Just What I Need

had a long talk with a family friend today, via mom - she three way called umm how do i say that? do you get the picture?? it was so nice to hear what is going on with her. and nice to hear mom and she talk about how things went about when i was younger.
k, that all sounds confusing. let me take a different spin.
it was great to hear their stories. i knew about some of the situations, but to hear their account of it - well it just amazes me how God works. there is no way to beat personal experience. when you hunger for Him, you will find Him.
so there we were, three individuals. three very different circumstances all the same desire - to seriously know God in a very real way.
i find myself running from Him, even when my experience says He is just what i want and need.
mom finds herself trying to find herself in Him and a bit afraid, possibly angry too - heck aren't we all in some way (i know i usually am because things never go the way i demand they do....)
our friend trying to find the balance of it all
(k, it was much more that these three simple statements, but i am never going to have enough time to follow all the threads tonight..).
we each encouraged the other. reminding one another of His great love and ability. and these two know me. they have watched me grow up, heard all kinds of things from me, and see my heart. they have seen the struggles, the failures (k, i thought they were failures, but maybe my perspective was wrong.) and to hear them speak of me with the words they used. well, God gives me hope, and these two sure sparked it again.
i had begun a desperate search for love and interaction from people again.
i was determined i would find it no matter the cost. bull headed i had begun thinking how to go about it. knowing it was the wrong solution, i felt i had to act somehow, even if it was wrong.
the reality - there is no person that can give me what God alone can provide. i can't demand it from my husband or family. anywhere i look for interaction and acceptance will leave me feeling empty. and i have been there enough to know the guilt of being in the wrong place, looking for the wrong thing. (haven't we all???)

the TRUTH - when God provides His loving hand to me, through another person, it does meet the need.

when God gives me loving words through my interaction with Him and with those He puts in my life, it does meet the need. searching for it i will never find it. searching for Him leads me to the exact thing i need.

so on that note, i am going to go beyond my fear and rebellion and meet with Him before i go to bed.

Papa, i need You even for that - help me get to You tonight and know Your loving acceptance. even Your approval of me, Your creation.