Realizing Again

psalms 37-40. reading through these chapters in psalms brought me to the point, realizing in fact that i am so human and, dare i say, normal. seeing david give glory to God for all He has/is doing. i was reminded of the high i was flying with while i did that. standing on how good God has been through this trial (i would like to call it tribulation, but it may not be that BIG actually....), it was amazing. nothing could be brought to my attention that i did not have scripture to back up how God was going to take care of it all and how good He is.

THEN in 38 he begins by asking God to calm down and not beat on him anymore. he lamented about the pain and anguish, the tough times he was in and on and on. i definitely could relate with this. (was that the part where i got my eyes on myself....) the description used in the translation i was reading is exactly how i felt. i wanted to plead my case, i waited and said nothing. then i knew i should still not speak out, and yet i found myself spitting out all the sordid details anyway. over and over and over. i kept trying to shut my mouth and someone would ask, there it was again. God telling me the whole time, 'I will defend you, I will prove you. Keep it shut and see Me deliver you.' i complained to Him, i complained to others, i complained to myself... over and over. i would hear the words coming out of my mouth and just be unable to stop them, all the while thinking – this is so wrong....

i have spent the past two – three days trying to locate the instance i lost the good stuff of God. and i believe it happened when i messed up and instead of quickly giving myself back to God, i focused on my behavior and how base i was/am. it kicked me in the gut and had me. i also listened to what someone else said about me and let that sink in, wondering how i missed those evil actions, and why i was such a rotten person.

(ONCE AGAIN FOLKS – God never says those things about me/us. He may get in my face about my actions, but until He does i can not worry/concern myself with those actions. i can only deal with what He shows me. i am powerless to change myself. only He can show me the behavior and change it!)

God had shown me something specific and given me directions for what He showed me. i disobeyed and messed it up, totally giving open access to the enemy in my heart. and instead of receiving the forgiveness God was offering i sat on it and poured over my actions - forgetting THE action Christ did.

i did not think i was going to get out of all that. i am so glad God loves me and is persistent. He even brought people along to help me climb out – they may have carried me out actually. it was pretty bleak for a bit.

i finished up with psalms 40 speaking once again about God's provision and His way of bringing life to the situation as i trust Him and give Him myself. i laughed with tears in my eyes. totally unsure if i was actually crying except there was so much joy and humor at the condition i am in. knowing full well that God, Himself, is acting on my behalf, even with me.

He defends me to me – can you grasp that? there is such an onslaught of evil to steal who we are and the knowledge of Who's we are that i think God at times has to defend us to ourselves. 'I never say that about you, you are My beloved, chosen. I am unashamed to call you My friend. ...'(that was more of a personal note to me, not sure if those exact words are located as scripture verse or not, i do know that He does call me His beloved and chosen..)

i laughed because i have spoken of God's mercy and goodness to groups of people and not a week later been slammed with questioning that very goodness and mercy. just like david was saying in 40 vs. 9- end of chapter. boldly telling others how good He has been and turning around to overwhelming and defeating odds. yet knowing that God would deliver him.

once again – being unbalanced, loosing sight of center, God. He is the perspective i need, the One who offers all i need and makes it happen.

i can so easily get overloaded with all that i should be doing and am not, all that shows i am God's daughter, but not walking in. it is here, where i must draw the line and let God work in my life. i truly want goodness to flow out from my heart. He is so good and will see that it happens. (just trust Him. say it over and over to myself...) actually He works in me to be able to trust Him. funny/strange He gives me the desire, the will, the strength, the ability, the power, all i need actually. i just set my face and make the decision, take the first step. go figure, simple right?