This Is What I Get

so all the craziness has gotten over - well except for the rather large hole developing at the top of my incision site.  i am going to the dr tomorrow about that actually, hoping to get a beautiful butterfly for that.  i keep being told it is normal, only the part i don't believe is normal is the continued enlargement of the hole...

so scot got me this beautiful "guarantee" ring.  he stated that it was a guarantee for the following reason (please see reason in below paragraph...):

"My life has been crazy for a long time without you Rebecca. For the first time I feel I know where I am going and feel complete. A promise ring means nothing to me due to the fact promises can be broken. As sad as that is in life it is true. That's why this ring is not a promise of my love but a guarantee! But to add to this statement is something else I have learned since you have came into my live,..... 'When we seek for connection, we restore the world to wholeness. Our seemingly separate lives become meaningful as we discover how truly necessary we are to each other'. I hope this makes up for not being able to be the man u have always needed, but to show you I can learn to be the best man I can next to you! I love you and always will till life does not exist on the lil planet we live on."

yeah.  he wrote that for me... amazing huh?  i actually did not know he could express himself so wonderfully.  i was quite overwhelmed after reading it.  im still not certain my feeble "thank you, scot" could ever come close to the wonder and love i felt coming from myself and the love i knew was coming from him in his declaration.  i am so blessed.

i asked charity to be my maid of honor tonight.  

no we are not officially engaged yet.  and i may be jumping the gun on getting details in place, but there is only a year for planning and so much that needs to happen in that tine also.  so never hurts getting some details down.  hopefully having details taken care of early will allow us a normal life not consumed with wedding details.  and yes, he will ask - still doesn't mean i need to stop planning....

good night. :)

and God, thank You.  thank You for keeping me through this entire process.  the journey has been scary, and i have questioned each step.  You came through.  and You gave me a wonderful man.  help me cherish him as You do.  

Scariness I Had Not Predicted

so i finally went to the dr about the way my breast was looking.  turns out i had a major reaction to the adhesive spray used to close the incision and attach steri-strips.  i blistered up terribly and got a heck of an infection.  now i am needing to heal that all up along with everything else.  it has been more traumatic than i expected of course.

this scariness is surprising to me.  i thought it would be a pretty simple procedure with extra healing time because, well i always take more time to heal.  having something horrible looking and weeping so is gross to me and i am a little scared will leave a less than terrific looking scar.  the incision is gaping and had fluid weeping out.  i don't really want to detail it too much, so suffice it  said that the wounds are scaring me and causing me to second guess how i will look after all has healed.  the situation relies on my vanity, i realize, but i am realistic enough to know it effects how i see myself and therefor how i will carry myself.  i had just begun to feel like, at the size i currently am, i am still beautiful.  here again i must trust God to care for all these feelings.

scot tells me it does not affect the way he feels about me, and i know that is true.  it will just affect the way i feel beautiful to him and respond to his interest.  if i don't care for this it may become a 'reason' i feel he does not want to view my body once we are married, or keep me from wanting  him to see my body.  it is a future situation that causes worry now and therefore can be cared for now and healed before it is a true issue.

well that is it for scariness. 

Feeling Peace

i am sitting here, very late at night (possibly early morning even), watching pride and prejudice in the common room, listening to scot softly snoring in his room, and feeling quite content with the whole situation.  i find comfort in having him around and will miss him greatly when he must go home.  

i so enjoy his company and they way we interact, though we are still getting used to one another's behaviors.  how interesting it is to have an easy way about one another.  i find myself having to deal with little irritations and taking into account how life will be with one another.  this time has felt so very real, though i know it does not compare to how our marriage will be.  

he put in an application with a company this morning and feels very confident about the position available at the company.  i asked him his thoughts and dug a little deeper into what he believed God wanted for him.  scot said he has been talking to God about what actions need to be taken next, with job in mind, and that this company keeps popping up in tv advertisements, radio ads, and driving by one of the plants the other day made him want to jump out of the window to go check the place out.  i asked him if he believed God truly wants the best for him and for us.  scot agreed and i am confident God will provide exactly what is needed.  

i sat tonight and felt simply at peace.  this is good.  there will be other questions and concerns, i seem to always wonder about every detail but find that i am never left out in the cold, that the One who loves me greatest takes care of every need.  scot is a wonderful man.  he will be a fantastic father, already is.  i am truly blessed to know a man such as he.  i long for the marriage, knowing that each step from this moment on is needed and important, and that the time will fly once i look back from the marital side.  

part of me aches to be married.  to live the life i have desired and was denied in my first marriage.  the other part realizes that i must live in the here and now without rushing to another place.  it is vital to continue growing and developing who i am personally and other relationships.  there is truly much to be done in this time between now and marriage.  

the surgery went well.  i have not heard anything about what the lump was found to be, should be an interesting bit of information to find out.  the lower part of my breast is quite pink and i have found that something odd is creeping up the inside, toward the sternum.  tomorrow i will be calling the dr office to see about moving my post op appt up, hoping for tomorrow, to check on what is going on.  i plan on calling and explaining what is going on to see if i need to go in or if it is a normal swelling of tissue.  there is most likely nothing wrong, but i have no idea what is normal from abnormal.  i have chosen to not return to work as the medicine i am taking for pain renders me not as functional as needed to be in the office.  i am not certain whether i would be able to complete an entire day's work either, i may need to do a 1/2 day to see how it goes.  

i have class wednesday night yet have not started.  my sleeping is erratic and i find my good moments do not last long enough to start anything, not really.  i need to contact my new group partner to make certain i am on the same page as he and getting my part completed.  

well that is it for the now.

Tuesday

and a bright, cool, good-morning to all.  please pause with the words "bright" and "cool"...  

last night was an early night.  well i say early because i was in bed around 8pm, though i did not actually fall asleep till after 10.30.  just too tired to stay up i guess.  as i was falling asleep i had a phone call from my instructor about homework this wednesday.  and as i was settling in for the second time my room-mate's son came in with his girlfriend to pack up some groceries and more clothes in order to have real food to eat at her house.  i panicked and went downstairs to write scot's name on the food i purchased for him.  turns out i over-reacted as her son was grabbing all the snack food he had brought from his dad's house, o and half the gallon of milk...  don't get me wrong - i REALLY like my roomie's son, and i know i have food issues, but it drives me nuts to have him not living there only to come home and grab food or stay one night when he is fighting with his girlfriend.  it has nothing to do with me and i really need to ignore it.  so back to the original thought for this paragraph, i finally got to sleep around 10.30 or a little after.

and heck yeah!!, i am awake and refreshed.  i'm even eating fruit for breakfast - thank you mama for the fruit basket.  i hope this refreshed feeling will hang on, and i am contributing it to sleeping all day sunday.  it was so good to do that.  i suggest it to anyone that is desiring a fresh feeling, i mean of course awake feeling - a fresh feeling happens after one showers and is clean ;)

so tomorrow scot arrives.  i get off work around 1 and plan on heading straight to the airport to pick him up.  his flight arrives around 1.55.  i am so excited - may be part of why i did not sleep as early as i thought i would last night.  

as i mentioned earlier, i purchased food for scot to eat while here.  it was way too stressful, and i found myself irritated with him telling me to just buy whatever i thought he should eat.  that is dangerous cuz i would cut out mt. dew, ham, bacon, any processed food and drink - so he would hate what i purchase.  he kept saying this would make a good test for us.  i have enough testing with my school work, i don't want relationship tests...  (crap, conscience hits cuz i have been testing him this entire relationship.) i guess that is what ppl do to one another, they test...  dang we are so unfair to one another.  and this thinking will lead me to deeper thoughts, wonder if i want to go there...

sure why not.  

why do i need to test and is it okay?  i am going to say testing is needed but the motivation needs to be correct.  if i am testing to see if scot will fail me, that is a given.  people fail one another.  if i am testing to know if he is a good match that would be a good reason, it is better to know before committing in marriage.   there will be many areas needing clarification.

i laid in bed last night feeling annoyed with him.  i wonder if it is because of the food thing and that i am feeling stress at him being here and mom wanting to be here and feeling bad that it is working out this way and being tested about the food stuff and surgery and getting homework finished and all the things going on at work with my fellow workers having jobs threatened and Jesus, stop the madness. You are more than capable to take care of all these people and me too.  each situation can be wonderful if i will leave it in Your hands and just trust You.  i had a surprising awareness last night that i have not laid in Your arms in a long, very long time.  i don't even know if i made it there before i fell into sleep.  You are peace and strength, You provide what i need when i need it and right now, right here i want to thank You for caring.  

Birthday and Other Material

i am certain there is a lot to say in this post, but i can't remember most of it.  

this past friday was my birthday - and blogger was down so i was not able to "oooo" and "ahhhhh" about what i hoped to do (stupid blogger).  

 

i took off early for a dr appointment (yay, just the way to spend a birthday...) for surgery this thursday.  it was actually a good appointment, i enjoyed the intake nurses and people i interacted with.  the appointment lasted a good 2 hours, probably much shorter if i had not been talking and operating with an attitude of "having coffee with a friend".  she told me a few scary things about the surgery that i did not expect, so now i am a bit nervous.  what if i don't wake up?  what if i slip into a coma (ok that last thought is not really what i think)?  

friday i went to a sushi place with a girlfriend.  it was fantastic!  then we went and picked up another two gals and headed out to go dancing.  that was fun but i only lasted a couple of hours...  i was pretty tired.  hate the idea i don't want to go all night ;)

saturday i celebrated the entire day.  my girl friend and i went to have massages - hot stone massage actually, which was wonderful!!  i then went home and crashed for a bit, for quite a bit.  later we all got ready (well the other gal in the house... and one that joined later) and went for mexican food with a group.  had a wonderful time, got sang to, ate red velvet cake.  we were supposed to go dancing after that but i totally wussed out.  it was sad and i felt horrible for 'ruining' everyone's fun.  until the others said they were all contemplating leaving early as they were tired too.  so i did not feel too bad.  i went home and went to bed.

sunday i slept the entire day off and on.  mostly on.  i think i forced myself up around 4 so i could work on my homework that is due this wednesday.  i actually went to work so i could stay focused.  spend a couple hours there working on my paper and now i need to concentrate on getting it finished up.  

scot will be here wednesday afternoon.  i am so very excited to get him here.  i need to grab groceries and get a few more things at the house done - basically get gilbert's cage cleaned out.  i am glad he is coming.  this is a heck of an opportunity to see how we will handle, well whatever this is.  i am so ready for him to be here permanently. 

that is it for now.

i am counting the days apparently.  it would appear that time is going to move very slowly.  i am creeping to friday.  and i see that it may be forever till then.  all the same statement in different wording, so creative am i.  

 

tonight is class.  i am not really prepared but have no energy to honestly care.  i will feel fortunate to make it home, change, and back here until 10 pm...

 

that is it for now.

Still Nothing

i still have not been contacted by the surgery scheduling center.  i know it has only been two days but i want to get this on paper and know it is forthcoming - well what time frame it is forthcoming anyway.  i guess referrals have to happen and schedules checked but i would sure like to know what is going on with this.  i want to be in the know and able to plan way in advance.  

the past two mornings have been brutal.  i am quite tired today.  i went to bed after charity got home last night around 1 - well i went to be around 1 she was home around 11.45...  or earlier.  

i feel foggy and not quite together.  that is causing me to not really care.  not care if i look that great - hair combed etc... you know (maybe you know...), not care whether i am directly on time (well actually i care a great deal and feel a bit panicked over 2 min late even when my car clock is ahead of the work clock...) but can't seem to get here on time, and am a zombie when i do arrive - not the flesh eating kind but the dead at my desk kind...

i just want this to be done.  again i look forward to scot being here, and i want that time to last forever.  i just want the surgery part to get done and get beyond it. 

Quickie

so i am supposed to have surgery scheduled to remove this lump on the 19th but i have not heard anything from the schedulers.  i am a little nervous because i have purchased a ticket for scot to come take care of me during that time and asked for the days off from work.  the work time is easier to adjust than the plane ticket.  i am hoping that i won't miss getting a time slot for the surgery.  lets just get this done.

also the masked ball was a joke this sat.  i got all dressed up and ready to go only to sit at my friend's home for three hours waiting on her to finish her other friend's costume.  we finally were ready at 9 and headed out where we did not get to the fair until 9.30 and the ball ended at 10...  so $20 for 20 min - not a good deal.  i did not even get to dance.  also i knew to go by myself (though that actually would not have been fun at all nor would it have been safe i presume..).  so i am going to go by myself during the day to see the festivities.  

that is all i have for now.

i found out yesterday that the dr wants to remove the lump in my breast.  i felt total calm and peace when she mentioned it, i guess i kinda expected it and was surprised that we were just going to wait for it to shrink.  today i am a bit troubled by the information but mainly because any form of surgery is complicated by other illnesses.  seeing how i deal with diabetes and hypothyroid issues it should be a blast. 

i am guessing i will not have an issue getting the time off, my problem lays in the delayed reaction i have to anything 'traumatic' happening to my body...  when i got my wisdom teeth removed it took about a week to develop any issues and i got dry socket so it was a heck of a development, along with a lot of pain.  with my toe nail being removed it took a week before i experienced any pain.  the biopsy - pain and discomfort a week after the procedure and i am still bruised.  so even though i have taken off three days to 'recover' i may not need the time until the next week.  

scot will come and take care of the invalid.  it will be nice to have him around.  i really do miss him.  he will finally get to meet charity and we will be lazy bums at my place instead of his lol...

i honestly wondered when the result came back that the lump was benign, why we would not just remove the lump.  too hard, too irregular, not like any other lumps i could feel.  (yay for being lumpy...)  i feel good about getting it removed and only nervous if there are more of these lumps in my future will removal  change my body shape?  now that, the change of my shape and possible effect of losing enough tissue to feel that i am not the woman i have become familiar with - this is an honest struggle and no one can say it is not that has not gone through this process.  i know my body does not say who i am inside, but it sure does have a major impact...   i am scared of that part.  people notice the body first.  i see my body first thing in the morning and even time will not change the difference i see from this day forward.  thank You God for today's technology in finding these lumps and bumps with less invasive techniques to remove issues. 

i think i could actually go home and pass out for the next couple days.  that will be impossible however because 'sucker punch' has made it to the $1 movies along with 'i am four' and i want to see them both, at the same time... also i have a dance recital and masked ball to attend. 

Help

Aching loneliness
Longing desperation
A need to be filled

Splashing tears
Frozen skin
Sinking down

I have cried so many times
Sat alone numbing to the pain
Ran to another addiction

Can’t find rest
Broke down inside
Pouring out vulnerable

No more tears
All dried up
Emotion has left

I am done
At the end
Can’t find peace

Sleep
Sleep
Sleep

Find some restoration
I’m so incredibly tired
Lonely to the core

Traipsing into Emotion

wow today is hard.  i am pretty tired from class last nigh and then trying to get to sleep even though i did get to bed around 11pm.  i feel as though i should still be sleeping right now.  or that i could sleep for 100 years like sleeping beauty - wonder if i would keep my beauty... wonder if scot would wait for me or try to get to me... hmm maybe i AM still asleep with these thoughts running around in my head.

 

started a new class last night: organizational behavior.  i think i am going to enjoy it.  i like the instructor and know i will be challenged, hope i am ready to be challenged as i feel i have been able to slide by doing half-effort work.   

this weekend i am going to a dance recital my friend's daughter is performing in - she is four.  i am so excited and know i will be tearing up the entire time.  that whole i want a child thing is hitting me again, over and over and over.  

also hitting the masque ball at the renaissance fair.  i need to go find a mask however and don't know quite where to shop for one.  i very much like the dress i have chosen to wear.  my friend and her friend are going steam punk, though i don't know what that truly has to do with the renaissance...

 

and now i feel all emotional about the baby stuff.  and my cousin is having trouble recovering from her divorce. and i am tired (it all hits when i am tired...).  and i want scot's arms around me (which could not happen now anyway cuz i am at work and that would be awkward..).  Jesus, it all seem so tough right now.  help me!!

:)

good morning on this beautiful numb day.  the sun is shining beautifully outside and i believe it is even warm enough to enjoy sitting outside. 

i went to bed 'early' last night - around 10 i think, but just did not get the full spectrum of sleep i hoped for.  now i feel numb, like when you take a sleep aid too late at night and it leaves you feeling groggy the next morning.  that is me - groggy the next morning.  but i am listening to beautiful music and it gives me a sense of peace and happiness.  

so, i'm gonna hold this sense for the next few minutes.  just breathe in and breathe out.  :)

hope your day is great too.

Loneliness and Him

the ache of singleness hits strongly after my trips to see scot.  i feel that deep awareness in lacking his company, that says i am without him.  it is loneliness.  this conundrum is strange to me.  we do not necessarily 'complete' one another, nor do we do much together in the way of activities to bring completeness.  we do however, talk - which makes my heart pitter patter and brings a sense of connection to something deeper than just me and him, separate individuals.  the promised activities bring excitement and joy and a bit of nervousness also.  (like working on his truck... which did not happen and was a disappointment to us both.)  i so enjoy the mutual preparing for a bbq with him.  ahh but these are all rabbit trail thoughts.

the point of today's post was to explore loneliness in the depth of my soul.  in my head i realize the 'grass is always greener on the other side' and that 'being married can be the loneliest of loneliness'.  marriage is not the antidote for singleness as it has heartache and brokenness of its own.  Jesus is the only cure i have found for loneliness, and He still doesn't remove it from my life.. He just is there with me in it all, which is a comfort because i can say something without having to explain what i mean.  i mean He just gets what i am saying, understanding the place i come from with my words.  that doesn't come with any other relationship.  even my mother and brother, who grew up in the same house as i did, do not understand my point of view because it is uniquely my view.  strange how that plays out.  

so i guess i am answering any questions i wanted to bring up and delve into with this posting.  Jesus is the answer for any care and compassion i must have to survive this lonely existence as a human separated from wholeness as a response to the garden fiasco.  

then here is again my problem - which seems to come and go in circular motion: i don't want to go to Him for that.  i want a human to take all the loneliness away.    i realize in my head this is not possible, but still i long for that remedy.  or rather for that to be the remedy.  (is that one reason women/girls will have sex with someone?  hoping to have the loneliness taken away only to find it cannot possibly reach into the depth of need??)  there is not one time i have had a human be able to fill my need for deep companionship, the need is simply - too great.  i have had glimpses of humanity filling my desire for companionship, yet that moment of time is too short, or something else is said that steals a little of the care away.  and each time i have that need met a little (through great amounts of time spent with an individual in 'deeper' conversation that wears them out....) i find a compelling force driving me to get more, like an addiction, i'm unable to get enough.  that depth of research into a human soul can only come from God.  and i find myself more and more desperate for the knowledge of a human soul, mine, intertwined with the abilities of a Creator, Him.

i am reading another great book by donald miller titled the search for God knows what.  in the chapter i am reading about adam and eve donald brings up a great point.  adam was all alone in the garden with God.  he had every opportunity to speak with God and be full of wholeness, yet he was lonely still.  God gave him the assignment of  naming the animals, which must have taken around 100 years or more, according to mr. miller, just thinking about the sheer mass of fauna available.  so the point - adam was still lonely with God there.  God had put into adam the need for a companion.  none of the animals met the bill.  the only one that was like adam was eve, and yet God took serious time before He introduced her into the life of adam.  so what is the point of all this loneliness?  why have it when it cannot and will not be satisfied even in a perfect world?  adam lived in a perfect world - or so i thought - but still experienced loneliness, even with God right there, at all times, always available.

now more questions rise. 

in my job i see all kinds of paperwork with name changes and mismatched guardianship last names.  this longing for and hunger to belong and be loved is apparent to me each and every day.  women with several last name changes and now divorced, i can imagine the ache and longing for a safe place to be loved just as they are.  i have had enough conversations with divorced men through my interaction here that i know they too long for a place of safety with a companion that will love them and respect them.  our lives scream out for this need to be cared for.  God what the heck?!!  we are all seeking something that cannot be achieved in this life.  why create this intense need and desire that will forever be lacking?  that only a hint can be achieved on a good day with the best circumstances?!!  it is overpowering to me.  i don't understand this....!! this intense thing.. a desire for something that will never be or at least not here on this earth in this life time we are given.  God, i need no other reasons to hold anger toward You.  i cannot demand an answer for this question.  You are not at my beck and call to answer my demands.  You will speak with me as my friend, You never turn me away.  You always love, always care for me, always, always... always.

still i question why must we see so much pain and hurt?  why are there no real answers in our gravity bound lives?  why can't i find wholeness in another person but instead must find it in You when You created me with the need and desire for companionship of my fellow human beings?? and i wonder at whether the need will be filled by You since adam did not even get the fill while in a garden of perfection.  is this a sickness within You, or is there something i am completely missing through my tear stung eyes?  i cry for us all, everyone who has searched for a place of completed-ness.  each individual who has given everything hoping to find a place of safety and love but being thrown to the ground with their hope.  my heart aches and the pain is so great, Jesus how could You have born it all?!!!  i know i have not the weight You carried on that day You gave Your life, nor the depth of sorrow You experienced for those who did not know You.  what it must be like to have the knowledge of wanting relationship with those who do not want You.  i guess You are familiar with pain and hurt best and can know where i am in the grand scheme of it all.   

so, what about my questions?  is this one of those situations where answers will not suffice no matter?  can i even begin to understand the plan You have set into motion for humanity, relationships, companionship, wholeness?  i am such a child that i may think Your plan is not sufficient or thought out enough.  i am not capable of seeing the whole picture beginning to end.  i guess i, like everyone else, will simply have to trust.