Good Stuff

hey all. i would like to start by saying - i am sorry for the length of this one. i can't see it being short in anyway... that said - read on..

i am sitting here eating my egg and avocado spring mix salad - which i was craving and did not know it - with my newly painted, black toenails - the paint is black and i feel radical - totally excited about a few things that will probably turn into several things, and may explode into more after that. the more i ponder - okay i am not pondering at all just letting my thoughts wonder and being amazed at the enormity of what i am seeing... read on..

the black polish - all my growing up existance (and most of everyone elses too) i have done what i could to be accepted by others. wanted to have the right look, be in the right group (way too scared to get too involved tho..), find someone that would 'get me in'. as i sat painting my toes, i realized again - i really like what i see. for the first time in my life i like what is reflecting back at me in the mirror, even without make-up. i tend to follow trends and try to look like the picts - but have gone a different way entirely within the past month or so. and I REALLY LIKE IT. God has done that. i claim no part in it. my make-up style is completely radical and different than anyone around me. my hair colors are black, red, and blonde giant streaks (there are others with this style too.) and i prefer a scene 'mullet' style but have not had the chance to update the cut yet. and i LIKE IT. when i step out the door i feel confident about the way i look. all that said, i know God is not concerned with the outward appearance. if i was in a different place/situation maybe i would not be either. BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I DON'T WANT TO FOLLOW ANY PICTURE OR 'STYLE' GURU. i don't care if i am approved by people or not, i have found God approves of me. end of the story, finis. i would like people to approve, but human approval will change with the seasons, time, or if someone gets ticked off at me. God doesn't. He is constant and always approves ME (realize my actions and me are two different things. He will not always approve my actions, but He will always approve me. because my actions are at times dictated by what i just ate, how i feel, if i am upset/tired/happy etc. that is HUMAN. God is NOT.)

next.

i am learning what it is like to take every thought, emotion, hope, desire, - umm everything - to my Daddy. now. my picture of daddy and Daddy has recently changed. my Daddy (Father, God) i see in a blue three piece suit (i don't know why, but that is what i see. possibly because my dad was a sharp dresser and i believe God probably is too :).) He holds a brief case and is usually facing to my right, getting ready to work or leave for work. EVERY time i say 'Daddy.' the briefcase is IMMEDIATELY put down and He is facing me. i know i have His full attention and the work will wait, all day if i want it to. (there are all kinds of connections here for me - my dad and his desire to provide for the family with a steady job. God 'working' on me. God going about His daily - does He have 'days'??? - work... , etc.) He puts it all aside for me. ME. i know that any little thing, or big thing, He will hear and let me interact with Him about. crazy. knowing i have His total attention has broken through something in me. i feel love. it is not just the knowing part, it is real. and i feel such peace when i have finished pouring out my guts to Him.
that is all He wants. the best Friend, Confidant. an actual RELATIONSHIP. not only does He listen to me, but He offers council, shows me the truth of what is going on. puts my fears at rest - His perfect love casts out ALL fear. i will never be alone again. never be left on my own again. never be without hope again.

so if you are still with me after all that - know there is a reason and purpose. something grabbed your heart. something got your attention and may have even made it hard to breath. know what?? He wants that with you too. He will do anything to get you to come to Him. tell Him you hate Him, tell Him you hate what is going on. tell Him you have no hope and don't want to go on - know why? 'cuz He CAN do something about it. and if you let Him he will pull you close and love you in the midst of your mess, in the midst of being filthy and grossed out by who or what you are. He can and most importantly, greatly desires to pull you out of it.

God, help me. whatever You can do, do it.