Pain or Less Pain

im feeling a breakdown in patience again.  the season seems long and likely to stretch out for a period of time i don't want it to stretch into.  (somewhere in the back of my mind i realize that timing with God is perfect and the time needed to develop this relationship into the best it can be is the time the season will last...)  truly i know i want to put into this season the time, i am not saying this relationship is not worth putting in the time i just wish it could be now.  (hmm so maybe i am saying it is not worth the time... that is a scary thought..)

the character issues we both have need to be addressed separately.  just being together is not going to help the other address and care for the issue.  i think that if i am there to help diffuse a situation it will help, but that is not the case.  if something is going to get scot irritated it won't really matter if i am there or not.  likewise if i get my feelings hurt him being near is not going to really take the sting from the remark and keep me from saying something to really rip the other person up.  great, another area that needs help.  + here is that You alone can help, just do i want to do it Your way or keep up the ignoring act?

this weekend couldn't be long enough.  i am still reeling from the interaction with what's his face.  all the questions and thoughts that accompanying the 'white car'.  knowing the answers truly don't matter and could lead me down a path i really don't want to pursue, but am curious about anyway.  better way is to let it go and walk away.  am i going to choose better or bad on this one?  pain or less pain?...

Whirlwind

it has been a while since my last post.  much has happened and i don't want to put the reader to sleep trying to recap it all.  

texas: wonderful.  i got to spend much needed time conversing with scot and being certain i was in the correct frame of mind (i tend to get off track and need reminders, a lot actually).  we went to a lake, met up with some of his friends (had a blast!!!), hung with his mom and dad (wonderful always), and then hung with one another a lot.  it was a beautiful time, and frankly very hard to come back to tulsa.

kansas city: great!!  charity and i spent each nigh out exploring, listening to music, and dancing till our toes went numb.  it was wonderful to see her grandpa and family.  we also shopped and tanned, o and went to starbucks!! holla..

then back here to tulsa where i got sick within 24 hours - yuck.  oklahoma is the state of allergies, if you don't have them now you will shortly.  (can i get some rain up in here??!!)

i also found out that a payment i had been waiting to clear my bank account was returned - and that the account i was trying to pay out of was the old account robert and i shared.  talk about horrifying and embarrassing!!  got it straightened out and the money back to him, and yay don't have to interact with him anymore.  i am more shaken than i would like to admit but don't know how to convey that to anyone yet.  im certain it will come.

well i am off for a nap so that i can greet friday night with gusto.  later.

Just A Little Bit

ok it has officially taken me three days to become bored.  that means that i have finally taken care of my need of sleep and homework.  and, accordig to a book about stress and adrenalin, i am now at a calm state... whatever - i am ready to do something!!!

scot mentioned going bowling or to a place for some billiards, i am hoping we will get out and do so cuz it sounds exciting to me (we have decided on the movie taveran to see i am four yay!!).  i am ready for just about anything as long as it is out of the house.  i watched movies all day yesterday and am tired of tv.  i have even read as much as i have been allowed, ppl like to talk and so do so reading is not getting done much.

well i am now tired so i shall be off to find a bed.

later :)

I'm Here

YAY i am here!!!!  i headed out thursday morning and got here around 1o'clock.  it was a wonderful drive and i got lost only twice but not for more than 2 minutes at a time.

it is wonderful to be here with scot.  i so enjoy getting to see him and catch up.  i still am amazed at how God can put something like this together and i am looking forward to our time together when he gets to tulsa.

i am dreading the day i have to head home already.

tonight we are going out with his parents and i so completely enjoy hanging with his parents too.

scot's dad is out in the shop working on a custom bumper for his son-in-law.  being out there in that shop takes me back to the days of grandpa on the farm.  he had a great shop with all kinds of neat machines and fabricating materials.  makes me so miss him.  i sat out there the other night and held the tears back and felt fortunate that scot is interested in manufacturing with metals.  i actually would like to work up the courage to work with some of the materials also, i hope, actually i totally believe scot has the patience and just the right way of encouraging me to give that kind of work a go.

going to the place scot's dad works reminded me of my uncle's auto parts store in scott city, only it was much cooler.  the place is a welding supply store and seemed so very completely clean in comparison.  i so enjoyed the trip to that place.

the days are spent in hanging around the house and i do enjoy getting out with the family when we go.  i am looking forward to the remainder of the vacation and i know it will be so very hard to head back to tulsa.  i really enjoy my time here each time i have gotten to come.

laters

Feelin Like I Am Missing Out - Hope It Is Worth It

the countdown is more than half way over.  i am more excited than i can believe about leaving the tulsa skyline behind for eight straight days and then four more days after that.  i am at the end of my course work for two separate classes - whew.  and i am pushing hard to stay focused so i can get as much done on my papers as possible - i only have one left to do actually and it is very difficult to stay focused.  i knew it would be hard and so i planned to keep motivated with the idea that vacation was the reward to all the hard work.

however, the past week i have had to say no to all kinds of wonderful events i did not know were going to happen when i signed up for these courses.  and i am feeling it!!!  dinners with friends, tonight is a b-day party i don't get to attend... jeeze, i had no idea!

i know i will have down time while in tx, but i don't want to push it.  this last paper is still due on the 16th and i really don't feel like leaving it till last minute and missing out on what may happen while i am vacationing, plus what is the point of a vacation when i have stuff to work on?  i want to be able to rest and watch movies or whatever whenever i want!  

guess i better buck up and get working cuz i won't have any time tomorrow night - i will be in class - and this paper has several hours still left on it...

So Close I Can Feel The Calm

the countdown has begun.  i am leaving in less than 7 days and can hardly wait.  the idea of getting in my car, rolling the windows down, and turning on the music - o and turning on the gps too - actually makes my body feel calm.  it has been forever since i took a road trip and i just love them.

i have been working hard to get all my assignments done so i won't have anything to do when i am on vacation.  thanks to the snow and missing one class, the school decided to extend that class into the week of break.  i spoke with the instructor telling him it was vital for me to have this break and what did i need to do to get things turned in.  i think i will be able to get it all done.  i have two papers due , and some minor posting, but think i can get them all done this next week, it means working on them each night till they are done though, or until i can't go anymore hehehe.  

last night, or rather this morning at 3, i woke up covered in sweat after having fallen asleep at 9.  somewhere between 9 and 3 i woke freezing and grabbed more blankets while turning on my space heater.  confused? me too, i'm still not feeling so well, but i think i broke a fever. strange how i get sick before a vacation - think it is because i am always working so hard to get to that vacation and i don't allow a day of rest somewhere in the ramming everything into place so i can keep a steady pace.  the past weeks i have been exhausted by 7, completely ready to crawl in bed and crash.  should have given in i tell you.  

all of this to get me to the point of driving in my car with the windows down and music cranked.  that is the best feeling there is.  i want to leave the tulsa skyline far behind and just drive.

i still need to get an oil change, balance tires - or at least check the air in them, get my pants hemmed, pick up my shoes that are being fixed, plus the homework.  then pack.  think that gets me caught up at least :).  

then drive lol, i think i already mentioned that though.

I Need Vulnerability - Scary Huh?

k so i have been doing some searching, trying to stay away from asking for too much help from Jesus - i know i am cracked, and i don't know why i am doing it this way but i keep finding myself keeping away from Him.  and the strange thing - the more i talk with people the more they keep leading me to the bible.  i hear from all sorts of angles that His word is so comforting.  so now i want to know what scriptures to read, what will weave through to my core bringing me into the warmth of living?  

i actually remember a time when i went straight to Him and would hear His voice speaking to me love and encouragement.  i long for His voice in my ear.  i long for His arms around me and to know He is holding me, longing to not let me go.  i know that is truth, He doesn't reject me and loves having my attention, He loves seeing the joy on my face when i speak of Him to one that is hurting and longing for His love. 

i want to have the reality of His touch and know my senses are filled with Him.  i don't want to just go to a book and read about Him, even when the book confirms and solidifies what i am knowing of Him.  

Jesus, i want You.  i don't want to hear someone tell me about You, i don't want to read a book that takes time to figure You out from the words.  if i pick up that book will You clearly show me who You are?  i don't want to be confused and frustrated.  

i need to connect with You.

i was listening to dr brene brown yesterday; her talk on vulnerability.  i realize i am back at the place where i have shut You out.  i don't want to be vulnerable, i am afraid of something.  i think i am afraid You will ask me to give up what i do not want to at this moment.  to that, i remember being in this situation before, You did not ask me to give up anything.  You let me choose the moment.  i know free will is important to You, and the decision to give anything came from a desire to love You more than the thing that had me.  help me want to be vulnerable again.  help me want to let You inside.  

(the recording from dr brene brown: X)