I Like Me - When It Involves God

today (and i think parts of yesterday too) looked like it was going to be a rough day. there were good things happening, but i just felt so heavy. i went to God often, but felt such sadness and distress that i could barely speak to Him. so much heaviness. (and i was feeling a lot of condemnation and judgment.) i just could not seem to get a break.

i would worship Him, and He would bring scripture to mind of showing me how to deal with whatever was on my mind at the time. i would read His Word, and see amazing things about the kings and their leadership. yet it did nothing to change what seemed to be hanging over me. i spent time praying, it seemed i just wanted to cry out about the unfairness of my situation and how helpless i find things. (i know all this is a lie - there is no situation that i can not handle while leaning on the strength of the Holy Spirit, and God is my hope for full restoration in every part of my life - ALL PARTS!!!)

i know not to walk by sight, but by faith. that what i see has nothing to do with what God is doing in our hearts. sooooo tonight, when i spoke with mom about some things, it all began to break. just hearing her speak to me with her loving way. the way i know God wants me to hear Him. His loving me, when i am not perfect, heck just the fact that He loves me. knowing all i am, all i want to be, all that is in my heart, all that goes on in my mind, the motives - good, bad, ugly... - all of it. just love. that is what i heard from mom. and because i had been allowing myself to live under condemnation and judgment i could not hear the love of God. hmmmm sweet surrender, sweetness in all He does.

tonight, FINALLY!!!, able to express wonderful words with song. (i like to sing - a lot - and so i go around the house humming and singing whatever is in my heart.) and i could tell God was pleased, actually i knew, He was giving me words.

do you know that when He looks at you He sees perfection - His creation just as He meant it to be??? He says "hey come check out this beautiful woman/majestic man, aren't they something?" "I am so pleased at the work of My hands. i really like what they are." "they are pleasing to Me." what power in those words. what love, sets the captive and bound heart free. kinda sounds like a scripture somewhere -

Chapter 61

The work of Christ

1 The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; 2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; 3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

Isaiah 61:1-3 (King James Version)

Chapter 61

The work of Christ

1 The Spirit of the Lord Jehovah is on me, Because Jehovah did anoint me To proclaim tidings to the humble, He sent me to bind the broken of heart, To proclaim to captives liberty, And to bound ones an opening of bands. 2 To proclaim the year of the good pleasure of Jehovah, And the day of vengeance of our God, To comfort all mourners. 3 To appoint to mourners in Zion, To give to them beauty instead of ashes, The oil of joy instead of mourning, A covering of praise for a spirit of weakness, And He is calling to them, `Trees of righteousness, The planting of Jehovah--to be beautified.'

Isaiah 61:1-3 (Young's Literal Translation)

Chapter 61

The LORD Will Anoint His Servant With His Spirit

1 The Spirit of the Almighty Lord is with me because the Lord has anointed me to deliver good news to humble people. He has sent me to heal those who are brokenhearted, to announce that captives will be set free and prisoners will be released. 2 {He has sent me} to announce the year of the Lord's good will and the day of our God's vengeance, to comfort all those who grieve. 3 {He has sent me} to provide for all those who grieve in Zion, to give them crowns instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of {tears of} grief, and clothes of praise instead of a spirit of weakness.
They will be called Oaks of Righteousness, the Plantings of the Lord, so that he might display his glory.

Isaiah 61:1-3 (God's Word)

i can't help but put it as many times as i can. it is beautiful to read and amazing when it hits you and you know it is true. the three verses are great!! i am pointing to verse 1 - there is good news for the humble, healing for the brokenhearted, and freedom for the captives, comfort for those that grieve, etc etc etc. beautiful promises. and, He promises to exact justice.

there is something i am learning - i MUST offer mercy and let those i hold to account for whatever wrongs done to me, go. i can not hold people accountable for what they do against me. it puts me in a kind of bondage - trying to make them pay and point out their blame (they really don't want to hear it either...) - and it is not my job. if i hold onto that unforgivness then God can't work with them. so all in all it is just better to let it go. i will be healthier and better off in all ways. tough lesson to get down.... in truth i don't want others to pay. i want to give mercy, i like acting in love. even when it is hard.

and i know i have hit on that before - the forgiveness issue. again i am reminded of a scripture - 21 Then Peter came and said to him, Lord, what number of times may my brother do wrong against me, and I give him forgiveness? till seven times? 22 Jesus says to him, I say not to you, Till seven times; but, Till seventy times seven.

Matt 18:21-22 (Bible in Basic English)

this means that God/Jesus knew there was a chance that whoever was doing wrong against another might not get it changed the first time, second time, fiftieth time.... the point being - i don't have to get it perfected right now. habits take time to break and God is willing to take that time to get it broken. (also i have to forgive 70 x 7 too....., so i can't get away with holding to account anyone anyways.... arrrggghhh - but then i would be held accountable..... hmm going to quit thinking on it right now you get the pict right??)

why would i hold myself to a standard that demands i get it right immediately if Jesus did not demand it? (now that is not to say i just keep doing the wrong because people have to forgive me - the balance is to be truly intending to not repeat the wrong. when we are open to changing, God can help us and we will learn each time we have to go through the steps.... God is liberating and loving..) and the truth is I DON'T WANT TO HURT OTHERS OR DO WHAT IS WRONG. it is not the intent of my heart to be "bad". i want to bless others and love them, i want them to prosper - i am a child of God i want to act like He does...!!

so just in time God pulled me out of what appeared to be a tough couple of days. He doesn't let me stay there for very long. it is very good of Him. and He causes me to like who i am in Him - that beautiful (inside and out) daughter that reminds Him of Himself ;).