today's women's study was again the Lisa Bevere "Fight Like A Girl". topic - God is asking "Who's the Man?". the answer, Jesus. He is the only truly qualified, the only one to ever love us completely, the only one we can totally trust. God is described as a man, but He is not a man - Numbers 23:19 states that "God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind." God is so much more than a man or woman (for those who think He is a woman....) He is whole and complete, and so much more than us. His ways are not our, His thoughts are not ours, they are better. God is the only truth He cannot lie. what He says He will do He does. to become like Him we must spend time with Him. you know you become like those you are around. and if we want to have a satisfied life then we must spend time with God. seeing ourself through His eyes. claiming we are what He says we are.
Proverbs 29:25 "the fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." Psalms 56: 11 "in God i trust, i will not be afraid. what can man do to me?" when we trust Him to be our provision, defender, healer, restoration, life..... then what can anyone really do to us? it may not be pleasant, but what can they truly do? Psalms 118:8 "it is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." you can trust people, just don't trust IN them. there is no way they can meet your needs. and in this we can love fearlessly because God is our source of life. i can trust God and love my husband regardless if i have had fear of abandonment (YEP sure have lived with that torment....) great series.
and tonight was a great night. i kept my boss late chatting with her. she is such an encourager and knows the word of God. it is great to be reminded of how God looks at me. He is not an accuser or destroyer. He lovingly pulls me up short and tells me there are things needing to change for my good. that attitudes need to be given over so i can experience peace and prosperity. it is wonderful to work in a christian atmosphere. still human nature going on, but we know where our source is.
life is still rolling along. i am experiencing healing in my heart over the miscarriage and know that God will provide what i can not imagine. He is showing me how to let go of the past and not hold my husband accountable for perceived (and very real) wrongs done (who has not done wrong to their loved ones?????) and telling me to forgive myself for the mistakes - He says "quit bringing them up, i forgave them. you are the only one remembering them..." He is taking me through the actual process of healing. there have been some pretty scary moments and hard things to walk through, but God is faithful. He says i am blessed, my marriage is blessed, my husband is blessed. so i am excited to see how it will all go down.
please keep us in prayer when we are brought to your mind. simply ask God how to pray, He knows best.
love to you all
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Energized
i really like the contrasting colors. black on bottom and a bit on top. blonde throughout (alright so i have blonde in my hair, something i said i would NEVER do...) and then the red throughout. look closely so you can see it all....
not even sure why i am posting this pict. not very flattering... but i sure like the cut and color.today was a fine day. working on laundry most of the day. still doing it after work, but it will be nice to have fresh sheets and nothing in the basket - for at least an hour or two...
i got my hair cut and colored today. actually done in my home, and it was a great experience. i have included pictures of it. i of course think i look horrible - face but not the hair... - but love the cut and color. very cool. and it seemed to go over well at work. at least no one had to sit me down and tell me that i needed to change it back. (don't know if i could get the color out anyway..) i sure like it. liz did a great job. not sure what bob will say - yet...
work went well. very quickly actually. tho i had about 1/2 hour toward the end to spend doing what i wanted. soooo nice - i filed and checked the rooms. lovely evening.
well i think i am going to go and read for a bit. bob is not home yet so i will enjoy a bit of quiet - tho he really doesn't say much.... lol. so i am not in any way saying it gets noisy or anything after he gets home...
love to you all,
night.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Great Sleeping Day
today was a great sleeping day. i took back some movies that we rented friday and then came home and made pancakes with bacon. then read my book a bit and finally we went to a movie tonight.
nice sleepy day. now bob is challenging me with old music - seeing if i recognize the melodies. i sure remember the rock songs, but not much of the other types. he has an amazing ability to remember things.
i am looking forward to tomorrow. i sure enjoy my job and i am wanting to finish the task i was working on yesterday - yes i guess it was yesterday. weird to have friday off, work sat, and have sunday off. think i like it that way tho....
well i will say good night to you and hope all is well.
nice sleepy day. now bob is challenging me with old music - seeing if i recognize the melodies. i sure remember the rock songs, but not much of the other types. he has an amazing ability to remember things.
i am looking forward to tomorrow. i sure enjoy my job and i am wanting to finish the task i was working on yesterday - yes i guess it was yesterday. weird to have friday off, work sat, and have sunday off. think i like it that way tho....
well i will say good night to you and hope all is well.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Time, What Time?
wow - again time is flying by. i went to work (early i might add...) - it went by way to fast and i was unable to finish the task i had to perform (lucky for me i can finish it up on monday.) then i went to drop a cd off for a student - got lost going there and coming back.... groceries, fill tires up with air and get gas, come home. laundry (the cat could not wait for me to clean out the cat box, he had to go on the rug.... punk..), gather trash, something about supper (or was it lunch, i can no longer recall), run to sonic (bob wanted a flurry), i forgot my wallet so back home then back to sonic..., and finally off to church. SSOOOO i was saying the time flew by. i am actually looking forward to monday so i can finish that task i was working on.
now i am going to go and sit by a wonderful fire that my dazzling outdoors man husband is preparing and read on my book (his book, and only if he is reading too.... lol)
good night to you all. have a wonderful evening...
now i am going to go and sit by a wonderful fire that my dazzling outdoors man husband is preparing and read on my book (his book, and only if he is reading too.... lol)
good night to you all. have a wonderful evening...
Friday, January 25, 2008
Good Days And Getting Better
i am getting to be quite a "pro" at the "office". tonight went well, AND i am catching onto all the processes that need to happen each night. plus there is always something new to add. and i am loving it. what a great place to be working. God knew exactly what i needed - and it appears i was exactly what they needed. WOW!!! and that doesn't even begin to say it all.
today again went quickly. i painted my nails - finally got them done without any smears or crazy stuff on them.... (and it takes a long time to do nails...)
hmmm, not really anything else to say. oh i got the official "Fight Like A Girl" book. i am excited to get started reading it. i hope to catch up to where we are in the women's study. i am hoping to win the workbook off ebay too. and i set up a haircut appointment for tuesday. very excited about that... :)
love to you all, goodnight.
today again went quickly. i painted my nails - finally got them done without any smears or crazy stuff on them.... (and it takes a long time to do nails...)
hmmm, not really anything else to say. oh i got the official "Fight Like A Girl" book. i am excited to get started reading it. i hope to catch up to where we are in the women's study. i am hoping to win the workbook off ebay too. and i set up a haircut appointment for tuesday. very excited about that... :)
love to you all, goodnight.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Lots To Say Tonight
alright i have gotten through another wednesday.... lol. went to women's group this morning. it is such a breath of fresh air - i am throughly enjoying the teaching by lisa bevere - Fight Like A Girl. we are watching her on dvd and i have ordered her book AND am hoping to win her workbook on ebay.... lol.
k, the storyline - women are to be women and let men be men. simple huh? but with all the gender crossing and no role models it is quite difficult to distinguish what we women are supposed to be doing, and all too often we just feel like a problem. WELL since God never made problems (we can act like one tho...), we have to get the right outlook on who we are.
the first session was based out of knowing that men are not the enemy - they are the answer and our ally. we are their answer and ally. now hold on - don't get bent out of shape.... God working through each of us = answer to someone's problem. i.e. bob is the answer to what i need and i am the answer to what he needs - the compliment. apart we have such rough edges, together (unified in God) we compliment and are strengths. and that is just a PART of what she was talking on during the first session.
second session was about no longer disliking other women. there is a weird thing that happens with women, we get competitive and look at each other with jealousy and mistrust - they are a problem and often times we look to men instead of our fellow ladies. NOW, again before getting out of hand with this one. MOST of the time women are mistrusting of each other. a lot of us ACT like a problem instead of letting God use us to be the answer. i must admit i have felt more accepted by men than by women, but i am not called to have all these great relationships with men - i have one man to have a great relationship with (and that is hard enough in itself....). i am to be able to find companionship with women - somehow, still working on this one. it is often hard to relate to other ladies and for that i need God to work in me and through me. i don't like being flaky.
third session - was a focusing on how God made man and He made woman. this culture says that we need to get rid of gender because it causes such pain. 'if men would only be more feminine and women be more masculine... then all the pain would go away.' but you can not change the basic DNA of each individual. and when you try to change what you are at the center of your being there is confusion. it is vital to find what it means to be feminine - it DOES NOT MEAN manipulating, and to be masculine does NOT mean to be dominating. there is a place to come to that is center where there is balance, strength, perspective, truth, that connection with our Creator. and since He doesn't make mistakes - you are exactly who and what you were meant to be. now to find our place. the perfect plan - man was good, but he was alone. God brought him woman, AND he gave her expression. see man had a longing but he didn't have the way to express it. and God wanted man and woman. He separated the "parts" gave them both a voice and then He put them back together in one. (this is not to leave single, widowed, or divorced out there floundering - you are one with God. but once you marry God expects both parts to become one and get it together - iron sharpening iron kind of thing. and hard... lol) woman's part was to be connection. we connect people. there are responsibilities God made for us, not for man, to carry. we elevate life, helping to make things better. we make a home, a place for peace to dwell. and this is not about being devaluing a woman anywhere she is. this is not holding the woman back from making her way in the world, this is a simple statement that women are valued, vital, we are the answer to a question in another life.
virtue qualifies leaders, not gender. leading is not about gender. gender does not qualify us for anything, God does. men need women and women need men. no matter our skills and talents we need to realize that we aren't independent of each other - we are actually interdependent of each other. strengths and weaknesses. we are equal but NOT interchangeable. and our job, to build each other in love - this happens when each person does what they are made to do. as women we have to put off our hurts and bitterness and allow God to heal us.
k, the storyline - women are to be women and let men be men. simple huh? but with all the gender crossing and no role models it is quite difficult to distinguish what we women are supposed to be doing, and all too often we just feel like a problem. WELL since God never made problems (we can act like one tho...), we have to get the right outlook on who we are.
the first session was based out of knowing that men are not the enemy - they are the answer and our ally. we are their answer and ally. now hold on - don't get bent out of shape.... God working through each of us = answer to someone's problem. i.e. bob is the answer to what i need and i am the answer to what he needs - the compliment. apart we have such rough edges, together (unified in God) we compliment and are strengths. and that is just a PART of what she was talking on during the first session.
second session was about no longer disliking other women. there is a weird thing that happens with women, we get competitive and look at each other with jealousy and mistrust - they are a problem and often times we look to men instead of our fellow ladies. NOW, again before getting out of hand with this one. MOST of the time women are mistrusting of each other. a lot of us ACT like a problem instead of letting God use us to be the answer. i must admit i have felt more accepted by men than by women, but i am not called to have all these great relationships with men - i have one man to have a great relationship with (and that is hard enough in itself....). i am to be able to find companionship with women - somehow, still working on this one. it is often hard to relate to other ladies and for that i need God to work in me and through me. i don't like being flaky.
third session - was a focusing on how God made man and He made woman. this culture says that we need to get rid of gender because it causes such pain. 'if men would only be more feminine and women be more masculine... then all the pain would go away.' but you can not change the basic DNA of each individual. and when you try to change what you are at the center of your being there is confusion. it is vital to find what it means to be feminine - it DOES NOT MEAN manipulating, and to be masculine does NOT mean to be dominating. there is a place to come to that is center where there is balance, strength, perspective, truth, that connection with our Creator. and since He doesn't make mistakes - you are exactly who and what you were meant to be. now to find our place. the perfect plan - man was good, but he was alone. God brought him woman, AND he gave her expression. see man had a longing but he didn't have the way to express it. and God wanted man and woman. He separated the "parts" gave them both a voice and then He put them back together in one. (this is not to leave single, widowed, or divorced out there floundering - you are one with God. but once you marry God expects both parts to become one and get it together - iron sharpening iron kind of thing. and hard... lol) woman's part was to be connection. we connect people. there are responsibilities God made for us, not for man, to carry. we elevate life, helping to make things better. we make a home, a place for peace to dwell. and this is not about being devaluing a woman anywhere she is. this is not holding the woman back from making her way in the world, this is a simple statement that women are valued, vital, we are the answer to a question in another life.
virtue qualifies leaders, not gender. leading is not about gender. gender does not qualify us for anything, God does. men need women and women need men. no matter our skills and talents we need to realize that we aren't independent of each other - we are actually interdependent of each other. strengths and weaknesses. we are equal but NOT interchangeable. and our job, to build each other in love - this happens when each person does what they are made to do. as women we have to put off our hurts and bitterness and allow God to heal us.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Time - Friend or Foe?
alright, time seems to be DRAGGING along!!!! and yet i know it is the measure that God has put into place so i must not be irritated with the way it is spending.... there is a condition of "i want" that i am dealing in right now. i see this beautiful picture of happiness (mind you - happiness is only a state of mind. and only God can truly make a person happy in their circumstance. and with that i have pretty much voided anything else i want to say.... SHOOT!!!!)
so now that i have admitted that happiness only comes from God. and He has the ability to make ANY situation good by turning your heart where it needs to focus. i guess i have my answer too. (i was going to ask for any comments about how to find happiness in any given circumstance... wow i really have nothing to blog about.)
i know, i was chatting with a former boss this a.m. and realized that in my chatter i was seeing my actions in a proud way. saying how i was handling myself and i was saying that God was involved, but i really was not giving Him the full credit. and pride is a crummy thing to have working in ones life.
it is said over and over how humility and the humble (meek) are blessed and received. i often struggle with how well i think i am doing and handling things - by myself - and i must say, this situation i am going through, well i have stunk on many levels. (and this is not disparaging myself or thinking badly about myself - i just know i should not think more highly of myself than i am.)
human nature being what it is, there is no way to be good - purely good. motives sure play a big hand in all i do. if i think i am doing so well with this stuff it is not me. i have so often gone to God and told Him i hate what is being said to me, and i hate the person saying it, i am tired of being hurt and having my life turned upside down - i want what i want. that beautiful marriage with a spouse that is crazy about me and some great children. and with appearances being what they are right now, i am a mess.
God however is not surprised by anything that has happened in the past two months. He is sustaining me, and reminding me that i can not hold anyone accountable but myself. i am in charge of my reactions and the words that come out of my mouth. there is forgiveness for the past mistakes, but right now i must walk in His love and allow Him access to me and my heart.
only God is a sure thing - that He is faithful and will not leave me; only God can love me the way i should be loved; only God can provide me with strength to keep moving forward; only God, only God, ONLY GOD!!! and without Him i simply can not survive what is happening. so it is not me, because i wanted to give up the moment the words were spoken (well okay so i got really ticked off and fearful, but then as time moved on i just wanted to give up. all the pain and hurt, the disappointment....) BUT GOD DOESN'T FAIL - we do. if i give up i say that God is not able to move in my life, this marriage, anything. and so i keep holding on when i want to let go and just let things end. but God is faithful and He holds us, He moves us and He will complete what He started.
my life, my marriage, my future - it is in God's hands. He is quite capable.
so now that i have admitted that happiness only comes from God. and He has the ability to make ANY situation good by turning your heart where it needs to focus. i guess i have my answer too. (i was going to ask for any comments about how to find happiness in any given circumstance... wow i really have nothing to blog about.)
i know, i was chatting with a former boss this a.m. and realized that in my chatter i was seeing my actions in a proud way. saying how i was handling myself and i was saying that God was involved, but i really was not giving Him the full credit. and pride is a crummy thing to have working in ones life.
it is said over and over how humility and the humble (meek) are blessed and received. i often struggle with how well i think i am doing and handling things - by myself - and i must say, this situation i am going through, well i have stunk on many levels. (and this is not disparaging myself or thinking badly about myself - i just know i should not think more highly of myself than i am.)
human nature being what it is, there is no way to be good - purely good. motives sure play a big hand in all i do. if i think i am doing so well with this stuff it is not me. i have so often gone to God and told Him i hate what is being said to me, and i hate the person saying it, i am tired of being hurt and having my life turned upside down - i want what i want. that beautiful marriage with a spouse that is crazy about me and some great children. and with appearances being what they are right now, i am a mess.
God however is not surprised by anything that has happened in the past two months. He is sustaining me, and reminding me that i can not hold anyone accountable but myself. i am in charge of my reactions and the words that come out of my mouth. there is forgiveness for the past mistakes, but right now i must walk in His love and allow Him access to me and my heart.
only God is a sure thing - that He is faithful and will not leave me; only God can love me the way i should be loved; only God can provide me with strength to keep moving forward; only God, only God, ONLY GOD!!! and without Him i simply can not survive what is happening. so it is not me, because i wanted to give up the moment the words were spoken (well okay so i got really ticked off and fearful, but then as time moved on i just wanted to give up. all the pain and hurt, the disappointment....) BUT GOD DOESN'T FAIL - we do. if i give up i say that God is not able to move in my life, this marriage, anything. and so i keep holding on when i want to let go and just let things end. but God is faithful and He holds us, He moves us and He will complete what He started.
my life, my marriage, my future - it is in God's hands. He is quite capable.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Long Day
today was long - well actually i am surprised how quickly the day goes and then it is time to go off to work. tonight was late. one of the new teachers went an extra 30 minutes. i was sure ready to get home.
it is chilly tonight. we are expecting possible ice tonight, but i really don't think it got cold enough to freeze. we shall see.
hmmm not much to write about tonight. good day. got laundry done and ironing finished (still one more shirt....)
i won some stiletto boots on ebay and wore them tonight. my feet are tired, but they sure look good.
bob is in the living room playing with the dog - it is hilarious. kaci runs with her back legs tucked under her. you would have to be here to see it - great fun!!!!
well i am going to head off now.
good night.
it is chilly tonight. we are expecting possible ice tonight, but i really don't think it got cold enough to freeze. we shall see.
hmmm not much to write about tonight. good day. got laundry done and ironing finished (still one more shirt....)
i won some stiletto boots on ebay and wore them tonight. my feet are tired, but they sure look good.
bob is in the living room playing with the dog - it is hilarious. kaci runs with her back legs tucked under her. you would have to be here to see it - great fun!!!!
well i am going to head off now.
good night.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Jesus Said It Is Finished
i have been reading my pastor's blog. i was struck by his Day 18 entry. praying the answer not the problem. so i have been doing that. it is amazing how much better it feels to pray "Father you alone are the answer, You have the solution and can change hearts." instead of saying that i am tired and don't know if i can take anymore. i pray that "there is nothing that can overwhelm me because i can trust You, God to keep me safe. You give the one You love rest and comfort me in and through all life brings." "You are the healer of my hurts and You take the pain."
you see i don't want to be bitter, or angry. i don't like how it feels to walk around carrying all that pain and junk from my past. i am reading a book by lisa bevere titled The True Measure of A Woman, and it reminded me that if i carry all the stuff that has happened to me, or not happened whatever the case, and i bring that to my Creator and say that i am like i am because of this stuff then i can not be free of it and i cannot accept what Jesus did for me. so all that to say i no longer can bring up the past, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ, those that choose to live a life rooted in Christ. (romans 8:1)
let me sum up a bit. most of my marriage has been spent recording my wrongs and everyone else's wrongs. i am certain now that i am not to do that (various reasons for this conclusion, but mostly because the Bible is clear on not doing that.). (even my own wrongs - and i sure like to remind myself of them often.) i can no longer keep those records if i want God to be able to do anything in my life. (and right now i need Him, it is very apparent that i need Him) so as He brings instances up, sometimes the same things i thought had been dealt with, i forgive the people involved and instead show mercy (i choose to not pass judgment on the people or their actions - i am not even sure what their motive was and that is between them and God.).
luke 6:37 is clear that i should not judge or i will be judged, do not condemn or i will be condemned, forgive and i will be forgiven. basically - what you do to others will be done unto you. and since i do not want to be judged or condemned but i want to be forgiven i must follow this. and in truth i find peace. when i pray the solution and acknowledge that things are out of my hands but not out of God's hands (you see there is nothing that has happened that God was surprised about or not ready for and when i am quiet and let Him work, He gets things done.) (and that is VERY HARD FOR ME - the being quiet and letting Him work part....)
so i was wrapping this "sermon" up. life is supremely harder than i thought it would be at this time of my life - expectations sure can be false when they are not expectations about what God is giving me (i may have to clarify that later) - and in the midst of it all i am doing my best to (proverbs 3:5-8) "trust the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths smooth. do not consider yourself wise. Fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. then your body will be healed, and your bones will have nourishment."
see God is the only one that can fix the mess we get ourselves into. and He is the only safe place to put my hope. and He will care for me no matter the decisions of others. i can and will have something better than anything i could have produced, no matter how "good" i tried to be. so i am letting go of what is behind me, pressing on toward a prize better than my dreams (and i have BIG dreams) and i will see victory. i remind myself - it is darker, harder, stinkier, ..... right before the breakthrough. we always want to throw in the towel and scream "just be done with it" before the victory sounds. but not me - God is too good and He just doesn't know how to fail, so i can't give up. verona reminds me He needs someone to work with and it mies well be me. God is so good, so strong, always faithful, loving, full of hope, bringer of peace in the storm. there is victory and satan is defeated he has no more tricks or things to throw. Jesus said it is finished.
you see i don't want to be bitter, or angry. i don't like how it feels to walk around carrying all that pain and junk from my past. i am reading a book by lisa bevere titled The True Measure of A Woman, and it reminded me that if i carry all the stuff that has happened to me, or not happened whatever the case, and i bring that to my Creator and say that i am like i am because of this stuff then i can not be free of it and i cannot accept what Jesus did for me. so all that to say i no longer can bring up the past, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ, those that choose to live a life rooted in Christ. (romans 8:1)
let me sum up a bit. most of my marriage has been spent recording my wrongs and everyone else's wrongs. i am certain now that i am not to do that (various reasons for this conclusion, but mostly because the Bible is clear on not doing that.). (even my own wrongs - and i sure like to remind myself of them often.) i can no longer keep those records if i want God to be able to do anything in my life. (and right now i need Him, it is very apparent that i need Him) so as He brings instances up, sometimes the same things i thought had been dealt with, i forgive the people involved and instead show mercy (i choose to not pass judgment on the people or their actions - i am not even sure what their motive was and that is between them and God.).
luke 6:37 is clear that i should not judge or i will be judged, do not condemn or i will be condemned, forgive and i will be forgiven. basically - what you do to others will be done unto you. and since i do not want to be judged or condemned but i want to be forgiven i must follow this. and in truth i find peace. when i pray the solution and acknowledge that things are out of my hands but not out of God's hands (you see there is nothing that has happened that God was surprised about or not ready for and when i am quiet and let Him work, He gets things done.) (and that is VERY HARD FOR ME - the being quiet and letting Him work part....)
so i was wrapping this "sermon" up. life is supremely harder than i thought it would be at this time of my life - expectations sure can be false when they are not expectations about what God is giving me (i may have to clarify that later) - and in the midst of it all i am doing my best to (proverbs 3:5-8) "trust the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths smooth. do not consider yourself wise. Fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. then your body will be healed, and your bones will have nourishment."
see God is the only one that can fix the mess we get ourselves into. and He is the only safe place to put my hope. and He will care for me no matter the decisions of others. i can and will have something better than anything i could have produced, no matter how "good" i tried to be. so i am letting go of what is behind me, pressing on toward a prize better than my dreams (and i have BIG dreams) and i will see victory. i remind myself - it is darker, harder, stinkier, ..... right before the breakthrough. we always want to throw in the towel and scream "just be done with it" before the victory sounds. but not me - God is too good and He just doesn't know how to fail, so i can't give up. verona reminds me He needs someone to work with and it mies well be me. God is so good, so strong, always faithful, loving, full of hope, bringer of peace in the storm. there is victory and satan is defeated he has no more tricks or things to throw. Jesus said it is finished.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Tough Times
the job continues to be a light in all this mess. such a great place to go, and it is obvious they are very thankful to have me there. makes a person feel good of course. and i seem to be catching on quickly, there is still a lot to learn i am sure, but it will all come in time. the only part that seems to have me stuck so far is the copier - a bit finicky, but isn't that the story with most copiers?
i have gotten pretty ill the past few days. some kind of sinus, chest, ear, thing with sensitivity to light. (same thing i had before the ice storm.) please, i need strength right now. i can see how a person can get pretty defeated in the mind when they are tired and it is quite a struggle right now. still no change with what bob is saying. and things seem to be getting to me more, like all my little buttons being pushed constantly. i am reminded however that when you are walking where God wants you to be, there is an attack. and in this case it is a relentless attack, never seems to let up. i find myself continually going to God for more strength and love. this is such a hard place to be in especially where there is not someone putting their arms around you telling you it will be alright. i have not gotten the knack of knowing God is right here with me - hovering as Verona puts it. i am quickly getting to where i just want things over. i am so tired, but i can not give in and say that God is not big enough to change this situation. no matter what is said to me or how things are i feel it would be saying God can not change things if i go along with what is being said to me. Verona also said it always looks darkest right before the best is about to come - i sure hope this is it.
Papa, help me.
i have gotten pretty ill the past few days. some kind of sinus, chest, ear, thing with sensitivity to light. (same thing i had before the ice storm.) please, i need strength right now. i can see how a person can get pretty defeated in the mind when they are tired and it is quite a struggle right now. still no change with what bob is saying. and things seem to be getting to me more, like all my little buttons being pushed constantly. i am reminded however that when you are walking where God wants you to be, there is an attack. and in this case it is a relentless attack, never seems to let up. i find myself continually going to God for more strength and love. this is such a hard place to be in especially where there is not someone putting their arms around you telling you it will be alright. i have not gotten the knack of knowing God is right here with me - hovering as Verona puts it. i am quickly getting to where i just want things over. i am so tired, but i can not give in and say that God is not big enough to change this situation. no matter what is said to me or how things are i feel it would be saying God can not change things if i go along with what is being said to me. Verona also said it always looks darkest right before the best is about to come - i sure hope this is it.
Papa, help me.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Another Great Day of Work
today was another great day at work. i love being busy and having the evening fly by. it is also nice to have people come by and thank me for being there - they are so appreciative.
went to the dr today - it is official, i did miscarry tho i knew that was going to be the outcome. a little sad still but really it is good to know that i can be pregnant. and God has been so faithful through this that i am at peace and have found comfort. bob i believe is alright with the information also. he did not really get any time to adjust to anything being different.
also with the job is the feelings of being very tired, and at this stage in my life it is nice to not be thinking of too much else. i like being tired so that i don't feel other things so intensely. God is still working in our lives and i am at peace waiting (okay so at times i am at peace.... please - keep us lifted up.)
i think i have an earlier morning, so i will say goodnight. hmmm short postings, which are okay by me.
night all.
went to the dr today - it is official, i did miscarry tho i knew that was going to be the outcome. a little sad still but really it is good to know that i can be pregnant. and God has been so faithful through this that i am at peace and have found comfort. bob i believe is alright with the information also. he did not really get any time to adjust to anything being different.
also with the job is the feelings of being very tired, and at this stage in my life it is nice to not be thinking of too much else. i like being tired so that i don't feel other things so intensely. God is still working in our lives and i am at peace waiting (okay so at times i am at peace.... please - keep us lifted up.)
i think i have an earlier morning, so i will say goodnight. hmmm short postings, which are okay by me.
night all.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
First "Day"
tonight was my first "day" on the job. looks to be a great environment to be in. the evening went fast as i was busy trying to file away months of paperwork. it would seem there is a myriad of tasks to perform, least of all was answering the phone - which i thought would be the majority of the work. i think i did fairly well and still have a lot to learn. ran into having a bit of trouble trying to file some paperwork - turns out there is quite a system.
went to the obgyn today - he could not tell me anything and sent me back to the emergency room i went to on saturday to get a blood test done. sooo i have to go back tomorrow. not exactly what i wanted to hear. tho it looks like there is no longer a pregnancy - sad, however God is good and i am feeling peace.
what a mess - just wish it was all over and done.
thank you again for the prayers and love.
went to the obgyn today - he could not tell me anything and sent me back to the emergency room i went to on saturday to get a blood test done. sooo i have to go back tomorrow. not exactly what i wanted to hear. tho it looks like there is no longer a pregnancy - sad, however God is good and i am feeling peace.
what a mess - just wish it was all over and done.
thank you again for the prayers and love.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Some Sad News
hey all, i have some sad information to share this day. friday, while bob and i were at the ice skating rink, i began to have some horrible cramping. when i got home i had, what i thought at the time might be a miscarriage - but was unsure because i did not know if i was pregnant. (anyone wanting gory details can email me...) i got online and began to do some research to see what i could find out. saturday i bought a pregnancy test and checked - two little pink lines, you are pregnant - and my heart fell. my searching online said that the pregnancy hormone can stay in the body for up to two weeks. so i knew i was pregnant, or had been. after talking to a few beloved people i came home and showed bob the test and then told him i believed i had miscarried. we then went to the emergency room to find out what was going on. it appears that i am in a threatened miscarriage - all signs lead us to believe that i did miscarry tho there is a small chance i did not. so tomorrow or tuesday i am to get to a dr and get a test done to see if the pregnancy hormone is less (miscarriage) or more (still pregnant). i am almost certain i miscarried, i know that God can and will work in this situation no matter what i find out.
i am alright, things hit me and i try and not dwell on them but give it over to my Loving Father. bob has been a wonderful comfort to me. he says that there simply was not an opportunity to even think of this as more than something that happened and will not allow himself to think more than that because it would lead to hurt and there is nothing else to do but go on. so he is alright with it (i think that is what that all means, still not sure about it tho.)
if you are in touch with my in-laws, please do not bring it up to them. they know nothing more than we do. and if you have questions you can always leave a comment here or email me. thank you all for the prayers. we continue to believe God is working anything and all things out for the best. again we both need to hear clearly from God and know His will in all we do. thank you.
i am alright, things hit me and i try and not dwell on them but give it over to my Loving Father. bob has been a wonderful comfort to me. he says that there simply was not an opportunity to even think of this as more than something that happened and will not allow himself to think more than that because it would lead to hurt and there is nothing else to do but go on. so he is alright with it (i think that is what that all means, still not sure about it tho.)
if you are in touch with my in-laws, please do not bring it up to them. they know nothing more than we do. and if you have questions you can always leave a comment here or email me. thank you all for the prayers. we continue to believe God is working anything and all things out for the best. again we both need to hear clearly from God and know His will in all we do. thank you.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Got A Job
i have great news - today i was offered a part time receptionist job for a college satellite (oklahoma wesleyan) close to our location. i will be working monday through thursday 4:45 - 10:15 approximately, and there will be a saturday morning once in a while. tasks include - setting up classrooms with equipment, phone answering, some computer document work, picking up the rooms and kitchen area, and general tasks to assist the instructors and my co-workers. it is a christain college and everyone i work with is a christian. still means the atmosphere will have its moments, but we all know to love one another. i am very excited about this job. i will have three day weekends for the most part and can stay involved with the women's meeting on wed mornings, also i can attend church on sat with bob. actually this schedule fits with bob's quite well. he has fri thru sun off also and will get home about the same time i do in the evening. and the pay is good.
to celebrate i plan to go ice skating with bob tonight. i start on this coming monday. it is just good timing. the job will help me get my eyes of the situation going on right now, and it is always nice to have a bit of extra money (well if you can call it extra... lol)
see, i keep being taken off guard at how faithful God is. things seem so tough right now and it is easy to get super focused on what is right in front of my face. but God is always faithful and He is looking to provide the best for the circumstances we are in. He IS healer, restorer, counselor, mighty. and in the midst of what seems to be my world falling apart - i find He is the One holding me together, giving me strength to love beyond my means. and i am ashamed that i doubted at all. He sees the entire picture from the beginning and to the end - and as verona says, the chapter is not written.
so here i go.
to celebrate i plan to go ice skating with bob tonight. i start on this coming monday. it is just good timing. the job will help me get my eyes of the situation going on right now, and it is always nice to have a bit of extra money (well if you can call it extra... lol)
see, i keep being taken off guard at how faithful God is. things seem so tough right now and it is easy to get super focused on what is right in front of my face. but God is always faithful and He is looking to provide the best for the circumstances we are in. He IS healer, restorer, counselor, mighty. and in the midst of what seems to be my world falling apart - i find He is the One holding me together, giving me strength to love beyond my means. and i am ashamed that i doubted at all. He sees the entire picture from the beginning and to the end - and as verona says, the chapter is not written.
so here i go.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Full Day
today i went for an interview - not so bad actually. i am not sure i want the job however. it is all evenings and some saturdays. and since the position is needing to be filled for a while i am not sure it will fit into my near future.... am praying tho...
also got a call from walgreens - they will interview me on thursday. it is only two blocks away and i can easily walk. hoping for some hours that will float so i can attend bible studies and still get to church events. mostly days then except for wed morning. i can always dream and hope. there is a great job with my name on it...
also had coffee with a neighbor - we are going to the aquarium tomorrow. i am so excited (first i have a dr. apt... tho)
tonight was choir practice - we sing sat night and two services sunday. i am excited about doing that too. i love singing.
well it has been a full day so i am ready to go to bed (oh yeah, i took down all the christmas decorations too - except the wreath on the front door and the little snow man phil and kathy gave to us...)
good night.
also got a call from walgreens - they will interview me on thursday. it is only two blocks away and i can easily walk. hoping for some hours that will float so i can attend bible studies and still get to church events. mostly days then except for wed morning. i can always dream and hope. there is a great job with my name on it...
also had coffee with a neighbor - we are going to the aquarium tomorrow. i am so excited (first i have a dr. apt... tho)
tonight was choir practice - we sing sat night and two services sunday. i am excited about doing that too. i love singing.
well it has been a full day so i am ready to go to bed (oh yeah, i took down all the christmas decorations too - except the wreath on the front door and the little snow man phil and kathy gave to us...)
good night.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Finding Calm
monday morning - well early afternoon actually. i have been out to kinkos to fax off 5 resumes with cover letter and letter of recommendation. it is a bit daunting - i guess because i look at job searching as being a long line of rejections. i have been told that when i go for interviews i am interviewing the job just as they are interviewing me. good way to look at it. i hope that out of my almost $20 spent to fax these resumes i may get a call or two. also have emailed several companies and mailed one off. (kind of feels like spaming... you know where you get a ton of junk in your email or mailbox?) i have always gotten jobs by who i knew. so this "hunting" stuff is odd.
weekend went fast. bob is trying to get "normal" sleeping hours. he has had a few weeks of being up until 2 to 5 in the morning - even later actually. so he is trying to get to sleep so he can function at work.
i don't think i have much more to report. fairly calm life right now. i keep reaching out for that calm and praying for peace. i still find myself getting over emotional about things, but God is my Rock and foundation. when i get off myself and what i think is important - well all is calm.
thank you all for the prayers.
weekend went fast. bob is trying to get "normal" sleeping hours. he has had a few weeks of being up until 2 to 5 in the morning - even later actually. so he is trying to get to sleep so he can function at work.
i don't think i have much more to report. fairly calm life right now. i keep reaching out for that calm and praying for peace. i still find myself getting over emotional about things, but God is my Rock and foundation. when i get off myself and what i think is important - well all is calm.
thank you all for the prayers.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
God Still Moves
i know i know, we all have times of selfishness and self-pity, but i still hate wallowing in it all. tonight i was remembering a time - well that i wish was happening right now. and i don't have it and so i got all balled up emotionally (which accomplishes nothing) and began to feel sorry for myself. and i just could not shake it. the memory seemed to follow me almost everywhere, and with it all the feeling sorry for myself - which only made me more angry with myself for not being able to put it off.
soooooo i finally remembered that i simply don't have the power to put all this aside by myself. and just because i want something so dearly doesn't mean i NEED it. God is really all i NEED - He provides my needs and i have all i need and more. so i began to thank God for the little things i see on a frequent basis, and asked for strength and power to put aside me so that He can work.
there are so many factors in a situation and i can not possibly see beginning from end. i know that if we put God first and listen to Him AND act on what He tells us, then situations change and - well it is easier to steer a moving ship, right....
i can not and will not be able to change a single thing in this situation staring me in the face. i trust God to change it. it is not my job to change hearts or minds and the more i try the more mucky it gets, so i will keep praying and moving, God will do the rest.
thank you all for your prayers - God is good.
love to you and a good night.
oh yes, i am job searching too. that in itself almost freezes me to the spot, but it is time and i know that God provides the right job. He can teach me something through the search also, it is time.
soooooo i finally remembered that i simply don't have the power to put all this aside by myself. and just because i want something so dearly doesn't mean i NEED it. God is really all i NEED - He provides my needs and i have all i need and more. so i began to thank God for the little things i see on a frequent basis, and asked for strength and power to put aside me so that He can work.
there are so many factors in a situation and i can not possibly see beginning from end. i know that if we put God first and listen to Him AND act on what He tells us, then situations change and - well it is easier to steer a moving ship, right....
i can not and will not be able to change a single thing in this situation staring me in the face. i trust God to change it. it is not my job to change hearts or minds and the more i try the more mucky it gets, so i will keep praying and moving, God will do the rest.
thank you all for your prayers - God is good.
love to you and a good night.
oh yes, i am job searching too. that in itself almost freezes me to the spot, but it is time and i know that God provides the right job. He can teach me something through the search also, it is time.
Almost Forgot
almost forgot tonight's posting....
today passed - slowly at times and then it is almost midnight... let me see. slept in (felt good!!!). ran some errands this afternoon. took the dog for a walk - the weather is very nice for taking walks now. then worked on my resume. i have found several job listings online for receptionist positions, so i tweaked (got help from kathy - thank you again.), not sure why i am so nervous to tweak w/o assistance - tho kathy sure knows how to put things. emailed one resume, prepped several to fax, and one is in the mailbox. sure hope something comes of this stuff, it is daunting to be searching. i am praying God provides the one i need.
popped in a miss marple and enjoyed that until bob got home from work. we just watched a portion of the patriot. (such a serious story and we stopped right in the middle of an intense part....)
and now i hope to go to bed. SOON.
good-night all.
today passed - slowly at times and then it is almost midnight... let me see. slept in (felt good!!!). ran some errands this afternoon. took the dog for a walk - the weather is very nice for taking walks now. then worked on my resume. i have found several job listings online for receptionist positions, so i tweaked (got help from kathy - thank you again.), not sure why i am so nervous to tweak w/o assistance - tho kathy sure knows how to put things. emailed one resume, prepped several to fax, and one is in the mailbox. sure hope something comes of this stuff, it is daunting to be searching. i am praying God provides the one i need.
popped in a miss marple and enjoyed that until bob got home from work. we just watched a portion of the patriot. (such a serious story and we stopped right in the middle of an intense part....)
and now i hope to go to bed. SOON.
good-night all.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Second Day of 2008
yikes, this is only the second day of january... feels like it should be at least a week, i think.
okay. today i am looking online for job postings. (never got a call from the guy at walgreens... so i am gonna say that is a no go.) put together a "resume" - man i hate doing that stuff. it is so much better to put one together with my mother-in-law. she helps me word things so much better. most of the jobs i checked on want me to fax my resume to them... so i will have to specify each resume to the position i want. well, no one said it was a walk in the park....
bob went back to work today. left this morning around 10:15 and is still there - 11:08 pm. i think they are back at full production monday.
i cleaned up today and did laundry. long days again....
not much to report on today. hope you are all well too.
good night.
okay. today i am looking online for job postings. (never got a call from the guy at walgreens... so i am gonna say that is a no go.) put together a "resume" - man i hate doing that stuff. it is so much better to put one together with my mother-in-law. she helps me word things so much better. most of the jobs i checked on want me to fax my resume to them... so i will have to specify each resume to the position i want. well, no one said it was a walk in the park....
bob went back to work today. left this morning around 10:15 and is still there - 11:08 pm. i think they are back at full production monday.
i cleaned up today and did laundry. long days again....
not much to report on today. hope you are all well too.
good night.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Happy New Year
WOW - 2008 here already. do you remember thinking the world would surly end before we got to this date??? when i was little i never thought about getting out of the 80s lol. boy am i glad we did tho....
so - no real goals set for this year. i have long ago given up the loosing weight goals and pressure of becoming perfect through setting resolutions. this year i will do my best to draw close in my relationship with God, my Creator. it is my heart to walk in His character, to help others and try not to focus so closely on me, myself, and i. i have hope, because it really doesn't rest on my shoulders. you see, God has the great ability to draw me closer to Him. i find i have answers in Him and that my needs are met by Him. He gives me strength to do things and be things not in my nature. and the more i trust Him the more He can work in my life. so i think that is a good way to start 2008.
i read this great book called "you are not what you weigh" by lisa bevere. good stuff, and i gave it again to God. so far my clothes are getting bigger and i am satisfied. there is no killing myself to watch what i am eating or dragging myself off to a gym. i stop eating when i am satisfied (strange concept), and because i do not like wasting food i am learning to choose smaller portions (boy that was hard!!! sometimes i wonder if it is enough to feed a bird, but it turns out i am full after eating the portion.). and i walk the dog, not even religiously just whenever it is not too cold (and i find myself praying on these walks and getting myself out of my issues and situations...) really kind of peaceful actually.
bob and i went to a friend's home last night to watch a movie and then see the ball drop. my husbands lips were so nice to kiss as we say the new year come in. then we came home and for the first time is weeks fell asleep at the same time. (bob usually finds himself up until 4 or even 5 am.) it was very nice.
God is so good to us and has been faithful. i know He is watching over us and will care for our situation. He really is good.
so i am off to lori's house again - either for football or movies, and bob is going in to work to get a project he has been working on done. he is officially back tomorrow.
this first 21 days of jan our church is fasting and praying for the unsaved and exiled. so every time we forgo doing something we want to do, we pray that He will draw people to Him. every time i choose to not do a certain behavior or thing (you know a thing....) i decide to pray instead. i find i am doing more praying than i thought i would lol. and He is good.
love to you all,
HAPPY NEW YEAR
so - no real goals set for this year. i have long ago given up the loosing weight goals and pressure of becoming perfect through setting resolutions. this year i will do my best to draw close in my relationship with God, my Creator. it is my heart to walk in His character, to help others and try not to focus so closely on me, myself, and i. i have hope, because it really doesn't rest on my shoulders. you see, God has the great ability to draw me closer to Him. i find i have answers in Him and that my needs are met by Him. He gives me strength to do things and be things not in my nature. and the more i trust Him the more He can work in my life. so i think that is a good way to start 2008.
i read this great book called "you are not what you weigh" by lisa bevere. good stuff, and i gave it again to God. so far my clothes are getting bigger and i am satisfied. there is no killing myself to watch what i am eating or dragging myself off to a gym. i stop eating when i am satisfied (strange concept), and because i do not like wasting food i am learning to choose smaller portions (boy that was hard!!! sometimes i wonder if it is enough to feed a bird, but it turns out i am full after eating the portion.). and i walk the dog, not even religiously just whenever it is not too cold (and i find myself praying on these walks and getting myself out of my issues and situations...) really kind of peaceful actually.
bob and i went to a friend's home last night to watch a movie and then see the ball drop. my husbands lips were so nice to kiss as we say the new year come in. then we came home and for the first time is weeks fell asleep at the same time. (bob usually finds himself up until 4 or even 5 am.) it was very nice.
God is so good to us and has been faithful. i know He is watching over us and will care for our situation. He really is good.
so i am off to lori's house again - either for football or movies, and bob is going in to work to get a project he has been working on done. he is officially back tomorrow.
this first 21 days of jan our church is fasting and praying for the unsaved and exiled. so every time we forgo doing something we want to do, we pray that He will draw people to Him. every time i choose to not do a certain behavior or thing (you know a thing....) i decide to pray instead. i find i am doing more praying than i thought i would lol. and He is good.
love to you all,
HAPPY NEW YEAR
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