A Look Inside - Who Knew?

wow this week has been hard.

i made it through april 2nd. but it caught up with me and sunday was real hard.

i have been reading a book based on the story of hosea and gomer called redeeming love (francine rivers). (the story of hosea and gomer can be found in the bible in the book of hosea.) the book has a beautiful and heart sickening story. when i read the account in redeeming love i began to FEEL.
i read the descriptions of the woman's feelings and felt what she was feeling. when she is trying to scrub herself clean i burst into tears - all sorts of emotions and beliefs i thought i dealt with long ago, things i had no idea were there, the deepest longings and desires of my heart.
sunday morning i spent the entire worship service with sobs racking my body. the longing to be clean. the desire to be wanted and hope i can have a beautiful future.
sure it is easy to know in my head how to behave and believe but so hard when the heart is tearing apart and broken.
i finished the novel last night. i continue seeking God, my hope and my light in this dark and tragic place. the Lover of my soul wants me to understand His love and perfect will for my life so i ask Him to help me get there. i had no idea life would be so hard and unfair.
i refuse to stuff anymore. there is no where i can go to get away from this pain and heartache.

God provides the laughter and hope through my tears. He takes me in His strong, safe arms and comforts my bleeding heart. He listens to my cries and pain, He has saved each tear - none have fallen that He did not collect. He is intimately aware of me.
how i long for this season to be complete, to see the healing and the final scene, yet i must wait until it is finished. there is so much to do.

maybe this sounds like rambling, my thoughts are often confused with the stress and lack of care i have for myself. there is so much going on right now, in me, around me, through me. still, i know God is at work.
strange. He is at work everywhere and yet also completely with me all throughout the days and nights. i have never experienced anyone so aware of me before, it is wonderful and scary all at once.
i am finding that i am part of other's lives. He is doing that, somehow He thinks i am wonderful and wants others to know me. how did that happen? how did i become wanted? by Him or others?
He is inviting me to be part of something. i did not think i could be anything (the ache is great) - that unclean place again. i did not realize i felt so dirty and impossibly unclean. i experienced so many judgments passed by people who did not know me or want to know me. there were many situations where there was no acceptance. have we not all experienced this??
even so many judgments i passed on others myself. cruel how we deal with our hurt.

somewhere here i am coming to the conclusion that we are all the same - we hurt and bleed, we cover it up and destroy ourselves and others, we cannot do this thing called life by ourselves. we need a Savior. we need a love that goes into us and does not leave us feeling destroyed or raped. we need acceptance right where we are. we just want to be liked for who we are - whenever we discover who we are, really.