Regurgitating

it is neat to be learning all this stuff, and i am sure it is good that i can repeat it all too. yet i am unsure if i am truly living it. i find that situations come up in my mind (the dead cat..) and i forgive all involved (if it is the same situation that i have already forgiven and there is not a new revelation about it then i remind myself and the enemy that it has been forgiven and i am not holding it.). i let it go. i believe it is taken care of, yet it comes up again. soo i am learning to walk in forgiveness and continue letting it go.

also wish this wisdom would just pour out of me. i think i am following wisdom, and then i do something stupid. i guess it is the eternal war between what i want and what is right fighting in me.

i can be rather inpatient. and really i don't want to experience any more trials at this point, i am still a bit wobbly after the past few months of stuff. but then - i really want this stuff finished. i don't like the torment that comes with not forgiving EVERYTHING/ONE. i don't like the suffering that comes with trying to please everyone - being afraid of what they think, rather than having the fear and respect for God's laws. (which might i add, actually bring me peace and safety. you know - don't murder, even if it is hidden in your heart.) don't harbor bad feelings toward anyone - it keeps you captive to how you feel and really doesn't effect them, just your relationship with them. etc.....

so as i was saying, regurgitating is the easy part. it is the trial by fire that is so hard. can i really stand and let change happen, or will i run for cover begging to be removed from the situation. (i am not certain God will let me out of the situation .... )

it is amazing how one can get them-self in such a predicament. i read the bible and am amazed at the depth i have gone. and i know we each have gone to a depth we can not believe we could go.... but i don't get to compare myself with you, or even with myself. i have the standard of Jesus - i am actually to live life like He did. He became angry - righteous indignation against people taking advantage of others, but He did not sin against anyone. i took anger and sinned. clearly sinned. i am not beating myself up - just amazed that i got to that point. (k, maybe i am beating myself a bit. i always thought i should really be punished...) it just proved to me that the human nature is selfish and nasty. and i can not live this life apart from God. i have no strength to stand, much less try walking a straight road. i need Him, i need what is in His word. and only through His healing can i be completely whole.

i found the other day that what i desperately thought i needed was actually an excuse to be "okay". i wanted sympathy for my situation. someone to say that i was not acting too bad, they had those feelings too at times. but it is clear in the word that what your motive is when you do an action - that is what you are judged by. i needed the wounding truth of someone that loves me. someone that wants the best for me and knows that if i continue in this behavior i will bring destruction to myself.

these attitudes that are against God and against me - that is what hurts me, and i ended up hurting others too. it is not okay for me to feel bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, rage, wrath. it is not okay for me to gossip about what is going on and slander those involved. living with those attitudes denounces the goodness that God is trying to do. causing me to deny what is right. when i am speaking negative about the situation and i have not made up my mind about what is to right to believe and do, then nothing good can happen. we know the "double minded man can not stand" statement. when i don't choose to speak in faith, speak the goodness of God in my situation even when i can't see it, then i make the decision to speak in negative faith - giving power to the destruction of my situation.

okay, so maybe i need to just stand and believe that these things are being taken care of. i know God's goodness, i have experienced it. i have lived in it and been part of it. He is showing me these attitudes and how to take action to get them out of my life - you have to see it to acknowledge it and begin a change. so there it is. i see these behaviors. i have asked forgiveness, given forgiveness (we forgive not because it is deserved, but because we have been forgiven - greatly.), and received forgiveness. i have released healing power to cleanse the wounds and heal the hurts. i have confessed the actions to those i have done them (there are still a few more people i need to ask to forgive me.) and asked them to pray for me. and now i am awaiting the next step. (again maybe i am needing to complete this step. God has shown me some people i need to ask forgiveness and prayer from, that will set some parts of my life free.)

God is good to show me these things. He is faithful to me and i am thankful He did not leave me in these situations with no hope. He heals and restores me. He gives me what i need. i am highly favored.

reach out and grab hold of anything you can get from God. He is always good, always faithful, always loving..... so many things that i can not put the words all down. He is exactly what you need - especially when it looks like you need something else, it really is Him.