Wow Has Time Flown By

o so it has been a year since posting to this blog. i'm not certain where to start as i am not certain, either, where i left off.

Hmmm after checking the last post, it seems this blog is full of a lot of pain - but isn't that just life? there are moments of wonder, joy of moments taking place, never hoped for. and times of heartbreaking loneliness and pain.

heck of an intro for this 'catch-up with becca'...

i am about 1/2 way through pursuit of a bs in psychology. my mission: to work with trafficked individuals. my hope: to have a home where they can live in safety and discover the identity of self, stolen from them. all i have planned right now is to finish up this course of study and believe He will drop in my heart what master's degree to begin, or place to work/volunteer for some real life experience. or... there may even be other options, just not certain at this point. reminder to self - each time all has been readily available when needed, even a bit before needed. (thank You for keeping me in peace :)!!)

personally, i ran into an old... umm classmate from my hometown on facebook - so 'ran into' may not be the proper descriptive phrase, but there it is, it is late, and i don't want to press the 'backspace' button to get it cleared up. he and i started talking (yes this was the original point of the paragraph....) in june of 2010. seeing how my last post was in feb 2010 i am a little amazed at how quickly this great guy was brought into the picture. i was seriously believing that God wanted me just for Himself and the heck with all my dreams of family, marriage, etc. though i knew He would work things out beautifully in each area i dreamed about, i just thought there would be no man involved, maybe many friends helping me help kids... or something that could be more confusing if i attempt to explain at this time of the morning.

SOOO, scot and i have been talking about our future, values (that was hard to pin down cuz those aren't things one walks around thinking about everyday, took me forever to see what i truly value cuz i had to go looking at my actions... and then revamp cuz some of my actions scared me as they were linked to stinky values... and ummm here i am..), what we think of God, and many other conversations yet to be had but that have been introduced into the mix by some pretty goofy and intense discussions. i like scot :)!! apparently he likes me too. we are contemplating what life would be like as companions. there is some work to be done, and more getting to know one another, however i am encouraged by the methodology and interaction. heck i have no idea how to have a relationship so this is all pretty scary; it is good to have someone in the thick with me. o and we have discussed family genealogy to some extent to be certain we are not secretly long lost cousins...

i have moved in with a girlfriend and am renting a room from her. i like having a place with other people around. i desire interaction and need rough edges knocked off from living by myself for so long. it is strange to share food and supplies, along with the dividing up of space - or rather sharing since there are three of us living in a house with a dog, a cat, and a guinea pig (yes, gilbert lives..).

i don't know why, but suddenly i miss my dad. strange to find myself thinking about him right now. he has been gone for a little over 4 years. i have found myself grieving odd things and at odd times over the past three weeks. mostly i think i miss relationships that could have been.

i have been reading this delightful book by donald miller called searching for God knows what. the theme i keep being pulled to is that God is relational. there is no room for formulas and step by step actions to get anywhere. nothing more i can do but get to know Him and share Him with others. i was admitting yesterday that i am horrible in relationships. i talk a lot and forget to listen, and when i am listening i find too often that i jump in with my own thing - you know 'personal experience to help me, or them, know i am empathic'... i find selfishness all over my actions, motivation that is about me and what i think is best for me. this is hard; specially when i can't see the person that is on the other side.... (hmmm like having this long distance relationship with scot - i don't get to see his facial reactions and sometimes have to ask a lot of questions to know what is going on). and i have so many questions that i seem to undermine setting aside time to interact with Him, choosing instead to chase some thing, numbing out the need and desire to focus on this relationship.

boy life is up and down. i remember being in His peace and love. it was as if i was marvelous, perfectly crafted and all the scary would somehow be okay. i did not get beat to far down on what i was able or unable to do because i knew He was in it all with me. that was a safe place. that is the place i want to find myself in again. i also remember there was a lot of pain. i had to face what scared me and allow reality to set in. boy that sucked. i wanted to run from all that was going on, anything to stop the pain and wounding for a little while. and there was not always relief going to Him, at least not immediately. there was excruciating confessions of loneliness, confusion, self-loathing, rejection, questions whether i could be loved or wanted - ever. and when all that was poured out somehow calm came. this peace was able to get into me. and when i got to a place where i was not so scared, His love was able to wrap me up.

yep i want that again. so i'm gonna get done here and see about curling up in some peace.

night.

Time Flies

wow time has flown.

it is february already, and 2010 at that - aren't we supposed to be flying around in space ships now? never did watch that movie..

i simply have to stop when i think about the time, the season. life moves quickly, and i knew that from a child i have heard time will fly yet it could not be realized.

i have been journeying on the path to become alright with being alone. i am feeling my way through the grief of a relationship and the knowledge that what i have is wonderful beyond my hope. i am still a girl wrestling with the need to become independent of one and dependent of Another. the balance of not needing to have a human man step in and do something i am quite capable of doing myself and relying on Him to provide what i need to stand on my own. this is by no means an easy journey, yet i find it rewarding. to become. i grieve and let go, grieve and let go, grieve and hold until i can place it in His hands. i find songs i did not know were there and i smile or cry, sometimes both. most importantly - i learn to be where i am, inviting the One who loves me to be with me. it is beautiful, and frightening.

'as i sit to write words for what is happening on my inside, i find i cannot pin what stirs within. so many waves wash over me there is barely time for a breath. will i always feel such depth - is this part of operation empathy, my training ground? i can't hold it all.
Jesus, hold me together. don't let me alone. in Your safe arms i find what is real, experience peace and You calm the hurricane.
You feel so deeply - how do You stand these depths? Obviously i'm not meant to carry the world on my shoulders.
speak to me, tell me what is in Your heart. how do You see the one out of the masses? what happens in Your heart? show me how to love just a little like You. help me not be alone in this path -i'm never alone, i wanna see it.
created. crafted. dedicated. planned. performed. all put together to be purposed for part of Your divine plan.
hold me in those strong, stable arms. close enough to hear Your heart and feel Your breath.' bl 2/2010

Sittin Around

here i am sitting around. i thought i would update on what is going on, tho i am unsure how far to go back. so i will type in generalities.
i have started school. my focus is psychology. i am rather excited about this season. it is amazing how God put it together and has had me walking the last few steps. i am connecting with a group called oath , i hope to be assisting with the recovery of young adults rescued from trafficking here in oklahoma. it turns out it is quite an endeavor, i am amazed that modern day slavery is such a huge issue. there are a lot of factors to care for and be aware of with this kind of outreach. i will begin the core study in february.
i have gotten myself a guinea pig. he is quite the entertainer, named gilbert by the previous owner. gilbert gives me quite a good amount of laughter when i am home.
i will be going to see my family for the christmas holiday and hope to take gilbert with me. i am checking into the cost and parameters of taking a guinea pig on an airplane. should be quite interesting i would guess. he will be carry on luggage of course so i will need to plan for that. (it is amazing how much crap gets to go with me on a vacation.. nuff said.
umm tonight i am filling in for a gal at work so i get to be @ work a bit later than i prefer. i am pretty tired, but have a nice supper waiting for me so i guess i will go and check it out here in the next few minutes.
k going now :)
have a wonderful night.

?

like a drug i come to You for my need to get met. and then walk away. do You feel used, as a human would? do You wait in anticipation for my need to overpower me? i guess You would rather me come just because i want to, just because i want You, not because i need my next fix. help me understand this love You are. is it only rebellion that keeps me running?
i have found the greatest in You. acceptance and approval, grace, forgiveness, life, creativity has returned, and healing has taken place. yet i come to You in my weakness and broken, You revive me and i go my own way until i need 'fixed' again. can this cycle end? can i find peace and stay with You because i want to? not because i have to have You...? will You always come after me? will You go to the highway and bi-way looking for me? can i get lost from You? can You forget me or choose another in my place? can i hurt You so that You will finally give up on me and let me go?
i'm sorry. i need a fix....

Positivity

people who are especially talented in the positivity theme have an enthusiasm that is contagious. they are upbeat and can get others excited about what they are going to do.
what makes you stand out?
by nature, you may enhance your own quality of life or sense of well-being. how? perhaps you compliment certain people. maybe you acknowledge the contributions of particular individuals. occasionally you call attention to some of their talents, knowledge, and/or skills. it's very likely that you sometimes notice your quality of life improves when people appreciate your good-matured, even-tempered personality. driven by your talents, you may lavish praise on others. even so, you occasionally suggest how they might do some things better the next time. instinctively, you occasionally sense all is well with the world when people listen attentively to you. you might capture and keep their interest by interpreting the not-so-obvious meanings and inner workings of theories, projects, machines, or procedures. because of your strengths you may feel good about life once you attempt to make sense out of your current situation. perhaps you are a little more optimistic when you figure out why you were or were not given a particular assignment, why some decisions were made, or why certain people behaved the way they did.
absolutely - this all is very true :)

Woo

woo?.. really? that is a strength?????!!!

#4
woo - people who are especially talented in the woo theme love the challenge of meeting new people and winning them over(k that explains a lot..). they derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection with another person (always).
what makes you stand out?
it is very likely that you occasionally exhibit the behavior of an extrovert. perhaps your sociable nature implies you to exert a bit more effort now and then to get certain people to like you. driven by your talents, you may contend there is something worthwhile and perhaps lovable about many people. you attempt to find the good in each person with whom you spend time. you might overlook some negative traits to discover praiseworthy ones (oh yeah, i still seeing such good in people even with all their decisions). you might concentrate on the desirable qualities that distinguish an individual from everyone else. once in a while, you remind others about why you consider someone special. you may hope that one day they can value the person, too. by nature, you boost the spirits of people with your buoyant enjoyment of life. when you walk into a roomful of people, you add energy and optimism. when you depart, the absence of your exuberance and hope-filled outlook is soon noticed (well it would be nice to be told this..). because of your strengths, you often share your ideas, feelings, and experiences. your openness makes it easy for people to figure out who you are (i certainly do try to lay it all out so no one feels confused about me...). they can begin to understand what causes you to think and act the way you do. chances are good that you attempt to surround yourself with thinkers. when you encounter them, you might share a few of your latest theories, concepts, or philosophies. you might place a special value on these conversations. occasionally they might supply you with a new idea or a fresh perspective. perhaps you gather information, store it in your mind, or somehow document it. you may not know at that moment how something you have heard, read, or observed will lead you to another discovery or insight.

Communication

number 3 of my strengths from strengthfinder 2.0

communication - people who are especially talented in the communication theme generally find it easy to put their thoughts into words. they are good conversationalists and presenters
what makes you stand out? - it's very likely that you may have little difficulty finding the right words to express your ideas on specific topics. perhaps you are comfortable talking about ways to make certain people or things better. chances are good that you may be a good talker. in certain situations, you might think of better ways to pose questions, change topics, launch serious discussions, engage in small talk, tell jokes, or describe experiences. driven by your talents, you might admit that you participate in friendly rivalries for fun. usually you are comfortable letting people know what you do and do not value. by nature, you might be able to tell people how certain things function. maybe you describe the basics rather than risk losing your audience in lots of detail. you might share some real-life examples or stories to illustrate key points. perhaps you have little difficulty expressing your ideas. instinctively, you might be able to keep a discussion or small talk moving when you are talking with someone you know on a personal level.