I Need Vulnerability - Scary Huh?

k so i have been doing some searching, trying to stay away from asking for too much help from Jesus - i know i am cracked, and i don't know why i am doing it this way but i keep finding myself keeping away from Him.  and the strange thing - the more i talk with people the more they keep leading me to the bible.  i hear from all sorts of angles that His word is so comforting.  so now i want to know what scriptures to read, what will weave through to my core bringing me into the warmth of living?  

i actually remember a time when i went straight to Him and would hear His voice speaking to me love and encouragement.  i long for His voice in my ear.  i long for His arms around me and to know He is holding me, longing to not let me go.  i know that is truth, He doesn't reject me and loves having my attention, He loves seeing the joy on my face when i speak of Him to one that is hurting and longing for His love. 

i want to have the reality of His touch and know my senses are filled with Him.  i don't want to just go to a book and read about Him, even when the book confirms and solidifies what i am knowing of Him.  

Jesus, i want You.  i don't want to hear someone tell me about You, i don't want to read a book that takes time to figure You out from the words.  if i pick up that book will You clearly show me who You are?  i don't want to be confused and frustrated.  

i need to connect with You.

i was listening to dr brene brown yesterday; her talk on vulnerability.  i realize i am back at the place where i have shut You out.  i don't want to be vulnerable, i am afraid of something.  i think i am afraid You will ask me to give up what i do not want to at this moment.  to that, i remember being in this situation before, You did not ask me to give up anything.  You let me choose the moment.  i know free will is important to You, and the decision to give anything came from a desire to love You more than the thing that had me.  help me want to be vulnerable again.  help me want to let You inside.  

(the recording from dr brene brown: X)