'I Hate You!' I Screamed

'i hate You!' i screamed. 'You lie! You told me You would heal me, make me whole! that You would bless all i put my hands to! that my land would prosper! and i am broken, i am hurt! i am not healed! and i am stuck with a man that won't love me! You lie, Your word lies. and i hate You.' the words echoed in my bathroom. 'i hate You.' i sobbed.
i felt a sigh of relief. almost as if He was glad i finally let out the words and emotions.

'he can't.' i heard.

'he can't love you the way I can.'

i was still.

'no one can love you the way I can. there is not a single soul that will give you what you need and crave, but Me. I so want to pour My love into you. I don't want you to ever feel this disparity and helplessness.'
He was so gentle. for the first time His voice changed.
before my expression of words, i would hear Him yet there was a tinge of judgement. always pointing out how i was wrong. that i was not walking in love. that i was not standing in faith. that there are countless stories in the Bible of people waiting years for an answer. that i really did not hate Him and knew He did not lie. none of that.
just a simple 'I know and accept how you feel. I approve of you still and My love for you will never change, even when you speak to Me this way.'
i was at peace for the first time in weeks. it seemed a lifetime ago that i hurt. God is so good, and seriously wants the things between us to go. if i hold onto the hurtful words from others, the actions taken or not taken - well that gets in the way of what He is trying to do, get close to me.
i spent the rest of the afternoon in His loving arms. i felt so accepted and approved of that i was able to dress as she-rambo and go to a birthday party totally camied out (in camouflage colours, even on my face...). i had a blast and did not even feel out of place tho i was the only one dressed up. (i use dressed up loosely...)
know what, God even showed me how His love covers me. He opened my eyes to see that things are not what i see. there are so many areas He has healed and made me whole - just not the way i thought He should (i hear a chuckle every time i say that He answers prayers in ways i don't expect and am surprised. imagine being surprised by the Almighty Creator.).
so when i tell you that He wants a real relationship with you. know that He wants the nitty gritty too. He deservers respect and honour. at times my humanness gets the better of me and that is what He gets to see, and still it seems He is alright with it. He pulls me close and tells me again how He thinks i am the coolest and wants to be my friend, that He has great plans for me and wishes to see the best for my life, watching me be His hands and feet to others. what a God i serve.