I Love My Daddy

i remember four years ago my dad was talking to me about a "blog" he had just set up. he said it was sort of like an online diary. i wondered why on earth anyone would want to "blog" or why anyone would want to read another's entries. well lookie here.... i guess it caught on.

my dad was, well i had a lot of bad ideas about him. turns out the eyes of a little girl can be so completely wrong, or at least they can be focused on the wrong parts of people. the more i step out of the little girl eyes the more i see of him. he loved people with a huge heart. he was a pastor and wanted to have people connect. he was broken and wanted to be whole. he wanted others to be whole and wondered about his part in it all, wondering if he really could help others when he, himself, needed so much. he was a wonderful artist - still has paintings on display. he did sign work for businesses and made brochures. even had a small business out of our home at one time. he did wonderful web design and artistry. he cared for, and watched my grandmother - his mother - for the last part of her life. and it broke him more.

he was involved in the government of our little town, until he saw he was not able to make an impact there. he tried very hard to make an impact on people and in situations he was in.

he was a good dad. did everything he could to provide a wonderful place to live. he loved my mother deeply. i remember a situation that happened and mom got hurt, she had gotten dressed up to go with me somewhere and it got messed up. he stood right up and took her out to dinner. he took her out and made sure he showed her how much he loved her and she meant to him. he was a great man.

he wanted to spend time with us kids and did what he could to be involved in our every activity. work kept him a lot of the time, but he loved that we were involved in school stuff and things during the summer.

he was crushed when his little girl was diagnosed with diabetes. stopped his world. i have no idea how he and mom made it through all that time, all the questions and wondering what they had done wrong. dad took it personal that i was diabetic. it put such a strain on our time together. must have been hard to keep seeing his failure over and over. i loved my daddy. i hope he saw that. he was the coolest guy to me.

he managed to stand when my brother was diagnosed with kidney problems. he and mom gathered the church and saw sam delivered from all kinds of kidney problems. surgery went through and sam was better. amazing man able to continue trusting God when appearances seemed so heavy. good man.

dad had a wonderful voice too. he spoke on the radio. when he sang his singing voice would rumble in his chest and i could feel it vibrate. he wanted me to be the best i could be, he took disciplining me very seriously. he was a great dad.

i wish i could tell him how great i think he is, was. i am sorry that i never fully told him what was in my heart. until recently i never knew how to look at him. i didn't see that my Daddy, God, looks at all of us with compassion. He sees how we want to be and not how we are.

my dad wanted to be good, he wanted to be the best papa a girl ever had. he wanted to be a great son, wonderful husband, good friend, skilled artist/pastor/writer/vocal-radio personality/everything he could be. he had a good heart. he was a good man. and God saw.

God sees the best of us because He looks through Jesus. He sees that perfect sacrifice for our mess-ups and God sees us complete. i am just learning this. i want to be like this. i want to see the good and not focus on the stuff i see. God gave me eyes to see what i see and a voice that will talk of what i see to Him, ears to hear what He says in return. He gave me senses to use for His glory and i will use them for Him. i will see what He sees in people - the treasure, valuable. i will speak what He says about people - His great love for them, His desire for them to be free in Him. i will hear what He says about them and agree with it. what a beautiful place.

i love my Daddy. and papa i love you. i am sorry i was never able to tell you how much i loved you. you were the best i could have asked for.