Continual Grace

i have decided the house-sitting job is not for me.  the heat we are going to experience this summer and the knowledge that i will not be able to water often enough to keep all the plants alive greatly influenced me, and then there was the texting from the homeowner asking if i was competent...  with work, school, relationship, etc... i have plenty to keep myself busy at this time and the packing each week to live in a place that is not my space was really getting to me :(  .  

this next week i will be in arizona - the plan is to help mom move my brother's things from one room to another, but i think she has a lot of it done so i don't know if i am going to help or what exactly.  it will be a good trip and i am looking forward to it - even bought some new clothes for the journey ;)

i am a little daunted from the last few conversations i have had with her about scot and my relationship.  i find myself thoroughly confused after speaking to her - and i think it is mostly because i am trying to 'defend' a man that needs no defending.  he is who he is and that is pretty darn amazing.  i keep reminding myself that i am the one he needs to impress and if he doesn't do that then he is not right for me.  when i pray about it i am at peace and desire him here more and more.  sure i still have questions, but the fact of matter is that i won't have a lot of them answered until he is here.  one of the gals at work reminded me to not try to put things together for an end goal.  keep doing what i am doing and know the end goal will be met.  that whole 'peace be still' thing i guess.

scot says he is packing up and coming home permanently to tulsa over labor day weekend.  that is exciting and scary all at the same time.  he will really be here, part of me will believe when i see it.  i understand the ache and hurt that we have experienced throughout the separation causes both of us to want to be in the same space.  there have been so many set backs for him.  i wonder how he will get on his feet and how much 'encouraging' (slash) supporting i am going to have to do.  i don't know what it is exactly he will need to do versus what i will offer to help with that i possibly should not.  i am not certain he will have all the money he needs for food, location, gas, etc to get himself started here and that concerns me.  i have a lot of things to discuss with him so he has a heads up of the cost to live here.  

Father, i cannot recall experiencing this type of connection before.  i have someone that i can discuss 'scary' issues with, well that i am learning to feel comfortable in talking over scary stuff.  he doesn't reject my opinions, in fact i find him seeing my vantage point and agreeing.  he is good with me and we enjoy one each other's company.  i am often surprised that we are so similar in our thoughts and belief of what is important.  sure there are differences however - well You know him and You know me.  i want to remain in Your peace even though i am scared to talk to You about the things mom keeps bringing up.  i know You have told me to not worry about scot's relationship with You that it is between the two of You and You are guiding it.  You have told me to enjoy this journey with scot - and when i worry and get all caught up in whether he is a good enough leader i then freak out so that is not what i need to focus on.  there is nothing to compare him too.  he is unique and majestically hand crafted by You, flaws and all.  there is still a lifetime of growing and learning for him (and me).  i will focus on being patient and not pushing for my time table - which i realize i have already made You completely aware of.  should things not go according to my plan, You will have something better.

thank You for Your continual humor and grace in my life. 

Lots of Almosts

i almost have a full week of house sitting under my belt now.  it has been fun and uneventful.  a little awkward - because there is a gal still living there that is being kicked out and thought she was still taking care of the dogs and the plants and then there i was... yes that was awkward, but all is fine, i think.

tomorrow is my roommates bday and i am excited to be hosting a party for her.  it may just be three of us but it is still exciting.  we are staying at a nice hotel and celebrating over appetizers and some fun girl time.  i have been looking forward to it for quite a while now.  (so has she :) yay!!)

well it is almost time for me to head out so i will keep this short, and it is only a catch up with what is going on so not much to say.  oh i retract that - i always have a lot to say but nothing that has to get said right now.

on that note - laters.

my great vacation trek is coming up.  i am getting to use the last of my 2010 vacation before the 30th or lose it.  i had to go through a few hoops but i have a confirmation on the dates now :) woo hoo.  i will have the following off: friday 10, tuesday 14, friday 17th, monday 20th, tuesday 21st (conference so not a vacation...), thursday 23rd, friday 24th, thursday 30th, and then july 1st - 5th.  i am so looking forward to it all.

tomorrow i have a dr appointment at 9.15, but can go home and sleep if i want to.  i am just wiped out right now.  can't believe how tired i feel all the time.  i am going to blame the next 10 years on the anesthesia they used during my surgery ;).  (wonder if i can truly get away with that...)

scot is getting over the sinus infection he had after returning home.  i can barely believe he has been gone only around 2 weeks.  feels like it has been forever.  we are both hoping for a surgery with little down time, but i am sketchy on believing it will be a quick recovery.  

i have the opportunity to house sit all summer, possibly november.  this was a pretty exciting turn of events.  i will get to care for 3 dogs, even one will crash in the bed with me - that is cool i sure miss snuggling with kacy at times.  

i have a message scot sent me posted at my desk.  i just read the line 'i love you and always will till life does not exist on the lil planet we live on' and though i do not immediately question how it is possible to love someone that much, the question is still here.  how can someone love me that long?  it is not just a question about whether i will be unlovable, but also a question of whether they are capable.  how can two people love for so long?  i realize there will be times when things are tough and irritating.  there might even be strong feelings of hatred :( but can love last?  

God, Your love lasts.  You are able to love through Your creation, through me, and through others.  guess i should just hope and trust You will be in my relationships.  i just want to admit that i am still scared and gun-shy about it.  the way You are working through scot to show me love, consideration, importance, value - well i am honored.  thank You.

i have just decided i don't like stress.  even more, i dislike being tired.  it was a late night and there is more going on than i had wanted, though i am certain it will help me keep awake while sitting here at work doing much of nothing. 

yesterday hit hard.  i spoke to scot about what all had been said yesterday.  then waited.  texted throughout the day. and waited.  kept reminding myself that he was probably tired and grabbing a nap, and i kept waiting.  finally called around 7 and his voice warmed my heart and immediately i knew he was taking everything in stride, not taken back by any of the events.  it was a short conversation, but nothing really needed to be said.  the simple 'can i call you back in a few, sweetpea?.... i love you.' let me know it was all good.  we were good.  no matter what scary stuff i had said to him.

part of me is so afraid to get into the nitty-gritty spiritual things i believe.  i don't want to keep my beliefs from him, that is not fair.  i also don't want to appear to be a super spiritual person that can't connect with anyone outside church.  i was raised in my belief system and i don't know how foreign it all is to him.  i do know he loves me greatly and is open to whatever i have talked to him about, so why do i think he would respond differently to this?  and all the other conversations were scary before also.  

timing is everything.  God, You speak to him first and let me know what is ok and when.

ok i was not ashamed or feeling guilt until today.  now i am experiencing fear and overshadowing.  i have asked You to forgive my actions and plead the blood, asking You to restore me and keep us protected.  until this afternoon i did not feel affected.  i do not understand what is going on and i am scared.  is this fear and awe of a Holy God? or fear from an enemy that wants me to run away?  i don't want to feel that sin, which You forgive and restore me from, will cause me to be consumed by You in fire.  

God, You are Holy.  Your way is Holy.  i want to do what is right and remove myself from what destroys.  i want to run from the actions that took me out of Your safe keeping.  i want to be healed and have my relationship restored. 

be clear with me on this.  i don't want to be flailing in the dark and i certainly don't want to be without You in this.  i want You by my side in this journey and on this mission, the outcome without You is too horrible to think about.  i am almost to fearful to ask for grace and mercy to walk through the next steps and that can't be You.  You are Redeemer, Restorer, Lover of my soul, You are Judge and Justice, Mercy and Grace is given when asked for.  i am asking You for Your Mercy and Grace.  open Your arms to me and welcome me home, where i belong.  You do not punish when i come to You, You do not reject me for the sin, You wash me in Your Blood and set my feet straight.  thank You for reminding me You are for me and not against me.

Just The Past Few Days And Today

today is a beautiful sunny day.  i am feeling great, and i am feeling stressed to the max about a paper i  have only just begun to do research on - which is due tomorrow, and should be 8-12 pages analyzing my current place of employment.  actually it will not be that difficult, i just need to get the words on paper. 

i miss scot terribly.  he texted yesterday stating he has a sinus infection that turned into a horrible migraine and then moved into his teeth.  when he called he was unable to talk because he was in so much pain.  i feel horrible about him and wish there was something i could do.  he said he is glad i am not there to see him this way, though i will be exposed to it at some point in time...

i know the next few months will pass quickly and i am glad.  i so want to have him close, able to hang out with him, do my homework with him around, just be together.  i am looking forward to it all, kind of  looking forward to the irritating parts too just because it is part of life together.  we seem to do so well with one another and i want to continue cultivating what we are.  i love him so dearly, amazing how taking things slowly can allow the love to grow.  he truly is my friend and i can see how he will quickly become the best male friend i could have.  that is satisflying to me.

i am doing well after my surgery, continuing to heal up.  there is a 1/4 inch hole at the top of my incision and i believe it is there to assist with drainage...?  the site is no longer quite so scary.  i am experiencing a bit of pain now, more than i had though would be there.  

on another note had an interesting conversation with my boss about taking the remainder of my vacation days.  i have approximately 54 hours, or 6 days, of vacation.  she is saying something to the tune that i have too much time.  here is the conversation:

1:36 PM a: What new sheet?

 me: the sheet hr just sent me with the correction on the 64 hours

 a: WOW.... I can't even believe that.

 me: i know!!

 a: Maybe it's the combo of sick and vacation time that has me baffled.

1:37 PM me: possibly there was a lot of sick time

 a: True dat

1:41 PM me: r u still locked in the basement....?

 a: No! Does it say that?

 me: yes lol

45 minutes

2:27 PM me: would it be possible to take the next three friday's off? that would eliminate several of those hours...

  just throwing out ideas here..;)if it helps i can give them to m... lol

 a: Understand. I need to stew on this if you don't mind...

2:28 PM me: totally no problem

 a: I know they're your hours, but it's got to make sense for everyone, you know/

  ?

 me: i understand, just don't want to let an entire week go

2:29 PM a: Yeah. I like how you're thinking, it just seems absurd to me that we're looking for ways to get your hours used...

  That means there's too many!!!!!

2:30 PM I don't disagree with your idea of the Fridays though...

  Will you check in with me on it Monday?

2:31 PM me: yep will do so. and i am seriously trying to get it down so that i don't have hours to "have to get rid of" lol

 a: Sure

so i am a little irritated at the idea that i am being punished for having so much time.  this university gives kicking packages, totally helps make the job easier to deal with.  i am not to blame for having so many hours, i would have taken more vacation if not given a hard time when trying to get permission.  as you can see from the conversation my boss thinks i have been given more than i should have.  over the past year she has questioned how much i have been given and if i am certain i have the correct allotment.  gets rather irritating.  i am thinking i may need to just ask for 2 consecutive 1/2 weeks off so i can spend the 54 hours, cuz i am not giving them up and will gladly bring it up with hr...  thanks.