i remember four years ago my dad was talking to me about a "blog" he had just set up. he said it was sort of like an online diary. i wondered why on earth anyone would want to "blog" or why anyone would want to read another's entries. well lookie here.... i guess it caught on.
my dad was, well i had a lot of bad ideas about him. turns out the eyes of a little girl can be so completely wrong, or at least they can be focused on the wrong parts of people. the more i step out of the little girl eyes the more i see of him. he loved people with a huge heart. he was a pastor and wanted to have people connect. he was broken and wanted to be whole. he wanted others to be whole and wondered about his part in it all, wondering if he really could help others when he, himself, needed so much. he was a wonderful artist - still has paintings on display. he did sign work for businesses and made brochures. even had a small business out of our home at one time. he did wonderful web design and artistry. he cared for, and watched my grandmother - his mother - for the last part of her life. and it broke him more.
he was involved in the government of our little town, until he saw he was not able to make an impact there. he tried very hard to make an impact on people and in situations he was in.
he was a good dad. did everything he could to provide a wonderful place to live. he loved my mother deeply. i remember a situation that happened and mom got hurt, she had gotten dressed up to go with me somewhere and it got messed up. he stood right up and took her out to dinner. he took her out and made sure he showed her how much he loved her and she meant to him. he was a great man.
he wanted to spend time with us kids and did what he could to be involved in our every activity. work kept him a lot of the time, but he loved that we were involved in school stuff and things during the summer.
he was crushed when his little girl was diagnosed with diabetes. stopped his world. i have no idea how he and mom made it through all that time, all the questions and wondering what they had done wrong. dad took it personal that i was diabetic. it put such a strain on our time together. must have been hard to keep seeing his failure over and over. i loved my daddy. i hope he saw that. he was the coolest guy to me.
he managed to stand when my brother was diagnosed with kidney problems. he and mom gathered the church and saw sam delivered from all kinds of kidney problems. surgery went through and sam was better. amazing man able to continue trusting God when appearances seemed so heavy. good man.
dad had a wonderful voice too. he spoke on the radio. when he sang his singing voice would rumble in his chest and i could feel it vibrate. he wanted me to be the best i could be, he took disciplining me very seriously. he was a great dad.
i wish i could tell him how great i think he is, was. i am sorry that i never fully told him what was in my heart. until recently i never knew how to look at him. i didn't see that my Daddy, God, looks at all of us with compassion. He sees how we want to be and not how we are.
my dad wanted to be good, he wanted to be the best papa a girl ever had. he wanted to be a great son, wonderful husband, good friend, skilled artist/pastor/writer/vocal-radio personality/everything he could be. he had a good heart. he was a good man. and God saw.
God sees the best of us because He looks through Jesus. He sees that perfect sacrifice for our mess-ups and God sees us complete. i am just learning this. i want to be like this. i want to see the good and not focus on the stuff i see. God gave me eyes to see what i see and a voice that will talk of what i see to Him, ears to hear what He says in return. He gave me senses to use for His glory and i will use them for Him. i will see what He sees in people - the treasure, valuable. i will speak what He says about people - His great love for them, His desire for them to be free in Him. i will hear what He says about them and agree with it. what a beautiful place.
i love my Daddy. and papa i love you. i am sorry i was never able to tell you how much i loved you. you were the best i could have asked for.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Peace That Passes Understanding
i have been going over things today. i realize that i am a human. i have acted as a human. there is NOTHING i have done that was not a human reaction. i have asked to be forgiven and done all i can to make amends. now it is out of my hands. and i am human, not expected to be perfect as Christ is in everything i do. (i sure wish i could have done everything perfect, but knowing that is impassable....) i want to act the way Jesus would act so i am studying the Word and praying for help. i will still act human, but that is okay because no one is perfect or will be perfect. i know THE ONE that has saved me and i trust in Him. He will continue to work in my life and help me be what i am to be.
i have someone in my life that is acting like a human, they are having a human reaction to the way i have been. and that is okay, because they too are human. they know the Word of God sets them free and they are in God's hands. only He can make a change in this situation. and i can let them go because they are human and behave as a human. i can not expect Christ to walk in and take over their actions or decisions. so i am alright. and i know they will be alright.
it doesn't always make the situation easier, but it sure keeps me in peace - knowing God has it under control. and when i realized all this is just human actions somehow i got a little picture of being free to be who i am and letting them be who they are right now. when i have done all i can and am trusting God to do all He can, then i have peace. and i have peace.
love to you all,
becca
i have someone in my life that is acting like a human, they are having a human reaction to the way i have been. and that is okay, because they too are human. they know the Word of God sets them free and they are in God's hands. only He can make a change in this situation. and i can let them go because they are human and behave as a human. i can not expect Christ to walk in and take over their actions or decisions. so i am alright. and i know they will be alright.
it doesn't always make the situation easier, but it sure keeps me in peace - knowing God has it under control. and when i realized all this is just human actions somehow i got a little picture of being free to be who i am and letting them be who they are right now. when i have done all i can and am trusting God to do all He can, then i have peace. and i have peace.
love to you all,
becca
Thursday, March 20, 2008
God Is The Best
this past week i was fasting so that i could use the time to seek God on some issues. i usually do not fast (go without) food. i decided part of what i would give up would be the ways of escaping.
i used to use food. when i wanted to stuff pain or forget how i felt about things i would be a constant presence in the kitchen. i got more exercise going to the kitchen from the couch than if i simply went out for a 15 minute walk.
i also use movies - we don't have tv exactly for this reason. it eats up so much time. i would plug in a dvd and then another and all of a sudden the light of day was gone and the moon high in the sky. an entire day wasted. i also would just sit and waste time doing nothing.
so i decided to give some of that stuff up. i found avoiding the things was easy enough, but seeking God the time i would have spent doing those things was another story. take a movie for example - 2 hours. i can read my Bible and pray for about an hour, and i have to add in some praise and worship. i can find i am almost at two hours if i sing and praise WHILE cleaning or doing SOMETHING. (which kind of defeats the purpose of setting the time aside and seeking God.) but SEEKING God. not just talking at Him, but listening, waiting.
waiting is hard for me. i don't like the whole patience thing, and i would like things to happen instantly..... they don't. so my choice is - to wait. (umm my waiting looks like this - peace for about 3 minutes, "God, what do You want me to do with this *emotion* - insert any word in for emotion... - silence or "nothing, I told you to be still." then quiet for about 45 seconds "God i will pray for *so and so* "umm, becca, how is this being still?" "i know i know, but it is so hard for me to be patient, help me." and then i go on for a few minutes praying for strength and the desire to be patient. sounds like a lot of work.) see i don't yet have the full picture: God doesn't need me doing anything, my works do not get the situation taken care of. He wants me to spend time with Him. He is jealous and wants me, full attention and all.
14 For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:
relief. that takes the fear out of my heart and the pressure to watch my every action and motive and if i mess it up getting pummeled, off of me. i can finally just live. no catch. i know i can't do this by myself, that is why i daily come to Him and ask help, asking over and over sometimes. (i am still having a hard time coming to Him minute by minute for help - some days are just so tough - i forget that it sometimes takes that, a minute by minute cry for help when things are so frantic and my emotions are in a whirl.)
i just want to be free. able to not see my location as in dark and scary places. i don't want to be alone or on my own. i don't want to hurt others. i don't want to be scared. "cool." He says "I AM good with all that. I don't want it for you either. I want you to be free. I want you to see yourself the way I see you. I don't want you to ever think you are alone. in fact I will put it in scripture that you can stand on 'I will never leave you or forsake you'. I love you with an unending love and it is my good pleasure to give you what you have asked in My Name. you are My Beloved Daughter and no one, and no situation, no where you are and no where you go, will ever change My love for you. be accepted in My Beloved."
who would not want to hear that? all proven in the Bible. God IS Love. and love wants the best.
i used to use food. when i wanted to stuff pain or forget how i felt about things i would be a constant presence in the kitchen. i got more exercise going to the kitchen from the couch than if i simply went out for a 15 minute walk.
i also use movies - we don't have tv exactly for this reason. it eats up so much time. i would plug in a dvd and then another and all of a sudden the light of day was gone and the moon high in the sky. an entire day wasted. i also would just sit and waste time doing nothing.
so i decided to give some of that stuff up. i found avoiding the things was easy enough, but seeking God the time i would have spent doing those things was another story. take a movie for example - 2 hours. i can read my Bible and pray for about an hour, and i have to add in some praise and worship. i can find i am almost at two hours if i sing and praise WHILE cleaning or doing SOMETHING. (which kind of defeats the purpose of setting the time aside and seeking God.) but SEEKING God. not just talking at Him, but listening, waiting.
waiting is hard for me. i don't like the whole patience thing, and i would like things to happen instantly..... they don't. so my choice is - to wait. (umm my waiting looks like this - peace for about 3 minutes, "God, what do You want me to do with this *emotion* - insert any word in for emotion... - silence or "nothing, I told you to be still." then quiet for about 45 seconds "God i will pray for *so and so* "umm, becca, how is this being still?" "i know i know, but it is so hard for me to be patient, help me." and then i go on for a few minutes praying for strength and the desire to be patient. sounds like a lot of work.) see i don't yet have the full picture: God doesn't need me doing anything, my works do not get the situation taken care of. He wants me to spend time with Him. He is jealous and wants me, full attention and all.
14 For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:
Ex 34:14 (King James Version)
14 (Never worship any other god, because the Lord is a God who does not tolerate rivals. In fact, he is known for not tolerating rivals.)
Ex 34:14 (God's Word)
God is jealous over me - over us. He wants nothing in His way with us. He wants to meet my needs, and give me the desire of my heart, but first He wants me to Himself. all of me to Himself. i am not to get needs met any other way except through the One Who Loves me. i would not be faithful to Him by going to people or my job (places where i feel part of something) asking for provision, love, help, my needs. He is not jealous like a human - hurting us or demand we do things their way, He draws us with His great love and kindness.
in honesty - why would i want to go to God if He were not loving and kind. i don't want a relationship with Him if He is full of wrath and looking to destroy me because i have messed up. i want someone that will love me in spite of my incompleteness, in point of fact because i am incomplete. He can make me complete.
relief. that takes the fear out of my heart and the pressure to watch my every action and motive and if i mess it up getting pummeled, off of me. i can finally just live. no catch. i know i can't do this by myself, that is why i daily come to Him and ask help, asking over and over sometimes. (i am still having a hard time coming to Him minute by minute for help - some days are just so tough - i forget that it sometimes takes that, a minute by minute cry for help when things are so frantic and my emotions are in a whirl.)
i just want to be free. able to not see my location as in dark and scary places. i don't want to be alone or on my own. i don't want to hurt others. i don't want to be scared. "cool." He says "I AM good with all that. I don't want it for you either. I want you to be free. I want you to see yourself the way I see you. I don't want you to ever think you are alone. in fact I will put it in scripture that you can stand on 'I will never leave you or forsake you'. I love you with an unending love and it is my good pleasure to give you what you have asked in My Name. you are My Beloved Daughter and no one, and no situation, no where you are and no where you go, will ever change My love for you. be accepted in My Beloved."
who would not want to hear that? all proven in the Bible. God IS Love. and love wants the best.
Love Having A Jealous God
as pressure is turned up and heat applied - i am going to come out a diamond.
i can sense that there is about to be a breakthrough in my thought processes. i have been battling with knowing i am fully loved and accepted by the One Who Formed Me In The Womb and truly believing it inside. i have also been shown that i must give up the fear of man - being concerned with what anyone will say or do depending on my actions and words. taking the emotions that are whirling around me into captivity has been quite a challenge.
i have given power to people, allowing them to be in control of my outcome in life. saying they have the power to give to me or deny me what is needed and desired. God does not want me bowing my knee to anyone but Him. again, He is a jealous God and no one and no thing should be higher than He. if He says i am loved and forgiven, that He promotes me or keeps me where i am, then that is how it is. no one can place value on me - that is impossible. people go by what they see or sense and they can never know the inside of my heart. only God can judge my actions and motives, even i am confused about them without His guidance.
if God wants me to have a job that provides benefits and loads of cash, that is in His hands. and He promotes when it is best, when i am ready for the next step. if i have issues to deal with He may keep me right where i am or let me move to another job/place to weed my life. but i can not go searching for promotion. (well i can, but it surely won't be what i truly want.) He will choose how to provide my needs, using whatever He so desires. (He is good and i can fully trust Him to provide my needs.)
i would actually like to give a shout out to my God here - He has put me into the perfect position with my job. it sure balances out other areas in my life and has provided me with a great mentor. i am truly blessed. i can see the possibility that is in my future. and the probability of what is my present. God is so good.
thank you, Father, for those You are bringing into my life. You know exactly what i needed.
and just for the record, i can see how He is answering my prayers. not my will, my way, my time, but Yours, Father.
back to earlier mention - i am on the precipice, ready to go over the edge. i wonder if i will have the courage to jump, or if i will simply fall into this next part. God is so good, He is waiting to catch me.
can i say - it just blows my mind how He is jealous over me. as soon as i get myself focused on Him (and this must be done over and over, 'cuz there is a lot much demanding my attention...) the answer is right in front of me. amazing how quickly my prayer is answered, and i see the solution. He is all about showing His might and love.
i often hear the words "hold on, Baby. keep hanging on to Me. Baby hold on." i like being His Baby.
and with that i will say goodnight. God is so gracious to me, His love draws me to Him. it is good to be loved, may i know it deep within. God, don't let me give up. keep me focused and drawing from You.
i can sense that there is about to be a breakthrough in my thought processes. i have been battling with knowing i am fully loved and accepted by the One Who Formed Me In The Womb and truly believing it inside. i have also been shown that i must give up the fear of man - being concerned with what anyone will say or do depending on my actions and words. taking the emotions that are whirling around me into captivity has been quite a challenge.
i have given power to people, allowing them to be in control of my outcome in life. saying they have the power to give to me or deny me what is needed and desired. God does not want me bowing my knee to anyone but Him. again, He is a jealous God and no one and no thing should be higher than He. if He says i am loved and forgiven, that He promotes me or keeps me where i am, then that is how it is. no one can place value on me - that is impossible. people go by what they see or sense and they can never know the inside of my heart. only God can judge my actions and motives, even i am confused about them without His guidance.
if God wants me to have a job that provides benefits and loads of cash, that is in His hands. and He promotes when it is best, when i am ready for the next step. if i have issues to deal with He may keep me right where i am or let me move to another job/place to weed my life. but i can not go searching for promotion. (well i can, but it surely won't be what i truly want.) He will choose how to provide my needs, using whatever He so desires. (He is good and i can fully trust Him to provide my needs.)
i would actually like to give a shout out to my God here - He has put me into the perfect position with my job. it sure balances out other areas in my life and has provided me with a great mentor. i am truly blessed. i can see the possibility that is in my future. and the probability of what is my present. God is so good.
thank you, Father, for those You are bringing into my life. You know exactly what i needed.
and just for the record, i can see how He is answering my prayers. not my will, my way, my time, but Yours, Father.
back to earlier mention - i am on the precipice, ready to go over the edge. i wonder if i will have the courage to jump, or if i will simply fall into this next part. God is so good, He is waiting to catch me.
can i say - it just blows my mind how He is jealous over me. as soon as i get myself focused on Him (and this must be done over and over, 'cuz there is a lot much demanding my attention...) the answer is right in front of me. amazing how quickly my prayer is answered, and i see the solution. He is all about showing His might and love.
i often hear the words "hold on, Baby. keep hanging on to Me. Baby hold on." i like being His Baby.
and with that i will say goodnight. God is so gracious to me, His love draws me to Him. it is good to be loved, may i know it deep within. God, don't let me give up. keep me focused and drawing from You.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Yours
God hear the cry of my heart - You know me intimately. help me. give Your attention to my plea. i have tried to find Your love in places where You were not. i looked high and low believing i would discover Your great love in something. now, i sit here, tears in my eyes - i have not found You in these things.
my head knows You, my heart longs to. i know Your words, i hear You in the scripture i read. get inside me, grow Your love in me. help me know what it is to be Your beloved, Your chosen. the one You love.
i plead no case, i have nothing to stand on that would prove my worth. there is no great thing about me that would draw You to me. only Your love, only You - who You ARE.
You have drawn close to me. You have wooed me and called me to You. let me know Your full acceptance, the purpose of that precious Blood. open me up 'till i can know You are the ONLY ONE THAT CAN LOVE ME TRULY.
my head knows You, my heart longs to. i know Your words, i hear You in the scripture i read. get inside me, grow Your love in me. help me know what it is to be Your beloved, Your chosen. the one You love.
i plead no case, i have nothing to stand on that would prove my worth. there is no great thing about me that would draw You to me. only Your love, only You - who You ARE.
You have drawn close to me. You have wooed me and called me to You. let me know Your full acceptance, the purpose of that precious Blood. open me up 'till i can know You are the ONLY ONE THAT CAN LOVE ME TRULY.
once i truly get hold that You love me and no thing and no one can stop that - then it will be as tho i am invincible. once secure in You and blameless, then i can simply live - not concerning myself with the idea that others may dictate who i am and what i am to be, or where i can go. set me free from these chains.
i cry out "Abba, Father. let me be Yours!"
Monday, March 17, 2008
God Alone
i am checking on a blog that i just happened to start reading a few months ago. the writer is an addict - he is addicted to anything. crazy how trying to fill the place only God can fill will drive you place to place looking for a type of fix.
i found i ran to food, entertainment, anything that let me "escape" for a bit. you know what was the real problem - i was desperate for God. really. i tried so many things to fill myself up. nothing worked so i went to another. i hear people say they are obsessive - compulsive, ummm maybe you need to check in with God. He sure brings peace to the place you are in.
i was standing at my kitchen window a couple days ago and noticed i was wanting to "fill" some sort of desire. i know enough now to realize that anything i try will not do it so i asked God what the deal was - "yesterday i had such a wonderful time with You, why do i feel so needy now?" His answer - "you think you can live on yesterday's manna? baby, you need Me fresh every day. how can you have a relationship by conversing/hanging out one day in your life. I want you to want Me EVERYDAY, every moment. you have got to realize I am THE SOURCE and you cannot survive with out ME." (well knock me upside the head.....) again God is so good.
still more crazy is that i know without a shadow of a doubt that i am in desperate need of Him, yet i think i can start my day without chatting a bit in prayer or praise. and then i think i am going to be okay for the rest of the day and my other 1/2 gets involved and i don't "want" to take the time to connect. INSANITY!!!! huh - can't believe that is such a habit.
alright so it takes a bit of time to break old habits and establish new ones. and connecting with God is one i mean to have. every time i stop and get it together with Him, life seems to straighten out.
take today - i was having a hard time getting my attitude in check. actually i remembered something that happened a few months ago. pain and hurt flooded me. i entertained it, petted it, and just loved on the memory. i knew it was going to take hold and i needed to give it to God. but i was hurting and it was unfair. i reminded God how unfair the situation was (knowing He already had it all in hand and was taking care of me and the others involved.), and how it was not taken care of yet. (i'm not sure when He stopped listening, i was pretty involved in the pity-party.) finally i stopped. "Papa, i know i am not supposed to be doing this. my wallowing is not part of Your plan. help me to want to let it go. You will take care of it, and i can do nothing about it." i think i may have even reminded the individual about it hoping for a bit of an apology.... somehow, God showed me kindness. the pain melted (that was really what i wanted - i did not want the hurt and pain....) the hurt lessened, and i was able to enjoy the rest of the evening. and tonight was able to offer goodness.
He is soooooo gooooooodddddd. how can i ever express my gratitude, amazement, awe, hope, etc. that is there because of Him.
if everything is lost - i will never be alone or on my own. if decisions are made by others - i will have all i need, the plan He has for me will come to pass. for there is no one and no thing that can stop what God has in store for my life. He is big enough, loving enough, powerful enough. He can draw out the stoniest hearts, heal the worst lives. He has every ability, every substance, every thing within His grasp and can move everything into place. HE IS GOD!!!! and there is no one to compare Him with.
i found i ran to food, entertainment, anything that let me "escape" for a bit. you know what was the real problem - i was desperate for God. really. i tried so many things to fill myself up. nothing worked so i went to another. i hear people say they are obsessive - compulsive, ummm maybe you need to check in with God. He sure brings peace to the place you are in.
i was standing at my kitchen window a couple days ago and noticed i was wanting to "fill" some sort of desire. i know enough now to realize that anything i try will not do it so i asked God what the deal was - "yesterday i had such a wonderful time with You, why do i feel so needy now?" His answer - "you think you can live on yesterday's manna? baby, you need Me fresh every day. how can you have a relationship by conversing/hanging out one day in your life. I want you to want Me EVERYDAY, every moment. you have got to realize I am THE SOURCE and you cannot survive with out ME." (well knock me upside the head.....) again God is so good.
still more crazy is that i know without a shadow of a doubt that i am in desperate need of Him, yet i think i can start my day without chatting a bit in prayer or praise. and then i think i am going to be okay for the rest of the day and my other 1/2 gets involved and i don't "want" to take the time to connect. INSANITY!!!! huh - can't believe that is such a habit.
alright so it takes a bit of time to break old habits and establish new ones. and connecting with God is one i mean to have. every time i stop and get it together with Him, life seems to straighten out.
take today - i was having a hard time getting my attitude in check. actually i remembered something that happened a few months ago. pain and hurt flooded me. i entertained it, petted it, and just loved on the memory. i knew it was going to take hold and i needed to give it to God. but i was hurting and it was unfair. i reminded God how unfair the situation was (knowing He already had it all in hand and was taking care of me and the others involved.), and how it was not taken care of yet. (i'm not sure when He stopped listening, i was pretty involved in the pity-party.) finally i stopped. "Papa, i know i am not supposed to be doing this. my wallowing is not part of Your plan. help me to want to let it go. You will take care of it, and i can do nothing about it." i think i may have even reminded the individual about it hoping for a bit of an apology.... somehow, God showed me kindness. the pain melted (that was really what i wanted - i did not want the hurt and pain....) the hurt lessened, and i was able to enjoy the rest of the evening. and tonight was able to offer goodness.
He is soooooo gooooooodddddd. how can i ever express my gratitude, amazement, awe, hope, etc. that is there because of Him.
if everything is lost - i will never be alone or on my own. if decisions are made by others - i will have all i need, the plan He has for me will come to pass. for there is no one and no thing that can stop what God has in store for my life. He is big enough, loving enough, powerful enough. He can draw out the stoniest hearts, heal the worst lives. He has every ability, every substance, every thing within His grasp and can move everything into place. HE IS GOD!!!! and there is no one to compare Him with.
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