.
sunday - went to second service. home, headed out to Fireproof movie. (man just watching the trailer chokes me up every time.) it was sold out and we had a prior engagement at the next showing plus early morning so we headed home for an hour or so. went to supper for a going away party. that sure was enjoyable to be around all the people. got to check out the palm treo 680 that a few of the folks had and that sealed me wanting one (see So Excited And I Just Can't Hide It.)
monday - work and came home to find one of the dogs had been pretty sick (or maybe it happened before i left for work, can't remember exactly.) rob was home before me (yeah!! he likes his new schedule).
tuesday - rob's break lines went out and so there was a lot of running around to get estimates and then parts with one vehicle it was pretty time consuming and he ended up staying at work until picking me up around 10pm. somehow with all that i still made it to work early and boy was it a FULL night. came home and cleaned up kaci's sick mess ALL OVER THE HOUSE (okay just the floors, but it was pretty overwhelming. i was so glad rob was here because i was still pinging from such a hectic work night. i had to just stop and breath, then i steam cleaned about an hour.)
wednesday - early morning, took rob to work. came home and have been monitoring the dog most of the day. she is outside now. still pretty sick.
i have to get ready for work soon because this is my 'early' day and i can never seem to get there until 10 min after i should be there. soooo wish me luck.

this weekend: Fireproof movie (just in case you did not get enough, click here.)
hoping to get to the Haunted House in Muskogee, Ok. then a two-day seminar saturday and sunday. (glad for saturday evening services...) then back to work... wow, i may be tired already.

later.

So Excited And I Just Can't Hide It

here is my soon to be 'new' toy -



and the toys that come with it...

tow sync ports power adapter and usb cable
two car chargers - just in case...

the box.. :)


so excited about this phone. i have been searching, researching, asking around, discussing with my favourite man. and together we came to the decision on this one. yeah!!

hope to have more details later. bfn.

Some Highlights

well it would appear that time has again flown by and i am unsure of exactly what i have been up to..
i took some scissors and chopped on my hair a bit (finally there are styles that call for choppy looking hair :).) still needs shaped up..
kaiser and the house hold are getting used to one another. dude is still a bit apprehensive, but that too will subside..
went to the tulsa state fair last yesterday. that was enjoyable. long day there, lots of expensive food, no rides because they were too expensive - tried a bungee cord ride but could not complete it because of a previous shoulder injury. BUMBED, i was going to try a flip but hurt my shoulder causing it to throb in pain for the remainder of the day. saw cows, chickens, ducks, roosters, and other fowl. it was great. i would love to have gone again today, but we are both pretty wiped out. and rob worked on the yard all day and wiped himself out.
bought a tile cutter and hole saws - fantastic tools. so i am looking forward to redoing our bathroom and kitchen stuff, we have great tools for it :).
i may be getting over a cold of some sort. tried to get me down, but somehow it never settled. God is gracious.
so, i am trying to make this quick because rob and i may be going to watch a movie. later.

The Journey

a little bit about this journey.

i started this blog with just stuff going on around the house. then moved into combating my emotional stuff with scripture. then acknowledging that emotions show us what is going on in us and were placed there by God (even He has them). i then moved onto acknowledging the emotion but asking God for the truth of the situation (still a huge learning curve). and am sitting there in that place. but this journey has been amazing. hardest thing to be in, and not nearly as fast as i wanted it to be. however - (and i think it might be worth all the pain, but am still reviewing that...) instead of a constant reaction from what i feel, i am beginning to react from the truth of what He says. it is still a bit out there for me but i guess balance is settling into place slowly.

thank you for joining me on this journey. hope it has been a little entertaining and done some good for you too.

Why I Don't Like Other Women.... Shocked Me

i was asked the other day if i left my femininity behind. and there must have been a reason for this gal to ask me that question...
yes, strange question. i am not sure what the conversation was, to lead to that question.

(don't you see how cute i am? my hair is styled and my make-up - well yes, it is very subtle today.... - ? i know i am in my workout clothes, but i am planning on hitting the gym in a few hours....)

'no, i don't think so. i like to style my hair and fix my make-up. i love to dress and go out. i really like the attention..' (and that is another conversation...)

then, when i went to the bathroom later i was shocked by the appearance i was giving off. hair all over the place. looked like i had no make-up at all, all blotchy and plain. and 'comfortably dressed for the gym' flew out the window. i looked horrible, well definitely not 'hot' like i had thought.

a little later, while driving around doing errands, it hit me - yes, i truly don't like women. because.... they are weak. hmm well that hit me square in the face. i used to think it was because they were jealous, gossipy, humans. but truly it is because they are 'weak'. i have been attracted to the hollywood version of women being strong. trinity from matrix, laura croft from tomb raider, any showing of a woman that can knock down opposition and not get knocked around to much herself, if at all.

i found passages in the bible that said women were weak (and boy have i found out a lot about those few words since then). i took a few words and built a belief system about women. and those words have nothing to do with the passage and whether a woman is good or bad or has wonderful capabilities.

situations throughout my life were used by the enemy to enforce the idea that being a woman was bad. men were strong and could take care of situations/themself. it was bad to be a woman. so i did all i could to make myself seem strong - strong/controlling personality, weightlifting, like what boys liked (cars, outdoor activity...). i have a slight tendency to enjoy aspects of those subjects, but no real inclination to pursue them. i didn't do sports but wanted to sound like i did, don't care about the workings of a car, but sure enjoy the look and drive of them.. etc.

what is the end of this story? what have i learned from my Creator?

not sure yet. i have not taken the time to get an answer to this upsetting realization. still a bit thrown off by it all. so you will have to stay tuned to find out - why women are great and being friends with them is beneficial.
i know we have wonderful abilities and are great together - otherwise God would not have created us and the enemy would not see fit to wreck our relations with one another, twisting our view of other women. so here i go on another discovery mission that can only be answered by the One who created each woman...

This Is My Saturday

today was long and full. busy morning at work with a faculty meeting and tons of paperwork to do. my filing box is stacked pretty high and i can't seem to get to it. AND today i realized that i am going to a motivation seminar monday - i have to be at work by 7.30 am. that means that i will be working from 7.30 until after 10pm. and i thought the meeting would be great. hmm should be a great week...
so there was a faculty meeting and lots to do at my desk, and all of a sudden it was 12.30 and all the classes were done, which means i have to clean up and leave, whether i am done or not. so i rushed to clean up the remainder of my desk - because ... i will be late getting to work anyway monday and it will be a full night of work so i don't want to 'add' anything to it..
after the work stuff i rushed to meet a friend for a movie - 'the family that preys' good but a stiff ending and i am not sure i liked the way everything resolved. then hung at friend's home for a while. rushed home, let the dogs out, cleaned up a few messes (including me) and rushed to church for greeter post.
now, supper and a movie. i plan to stay up as late as possible so i can sleep as late as possible.
rob is out of town this weekend and will be home tomorrow ...um not sure when, but sometime. i have missed him and look forward to him getting home.
so goodnight to you all and a happy evening.
p.s. kaiser is the bomb of a dog :) and kaci is pretty neat too. oh and dude is the coolest cat, but then so is bernice. i love our family ;).
pss - mom, is the pict better now?? (this is dude malnourished with worms.. but quite the playful thing, before we got him all better)
ppss (hehe). i prayed this little one back from certain death - God sure takes care of my concerns.

Look At All I Got Done Already..

today has been busy!!
rob left for a job this weekend around 6a.m. i slept in and got up around 9. put dogs out, fed them, then let them out again. bathed them, let them out again. cleaned up the living room and bedroom. started laundry. let them out again and they stayed out while i made a pasta dish with veggie sauce (yumm!!!) and stir fry veggies for a side dish, or main dish depending on whether i want to cook something with it.. let the dogs in and out during that time. sat down for lunch (changing laundry somewhere in there too, oh and folded it putting it away too.) and turned on the 3rd instalment of lord of the rings. now i am posting my blog and it is 1:34 pm. thinking about whether i will really have to go to the store or not today and wondering which blockbuster has 'gone with the wind' and 'scarlet'. that is going to be my splurge for this weekend. oh and i suppose i should pay bills today...
so on that note, later.

Ketchup

i am experiencing sleep deprivation - well what i would call sleep deprivation. i am sssssooooo tired. kaiser feels he needs to get us up starting around 4.30 - 5 am. he puts his face right in mine and whines (tall animal). i roll over and say 'bob, he is whining.' rob gets up and lets him out. and it is fantastic. (rob has this wonderful ability to get up and come back to bed and fall right back to sleep. i have no idea how he does this. i can tell him the dog needs out and sorta fall back to sleep... but if i were to get up, well mise well get up.)
kaiser is still not sure where he is to go to the bathroom. tonight i left him in our bathroom with the hope that there would be no mess to clean up. i am asking for a rather large kennel that we can put him in at night or when we go off to work until he is trained for out door bathroom needs. at least my carpet is getting steam cleaned thoroughly.
he is learning a lot. he obeys wonderfully and is learning the tasks throughout the day. what a great dog.
yesterday i did a 'running' workout. today i am pretty sore but sure am excited about what i accomplished. tonight i will go home and do my yoga/pilates workout to stretch and get movement back into achy muscles. since i have been using this stretching workout i have greater movement in my left shoulder (it has been limited in motion for some time now). not what i would like but better than it has been.
hey hope you are having a wonderful day.

Sitting At Work Wondering

i am sitting here at work. sitting because the computer network is slower than slow. there is no getting anything done and i am now highly aware that there are two dogs at home and no one to be in charge. i am thinking about the mess from this morning and hoping (alright desparing) that there will not be a big mess waiting for me at home.
there is this little thought however: i asked God that if we took kaiser, He would give me what would be needed, in every area. finances, grace and mercy, to care for the animal and provide what he would need, and what we would need. patience to clean up after hom and take care of him.
so what i need to do is pull together my thoughts and give them to Him. He is so good at showing me how to structor my time and get done what is needed. He also grants peace to me in the midst of the chaos. He is so good. AND He wants kaiser cared for. me too, He wants me to be cared for and not be weighed down by responsibility. He has made my path straight, and the load i carry to be light in weight, He actually wants to carry it for me while i rest and find peace in Him. i have a job to do, and He enables me to do it.
i am so glad to have kaiser as part of our family. i am blessed to have kaci, dude, and bernice. i am blessed to have rob here too. God gives me exactly what is needed to care for all these blessings, including myself.
have a great night.

First Night

well this morning started earlier than i hoped it would. kept hearing a small whine from the other side of our bedroom. so i got myself out of bed, went to the bathroom (first things first..) and stepped out into the living room. the dogs were so happy to see me. kaci came from the direction of the computer room and kaiser was right there in the hallway. i turned to the right and was greeted by my first wake-up shock - the living room was full of dog poop.
alright - not full, but every room had a present. (and it was BIG poop) i saw the first gift of my morning and immediately let the dogs outside, had to carefully choose my way through as i was greeted with several more surprises.
one room had some dirrehea the computer had just had a visit, and the living room had several piles (how did he hold in that much stuff, we let him out at least four times before bed...) needless to say, i was happy i did not steam clean on friday.
so i steam cleaned this morning with my already sore muscles and spoke lovingly to the dogs. (the cats are still hiding from our new guest) then i showered and prepared to do some yoga/pilates just to loosen my already sore muscles and get some stretch back into my arms. i have misplaced my dvd, so the 40 minute workout took me about 15 min, still trying to figure this out because i think i did all the exercises.... and i am not feeling quite as well as i usually do after this workout.
all in all a very good night. it will take a few days to get a schedule set. and my main priority is to let kaiser know he is loved and welcome here no matter what.
strangely, as i was loading the dishwasher (so i had an empty sink for the steam cleaner water..) it hit me that God has had to clean up a lot of my messes too. that throughout life i have had my share of really dirty messes and He has somehow brought good out of them also. it was just such a striking, funny thought that i had to laugh out loud and then i moaned just because of the embarrassment of what God has come into where i was concerned and how He got me to a better place. He truly comes into our filthy life and loves us out of it all. what a wonderful relationship He gives to us.
have a great day all.

Our New Guest/Family

we have just brought a new guest/family member into our home. one of our destiny church members is heading off to paris tomorrow. he was looking for a great home for one of his best friends. so kaiser has come to join our happy family. looks like a wonderful add. he and kaci ran around the house checking things out (yes, even kaci checked stuff out). and a match is found.

so with out further ado - here is kaiser our new german shepherd
kaiser looking off toward the outdoors

he and kaci are in the upper part of the picture, i know it is hard to see but they are there - where's waldo??

kaci seems to be fine with it all

kaiser in shadow (actually looking around the house for his bestest friend - mocha

still searching. it is going to take a few days. mocha raised him from a 6 week-old. they are great pals.

kaiser we are so glad to have you here with us.

such an exciting and heart wrenching situation. mocha is off on a grand adventure trusting God to take him where he is supposed to go. and so tough to say good-bye to all the familiar and loved places/friends.

we are so glad to be part of this somehow.

Back To The Ol' Grind..

woohoo, i am now the proud owner of a gym membership at the Y. very excited because it has been almost 2 years since i was working out regularly. today was my first 30 minute cardio session and i did well. was tired all day, the exercise did not stimulate me, but i did it!! and i loved it.
i am going to rediscover the power of music on my workout - i find i need a quick beat to match movement to, and it keeps me pumped the entire workout.
i watched the cosby show and laughed a lot. forgot how funny that show is.
i kept up with the guy on the elliptical beside me, and he was in better shape than i feel, so i am pretty proud of my ability today.
now that i have bragged i will go to bed 'cuz i am wiped out :).
night

From A Birthday Party...

friend's son had a bday party - i dressed up (was the only one...) and had a blast. here is some evidence....

What Does It Look Like...

to be in love with your best friend:

complete acceptance of me. who i am, what i like and don't like, my opinions. not judging me by the fear that grips me or how i express it.

being able to not fear any sort of judgement, knowing i am loved simply because i am loved - not by what i do. the worry about not being liked or accepted for what i am would be destroyed by the love shown me.

trusting what is said is true and would happen.

i would want to spend all my waking moments with the person, getting to know everything about them. it would be exciting and fun, scary too at times.

we would touch each other, hugs, holding hands, faces in hands, looking into each other's eyes. no emotion would be too much, no depth wrong to go to.

every thought would be important to one another. every dream something to pursue and see brought to life. my desires would not be threatening, neither would i be threatened by the desires and dreams of my friend/love.

i would know that i am wanted and delighted in at all times, and see the proof of it daily, minute by minute if needed.

there would be lots of romance and conversations, and the times of quiet would be deep and comfortable.

no situation would be too much because we would do it together. we would do everything together, groceries, cleaning, driving places, work, life, family, church, etc... never separated.

i would never be alone or abandoned, the hurts in my life would be cared for and tended. lots of laughter and smiles. i would grow and blossom in this kind of love.

'Would you come and let Me show you that Love truly looks like this?' God.

obamas stand on living children

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIdbYjmbFzo

New Glasses

yeeeehawwwww here are my new glasses, and me with my new glasses

here are my 'regular' glassess and my sun glasses

different poses







and they only cost me $25 a piece, including shipping. get prescription glasses at http://www.goggles4u.com/

How Could I Say....

i originally started this blog as a daily journalling experience. since starting i have realized that i can not lay out the depth of my experience and inner workings of my heart because it is simply not safe. i hate being judged and there are often intense feelings and emotions in my heart, ones that when taken to my Creator, He clarifies and cleans up - showing me the truth and setting me free from those deepest fears and hurts. but until i take them to Him i am base and angry.
it is the deepest cry to be open with, well every person that comes across my path - or here to read this blog. the struggles, hopes, dreams; the journey of where Life, Himself, is taking me. yet there are fears of being judged and, well being judged is about enough.... but then add rejection and all that stuff that comes with rejection. anyway, i still must share my heart, it is something i simply can not run away from.
so -
as with everyone, my life has turned so many turns that at times i have no idea where i am. so many regrets and so many good things (which are harder to see most of the time). i find myself in a place i hoped to never be, facing hurt and pain that i would rather have left buried (yet, God comes to heal the broken heart and bind our wounds so we can be a total whole person. you can not be what you dream of becoming while hiding in a house of pain and hurt.) He calls us to a great adventure where the inner most dream of our heart comes to reality. and to get there is a dangerous and scary journey. there could be more wounds and rejection, there could be failures and overwhelming obstacles, and the odds against us seem incalculable.. but still He calls us to come and join Him, for He will never leave us or turn His back on us. others desperately need to know Him through our journey. and we need that freedom - to be what we were created, fashioned to be.
my personality is to 'do it together', to have lots of friends and we all go together skipping rope and holding hands. so God came to me and asked - if no one goes with you, what will you choose? Me or others? (now, i have never been good at counting the costs, and i really feel that i have prayed some pretty {now they seem} stupid prayers {you know, help me have patience, no one on the throne of my heart but You, etc}. so this time i realized that what He is asking may cost me more than i want to pay. {did i mention there is a lot of hurt and pain now??} yet, His promise to care for me and love me and take me where i need to be is so inviting. and the screaming in my heart to BE something to Him and to others, they are too much to ignore. so the cost will just have to be paid for this.) i said 'yes. yes i will go with You, even if another will not.' peace filled the room and the grip on my heart lessened considerably. He will somehow always protect and love me. and in this i can become a beautiful, strong woman. grace and beauty, knowing ultimate love and acceptance so that any human rejection can be born. to know the unfailing love of One that is passionate about me.
how could i say no?

My Story In A Comic

this is a little comic strip i have been working on. i see this little ninja girl with a tarnished sword saying she just can't go on, she is tired and worn out and doesn't know if she can go on any more.
second frame shows her tiny form climbing up to the face of God. she puts her hands around His face and says - 'i need Your attention NOW.' He pulls her close, and listens to all the tears and heartache, the entire time telling her He knows, He understands the fears the feelings and the situation. acknowledging it all. then He takes her tarnished sword and as He touches it, the sword comes alive with light and bright color comes back to it. He says He's got it covered and will fix what needs to be fixed. revived and ready the girl flys out after her enemy. yelling out 'i know Who's i am, i know what is mine, here i come with the true power and authority. back off!!!' last frame is God, Himself standing with His arms in the air 'ahh, My Priceless Daughter.! I'm with you always. go get 'em!'

if you click on the picture it will enlarge so you can see detail.

this really hits with my heart and i believe the powerful story is when we know where we stand with our Creator, we begin to understand how the battle is already won and it is fantastic to wield such power over the one that hates us and hates God.

....

Check This Link Out

http://blog.calebgo.com/2008/07/dog-sense.html

What Is Friendship?

i am puzzled by this question. when i was younger (high school) it was so easy. friends - we just talked. homework, jobs, interests (were there any then?), cruised main street, anything and everything, problems with other friends. i can't even remember most of that.
after hs i never really let my guard down and got close to anyone. i have never felt 'safe' with anyone. i don't know how to be a friend. i feel that i have forgotten what it is to connect with people, and when there is a connection it gets awkward quickly. a skill i was once so very good with has disappeared.
how do i awaken this sleeping talent? how do i find another that i can be open and honest with out feeling exposed? (and why do i feel it would be exposure? i think there are such neat things about myself and others are fascinating too so why is it that i feel there is such a dark thing in me? don't we all suffer from some thing we believe is not the best quality to have? doesn't that actually make us human and - dare i say - normal?) and there is this desperate cry to be vulnerable with others, i don't want the possible pain it can - most likely will - cause, why does it have to be so difficult?
i remember hanging out at people's homes. chatting about anything and everything, laughing A LOT.... where did it all go?
so what do you do for fun? how do you make friends when you move to a new place? when a new person come in the picture do you make room for them?
this world can be such a lonely place, why go through it by yourself when there are so many others looking for a connection with you? it is our design, we were made for relationships with others. crafted to fit into people's lives, needing acceptance and love... so what is my part to play in this?
kathy, i am sorry i have not been a good friend. and so many others i have lost contact with.. lets try again.

Some Things To Think About

almost the weekend - how cool. tho every time i mention weekend i remind myself that i don't have a normal one. actually i am being offered jobs and extensions to my job. i am not sure why i am being asked 'you were the one that came to mind' doesn't quite cut it fully.
i really like my job. i enjoy the people i am interacting with. it does seem to be a great schedule and matches what rob works fairly well. i sure like having fridays off, really don't like working sat mornings but that is what this is right now. i love working under lorena, i have great interaction with the students, i am given a lot of responsibilities and they keep growing (meaning that for them to train another person would be such a headache.), i don't want full time, neither do i want to be working an opposite schedule from my husband. i have no details on the other jobs, but what is the deal?? this seems to be a perfect job for me. not much creativity (but neither is the other offer or the extension to what i do now.) in this one, hard to hang with friends - what ever those are, can't take classes here/pursue education in evening (but days would still be available).
lots to think about i am sure. nothing may come of any of the offers - they seem to be brain storming from the folks talking to me about the positions.

Recap

thursday!! wow that was forever ago - and that was my last post. alright today is monday. friday we... well i think we went to the movies around 12. while heading home my shifter broke. don't ask me what broke, i just know the shifter was loose and moving around in my hands. so we swapped at the stop light and rob drove home in fourth gear. we hit every stop light and all the people in front of us had to turn. it was amazing how he got us home. that afternoon was spent fixing that. instead of a $400 part he spent $.64 and fixed the problem. amazing man. not sure how the rest of the day was spent. i missed going to a wedding - thanks to the car problem.
saturday i worked and then went grocery shopping. then we went to church and out to eat afterwards. then over to someone's home to play a game. was a great evening spent with people we did not know and we both had a blast!! went home and i went to bed, rob followed shortly after.
sunday we slept in. piddled around the house. rob helped me put together a fruit mix to dehydrate. should be finished tonight actually. i mixed some hamburger meat and he grilled. after supper he removed four stumps from our flower bed. i watched, and was beautiful doing it. and here i am going to insert - wow, guys are amazing. God did a beautiful job putting them together and it was fantastic seeing how rob did so many things this weekend. he also arranged my washer and dryer with an organizer in between them, maybe i will get a pict up and show it. i am so glad to have it done. he then was up on the computer, until 6.45 a.m. finally came to bed and his alarm went off around 8. he pushes snooze for a few hours and gets up around 10 most days.
the snooze thing drives me nuts. one of these days i hope to 'help' him out of bed, but then i would have to wake up enough to perform that, therefore negating the reason for me 'helping' him - so i could sleep.... will be interesting to see how this continues to unfold. i really don't feel like being a jerk and yet would like to sleep because i can. anyway, i am not going to convince anyone of anything this way.
and now today is monday. i felt a little drugged most of the day but i managed to get laundry done. (some is hanging around the house because i refuse to use the dryer for hour upon hour... just maddening how expensive that gets and how often i have to re-dry things anyway..) i also got all the laundry from last week put away finally (i think it was breeding.). i sprinkled the carpet with freshener and hope to vacuum tomorrow, along with mopping and possibly dusting or bathrooms too. would like to trim some of the bushes outside and clean more in the flower beds. the grass and weeds take no time to reproduce and get huge. (well bigger than i want them to be..) so already i have too much on my plate for tomorrow but hopefully i will get some things accomplished. it just seems to take so much effort to get things done sometimes (oh and i cleaned out the dishwasher, then filled it and cleaned it out again, filling it once more. when i cook i use a lot of dishes..

Pictures of The Girls Playing

here are a few pictures of the girls from when i went home in june to help my aunt clean up her garage. my cousin was there with her daughter and grandchildren. great to see everyone.

Aubrey showing off her creation - great isn't it
Staci shows her beautiful array of delectable treats
k maybe she is not so sure they are delectable
washing eric's jag - such helpers

I Have Dyson

yipee!!! the dyson arrived this a.m. around 10.30. rob promptly took it out of the box and handed it to me.
what!!! it was kind of like a child with a christmas gift ripping open the present and handing it to the parent to put together. all the fun of ripping the gift open was gone. i hope he enjoyed it!!! (of course i was jumping up and down like a rabbit so it would have been hard for me to open the box anyway. but i did want to twirl around the room with the unopened box for a few seconds.)
it is great!! i have vacuumed for a full hour and the house looks almost steam cleaned. great tracks in the carpet :). i even vacuumed the spider webs i had been saving for such an occasion :)
i am the owner - that is me :)side view with attachments on floor. kaci my guard dog watches to see that none of the pieces walk off.
here it is put together discarded box

No Street Number!!??

today was to be the most exciting day of the week. rob okayed buying a dyson vacuum and today was the arrival date. i sat on the couch watching a mrs. marple mystery waiting for the best gift of the week to arrive. i watched the ups vehicle drive by my house and turn the corner. a few minutes it was back, sitting right out side the house. i was occupied with getting the dog to lay down when it drove away about five minutes after it pulled up. i looked around trying to see if the driver was a secret ninja and had placed the package on my front door without me seeing them. it was not there. i looked across the street to see if it was left on a door step there. nothing. i came inside, through the magic of tracking numbers, got online to check the delivery status. this is what i found:

07/15/2008

11:33 A.M.

A CORRECT STREET NUMBER IS NEEDED FOR DELIVERY. UPS IS ATTEMPTING TO OBTAIN THIS INFORMATION

what!!? i don't have a correct street number... what does that mean??
so i called ups and had a great conversation filled with laughter. and was told it would be sent tomorrow. (TOMORROW! i have to wait. what about dropping back by, i will wait in the street with my cell phone on, i could even come to the facility.) so i told her that would be alright and i looked forward to getting it the next day.
this is what i found on the site after the conversation:

			07/15/2008 2:18 P.M. A DELIVERY CHANGE REQUEST FOR THIS PACKAGE WILL BE PROCESSED / THE PACKAGE IS BEING HELD FOR FUTURE DELIVERY. UPS WILL ATTEMPT DELIVERY ON THE DATE REQUESTED 07/15/2008 2:30 P.M. THE PACKAGE IS BEING HELD FOR FUTURE DELIVERY. UPS WILL ATTEMPT DELIVERY ON THE DATE REQUESTED / UPS WAS UNABLE TO CONTACT THE RECEIVER 07/15/2008 6:26 P.M. A CORRECT STREET NUMBER IS NEEDED FOR DELIVERY. UPS IS ATTEMPTING TO OBTAIN THIS INFORMATION / THE ADDRESS HAS BEEN CORRECTED. THE DELIVERY HAS BEEN RESCHEDULED so here i am quite disappointed and ready for a new vacuum. ... ahh well. the rest of my day has been wonderful, so i shall sleep well tonight. bye

Free To Be Popular Sanguine

i discovered this personality test. here it is to print off and take.
when i first took the test i found that i was operating in opposite personality traits. freaked me out - how can you be opposites?
once i found out the correct one it made me feel free. i now have an identity. crazy how that made me feel...

now i have an 'excuse' for not being disciplined and forgetting to keep up with my blog... hehehe i also know why i feel dead without friends and people to interact with. where there is no fun i find myself falling apart. would appear my life needs constant fun and change... who would have thought.

anyway - here is what the popular sanguine is: animated, playful, sociable, convincing, refreshing, spirited, promoter, spontaneous, optimistic, funny, delightful, cheerful, inspiring, demonstrative, mixes easily, talker, lively, cute, popular, bouncy, brassy, undisciplined, repetitious, forgetful, interrupts, unpredictable, haphazard, permissive, angered easily, naive, wants credit, talkative, disorganized, inconsistent, messy, show-off, loud, scatterbrained, restless, changeable.

sooo when i found out these parts were in my personality it was truly a feeling of freedom. i act the way i do and it is normal. not saying it is okay to act that way, for example to interrupt or be undisciplined - but for me it was normal. when i know the tendencies i have then it helps me guard against negative behaviours - and at the very least know why i am acting the way i do. wow - feels great. knowing the truth.... and feeling free.

something i keep finding the more time i spend with family, is that i desperately need to be around those that love me (who doesn't huh?) and accept me.

God wants me to get even that from Him, know why??? - 'cuz i keep finding myself in new places with no family or friends and each time that cuts deep. so if i get that love and acceptance from Him, the kind you have with your best girlfriend (guy friend if a guy), you can tell them everything. every dark feeling and thing you keep from others. they still like you and want to hang with you. God is that way, only He never gets to the point of throwing you away, there is nothing i can do to get Him to loose me. the more i seek His truth. who He made me to be and the intricacies of what He has done and is doing, the more i like myself. He thinks i am one of the coolest things He has ever done (and thinks that about you too...) He is amazing. so while there are good and bad things going on in me and around me, He is the constant, drawing me to His arms, even when i resist.


definitions of traits:
animated - full of life; lively use of hand, arm and face gestures
playful - full of fun and good humour
sociable - sees being with others as an opportunity to be cute and entertaining rather than as a challenge or business opportunity
convincing - can win others over to anything through the sheer charm of his/her personality
refreshing - renews and stimulates or makes others feel good
spirited - full of life and excitement
promoter - urges or compels others to go along, join or invest through the charm of his/her own personality
spontaneous - prefers all of life to be impulsive, unpremeditated activity, nor restricted by plans
optimistic - sunny disposition who convinces self and others that everything will turn out all right
funny - sparkling sense of humour that can make virtually any story into a hilarious event
delightful - is upbeat and fun to be with
cheerful - consistently in good spirits and promoting happiness in others
inspiring - encourages others to work, join or be involved and makes the whole thing fun
demonstrative - openly expresses emotion, especially affection, and doesn't hesitate to touch others while speaking to them
mixes easily - loves a party and can't wait to meet everyone in the room, never meets a stranger
talker - constantly talking, telling funny stories and entertaining everyone around, feels need to fill silence in order to make others comfortable
lively - full of life, vigorous, energetic
cute - precious, adorable, center of attention
popular - life of the party, and therefore much desired as a party goer
bouncy - a bubbly, lively personality, full of energy
brassy - showy, flashy, comes on strong, too loud
undisciplined - lack of order permeates most every area of his/her life
repetitious - retells stories and incidents to entertain without realizing he/she has already told the story several times before, constantly needs to have something to say
forgetful - lack of memory, which is usually tied to a lack of discipline, and not bothering to mentally record things that aren't fun
interrupts - is more of a talker than a listener, starts speaking without even realizing someone else is already speaking
unpredictable - may be ecstatic one moment and down the next, or willing to help but then disappears, or promises to come but forgets to show up
haphazard - has no consistent way of doing things
permissive - allows others (including children) to do as they please in order to keep from being disliked
angered easily - has a childlike flash-in-the-pan temper that expresses itself in tantrum style, which is over and forgotten almost instantly
naive - simple and child-like perspective, lacking sophistication or comprehension of what the deeper levels of life are really about
wants credit - thrives on the credit or approval of others. as an entertainer, ths person feeds on the applause, laughter and/or acceptance of an audience
talkative - an entertaining, compulsive talker who finds it difficult to listen
disorganized - lack of ability to ever get life in order
inconsistent - erratic, contradictory, with actions and emotions not based on logic
messy - lives in a state of disorder, unable to find things
show-off - needs to be the center of attention, wants to be watched
loud - has a laugh or voice that can be heard above others in the room
scatterbrained - lacks the power of concentration or attention, flighty
restless - likes constant new activity because it isn't fun to do the same things all the time
changeable - a childlike, short attention span that needs a lot of change and variety to keep from getting bored

4th Of July

wow - you would think i have been kidnapped due to the lack of entries. i was not - just so you know.
july 4th weekend we went to see my cousin's family. mom came out, and another aunt and cousin joined the fun. it was great to see them and there were hours of laughing and just hanging. i also went out praire dog hunting - had some great shots but alas, was unable to get anything. there were several casualties and we are sure some wounds led to death. the guys tried to console me with each hit - how horrible the praire dogs were and the damage they were doing. didn't help.
i now know it is just child-hood fantisies that hold magic about the fireworks i used to love. they now suck. no more great 'tanks', 'chickens', ets. and where have the magic lanterns gone?? i was so disapointed by the level of sparkle in today's home fireworks. just a lot of big booms, not my favorite. and the sparklers - well i just won't go there. but it was great watching the kids play, the crying was not so fun but alas can't have everything.
it was so good to spend time with those that simply love me. and that i simply love. made coming home pretty difficult. yet God is my provider and sees to it that i have what i need as i ask Him.
work is getting full of responsibility and we are all trying to keep a sense of humor and laugh out loud a lot - keeps it a happy place. where there is not humor is a kind of death.. hmmm ponder that for a bit, but not too long.
love to you all
how was your weekend??
http://www.maylin.net/Fireworks.html try my fireworks and enjoy

Refreshing

this past weekend i went to see family in kansas. what a windswept trip. the drive took 8 hours to get there and 8 back. however, it was worth every bit. i got to see my aunt marsha, cousin kari and two of her children - colby and stacey (i hope i spelled her name correctly..). also got to meet her two grandchildren aubrey and riley (spelling is incorrect i am sure on those...). also my cousin eric was there. rob went too.
there was a lot of hard work done and i am so glad rob was there. he cleared out the jungle in the back yard - discovered sumac in the jungle and just hacked it out until you could see the wood fence. looked great. colby helped out back there and the next day he and eric took it all to the dump, load after load after load...
kari, marsha, and i worked on the garage and the basement. we went through boxes and separated into toss (more loads to the dump), garage sell, and keep. marsha was such a trooper - it is hard to let things go. there were items from so many loved ones and to let those go was very emotional along with the physical work. she did wonderful and there was a lot she got rid of.
i got to hang out with the little ones and it was wonderful. God allowed me to full fill a little piece of what He has put within me. stacey wanted to hang with rob and then aubrey got involved too. they all had a bit of fun together while us girls cleaned in the basement.
i am still real tired but riding high on being with my family. it truly was like going home for me. that place where you are loved and known. it was hard to come back to ba, each mile tore at me. work was like putting on comfortable shoes - sure nice to see the folks i am getting to know. rob was great sunday evening, and it helped me come back here to our home.
well i have to run so until next time..

Yes He Got Neutered..

alright this month of june has just not been consistent for my blog posts. seems days fly by and i am simply not interested in staying up late to enter how things are going.
all in all fine. i have an early dr apt tomorrow morning. yeah - should be a blast. no eating because i have labs to get. new dr, new place, i am a bit daunted i guess.
work is progressing very well. lorena is back from her vacation - she had a wonderful time. i am glad she is back. i missed her, and am glad she had the time off.
dude is doing well - he got neutered last friday. seems to be handling it all well.
kaci has yeast infection in her ears so she is on meds and i am sure loving it.
bernice - nothing to complain about.
that is that for now.
night all

Havin Some Fun

it is thursday. seems the week has flown by again. mon and tue went by kind of like a snail. wed i got my hair styled

here i am with make-up done. yes it is short and i do not have picts of the back yet.




i think i liked this one too.



decorated an office for bday today. had a great time.

here her chairs are tied together with green crepe paper

the sign on her desk with crepe paper all over it


stars and 'disco' ball hanging from ceiling with crepe paper all over


we have such a blast together at work :) i really do enjoy the atmosphere i work in.

also got to go to phantom of the opera FREE this afternoon. (i have that on my calendar and all the dates and times each day, i really wanted to go. God is so good to me.) that was great!! then came to work and was fed and have been laughing practically the entire evening. such refreshing time.
tomorrow i take the dude into the vet for his SURGERY. and kaci to get her ears checked. have to be there around 7a.m. YIKES that is early....
that is it for now. enjoy the picts.

Ouch That Hurts

today i was looking at some pictures on a friend's website. (great picts by the way - and i just won a free photo shoot from them YIPEE - i had secretly told God it would be great to have picts done with lyricsphotography.)
all of a sudden i was hit by the realization that i would be 7 months pregnant if i had not miscarried in january. yep, that hurt a bit. and i realize on the other side that God is so good and will grant that desire. that the more i draw to Him the more i realize it is a God given hope that is in me to be a mother, and it will be sooner than i think. He is great at giving me what i want in the appropriate time. i so look forward to His great gift.

Dude Lazying Around

i also got some great picts of dude sleeping on the scratching post.

i am sure if i cover my eyes she will go away....





no really go away, i want to sleep....








ok so not really


this counting sheep stuff is not really working well.