Door Number??

first off - next tuesday is my b-day!!! i am so excited and i wish i could have a major party and celebrate, drum roll please ME (might read as a bit selfish. but God made an amazing woman. i am not good in, or of, myself, but He is mighty and wonderful. and He lives in me. i am His special creation and He loves me mucho.) i think He celebrated when He formed me in my mother's womb and i believe He dances over me and celebrates me every day. so i want a party day to celebrate His creation, even if it is me ;)..

next - seriousness.

for the following: i look back and know, how wonderful to grow up exactly where God placed me. my parents sought God and set about instructing my brother and i (yes i have a brother!!! and he is the coolest!!!) in the way we should go. they ran after God with their whole heart wanting to touch others with His love and goodness. they were GOOD parents. every need was provided and i do not remember ever hearing the following words from them my entire growing up. so as you read please know they are innocent.

my entire life i have lived out of these beliefs and it is astounding to me. since they are completely untrue.
i believe i was never wanted. i believe i was a mistake. i believe no one noticed me. i believe no one heard me, ever. i believe i can not get help tho i am so messed up and need it badly.

these non-truths show up all over in my actions (what we believe we WILL act out..). i often repeat myself over and over and over, trying in different ways to say the same thing 'no one noticed me or heard me, ever.'. i desperately want to know people like being with me and around me, 'i was never wanted.', i need to hear them and have constant reassurance. specially now, with what is going on personally and i am hearing that statement in my mind constantly. 'i believe i was a mistake.', having no real ambition, what does it matter? i was a mistake, no one really meant for me to be here anyway what difference am i making.

see how these things snowball?

the truth: Jeremiah 1:4-10
4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying,

5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew [a] you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

6 "Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."

7 But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.
Jeremiah 29:10-14
9 Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now, I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant."
10-11This is God's Word on the subject: "As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. 12"When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. 13-14"When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." God's Decree. "I'll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you"—God's Decree—"bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it.

these scriptures are just two examples i found quickly while searching biblegateway.com the word of God is FULL of passages that tell of His love for us: john 3:16 and here. God is all about showing us the value HE places in us. not that we are amazing ( 6 All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. Is 64:6), but that HE is amazing. He loves us when we are dirt and messed up. and each one of us is.

so, do i choose to believe what i have thought all my life and continue living that way? OR do i choose door number 2 and believe what God says. (remember, He made me - and u - and knows everything i am capable of [and folks left on my own i become, we all become, selfish, ambitious, fighting to get what we want when we want it, wicked...] incapable of, but still loves me. not that throw-it-around word 'love' but the perfect-only-for-my-good, always-in-every-way kind of love.) i think i want door number 2.

so like david did, i will pour out my grief, concerns, joys, strengths, weaknesses, hopes, dreams, disapointments, routine (learned that one today at women's group..), ....life to You, my God and King. One who knows me intimately and wants to hear it all ('cuz You know it already - and want me to say it out to You so i acknowledge it all... hehehe..). and You will turn it around, me upside-down, and show me the truth of my situation and those around me involved. God, i acknowledge You are the only good that comes out of my life. if there is anything good it is because of You alone. 'O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder, Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder, Thy power throughout the universe displayed. Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee, How great Thou art, How great Thou art.'