This Is What I Get

so all the craziness has gotten over - well except for the rather large hole developing at the top of my incision site.  i am going to the dr tomorrow about that actually, hoping to get a beautiful butterfly for that.  i keep being told it is normal, only the part i don't believe is normal is the continued enlargement of the hole...

so scot got me this beautiful "guarantee" ring.  he stated that it was a guarantee for the following reason (please see reason in below paragraph...):

"My life has been crazy for a long time without you Rebecca. For the first time I feel I know where I am going and feel complete. A promise ring means nothing to me due to the fact promises can be broken. As sad as that is in life it is true. That's why this ring is not a promise of my love but a guarantee! But to add to this statement is something else I have learned since you have came into my live,..... 'When we seek for connection, we restore the world to wholeness. Our seemingly separate lives become meaningful as we discover how truly necessary we are to each other'. I hope this makes up for not being able to be the man u have always needed, but to show you I can learn to be the best man I can next to you! I love you and always will till life does not exist on the lil planet we live on."

yeah.  he wrote that for me... amazing huh?  i actually did not know he could express himself so wonderfully.  i was quite overwhelmed after reading it.  im still not certain my feeble "thank you, scot" could ever come close to the wonder and love i felt coming from myself and the love i knew was coming from him in his declaration.  i am so blessed.

i asked charity to be my maid of honor tonight.  

no we are not officially engaged yet.  and i may be jumping the gun on getting details in place, but there is only a year for planning and so much that needs to happen in that tine also.  so never hurts getting some details down.  hopefully having details taken care of early will allow us a normal life not consumed with wedding details.  and yes, he will ask - still doesn't mean i need to stop planning....

good night. :)

and God, thank You.  thank You for keeping me through this entire process.  the journey has been scary, and i have questioned each step.  You came through.  and You gave me a wonderful man.  help me cherish him as You do.  

Scariness I Had Not Predicted

so i finally went to the dr about the way my breast was looking.  turns out i had a major reaction to the adhesive spray used to close the incision and attach steri-strips.  i blistered up terribly and got a heck of an infection.  now i am needing to heal that all up along with everything else.  it has been more traumatic than i expected of course.

this scariness is surprising to me.  i thought it would be a pretty simple procedure with extra healing time because, well i always take more time to heal.  having something horrible looking and weeping so is gross to me and i am a little scared will leave a less than terrific looking scar.  the incision is gaping and had fluid weeping out.  i don't really want to detail it too much, so suffice it  said that the wounds are scaring me and causing me to second guess how i will look after all has healed.  the situation relies on my vanity, i realize, but i am realistic enough to know it effects how i see myself and therefor how i will carry myself.  i had just begun to feel like, at the size i currently am, i am still beautiful.  here again i must trust God to care for all these feelings.

scot tells me it does not affect the way he feels about me, and i know that is true.  it will just affect the way i feel beautiful to him and respond to his interest.  if i don't care for this it may become a 'reason' i feel he does not want to view my body once we are married, or keep me from wanting  him to see my body.  it is a future situation that causes worry now and therefore can be cared for now and healed before it is a true issue.

well that is it for scariness. 

Feeling Peace

i am sitting here, very late at night (possibly early morning even), watching pride and prejudice in the common room, listening to scot softly snoring in his room, and feeling quite content with the whole situation.  i find comfort in having him around and will miss him greatly when he must go home.  

i so enjoy his company and they way we interact, though we are still getting used to one another's behaviors.  how interesting it is to have an easy way about one another.  i find myself having to deal with little irritations and taking into account how life will be with one another.  this time has felt so very real, though i know it does not compare to how our marriage will be.  

he put in an application with a company this morning and feels very confident about the position available at the company.  i asked him his thoughts and dug a little deeper into what he believed God wanted for him.  scot said he has been talking to God about what actions need to be taken next, with job in mind, and that this company keeps popping up in tv advertisements, radio ads, and driving by one of the plants the other day made him want to jump out of the window to go check the place out.  i asked him if he believed God truly wants the best for him and for us.  scot agreed and i am confident God will provide exactly what is needed.  

i sat tonight and felt simply at peace.  this is good.  there will be other questions and concerns, i seem to always wonder about every detail but find that i am never left out in the cold, that the One who loves me greatest takes care of every need.  scot is a wonderful man.  he will be a fantastic father, already is.  i am truly blessed to know a man such as he.  i long for the marriage, knowing that each step from this moment on is needed and important, and that the time will fly once i look back from the marital side.  

part of me aches to be married.  to live the life i have desired and was denied in my first marriage.  the other part realizes that i must live in the here and now without rushing to another place.  it is vital to continue growing and developing who i am personally and other relationships.  there is truly much to be done in this time between now and marriage.  

the surgery went well.  i have not heard anything about what the lump was found to be, should be an interesting bit of information to find out.  the lower part of my breast is quite pink and i have found that something odd is creeping up the inside, toward the sternum.  tomorrow i will be calling the dr office to see about moving my post op appt up, hoping for tomorrow, to check on what is going on.  i plan on calling and explaining what is going on to see if i need to go in or if it is a normal swelling of tissue.  there is most likely nothing wrong, but i have no idea what is normal from abnormal.  i have chosen to not return to work as the medicine i am taking for pain renders me not as functional as needed to be in the office.  i am not certain whether i would be able to complete an entire day's work either, i may need to do a 1/2 day to see how it goes.  

i have class wednesday night yet have not started.  my sleeping is erratic and i find my good moments do not last long enough to start anything, not really.  i need to contact my new group partner to make certain i am on the same page as he and getting my part completed.  

well that is it for the now.

Tuesday

and a bright, cool, good-morning to all.  please pause with the words "bright" and "cool"...  

last night was an early night.  well i say early because i was in bed around 8pm, though i did not actually fall asleep till after 10.30.  just too tired to stay up i guess.  as i was falling asleep i had a phone call from my instructor about homework this wednesday.  and as i was settling in for the second time my room-mate's son came in with his girlfriend to pack up some groceries and more clothes in order to have real food to eat at her house.  i panicked and went downstairs to write scot's name on the food i purchased for him.  turns out i over-reacted as her son was grabbing all the snack food he had brought from his dad's house, o and half the gallon of milk...  don't get me wrong - i REALLY like my roomie's son, and i know i have food issues, but it drives me nuts to have him not living there only to come home and grab food or stay one night when he is fighting with his girlfriend.  it has nothing to do with me and i really need to ignore it.  so back to the original thought for this paragraph, i finally got to sleep around 10.30 or a little after.

and heck yeah!!, i am awake and refreshed.  i'm even eating fruit for breakfast - thank you mama for the fruit basket.  i hope this refreshed feeling will hang on, and i am contributing it to sleeping all day sunday.  it was so good to do that.  i suggest it to anyone that is desiring a fresh feeling, i mean of course awake feeling - a fresh feeling happens after one showers and is clean ;)

so tomorrow scot arrives.  i get off work around 1 and plan on heading straight to the airport to pick him up.  his flight arrives around 1.55.  i am so excited - may be part of why i did not sleep as early as i thought i would last night.  

as i mentioned earlier, i purchased food for scot to eat while here.  it was way too stressful, and i found myself irritated with him telling me to just buy whatever i thought he should eat.  that is dangerous cuz i would cut out mt. dew, ham, bacon, any processed food and drink - so he would hate what i purchase.  he kept saying this would make a good test for us.  i have enough testing with my school work, i don't want relationship tests...  (crap, conscience hits cuz i have been testing him this entire relationship.) i guess that is what ppl do to one another, they test...  dang we are so unfair to one another.  and this thinking will lead me to deeper thoughts, wonder if i want to go there...

sure why not.  

why do i need to test and is it okay?  i am going to say testing is needed but the motivation needs to be correct.  if i am testing to see if scot will fail me, that is a given.  people fail one another.  if i am testing to know if he is a good match that would be a good reason, it is better to know before committing in marriage.   there will be many areas needing clarification.

i laid in bed last night feeling annoyed with him.  i wonder if it is because of the food thing and that i am feeling stress at him being here and mom wanting to be here and feeling bad that it is working out this way and being tested about the food stuff and surgery and getting homework finished and all the things going on at work with my fellow workers having jobs threatened and Jesus, stop the madness. You are more than capable to take care of all these people and me too.  each situation can be wonderful if i will leave it in Your hands and just trust You.  i had a surprising awareness last night that i have not laid in Your arms in a long, very long time.  i don't even know if i made it there before i fell into sleep.  You are peace and strength, You provide what i need when i need it and right now, right here i want to thank You for caring.  

Birthday and Other Material

i am certain there is a lot to say in this post, but i can't remember most of it.  

this past friday was my birthday - and blogger was down so i was not able to "oooo" and "ahhhhh" about what i hoped to do (stupid blogger).  

 

i took off early for a dr appointment (yay, just the way to spend a birthday...) for surgery this thursday.  it was actually a good appointment, i enjoyed the intake nurses and people i interacted with.  the appointment lasted a good 2 hours, probably much shorter if i had not been talking and operating with an attitude of "having coffee with a friend".  she told me a few scary things about the surgery that i did not expect, so now i am a bit nervous.  what if i don't wake up?  what if i slip into a coma (ok that last thought is not really what i think)?  

friday i went to a sushi place with a girlfriend.  it was fantastic!  then we went and picked up another two gals and headed out to go dancing.  that was fun but i only lasted a couple of hours...  i was pretty tired.  hate the idea i don't want to go all night ;)

saturday i celebrated the entire day.  my girl friend and i went to have massages - hot stone massage actually, which was wonderful!!  i then went home and crashed for a bit, for quite a bit.  later we all got ready (well the other gal in the house... and one that joined later) and went for mexican food with a group.  had a wonderful time, got sang to, ate red velvet cake.  we were supposed to go dancing after that but i totally wussed out.  it was sad and i felt horrible for 'ruining' everyone's fun.  until the others said they were all contemplating leaving early as they were tired too.  so i did not feel too bad.  i went home and went to bed.

sunday i slept the entire day off and on.  mostly on.  i think i forced myself up around 4 so i could work on my homework that is due this wednesday.  i actually went to work so i could stay focused.  spend a couple hours there working on my paper and now i need to concentrate on getting it finished up.  

scot will be here wednesday afternoon.  i am so very excited to get him here.  i need to grab groceries and get a few more things at the house done - basically get gilbert's cage cleaned out.  i am glad he is coming.  this is a heck of an opportunity to see how we will handle, well whatever this is.  i am so ready for him to be here permanently. 

that is it for now.

i am counting the days apparently.  it would appear that time is going to move very slowly.  i am creeping to friday.  and i see that it may be forever till then.  all the same statement in different wording, so creative am i.  

 

tonight is class.  i am not really prepared but have no energy to honestly care.  i will feel fortunate to make it home, change, and back here until 10 pm...

 

that is it for now.

Still Nothing

i still have not been contacted by the surgery scheduling center.  i know it has only been two days but i want to get this on paper and know it is forthcoming - well what time frame it is forthcoming anyway.  i guess referrals have to happen and schedules checked but i would sure like to know what is going on with this.  i want to be in the know and able to plan way in advance.  

the past two mornings have been brutal.  i am quite tired today.  i went to bed after charity got home last night around 1 - well i went to be around 1 she was home around 11.45...  or earlier.  

i feel foggy and not quite together.  that is causing me to not really care.  not care if i look that great - hair combed etc... you know (maybe you know...), not care whether i am directly on time (well actually i care a great deal and feel a bit panicked over 2 min late even when my car clock is ahead of the work clock...) but can't seem to get here on time, and am a zombie when i do arrive - not the flesh eating kind but the dead at my desk kind...

i just want this to be done.  again i look forward to scot being here, and i want that time to last forever.  i just want the surgery part to get done and get beyond it.