And Finally The End of Parade of Flowers

tadaaaaa
now for the finale. this is the beautiful arrangement bob picked out.













closeup of some purple-pink flowers (don't know the name... in 'solaris'.
loved this negative shot of one carnation



these purple flowers were great also in 'solaris'.

Birthday Rose

these are picts of my beautiful free birthday rose. thank you the master's flowers, and destiny church marriage conference.





this is a special setting on my camera - solaris. but the flower was amazing. i cried when i got it - long stem with baby's breath. smelled heavenly, beautiful.
so that was my free flower. the perfect rose.
thank you again.

Thanks Mom

alright mom, here are the pictures


here is a full view

side view - fancy smanchie


i really liked these peach roses - see the red buds there too



closeup of the red rose buds




mom, thank you for the beautiful anniversary flowers. it was such a joy to get them.

Bittersweet

yesterday was the last of the women's meetings for the summer. we sat at hunter park eating our picnic lunches. there were around 13 ladies, children, and one pup - i almost brought my dog too, but she was much bigger than the one that did come... soooo - still wish i brought her...
we had a time of sharing our favourite scripture for this season/testimony time. four shared testimonies. two shared privately later. (it is amazing the experiences we all have, God is good to us.) so the end comes.
i went on to work and chatted with my boss about the morning. we have such wonderful connection, truly a relationship brought by our loving Creator. i am blessed by her.
after work i called a friend and we went to see a midnight movie - loved getting out. felt great to go and do that. got home around 3:30 - bob was still at work so i got online and looked for vacations. went to bed around 4.
got up around 8:30 (how does that work anyway!!! thought i would be sleeping until at least 10....)
oh well....
until next time.

Purpose

WOOOHOOOO I GOT FLOWERS THIS MORNING!!!!

okay that said. i thought i left a post friday - but obviously forgot. hmmm that was a whole 24 hours ago - well the beginning of the day. slept in, oh yes. we slept in because it was a LATE thurs night. (i went to the movies with a friend and got home around 3am, bob came in around 3.30am - was still working....) movie was stinky but it was great to go to a midnight showing with my friend. oooh that was wed night....

friday, slept in. (had a late night thurs but not sure why..) bob was home before me - only had four hours of sleep wed night and went in early thurs morning. we went to a movie and then out to eat. oh yes, then went to some of the second hand stores to get bob some clothes to wear on his up and coming trip. got home and i watched him fix our broken kitchen chair and then work on stripping LAYERS of paint off a chair my grandmother had. i read and came in to bed around midnight. it was a nice full day out of doors.

then, THIS MORNING I GOT FLOWERS!!! just in case you did not get that in the first place. actually WE got flowers - our anniversary is tomorrow. mom sent us a beautiful bouquet. and they smell lovely.

when i got the call for directions this morning i was very excited. i jumped around the house and caught myself skipping. i love flowers, and they were delivered. that is even more exciting. so i guess i am done bragging. i did not mean to in the first place - i am just excited. i don't know if i have ever had delivery before - well once in high school, mom and dad sent me valentines roses. i was shocked. (and a guy that liked me sent me a bear with a rose - that was a treat)

all girls like delivery of some sort - that surprise and especially if it is in front of people. nothing like being honoured and having others know it. like a guy getting an award for .....

that is something God has been showing me. He celebrates me. now here is the disclaimer - this is not about saying that a specific person is so wonderful and we overlook bad behavior etc etc etc (and maybe that is not what i am saying) HOWEVER: God has created each one of us. He celebrates us - we need to celebrate His creation - us. there is a specific reason and purpose in store for us. He designed us before we were born. He is crazy about us, trying to put together wonderful dreams and lives for us. firstly - to know Him... period... He wants a relationship with ME. YOU. the end. THEN. He wants us to be fulfilled. our plan, purpose, destiny. whatever you want to call it.
there are a selected group of individuals that will connect with us, (and an even greater that won't - so don't take it personal. you probably have a group of people that want to connect with you and you would prefer they leave you alone... hehehe..) and He wants us to be able to reach that group of people. clue - you can't without Him. until you know Him and have a relationship with Him you will not be effective to reach THEM. and will go around asking - what is my purpose? or more realistically, no one likes me and i really find no reason to live... or any form of those words. when we finally see that God celebrates us. how we are His. then our entire outlook changes and we begin to see there is a reason for us. every freckle - He is 'excited' about it because it is unique to us, me. He rejoices over us - not our bad behaviour, us. we are separate from our stupid. He sees US, ME, YOU separate from our actions. and that is what He loves, never ceasing or changing.

i saw a young man yesterday, bob was trying on clothes at the time. the young man had these beautiful dresses in his hands. he is taking part in a beauty pageant. he tried them on and showed his family, they talked about how to fill in places on the dresses. he bought them. he was so excited about it he showed me a picture stored on his phone with his 'make-up' on.
stunned me.
he has no idea who he is. no idea who God made him to be. the hurt to find yourself not being who you are created to be. the ignoring of the very purpose you are here for. i hurt for him not knowing who he is. and now i realize there is a selected group, not knowing their purpose in life, that this young man can reach if the LIVING GOD, his Creator, gets hold of him. his Creator can show him who he is, really is. there in i place my hope for him.

Father, i ask you to draw this man to You. Your great love. It will change the way he sees himself, the very way he lives his life. to know You love him and ache to have him know You. draw him, don't let him get away from You. put the people in his path that will reach him. don't let me miss what You want me to do in this again. draw him. it is Your Will that he come to know You and know himself through You. in the name of Jesus bring Him to You. amen.

Quick

on to tuesday. it looks like it may rain ohhohh and then there is the sun..... and then the clouds.... and ahhhh here is the sun.

i am open to the rain. it has been quite hot the past few days and i would like to have a 'cool' night ;)

i will be getting ready for work here in the next few min but thought i would check in and leave a post.

have a great day.

Monday Catch-Up

monday - had a great weekend. bob took me out for supper saturday after giving me a dvd movie and potting soil. (long story short - been trying to plant some stuff and could not find the potting soil...) then we went to mayfest - a type of vendor showing their wares, bit overpriced too.. great night to be out.

somewhere in all that we saw some movies and hung out. it was wonderful to have that time with my husband. he is a great man.

and now it is back to work...

Here We Are Again, Nap Anyone?

here we are on saturday. my b-day week is almost over. i wore my b-day hat everyday at work. very exciting. looks like a pink dunce cap with 'happy birthday becca' written on it. (i thought it looked like a princess hat myself...)

went to see prince caspian friday at the 12:01 am showing - it was great!! also saw iron man with bob yesterday - enjoyable.

now i am ready for a nap. these switch from staying up all night for work to get up at 7 am mornings are real tough. there was a little stress to help me wake up earlier - keys would not work in doors.... but now that is taken care of and i need recovery sleep... is that actually something i can find a medical term for??

could be that i am real tired, i also just can't shake this sad feeling that is following me around. i am not sure where it stems from. i feel disconnected. not sure what to do just yet..

well that is it for now.

later.

Thank You

alright - mom has it figured out. anyone else want to leave comments please feel free to.

and thanks mom..

How To Leave A Comment

i keep hearing about people trying to leave a comment. so this is my best understanding of how to do it

click the comment link under my post. it is in blue and usually has a number 0 or however many comments have been made..., and then the word 'comments' . you will be directed to another 'web page'. in the box under 'leave your comment' you can type there what you would like to leave.

after typing your comment fill out the word verification. see the crazy printed letters - fill in the box with what you see.

next you will see something like this:

Choose an identity

Google/Blogger

then two boxes to fill in your username and password. if you do not have the gmail account or a blog through google blog do not fill this out.

No Google Account? Sign up here.
You can also use your Blogger account.
do not use this unless you WANT a gmail account or blogger account.

next:

OpenID

OpenID LiveJournal WordPress TypePad AIM

Name/URL

Name
URL

Anonymous

leave the dot in google/blogger only if you have a gmail email account or if you use google to blog. otherwise you can use 'openid' - which if you have another blog through one of the choices that pop up after putting the dot in that choice, you can sign in under.
if you choose 'name/url' you will simply put your name in and if you have a web site or link you want to leave you can put it under that box.
'anonymous' lets you leave a comment without your name if you so choose.

for my test i chose the 'name/url'. i put my name in as 'checkin' and left a comment here.

you now have the option of 'publish your comment' or 'preview' at some point you will have to click the 'publish your comment' button.

i hope that helps. again thank you very much for leaving the comments. it is great to know people are reading. :)

Day After

yesterday was great!! bob sang 'the birthday song' to me first thing in the morning, then some gals from work called and sang. i got some great things in the mail. (i ordered some stuff for myself off ebay - ty mom for the money). i had gotten a card and $ from mom. also got a card, $, and gift cards + some poppy seed for planting (i am EXCITED about that too..) from my in-laws.

i wore some of my new make-up to work and there was a little party planned. i came in and found balloons, cake (cherry, vanilla dr. pepper. yess, dr. pepper.), a musical candle, card, birthday girl ribbon, a gift bag with a journal and scented reed difuser in lavendar. folks came out clapping and singing like i was in a restaurant. it was great!!! and a friend from work sent me this. what a riot.

this morning some of the girls in the music department got me a gift bag with bath/spa items in rose garden, and candle holders, with a card. it was a wonderful surprise. then i was given the choice of restaurant for our ladie's lunch (pressure!!). it was great - not the restaurant - the ladies meeting and time fellowshipping. i have loved this group and singing has been such an honor. this was the last official meeting until fall. i will greatly miss everyone - so we have to do something during the summer months!!!

and tonight at work i am just zonked. i am so ready for a nap, a long nap.

you can still leave a comment on my b-day blog - i have 6 so far and would love to get all 31. thank you to the folks that took the time to check in and leave me comments. i am grateful that you did that.

next??? i hope to see prince caspian this weekend... later peeps

IT IS HERE!!!

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY

alright all - here is your chance. i ask you to leave a comment here for me. i am 31 today and hope to get 31 comments before the day is gone. please call your friends and ask them to post. i know it is a pain and you have to read strange characters, but it is a cheap gift - a little of your time - just leave a message.

thanks all.

Having Fun

alrighty - i am home. long flight - got up somewhere around 3am (i know i know it was az time and really 5....). i am TIRED.

i am sitting here at work with a pink 'hat' made from paper. it says 'happy birthday becca'. (sorry mom, the tiara broke, piece of junk.... i was going to pin it to my necklace for 'bling' but it was kind of kookie...)

it was a GREAT weekend. mom was so excited, sam pulled a great story together, and i showed up - finally. an hour late... and it was hard to leave. i was there long enough to get the time adjustment and leave again. and my regret is that i did not spend the time chatting with sam or mom like i wanted. the upside: how cool was it to get a plane ticket on wed night for under $300 round trip, and SURPRISE my mom. i am still giddy about it.

there is nothing like hanging with a mom that loves so much.

we worked in her yard - i credit working with bob in the yard. found i enjoy doing that kind of stuff. i trimmed her neighbour's trees - only what was hanging over the fence almost to the ground.... it looked great. trimmed up the ivy invading her fence too. (ty again to bob - i saw the amazing way our bushes shaped up after he trimmed them and had plenty of confidence to do the job.)

sunday we went to black angus and then to iron man (enjoyed both) after church - courtesy of sam. what a great gift!!

i am going to wear this 'hat' all week to celebrate. thinking of putting a note on the door tomorrow 'please wish receptionist happy birthday.' so cool :). i think i am getting a lot of positive response tonight. a few have asked me my age and then been choked up when i tell them... hmm a few guessed early 20s. that is crazy. wonder if it is the 'look' or a 'child-like' quality? i am ok with either. i am having a blast with it.

night.

Flyleaf - All Around Me

check this

and this

i like this song

Updating Pictures of Our Clean Up and THE BEES

alright here are some pictures to update the blog entry on the bee swarm in our tree (i think i wrote about that anyway....), and the yard clean up bob and i have been working on the past weekends..
first off here are the bees:




this green...whatever (but it is BIG and purty) is just out front of our door. here is a pict of the pink and white azaleas (and a bush that will disappear sooner or later..)

azalea growing infront of the evergreen bush.wide view of the front corner.
kind of can see the white rose bush and of course the pink bush. (my 'gardening' stuff on the left..)
closeup of pink bush (look tiny little buds...)
beautiful - i took one to work with me. i love flowers (what girl doesn't??).
backup view
bob cleaned up those bushes on the right - really made it look good. we cleared out the flowerbed and you can actually see dirt now...

overall pict of the newly cleaned out front.
here is the garbage

and that wraps up the picts.

SURPRISE

today i flew to az to see my mother. (and brother too....!!!) she knew nothing of it and actually thought they were picking up one of my brother's friends. i called her as i was walking toward them to distract her. she could not believe her eyes when she saw me - looked like those people that win the lottery and can't believe it. (YEAH!!)

kudos to my bro - he pulled off a very creative scenario and mom was totally shocked.

God is so good - He even helped me keep the secret. blessed me to be able to do this and i will never forget mom's excitement - she did not cry, but yealped there in the airport. i am so excited to be here. i have been telling my Daddy thank You all day, for two days - did not know i was coming until wed night when i talked it over with my treasure, he saw the definate goodness in the trip (ty honey). God is so good to us.

also have to give a shout to tina - her trip with her mom to tx this weekend got me thinking how cool it would be if.... and God did the rest.
have a great night.

Good Stuff

hey all. i would like to start by saying - i am sorry for the length of this one. i can't see it being short in anyway... that said - read on..

i am sitting here eating my egg and avocado spring mix salad - which i was craving and did not know it - with my newly painted, black toenails - the paint is black and i feel radical - totally excited about a few things that will probably turn into several things, and may explode into more after that. the more i ponder - okay i am not pondering at all just letting my thoughts wonder and being amazed at the enormity of what i am seeing... read on..

the black polish - all my growing up existance (and most of everyone elses too) i have done what i could to be accepted by others. wanted to have the right look, be in the right group (way too scared to get too involved tho..), find someone that would 'get me in'. as i sat painting my toes, i realized again - i really like what i see. for the first time in my life i like what is reflecting back at me in the mirror, even without make-up. i tend to follow trends and try to look like the picts - but have gone a different way entirely within the past month or so. and I REALLY LIKE IT. God has done that. i claim no part in it. my make-up style is completely radical and different than anyone around me. my hair colors are black, red, and blonde giant streaks (there are others with this style too.) and i prefer a scene 'mullet' style but have not had the chance to update the cut yet. and i LIKE IT. when i step out the door i feel confident about the way i look. all that said, i know God is not concerned with the outward appearance. if i was in a different place/situation maybe i would not be either. BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I DON'T WANT TO FOLLOW ANY PICTURE OR 'STYLE' GURU. i don't care if i am approved by people or not, i have found God approves of me. end of the story, finis. i would like people to approve, but human approval will change with the seasons, time, or if someone gets ticked off at me. God doesn't. He is constant and always approves ME (realize my actions and me are two different things. He will not always approve my actions, but He will always approve me. because my actions are at times dictated by what i just ate, how i feel, if i am upset/tired/happy etc. that is HUMAN. God is NOT.)

next.

i am learning what it is like to take every thought, emotion, hope, desire, - umm everything - to my Daddy. now. my picture of daddy and Daddy has recently changed. my Daddy (Father, God) i see in a blue three piece suit (i don't know why, but that is what i see. possibly because my dad was a sharp dresser and i believe God probably is too :).) He holds a brief case and is usually facing to my right, getting ready to work or leave for work. EVERY time i say 'Daddy.' the briefcase is IMMEDIATELY put down and He is facing me. i know i have His full attention and the work will wait, all day if i want it to. (there are all kinds of connections here for me - my dad and his desire to provide for the family with a steady job. God 'working' on me. God going about His daily - does He have 'days'??? - work... , etc.) He puts it all aside for me. ME. i know that any little thing, or big thing, He will hear and let me interact with Him about. crazy. knowing i have His total attention has broken through something in me. i feel love. it is not just the knowing part, it is real. and i feel such peace when i have finished pouring out my guts to Him.
that is all He wants. the best Friend, Confidant. an actual RELATIONSHIP. not only does He listen to me, but He offers council, shows me the truth of what is going on. puts my fears at rest - His perfect love casts out ALL fear. i will never be alone again. never be left on my own again. never be without hope again.

so if you are still with me after all that - know there is a reason and purpose. something grabbed your heart. something got your attention and may have even made it hard to breath. know what?? He wants that with you too. He will do anything to get you to come to Him. tell Him you hate Him, tell Him you hate what is going on. tell Him you have no hope and don't want to go on - know why? 'cuz He CAN do something about it. and if you let Him he will pull you close and love you in the midst of your mess, in the midst of being filthy and grossed out by who or what you are. He can and most importantly, greatly desires to pull you out of it.

God, help me. whatever You can do, do it.

God's Power In My Life

power. freedom. ability.

knowing i am accepted

tho i am

• foul in my thinking

• dirty inside

• have no good intentions for another

• selfish throughout

• unable to love

wicked

knowing i am accepted AND loved
while in the midst of those behaviours

priceless truth

how then, could i NOT become something more?

Happy Mother's Day.. Early ;)

My Mom

is strong. she would never say so, and if you told her this she would baulk and tell you just how weak she has been. she knows where her battle lies and keeps on fighting.
doesn't give up. throughout the toughest situations she has stuck to her guns. crawling when she can't walk.
loves. just plain loves people. she radiates love and people can feel it.
smiles. her smile lights up her face. it draws people in and puts them at ease. her eyes sparkle and she can't help the laugh that escapes her mouth. and she has one for everyone.
is easy to get along with. she just rolls with whatever.
knows what is important. she keeps to the code that is best. gives her problems the proper place and lets go of what she can.
is teachable. desires to learn and put into action what she knows.
is giving. i can't tell you how many lives she has touched. we may never know - and it spreads out from person to person. her desire has always been to be sure others had what they need.
is kind. has something nice that she says or does for people.
is happy for others. when good things happen she is glad for the blessings others receive.
gives credit to others. she doesn't blow her own horn.
is gracious. she is not one to cut others off in conversation or push her point. she is give and take in relationships, doing her best to be in balance.
looks our for others. she does her best to bless them. going so far as to put their needs before her own.
is forgiving. she easily forgets ;). there is no list of 'make-up mistakes' with her.
loves the truth. she is excited when the truth comes out. wants it to be heard.

do you know why my mama is this way???

Huh? Huh? HUH??? do you??

because through her life she has turned her face to the One who Heals, Delivers, Saves us and brings us through our circumstances. she has pursued Him when it was not convenient and there were other things to do. even from a place of incredible weakness and hurt she cries:

'Abba, Father!!! You are my only HOPE.'

Door Number??

first off - next tuesday is my b-day!!! i am so excited and i wish i could have a major party and celebrate, drum roll please ME (might read as a bit selfish. but God made an amazing woman. i am not good in, or of, myself, but He is mighty and wonderful. and He lives in me. i am His special creation and He loves me mucho.) i think He celebrated when He formed me in my mother's womb and i believe He dances over me and celebrates me every day. so i want a party day to celebrate His creation, even if it is me ;)..

next - seriousness.

for the following: i look back and know, how wonderful to grow up exactly where God placed me. my parents sought God and set about instructing my brother and i (yes i have a brother!!! and he is the coolest!!!) in the way we should go. they ran after God with their whole heart wanting to touch others with His love and goodness. they were GOOD parents. every need was provided and i do not remember ever hearing the following words from them my entire growing up. so as you read please know they are innocent.

my entire life i have lived out of these beliefs and it is astounding to me. since they are completely untrue.
i believe i was never wanted. i believe i was a mistake. i believe no one noticed me. i believe no one heard me, ever. i believe i can not get help tho i am so messed up and need it badly.

these non-truths show up all over in my actions (what we believe we WILL act out..). i often repeat myself over and over and over, trying in different ways to say the same thing 'no one noticed me or heard me, ever.'. i desperately want to know people like being with me and around me, 'i was never wanted.', i need to hear them and have constant reassurance. specially now, with what is going on personally and i am hearing that statement in my mind constantly. 'i believe i was a mistake.', having no real ambition, what does it matter? i was a mistake, no one really meant for me to be here anyway what difference am i making.

see how these things snowball?

the truth: Jeremiah 1:4-10
4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying,

5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew [a] you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

6 "Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."

7 But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.
Jeremiah 29:10-14
9 Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now, I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant."
10-11This is God's Word on the subject: "As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. 12"When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. 13-14"When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." God's Decree. "I'll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you"—God's Decree—"bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it.

these scriptures are just two examples i found quickly while searching biblegateway.com the word of God is FULL of passages that tell of His love for us: john 3:16 and here. God is all about showing us the value HE places in us. not that we are amazing ( 6 All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. Is 64:6), but that HE is amazing. He loves us when we are dirt and messed up. and each one of us is.

so, do i choose to believe what i have thought all my life and continue living that way? OR do i choose door number 2 and believe what God says. (remember, He made me - and u - and knows everything i am capable of [and folks left on my own i become, we all become, selfish, ambitious, fighting to get what we want when we want it, wicked...] incapable of, but still loves me. not that throw-it-around word 'love' but the perfect-only-for-my-good, always-in-every-way kind of love.) i think i want door number 2.

so like david did, i will pour out my grief, concerns, joys, strengths, weaknesses, hopes, dreams, disapointments, routine (learned that one today at women's group..), ....life to You, my God and King. One who knows me intimately and wants to hear it all ('cuz You know it already - and want me to say it out to You so i acknowledge it all... hehehe..). and You will turn it around, me upside-down, and show me the truth of my situation and those around me involved. God, i acknowledge You are the only good that comes out of my life. if there is anything good it is because of You alone. 'O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder, Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder, Thy power throughout the universe displayed. Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee, How great Thou art, How great Thou art.'

Real Quick - Maybe...

i was reading a blog posting here and i noticed a little way down in the article the song 'unbreakable' is based on the woman caught in adultery from john 8:1-11. Jesus comes over and stands between her and the crowd wanting to stone (kill her dead) her.

i nearly gasped. there have been times when i have wondered where my 'big brother' is. you know the one that steps in and beats the bullies back... it hit me in the gut - Jesus did that. He stood in between our consequences and us. it is powerful - use your imagination on this one if you have to.. there is the horde of nasties coming at you, you know you are going to be crushed and there is no survival or way out... and Jesus steps in... He miraculously stops the entire group from mauling you. and He gets every one of them, none slip by..

so why do you not 'feel' free? that is what you take to Daddy and say 'help me'. He is more than capable, because Jesus stepped in for you and stopped the mass of nastiness that was coming your way.

catch the video here

Morning Revelation

i sat this morning to pray the Lord's Prayer and found i could not get past 'our Father'.

we are told to come to Him as little children, with child-like faith. but when you don't know what child-like faith is, what it is to trust completely and know that you are heard and accepted, that your needs will be met - all of them... well how do you go to your Father, God and know He will hear you, believe you?

i can see myself as a child standing before my Daddy (God), i don't know it yet, but i desperately want to have Him grab me and hold me close. the closest i get is 'i'm messed up here and need You to restore me.'

He takes this black mass out of my heart and begins to replace it.

i realize that He is holding back. i am not letting Him get a hold of me.

i go to Him and ask for something - it is a need, but not the REAL need. really i need His arms around me, holding me so close i know He doesn't want to let me go...

'finally' He says. 'finally I get to hold you close.' and i am undone.

i need to trust Him, i need restoration, to know how to trust Him with child-like faith, i am accepted, wanted, loved, believed... what i REALLY needed - His embrace.

He DOESN'T WANT TO LET ME GO. that is what i need. it is what He has been wanting to give me, but since i would not let Him touch me He settled with trying to fix me the best He could... not total.

He put His hand on my head and i was calmed (i had been sobbing). He placed His hand over my heart and i knew He would heal all the hurts. i could see in my mind He wanted to place His hand on my stomach - the core of my soul was what it appeared as - but did not because i am too sensitive there, He will get to that area when i am able.

He then put that arm around me and held me. peace filled me, i had questions but they were stilled 'that is not what you are here for' and i knew He was right. that situation in His capable hands, i was here to experience His love. He will restore that child innocence because He wants me to come to Him like that. unhampered by anything.

there is a lot to go through, but He is faithful. He desires that i come to Him.

i have been reading through the psalms. often what i see there seems so contradictory - the verses begin in anguish, anger, whatever is happening is blatantly spoken to God. every complaint. the verses end with thanking God for doing what needs to be done and declaring that david is right before God. honestly people, should we not have an open relationship with our Creator? should we not be able to come to Him with 'i hate this >>>. and i am angry that >>>>.'

because i have noticed when i speak these words to my Daddy, He shows me the truth... i don't hate >>> i am frustrated at the situation and very angry that the enemy is stepping all over my ground.

i love the people, and want the best for them - because the love of God is in me working its way out of me. there is great depth of compassion and love in me - God Himself is in residence there.
so let us pour out our heartfelt complaint to Him - He will hear us and believe us. then He will show us the truth, heal us and restore us to Him, making us brand new.

Monday

i am catching up on blogs - and laundry (which there seems to be a proliferation of, like rabbits in a cage..) - today. i have made it through four washes and 2 dry loads. (the dryer is just not quick at all. and i think the setting for testing the amount of moisture and it is dry according to that standard - is WAY off. the clothes still are pretty damp.) i am hoping to get another load finished before i have to head out for work. time flies sometimes... hmm that may be a thread throughout this blog.
sunday was my cousin's b-day. i didn't do a darn thing for her either. actually i am unsure the last time i did anything for her. we are nine days apart and used to have roller-skating parties 'the bomb' of parties. i loved skating. and only recently have i 'learned' to ice skate - ty bob. i miss those parties. we skated for hours and would get blisters on our feet, even with two layers of socks. (and it was cool to wear those two layers at the time, one scrunched below the other so you had two colors showing..) so i didn't do anything for her. feeling a bit jerky about that. guess i will have to give her a call... and if i keep on i will really beat myself up about it and that will do no good 'tall.
this weekend was wonderful. i love working in our 'flowerbeds'. they are needing major work - well they needed major work. i will try to get some picts up of all the garbage taken off/out and show you all the wonderful job bob did with it all. i basically tore stuff out and made piles for clean up. bob trimmed and shaped the bushes on the side of our house. cleaned out all the ivy and transplanted some to the backyard fence - hoping for privacy cover. just have to see if i can get the picts uploaded - don't have the plug-ins/software for this new (i luv it) software.
we also have a swarm of bees in the tree that bob cleared out a hunk of dead limbs from. the bees were not there while clearing but showed up just in time to cut off mowing the lawn. so the grass will grow a bit more and we will (okay, bob will) take care of the stinging friends. research showed that honey-bees should leave in a day or two. and i am counting...
so along with these two things (see top).. i have asked God for an awareness of His presence throughout today. i want to know that i am accepted and loved. it seems that i keep having this hang up - needing to know i am loved and accepted 'specially since i see so much junk in my life. He told me i have a hard time trusting Him. 'why? why would i have such a hard time trusting You when everything You have done has been good. what i see from You is goodness.' He replied that i don't trust Him because things didn't happen when i hoped they would (my timing), or how i hoped that it would (lightning striking those bad guys while in the act of badness..). and that let fear rule me. His perfect love casts out all fear. this is why i need to know His love. it will set me free from those fears. He is for my good always, He doesn't know how to be anything but love, goodness. His character. just as His name is God, His name is love, hope, grace, mercy. He is the essence of those things perfected, no ill will in Him.
Father, Daddy - get this in me. clear out what is in the way. heal me.

Capture Three Day Events

friday - was spent in the yard. boy does it look great.

bob trimmed bushes and i cleaned out the beds. then he removed a couple of bushes that were out of control and an evergreen tree. we can actually see out the front door. i am so excited. there is an area where the grass has begun to take over in one of the beds - i will need to get out there and get that pulled up and cleaned up, but it is amazing the difference in our front yard and the side.

saturday i was SICK. started early in the morning right after midnight. and i was up all night and throughout the morning. spend the day in bed or on the couch. so not much to report there - food poisoning, not sure from where but it was horrid.

sunday i am still experiencing upset stomach and slept a lot. sooo not much is going to happen today. i may head out side to read for a bit, but i am not staying up too long. still not able to eat much, but i did get 7up/sprite and a package of plain saltiness down.. :) yeah.

short one today too :)

Short One

thursday - yeah, means that i can go to bed and not think about work until friday night... wait, did i type that correctly? (basically i mean i don't go to work until sat morning...)

i am tired tonight. bob is working late tonight - okay, he works late every night he works... and i have got about an hour of typing to do still. soooo my plan is to keep this one short...(does THAT every happen??)

been a nice day. i think we are expecting storms tonight, the air feels WET.

went to a b-day for co-worker and then off to hang with a friend this afternoon. we sat outside and i am pink now... and a bit sore from the sunburn. wow, now it is red.. might feel that tomorrow too.

made it to work and through tonight. not bad actually, but when you are tired it drags on.

caught up on a blog or two and i am now ready to finish this one...

look ma, short :)
night