well, today has been a harsh day. mom and sam left just as a cold front is settling in here. (tho it may not cause too much trouble.) i am sad to see them go.
have you ever found yourself in a place wondering if you can really change? for most of my life i have white-knuckled along. hoping somehow to make things work. there have been times when i trusted God to actually make a difference, but most of the time i have just walked along angry that things aren't going my way. (can cause a lot of heartache for those that love you..)
today i recognized that doing something the same way for years and expecting a different result does not happen - some call that insanity. the bubble is burst, the dream i have woken up from. i can't keep being what i have been. and that scares me. i am so afraid - there is no way for me to change it. i have not power, discipline, ability. (again trusting in myself is the white-knuckling.) i have never let myself trust God. And if i don't the consequences are worse than i want to pay. some may be what i have to pay anyways - i may not have a choice here. that freezes me, making it so hard to take another step. and i MUST step, those consequences again. that whole doing the same thing and expecting different results....
my perspective has been skewed, and i thought, well it hasn't been working. so tonight as i sat with my communion wafer and grape juice i began to realize only God can do this... only He has the ability to change what i am into what i can be. i can no longer fake it. and i am unsure what to do, alright i kinda have a pict of what to do, but no idea how i am going to do it. one step at a time, one decision at a time.
pastor mark reminded me on thurs night, through the sermon - do what you know and you will know what to do, God inhabits the praise of His people. i am still His people, i want a real change and the pain just may be great enough to see change finally. i am afraid of losing what is dear to me, and have been instructed to not worry about it. God help me, i have not the strength or ability.
He does, i hope i have not decided too late.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment