Happy Mother's Day.. Early ;)

My Mom

is strong. she would never say so, and if you told her this she would baulk and tell you just how weak she has been. she knows where her battle lies and keeps on fighting.
doesn't give up. throughout the toughest situations she has stuck to her guns. crawling when she can't walk.
loves. just plain loves people. she radiates love and people can feel it.
smiles. her smile lights up her face. it draws people in and puts them at ease. her eyes sparkle and she can't help the laugh that escapes her mouth. and she has one for everyone.
is easy to get along with. she just rolls with whatever.
knows what is important. she keeps to the code that is best. gives her problems the proper place and lets go of what she can.
is teachable. desires to learn and put into action what she knows.
is giving. i can't tell you how many lives she has touched. we may never know - and it spreads out from person to person. her desire has always been to be sure others had what they need.
is kind. has something nice that she says or does for people.
is happy for others. when good things happen she is glad for the blessings others receive.
gives credit to others. she doesn't blow her own horn.
is gracious. she is not one to cut others off in conversation or push her point. she is give and take in relationships, doing her best to be in balance.
looks our for others. she does her best to bless them. going so far as to put their needs before her own.
is forgiving. she easily forgets ;). there is no list of 'make-up mistakes' with her.
loves the truth. she is excited when the truth comes out. wants it to be heard.

do you know why my mama is this way???

Huh? Huh? HUH??? do you??

because through her life she has turned her face to the One who Heals, Delivers, Saves us and brings us through our circumstances. she has pursued Him when it was not convenient and there were other things to do. even from a place of incredible weakness and hurt she cries:

'Abba, Father!!! You are my only HOPE.'

Door Number??

first off - next tuesday is my b-day!!! i am so excited and i wish i could have a major party and celebrate, drum roll please ME (might read as a bit selfish. but God made an amazing woman. i am not good in, or of, myself, but He is mighty and wonderful. and He lives in me. i am His special creation and He loves me mucho.) i think He celebrated when He formed me in my mother's womb and i believe He dances over me and celebrates me every day. so i want a party day to celebrate His creation, even if it is me ;)..

next - seriousness.

for the following: i look back and know, how wonderful to grow up exactly where God placed me. my parents sought God and set about instructing my brother and i (yes i have a brother!!! and he is the coolest!!!) in the way we should go. they ran after God with their whole heart wanting to touch others with His love and goodness. they were GOOD parents. every need was provided and i do not remember ever hearing the following words from them my entire growing up. so as you read please know they are innocent.

my entire life i have lived out of these beliefs and it is astounding to me. since they are completely untrue.
i believe i was never wanted. i believe i was a mistake. i believe no one noticed me. i believe no one heard me, ever. i believe i can not get help tho i am so messed up and need it badly.

these non-truths show up all over in my actions (what we believe we WILL act out..). i often repeat myself over and over and over, trying in different ways to say the same thing 'no one noticed me or heard me, ever.'. i desperately want to know people like being with me and around me, 'i was never wanted.', i need to hear them and have constant reassurance. specially now, with what is going on personally and i am hearing that statement in my mind constantly. 'i believe i was a mistake.', having no real ambition, what does it matter? i was a mistake, no one really meant for me to be here anyway what difference am i making.

see how these things snowball?

the truth: Jeremiah 1:4-10
4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying,

5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew [a] you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

6 "Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."

7 But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.
Jeremiah 29:10-14
9 Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now, I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant."
10-11This is God's Word on the subject: "As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. 12"When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. 13-14"When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." God's Decree. "I'll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you"—God's Decree—"bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it.

these scriptures are just two examples i found quickly while searching biblegateway.com the word of God is FULL of passages that tell of His love for us: john 3:16 and here. God is all about showing us the value HE places in us. not that we are amazing ( 6 All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. Is 64:6), but that HE is amazing. He loves us when we are dirt and messed up. and each one of us is.

so, do i choose to believe what i have thought all my life and continue living that way? OR do i choose door number 2 and believe what God says. (remember, He made me - and u - and knows everything i am capable of [and folks left on my own i become, we all become, selfish, ambitious, fighting to get what we want when we want it, wicked...] incapable of, but still loves me. not that throw-it-around word 'love' but the perfect-only-for-my-good, always-in-every-way kind of love.) i think i want door number 2.

so like david did, i will pour out my grief, concerns, joys, strengths, weaknesses, hopes, dreams, disapointments, routine (learned that one today at women's group..), ....life to You, my God and King. One who knows me intimately and wants to hear it all ('cuz You know it already - and want me to say it out to You so i acknowledge it all... hehehe..). and You will turn it around, me upside-down, and show me the truth of my situation and those around me involved. God, i acknowledge You are the only good that comes out of my life. if there is anything good it is because of You alone. 'O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder, Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder, Thy power throughout the universe displayed. Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee, How great Thou art, How great Thou art.'

Real Quick - Maybe...

i was reading a blog posting here and i noticed a little way down in the article the song 'unbreakable' is based on the woman caught in adultery from john 8:1-11. Jesus comes over and stands between her and the crowd wanting to stone (kill her dead) her.

i nearly gasped. there have been times when i have wondered where my 'big brother' is. you know the one that steps in and beats the bullies back... it hit me in the gut - Jesus did that. He stood in between our consequences and us. it is powerful - use your imagination on this one if you have to.. there is the horde of nasties coming at you, you know you are going to be crushed and there is no survival or way out... and Jesus steps in... He miraculously stops the entire group from mauling you. and He gets every one of them, none slip by..

so why do you not 'feel' free? that is what you take to Daddy and say 'help me'. He is more than capable, because Jesus stepped in for you and stopped the mass of nastiness that was coming your way.

catch the video here

Morning Revelation

i sat this morning to pray the Lord's Prayer and found i could not get past 'our Father'.

we are told to come to Him as little children, with child-like faith. but when you don't know what child-like faith is, what it is to trust completely and know that you are heard and accepted, that your needs will be met - all of them... well how do you go to your Father, God and know He will hear you, believe you?

i can see myself as a child standing before my Daddy (God), i don't know it yet, but i desperately want to have Him grab me and hold me close. the closest i get is 'i'm messed up here and need You to restore me.'

He takes this black mass out of my heart and begins to replace it.

i realize that He is holding back. i am not letting Him get a hold of me.

i go to Him and ask for something - it is a need, but not the REAL need. really i need His arms around me, holding me so close i know He doesn't want to let me go...

'finally' He says. 'finally I get to hold you close.' and i am undone.

i need to trust Him, i need restoration, to know how to trust Him with child-like faith, i am accepted, wanted, loved, believed... what i REALLY needed - His embrace.

He DOESN'T WANT TO LET ME GO. that is what i need. it is what He has been wanting to give me, but since i would not let Him touch me He settled with trying to fix me the best He could... not total.

He put His hand on my head and i was calmed (i had been sobbing). He placed His hand over my heart and i knew He would heal all the hurts. i could see in my mind He wanted to place His hand on my stomach - the core of my soul was what it appeared as - but did not because i am too sensitive there, He will get to that area when i am able.

He then put that arm around me and held me. peace filled me, i had questions but they were stilled 'that is not what you are here for' and i knew He was right. that situation in His capable hands, i was here to experience His love. He will restore that child innocence because He wants me to come to Him like that. unhampered by anything.

there is a lot to go through, but He is faithful. He desires that i come to Him.

i have been reading through the psalms. often what i see there seems so contradictory - the verses begin in anguish, anger, whatever is happening is blatantly spoken to God. every complaint. the verses end with thanking God for doing what needs to be done and declaring that david is right before God. honestly people, should we not have an open relationship with our Creator? should we not be able to come to Him with 'i hate this >>>. and i am angry that >>>>.'

because i have noticed when i speak these words to my Daddy, He shows me the truth... i don't hate >>> i am frustrated at the situation and very angry that the enemy is stepping all over my ground.

i love the people, and want the best for them - because the love of God is in me working its way out of me. there is great depth of compassion and love in me - God Himself is in residence there.
so let us pour out our heartfelt complaint to Him - He will hear us and believe us. then He will show us the truth, heal us and restore us to Him, making us brand new.

Monday

i am catching up on blogs - and laundry (which there seems to be a proliferation of, like rabbits in a cage..) - today. i have made it through four washes and 2 dry loads. (the dryer is just not quick at all. and i think the setting for testing the amount of moisture and it is dry according to that standard - is WAY off. the clothes still are pretty damp.) i am hoping to get another load finished before i have to head out for work. time flies sometimes... hmm that may be a thread throughout this blog.
sunday was my cousin's b-day. i didn't do a darn thing for her either. actually i am unsure the last time i did anything for her. we are nine days apart and used to have roller-skating parties 'the bomb' of parties. i loved skating. and only recently have i 'learned' to ice skate - ty bob. i miss those parties. we skated for hours and would get blisters on our feet, even with two layers of socks. (and it was cool to wear those two layers at the time, one scrunched below the other so you had two colors showing..) so i didn't do anything for her. feeling a bit jerky about that. guess i will have to give her a call... and if i keep on i will really beat myself up about it and that will do no good 'tall.
this weekend was wonderful. i love working in our 'flowerbeds'. they are needing major work - well they needed major work. i will try to get some picts up of all the garbage taken off/out and show you all the wonderful job bob did with it all. i basically tore stuff out and made piles for clean up. bob trimmed and shaped the bushes on the side of our house. cleaned out all the ivy and transplanted some to the backyard fence - hoping for privacy cover. just have to see if i can get the picts uploaded - don't have the plug-ins/software for this new (i luv it) software.
we also have a swarm of bees in the tree that bob cleared out a hunk of dead limbs from. the bees were not there while clearing but showed up just in time to cut off mowing the lawn. so the grass will grow a bit more and we will (okay, bob will) take care of the stinging friends. research showed that honey-bees should leave in a day or two. and i am counting...
so along with these two things (see top).. i have asked God for an awareness of His presence throughout today. i want to know that i am accepted and loved. it seems that i keep having this hang up - needing to know i am loved and accepted 'specially since i see so much junk in my life. He told me i have a hard time trusting Him. 'why? why would i have such a hard time trusting You when everything You have done has been good. what i see from You is goodness.' He replied that i don't trust Him because things didn't happen when i hoped they would (my timing), or how i hoped that it would (lightning striking those bad guys while in the act of badness..). and that let fear rule me. His perfect love casts out all fear. this is why i need to know His love. it will set me free from those fears. He is for my good always, He doesn't know how to be anything but love, goodness. His character. just as His name is God, His name is love, hope, grace, mercy. He is the essence of those things perfected, no ill will in Him.
Father, Daddy - get this in me. clear out what is in the way. heal me.

Capture Three Day Events

friday - was spent in the yard. boy does it look great.

bob trimmed bushes and i cleaned out the beds. then he removed a couple of bushes that were out of control and an evergreen tree. we can actually see out the front door. i am so excited. there is an area where the grass has begun to take over in one of the beds - i will need to get out there and get that pulled up and cleaned up, but it is amazing the difference in our front yard and the side.

saturday i was SICK. started early in the morning right after midnight. and i was up all night and throughout the morning. spend the day in bed or on the couch. so not much to report there - food poisoning, not sure from where but it was horrid.

sunday i am still experiencing upset stomach and slept a lot. sooo not much is going to happen today. i may head out side to read for a bit, but i am not staying up too long. still not able to eat much, but i did get 7up/sprite and a package of plain saltiness down.. :) yeah.

short one today too :)

Short One

thursday - yeah, means that i can go to bed and not think about work until friday night... wait, did i type that correctly? (basically i mean i don't go to work until sat morning...)

i am tired tonight. bob is working late tonight - okay, he works late every night he works... and i have got about an hour of typing to do still. soooo my plan is to keep this one short...(does THAT every happen??)

been a nice day. i think we are expecting storms tonight, the air feels WET.

went to a b-day for co-worker and then off to hang with a friend this afternoon. we sat outside and i am pink now... and a bit sore from the sunburn. wow, now it is red.. might feel that tomorrow too.

made it to work and through tonight. not bad actually, but when you are tired it drags on.

caught up on a blog or two and i am now ready to finish this one...

look ma, short :)
night