wwwwwwwwwwwooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! so i am reminded that once upon a time i was blogging, like mad... and i look here to find that i have not posted since nov 1. what the heck??? where have i been???!!!
for starters:
the job is going great. i have finally found a rhythm - only took a month (that is dripping with sarcasm.. guess i thought i would just step in and know what i was doing. that is a totally different issue tho - something to do with the strange expectation that i am perfect....) <--- needs to be blown out of the water. :) tehetehe..
but really i think i have found the steps i need to put into motion so i can be organized and assist in organizing the office.
hope it looks something like this:
Monday -transcripts
Tuesday - mail run, transcripts
Wednesday - assist with academic records, classrooms cleaned up.
Thursday - financials and car, follow up on packets to registrar and transcripts.
Friday - class room schedule and orders for Saturday completed.
along with these duties are setting up and cleaning up classrooms on a daily basis. this is hard because the phones have to be covered while i am doing this and it often takes longer than i would like it to. and the technical issues...
now for personal. because i am so not what i do.
this process of discovering 'the one made by a loving Father' has been hard, challenging, tearful, scary, and very rewarding. things are not as quick as i would like - probably never will be. time to just accept that (easy said, very hard doing...).
i have read 'the velveteen woman' - great book, if you are looking to find what it is to be real, on a real level with God this is perfect.
checking out 'boundaries in marriage' this deals with putting boundaries on my behaviour and not allowing other influences to state who i am and what i am. this is a tough book too but very freeing.
God shows me a beautiful place reserved for me. He is enjoyable and fun. i feel so loved and wanted. there is joy in the midst of this strange situation and healing of wounds i forgot were there. i face the ugly behaviours and beliefs i have carried all my life with the eyes of a loving Master.
HOW DO I EXPLAIN WHAT I AM EXPERIENCING???!!!
this is something YOU have to experience yourself.
God is so loving and it seems crazy to have been running from His arms for so long. i thought i was punishing Him for not healing my heart, fixing my marriage, and straightening out my life. what i did not realize was i was crippling myself. how could i have anything change without knowing i was so loved and desired??? kind of supersedes the need to be prettiest and have others love me as the most wonderful of all. (reminiscent of all the fairy tales..)
truth: i will always desire love and relationship with others - God put it there. i will always want my husband's love, he is the one i chose to spend life with.
my happiness does not rely on rob. or any love from human people. i have found that i so often let others down and do not love the way they need to be loved, what was i thinking demanding it from them? they can no more provide what i need than i can provide what they need. God can work through me to fulfil the need in others but i will never be the provider. neither can another fulfil me.. (again this sounds great, but is sooo hard. it is hard to constantly forgive and let go that i want SOMEONE to give me all i want and need other than God.)
what does all this mean? hmm why don't you take it to the One who's love is pure and ask Him... there are tons of questions to ask, just be ready to see He loves you sooooo.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Something, But Not Sure
so.... it has been two weeks working my crazy shift, three weeks of being ill which finally turned into the flu, and four weeks of october over already. where does the time go? of course if i re-read the first part of that sentence i will see where the time has gone.
it is my belief that monday starts at work around 8.30 and ends around 5, maybe 6 but i am still uncertain. the job is still over my head. turns out i will be carrying duties from the old position into my new one - until they hire a replacement for the evening shift. (it is my hope, and i pray about it at times, that someone will be there in a short few days. i really like the idea of only having new duties to deal with.)
i have been running through my list of blogs. it is hard when i do that because i often see what i do not have. there are pictures of babies and new homes with happy postings. people in pictures laughing and enjoying their relationships. keeps me looking at what it is i hope to have.
i find myself on my knees in the bedroom crying out to God from the deep disappointment in my heart. i continue to grow older and still my marriage seems so rocky and unfriendly - two strangers still. i hear of the children being born and how excited the parents are about the new life and excitement. bitter-sweet fills my heart - excitement and pleasure about the blessing given, and heart sick about the dream not realized - knowing that God will give me just as i asked 'a relationship where our children know they are loved and cared for. a safe place for children to land. a marriage where the children know the parents love one another and there is no doubt of it.' God is excellent in His answer. now to just trust He is doing this.
my throat is swollen and choked and tears sting my eyes. rob sits a few feet away. God is good and He will have His way. i must let Him help me be patient and trusting. i remind myself that there is nothing i can accomplish without His loving strength.
earlier i had been sitting on the couch wondering if i could still do a somersault. so i did one and hurt my shoulder (long suffering injury there...), but i did one. that sparked rob and he asked if i could do a toad something.. he then showed me one and proceeded to do hand stands, cartwheels, and head stands. it was great. we laughed and talked about little things. not quite like friends, but we awkwardly spoke.
two strangers... but God is doing something.
on a side note - mom have a wonderful time in israel.
it is my belief that monday starts at work around 8.30 and ends around 5, maybe 6 but i am still uncertain. the job is still over my head. turns out i will be carrying duties from the old position into my new one - until they hire a replacement for the evening shift. (it is my hope, and i pray about it at times, that someone will be there in a short few days. i really like the idea of only having new duties to deal with.)
i have been running through my list of blogs. it is hard when i do that because i often see what i do not have. there are pictures of babies and new homes with happy postings. people in pictures laughing and enjoying their relationships. keeps me looking at what it is i hope to have.
i find myself on my knees in the bedroom crying out to God from the deep disappointment in my heart. i continue to grow older and still my marriage seems so rocky and unfriendly - two strangers still. i hear of the children being born and how excited the parents are about the new life and excitement. bitter-sweet fills my heart - excitement and pleasure about the blessing given, and heart sick about the dream not realized - knowing that God will give me just as i asked 'a relationship where our children know they are loved and cared for. a safe place for children to land. a marriage where the children know the parents love one another and there is no doubt of it.' God is excellent in His answer. now to just trust He is doing this.
my throat is swollen and choked and tears sting my eyes. rob sits a few feet away. God is good and He will have His way. i must let Him help me be patient and trusting. i remind myself that there is nothing i can accomplish without His loving strength.
earlier i had been sitting on the couch wondering if i could still do a somersault. so i did one and hurt my shoulder (long suffering injury there...), but i did one. that sparked rob and he asked if i could do a toad something.. he then showed me one and proceeded to do hand stands, cartwheels, and head stands. it was great. we laughed and talked about little things. not quite like friends, but we awkwardly spoke.
two strangers... but God is doing something.
on a side note - mom have a wonderful time in israel.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Here Is The News
okay, more whirlwind. i believe the date was october 13th. a position opened at work for full-time days. i was given the option to take it or at least let them know what i would like to do. full-time has been swirling around for months, but nothing available or optional so i really thought it was not ever going to happen. my initial response was a no - i could not leave the evenings open. too much going on to not have a body there to troubleshoot what ever comes up. so i said 'no, i can't switch to days yes i do want the full-time hours.' i went home and began looking for the best way to get forty hours in one week, and be sure all the evenings and sat morning class would be covered. looked something like six days a week or four ten hour days (and where would we find someone wanting to work 9-12 m-th 9-3 fri and 9-1 sat - six days??). as i prayed it dropped in that days would be perfect. i would have evenings off, weekends off, opening opportunities to pursue friendships, schooling, church activity, even cooking supper... my heart tore about leaving the evenings with no replacement, but i was certain that the days would be the best course. i began a prayer for favour and realized that this road was being led by God and He had already given me favour. i went to my supervisor and told her what was going on. she passed the word onto the people that needed to know i was wanting the new position. so long story short - i am now the Oklahoma Wesleyan University Office Manager for our campus. i am thrilled with the benefit package provided and the options i get as a full time employee. God has far exceeded my desires for my job. i am stunned at how quickly it has happened and how wonderful the blessing of it all. i can fully take care of myself financially and have added wonderful benefits to our family. amazing.
i can continue a relationship with my wonderful supervisor (i have two at the moment until mon nov 3rd) and let it grow into friendship beyond where it is now. the opportunities at church have just blown open. and God has connected me in with people i have wanted to become friends with. i am very excited - just in case you have not gathered that.
every 'issue' i had with taking this evening reception job last january have been resolved. just amazing.
and to top it off - i made an agreement that God is honouring. He is seeing it through. i had no idea how to make it happen but according to the information i had rob and i in agreement, i gave my word that we would be doing something in 12 months. then it blew up and i thought it was lost, wondering how i was going to honour my word. and i see that God is honouring it. again WOW
i can continue a relationship with my wonderful supervisor (i have two at the moment until mon nov 3rd) and let it grow into friendship beyond where it is now. the opportunities at church have just blown open. and God has connected me in with people i have wanted to become friends with. i am very excited - just in case you have not gathered that.
every 'issue' i had with taking this evening reception job last january have been resolved. just amazing.
and to top it off - i made an agreement that God is honouring. He is seeing it through. i had no idea how to make it happen but according to the information i had rob and i in agreement, i gave my word that we would be doing something in 12 months. then it blew up and i thought it was lost, wondering how i was going to honour my word. and i see that God is honouring it. again WOW
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
What Do I Do Now?
it has been a whirl-wind weekend and i am still recovering. after that fantastic vision friday morning it seemed things just fell apart. i am so glad God is faithful and well, glad He is Who and What He is.... love beyond what i could hope for.
so the weekend went by and left me exhausted and torn apart.
sunday was a shower for a soon-to-be mom and it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. i was concerned about going because i am not really familiar with many people and i was tired and emotionally spent. even mom was unsure if it was the best place to go (i did not feel capable to even make a decision...) so i went and was welcomed, like visiting friends
then yesterday a position opened at work. i now have some options, only i am not exactly sure what to do. i have been seeking God on the best course of action. putting down the fearful thoughts that come with some of the choices. i think the hardest part is that i don't know what the options are - is it just a free for all where i can put out my requests and they will simply fill in the hours i don't work? or do i need to be able to work a schedule that is equally 'fair' for a new hire? and is that something i need to concern myself with?
if i had my pick??? take days, a 'normal' schedule so i could have interactions at church and socially that i crave? or keep on with the evening and messed up weekends because i am needed there and have made some 'friends' that i can't hang with or do more than say hi and have a good evening?... wow days are looking better already. but is it 'grass is greener on other side' and then reality hits?
would be obvious i need God's direction on this. just as He directed me to take this position in the first place, He can and will, AND desires to guide my steps in this decision. whatever leads away from peace and life is not of Him. this worry and concern is more than i can carry, Papa, let me hear You loud and clear so i can make the decision You want me to make. i surrender, help me stay there.
Proverbs 16:3 (Amplified Bible)
3Roll your works upon the Lord [commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and] so shall your plans be established and succeed.
i use www.bible.com and www.biblegateway.com for references.
so the weekend went by and left me exhausted and torn apart.
sunday was a shower for a soon-to-be mom and it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. i was concerned about going because i am not really familiar with many people and i was tired and emotionally spent. even mom was unsure if it was the best place to go (i did not feel capable to even make a decision...) so i went and was welcomed, like visiting friends
then yesterday a position opened at work. i now have some options, only i am not exactly sure what to do. i have been seeking God on the best course of action. putting down the fearful thoughts that come with some of the choices. i think the hardest part is that i don't know what the options are - is it just a free for all where i can put out my requests and they will simply fill in the hours i don't work? or do i need to be able to work a schedule that is equally 'fair' for a new hire? and is that something i need to concern myself with?
if i had my pick??? take days, a 'normal' schedule so i could have interactions at church and socially that i crave? or keep on with the evening and messed up weekends because i am needed there and have made some 'friends' that i can't hang with or do more than say hi and have a good evening?... wow days are looking better already. but is it 'grass is greener on other side' and then reality hits?
would be obvious i need God's direction on this. just as He directed me to take this position in the first place, He can and will, AND desires to guide my steps in this decision. whatever leads away from peace and life is not of Him. this worry and concern is more than i can carry, Papa, let me hear You loud and clear so i can make the decision You want me to make. i surrender, help me stay there.
Proverbs 16:3 (Amplified Bible)
3Roll your works upon the Lord [commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and] so shall your plans be established and succeed.
i use www.bible.com and www.biblegateway.com for references.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
A Vision
late at night, maybe early morning. on my knees crying out - 'be real. You told me You could be more real than the people around me. that Your love is enough. show me what You can be! show this broken woman what You can be...'
a whip flashes across the scene, striking flesh. 'I want her.'
flesh ripping, anguish and torment crosses the features. 'I want her.'
more flashes of a gruesome whip with torturous flesh-grabbing pieces on the ends, thrashing at skin down to bone. 'she is Mine.'
a steak being driven through feet.
His hand curling around the steak driven into it, a simple reaction to the metal driven through muscle into the flesh and bone. with each pounding He sees my anguished face, full of fear and brokenness.
my face with each agonizing strike. 'this is for her.' His resolve and determination to continue, more than i could ever know.
i see the whip striking over and over tearing flesh off His bones, i hear the metal pounding on the steak, i see the thorns breaking through skin and lodging in His brow. His eyes glazing over, and i know that what He sees is my face.
the knowledge - i almost hear Him, His voice strong, yell at each blow He receives 'she is Mine. this is all for her. I give all I am for her.' nothing is held back.
He took humiliation.
torment.
pain.
brokenness.
torture.
brutality so vivid in this vision.
i feel Him wince. He takes all.
all so He could have me. 'I want her as My own.'
i tell you, no one has ever wanted me like this Man.
flash forward. i see moments of torment in my own life. hurts, blows, shame dealt me by an enemy out to destroy all i am and could ever be. and in the midst of each event i hear: 'she is Mine! you can not have her.' i know it is the Man that gave everything to have me as His own.
flash to the moments of despair 'SHE IS MINE. YOU WILL NOT HAVE HER.' times of great emptiness 'no, this will not interfere, she is Mine and I will have her.' i have never known a protector such as this Man fighting for me in each place of despair He will not leave me.
all the times i have cried out 'where are You!!!! You promised never to leave me. where are You. i am here alone! WHERE ARE YOU!!!'
i see the answer tonight in my vision: He is there in each circumstance 'try as you will, you will not have her. she is Mine. I gave all so I could have her.'
my enemy holds nothing. his cards were all played and my Savior rescued me. each event happened. each one left the wound, one compounding another. yet my Protector took it all long before i would so that He could destroy my enemy and claim me as His very own. i saw the horror He went through in vivid, live detail. it all began with His determination through what appeared to be His destruction 'i want her. i will give all for her.'
a whip flashes across the scene, striking flesh. 'I want her.'
flesh ripping, anguish and torment crosses the features. 'I want her.'
more flashes of a gruesome whip with torturous flesh-grabbing pieces on the ends, thrashing at skin down to bone. 'she is Mine.'
a steak being driven through feet.
His hand curling around the steak driven into it, a simple reaction to the metal driven through muscle into the flesh and bone. with each pounding He sees my anguished face, full of fear and brokenness.
my face with each agonizing strike. 'this is for her.' His resolve and determination to continue, more than i could ever know.
i see the whip striking over and over tearing flesh off His bones, i hear the metal pounding on the steak, i see the thorns breaking through skin and lodging in His brow. His eyes glazing over, and i know that what He sees is my face.
the knowledge - i almost hear Him, His voice strong, yell at each blow He receives 'she is Mine. this is all for her. I give all I am for her.' nothing is held back.
He took humiliation.
torment.
pain.
brokenness.
torture.
brutality so vivid in this vision.
i feel Him wince. He takes all.
all so He could have me. 'I want her as My own.'
i tell you, no one has ever wanted me like this Man.
flash forward. i see moments of torment in my own life. hurts, blows, shame dealt me by an enemy out to destroy all i am and could ever be. and in the midst of each event i hear: 'she is Mine! you can not have her.' i know it is the Man that gave everything to have me as His own.
flash to the moments of despair 'SHE IS MINE. YOU WILL NOT HAVE HER.' times of great emptiness 'no, this will not interfere, she is Mine and I will have her.' i have never known a protector such as this Man fighting for me in each place of despair He will not leave me.
all the times i have cried out 'where are You!!!! You promised never to leave me. where are You. i am here alone! WHERE ARE YOU!!!'
i see the answer tonight in my vision: He is there in each circumstance 'try as you will, you will not have her. she is Mine. I gave all so I could have her.'
my enemy holds nothing. his cards were all played and my Savior rescued me. each event happened. each one left the wound, one compounding another. yet my Protector took it all long before i would so that He could destroy my enemy and claim me as His very own. i saw the horror He went through in vivid, live detail. it all began with His determination through what appeared to be His destruction 'i want her. i will give all for her.'
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
And Here We Are Again
I GOT MY PHONE!!!! i am so excited. and trying to learn it all. there are a lot of features, most i can not use yet because i have no pda package - just too darn expensive right now.
this past weekend was a blast. i took off saturday so rob and i could attend an investing seminar. we thoroughly enjoyed it and will be pursing the education this next year. i am already praying that God will show us the route to pursue and help us get everything into place in the next 12 months, according to His will.
we went to the haunted castle in muskogee. AND HAD A BLAST. i asked rob what his favourite part was and he said 'do i have to pick one?'. i then knew he had a great time too. :) we got a two fer one to the renaissance festival. likewise when we go to the festival we will have the opportunity to get a two fer one to the haunted castle. see a pattern here?....
and i did not have to work or go in at all this weekend to work. i am so happy.
rob and i really had a great weekend together. seems that God is doing a wonderful thing with us, and i am learning to just let go and trust that God wants it more than i do.
have a wonderful....
this past weekend was a blast. i took off saturday so rob and i could attend an investing seminar. we thoroughly enjoyed it and will be pursing the education this next year. i am already praying that God will show us the route to pursue and help us get everything into place in the next 12 months, according to His will.
we went to the haunted castle in muskogee. AND HAD A BLAST. i asked rob what his favourite part was and he said 'do i have to pick one?'. i then knew he had a great time too. :) we got a two fer one to the renaissance festival. likewise when we go to the festival we will have the opportunity to get a two fer one to the haunted castle. see a pattern here?....
and i did not have to work or go in at all this weekend to work. i am so happy.
rob and i really had a great weekend together. seems that God is doing a wonderful thing with us, and i am learning to just let go and trust that God wants it more than i do.
have a wonderful....
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Wow All That - Amazing
already a full week and i am unsure where to start with all that has happened and been going on..
state fair friday night.
saturday was full with work and... well i guess i don't remember much else from sat night. we stayed in and had pizza with movie i think.
sunday - went to second service. home, headed out to Fireproof movie. (man just watching the trailer chokes me up every time.) it was sold out and we had a prior engagement at the next showing plus early morning so we headed home for an hour or so. went to supper for a going away party. that sure was enjoyable to be around all the people. got to check out the palm treo 680 that a few of the folks had and that sealed me wanting one (see So Excited And I Just Can't Hide It.)
monday - work and came home to find one of the dogs had been pretty sick (or maybe it happened before i left for work, can't remember exactly.) rob was home before me (yeah!! he likes his new schedule).
tuesday - rob's break lines went out and so there was a lot of running around to get estimates and then parts with one vehicle it was pretty time consuming and he ended up staying at work until picking me up around 10pm. somehow with all that i still made it to work early and boy was it a FULL night. came home and cleaned up kaci's sick mess ALL OVER THE HOUSE (okay just the floors, but it was pretty overwhelming. i was so glad rob was here because i was still pinging from such a hectic work night. i had to just stop and breath, then i steam cleaned about an hour.)
wednesday - early morning, took rob to work. came home and have been monitoring the dog most of the day. she is outside now. still pretty sick.
i have to get ready for work soon because this is my 'early' day and i can never seem to get there until 10 min after i should be there. soooo wish me luck.
this weekend: Fireproof movie (just in case you did not get enough, click here.)
hoping to get to the Haunted House in Muskogee, Ok. then a two-day seminar saturday and sunday. (glad for saturday evening services...) then back to work... wow, i may be tired already.
later.
state fair friday night.
saturday was full with work and... well i guess i don't remember much else from sat night. we stayed in and had pizza with movie i think.
sunday - went to second service. home, headed out to Fireproof movie. (man just watching the trailer chokes me up every time.) it was sold out and we had a prior engagement at the next showing plus early morning so we headed home for an hour or so. went to supper for a going away party. that sure was enjoyable to be around all the people. got to check out the palm treo 680 that a few of the folks had and that sealed me wanting one (see So Excited And I Just Can't Hide It.)
monday - work and came home to find one of the dogs had been pretty sick (or maybe it happened before i left for work, can't remember exactly.) rob was home before me (yeah!! he likes his new schedule).
tuesday - rob's break lines went out and so there was a lot of running around to get estimates and then parts with one vehicle it was pretty time consuming and he ended up staying at work until picking me up around 10pm. somehow with all that i still made it to work early and boy was it a FULL night. came home and cleaned up kaci's sick mess ALL OVER THE HOUSE (okay just the floors, but it was pretty overwhelming. i was so glad rob was here because i was still pinging from such a hectic work night. i had to just stop and breath, then i steam cleaned about an hour.)
wednesday - early morning, took rob to work. came home and have been monitoring the dog most of the day. she is outside now. still pretty sick.
i have to get ready for work soon because this is my 'early' day and i can never seem to get there until 10 min after i should be there. soooo wish me luck.
this weekend: Fireproof movie (just in case you did not get enough, click here.)
hoping to get to the Haunted House in Muskogee, Ok. then a two-day seminar saturday and sunday. (glad for saturday evening services...) then back to work... wow, i may be tired already.
later.
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