Still Nothing

i still have not been contacted by the surgery scheduling center.  i know it has only been two days but i want to get this on paper and know it is forthcoming - well what time frame it is forthcoming anyway.  i guess referrals have to happen and schedules checked but i would sure like to know what is going on with this.  i want to be in the know and able to plan way in advance.  

the past two mornings have been brutal.  i am quite tired today.  i went to bed after charity got home last night around 1 - well i went to be around 1 she was home around 11.45...  or earlier.  

i feel foggy and not quite together.  that is causing me to not really care.  not care if i look that great - hair combed etc... you know (maybe you know...), not care whether i am directly on time (well actually i care a great deal and feel a bit panicked over 2 min late even when my car clock is ahead of the work clock...) but can't seem to get here on time, and am a zombie when i do arrive - not the flesh eating kind but the dead at my desk kind...

i just want this to be done.  again i look forward to scot being here, and i want that time to last forever.  i just want the surgery part to get done and get beyond it. 

Quickie

so i am supposed to have surgery scheduled to remove this lump on the 19th but i have not heard anything from the schedulers.  i am a little nervous because i have purchased a ticket for scot to come take care of me during that time and asked for the days off from work.  the work time is easier to adjust than the plane ticket.  i am hoping that i won't miss getting a time slot for the surgery.  lets just get this done.

also the masked ball was a joke this sat.  i got all dressed up and ready to go only to sit at my friend's home for three hours waiting on her to finish her other friend's costume.  we finally were ready at 9 and headed out where we did not get to the fair until 9.30 and the ball ended at 10...  so $20 for 20 min - not a good deal.  i did not even get to dance.  also i knew to go by myself (though that actually would not have been fun at all nor would it have been safe i presume..).  so i am going to go by myself during the day to see the festivities.  

that is all i have for now.

i found out yesterday that the dr wants to remove the lump in my breast.  i felt total calm and peace when she mentioned it, i guess i kinda expected it and was surprised that we were just going to wait for it to shrink.  today i am a bit troubled by the information but mainly because any form of surgery is complicated by other illnesses.  seeing how i deal with diabetes and hypothyroid issues it should be a blast. 

i am guessing i will not have an issue getting the time off, my problem lays in the delayed reaction i have to anything 'traumatic' happening to my body...  when i got my wisdom teeth removed it took about a week to develop any issues and i got dry socket so it was a heck of a development, along with a lot of pain.  with my toe nail being removed it took a week before i experienced any pain.  the biopsy - pain and discomfort a week after the procedure and i am still bruised.  so even though i have taken off three days to 'recover' i may not need the time until the next week.  

scot will come and take care of the invalid.  it will be nice to have him around.  i really do miss him.  he will finally get to meet charity and we will be lazy bums at my place instead of his lol...

i honestly wondered when the result came back that the lump was benign, why we would not just remove the lump.  too hard, too irregular, not like any other lumps i could feel.  (yay for being lumpy...)  i feel good about getting it removed and only nervous if there are more of these lumps in my future will removal  change my body shape?  now that, the change of my shape and possible effect of losing enough tissue to feel that i am not the woman i have become familiar with - this is an honest struggle and no one can say it is not that has not gone through this process.  i know my body does not say who i am inside, but it sure does have a major impact...   i am scared of that part.  people notice the body first.  i see my body first thing in the morning and even time will not change the difference i see from this day forward.  thank You God for today's technology in finding these lumps and bumps with less invasive techniques to remove issues. 

i think i could actually go home and pass out for the next couple days.  that will be impossible however because 'sucker punch' has made it to the $1 movies along with 'i am four' and i want to see them both, at the same time... also i have a dance recital and masked ball to attend. 

Help

Aching loneliness
Longing desperation
A need to be filled

Splashing tears
Frozen skin
Sinking down

I have cried so many times
Sat alone numbing to the pain
Ran to another addiction

Can’t find rest
Broke down inside
Pouring out vulnerable

No more tears
All dried up
Emotion has left

I am done
At the end
Can’t find peace

Sleep
Sleep
Sleep

Find some restoration
I’m so incredibly tired
Lonely to the core

Traipsing into Emotion

wow today is hard.  i am pretty tired from class last nigh and then trying to get to sleep even though i did get to bed around 11pm.  i feel as though i should still be sleeping right now.  or that i could sleep for 100 years like sleeping beauty - wonder if i would keep my beauty... wonder if scot would wait for me or try to get to me... hmm maybe i AM still asleep with these thoughts running around in my head.

 

started a new class last night: organizational behavior.  i think i am going to enjoy it.  i like the instructor and know i will be challenged, hope i am ready to be challenged as i feel i have been able to slide by doing half-effort work.   

this weekend i am going to a dance recital my friend's daughter is performing in - she is four.  i am so excited and know i will be tearing up the entire time.  that whole i want a child thing is hitting me again, over and over and over.  

also hitting the masque ball at the renaissance fair.  i need to go find a mask however and don't know quite where to shop for one.  i very much like the dress i have chosen to wear.  my friend and her friend are going steam punk, though i don't know what that truly has to do with the renaissance...

 

and now i feel all emotional about the baby stuff.  and my cousin is having trouble recovering from her divorce. and i am tired (it all hits when i am tired...).  and i want scot's arms around me (which could not happen now anyway cuz i am at work and that would be awkward..).  Jesus, it all seem so tough right now.  help me!!

:)

good morning on this beautiful numb day.  the sun is shining beautifully outside and i believe it is even warm enough to enjoy sitting outside. 

i went to bed 'early' last night - around 10 i think, but just did not get the full spectrum of sleep i hoped for.  now i feel numb, like when you take a sleep aid too late at night and it leaves you feeling groggy the next morning.  that is me - groggy the next morning.  but i am listening to beautiful music and it gives me a sense of peace and happiness.  

so, i'm gonna hold this sense for the next few minutes.  just breathe in and breathe out.  :)

hope your day is great too.

Loneliness and Him

the ache of singleness hits strongly after my trips to see scot.  i feel that deep awareness in lacking his company, that says i am without him.  it is loneliness.  this conundrum is strange to me.  we do not necessarily 'complete' one another, nor do we do much together in the way of activities to bring completeness.  we do however, talk - which makes my heart pitter patter and brings a sense of connection to something deeper than just me and him, separate individuals.  the promised activities bring excitement and joy and a bit of nervousness also.  (like working on his truck... which did not happen and was a disappointment to us both.)  i so enjoy the mutual preparing for a bbq with him.  ahh but these are all rabbit trail thoughts.

the point of today's post was to explore loneliness in the depth of my soul.  in my head i realize the 'grass is always greener on the other side' and that 'being married can be the loneliest of loneliness'.  marriage is not the antidote for singleness as it has heartache and brokenness of its own.  Jesus is the only cure i have found for loneliness, and He still doesn't remove it from my life.. He just is there with me in it all, which is a comfort because i can say something without having to explain what i mean.  i mean He just gets what i am saying, understanding the place i come from with my words.  that doesn't come with any other relationship.  even my mother and brother, who grew up in the same house as i did, do not understand my point of view because it is uniquely my view.  strange how that plays out.  

so i guess i am answering any questions i wanted to bring up and delve into with this posting.  Jesus is the answer for any care and compassion i must have to survive this lonely existence as a human separated from wholeness as a response to the garden fiasco.  

then here is again my problem - which seems to come and go in circular motion: i don't want to go to Him for that.  i want a human to take all the loneliness away.    i realize in my head this is not possible, but still i long for that remedy.  or rather for that to be the remedy.  (is that one reason women/girls will have sex with someone?  hoping to have the loneliness taken away only to find it cannot possibly reach into the depth of need??)  there is not one time i have had a human be able to fill my need for deep companionship, the need is simply - too great.  i have had glimpses of humanity filling my desire for companionship, yet that moment of time is too short, or something else is said that steals a little of the care away.  and each time i have that need met a little (through great amounts of time spent with an individual in 'deeper' conversation that wears them out....) i find a compelling force driving me to get more, like an addiction, i'm unable to get enough.  that depth of research into a human soul can only come from God.  and i find myself more and more desperate for the knowledge of a human soul, mine, intertwined with the abilities of a Creator, Him.

i am reading another great book by donald miller titled the search for God knows what.  in the chapter i am reading about adam and eve donald brings up a great point.  adam was all alone in the garden with God.  he had every opportunity to speak with God and be full of wholeness, yet he was lonely still.  God gave him the assignment of  naming the animals, which must have taken around 100 years or more, according to mr. miller, just thinking about the sheer mass of fauna available.  so the point - adam was still lonely with God there.  God had put into adam the need for a companion.  none of the animals met the bill.  the only one that was like adam was eve, and yet God took serious time before He introduced her into the life of adam.  so what is the point of all this loneliness?  why have it when it cannot and will not be satisfied even in a perfect world?  adam lived in a perfect world - or so i thought - but still experienced loneliness, even with God right there, at all times, always available.

now more questions rise. 

in my job i see all kinds of paperwork with name changes and mismatched guardianship last names.  this longing for and hunger to belong and be loved is apparent to me each and every day.  women with several last name changes and now divorced, i can imagine the ache and longing for a safe place to be loved just as they are.  i have had enough conversations with divorced men through my interaction here that i know they too long for a place of safety with a companion that will love them and respect them.  our lives scream out for this need to be cared for.  God what the heck?!!  we are all seeking something that cannot be achieved in this life.  why create this intense need and desire that will forever be lacking?  that only a hint can be achieved on a good day with the best circumstances?!!  it is overpowering to me.  i don't understand this....!! this intense thing.. a desire for something that will never be or at least not here on this earth in this life time we are given.  God, i need no other reasons to hold anger toward You.  i cannot demand an answer for this question.  You are not at my beck and call to answer my demands.  You will speak with me as my friend, You never turn me away.  You always love, always care for me, always, always... always.

still i question why must we see so much pain and hurt?  why are there no real answers in our gravity bound lives?  why can't i find wholeness in another person but instead must find it in You when You created me with the need and desire for companionship of my fellow human beings?? and i wonder at whether the need will be filled by You since adam did not even get the fill while in a garden of perfection.  is this a sickness within You, or is there something i am completely missing through my tear stung eyes?  i cry for us all, everyone who has searched for a place of completed-ness.  each individual who has given everything hoping to find a place of safety and love but being thrown to the ground with their hope.  my heart aches and the pain is so great, Jesus how could You have born it all?!!!  i know i have not the weight You carried on that day You gave Your life, nor the depth of sorrow You experienced for those who did not know You.  what it must be like to have the knowledge of wanting relationship with those who do not want You.  i guess You are familiar with pain and hurt best and can know where i am in the grand scheme of it all.   

so, what about my questions?  is this one of those situations where answers will not suffice no matter?  can i even begin to understand the plan You have set into motion for humanity, relationships, companionship, wholeness?  i am such a child that i may think Your plan is not sufficient or thought out enough.  i am not capable of seeing the whole picture beginning to end.  i guess i, like everyone else, will simply have to trust.