About Me

My photo
Oklahoma, United States
i am in the midst of a huge life change. learning what grace says about me. letting God's love speak and embrace me. when i fall down, He's there with me. i am a daughter. i am a wonderful treasure.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

From A Birthday Party...

friend's son had a bday party - i dressed up (was the only one...) and had a blast. here is some evidence....

Monday, August 25, 2008

What Does It Look Like...

to be in love with your best friend:

complete acceptance of me. who i am, what i like and don't like, my opinions. not judging me by the fear that grips me or how i express it.

being able to not fear any sort of judgement, knowing i am loved simply because i am loved - not by what i do. the worry about not being liked or accepted for what i am would be destroyed by the love shown me.

trusting what is said is true and would happen.

i would want to spend all my waking moments with the person, getting to know everything about them. it would be exciting and fun, scary too at times.

we would touch each other, hugs, holding hands, faces in hands, looking into each other's eyes. no emotion would be too much, no depth wrong to go to.

every thought would be important to one another. every dream something to pursue and see brought to life. my desires would not be threatening, neither would i be threatened by the desires and dreams of my friend/love.

i would know that i am wanted and delighted in at all times, and see the proof of it daily, minute by minute if needed.

there would be lots of romance and conversations, and the times of quiet would be deep and comfortable.

no situation would be too much because we would do it together. we would do everything together, groceries, cleaning, driving places, work, life, family, church, etc... never separated.

i would never be alone or abandoned, the hurts in my life would be cared for and tended. lots of laughter and smiles. i would grow and blossom in this kind of love.

'Would you come and let Me show you that Love truly looks like this?' God.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

New Glasses

yeeeehawwwww here are my new glasses, and me with my new glasses

here are my 'regular' glassess and my sun glasses

different poses







and they only cost me $25 a piece, including shipping. get prescription glasses at http://www.goggles4u.com/

Monday, August 18, 2008

How Could I Say....

i originally started this blog as a daily journalling experience. since starting i have realized that i can not lay out the depth of my experience and inner workings of my heart because it is simply not safe. i hate being judged and there are often intense feelings and emotions in my heart, ones that when taken to my Creator, He clarifies and cleans up - showing me the truth and setting me free from those deepest fears and hurts. but until i take them to Him i am base and angry.
it is the deepest cry to be open with, well every person that comes across my path - or here to read this blog. the struggles, hopes, dreams; the journey of where Life, Himself, is taking me. yet there are fears of being judged and, well being judged is about enough.... but then add rejection and all that stuff that comes with rejection. anyway, i still must share my heart, it is something i simply can not run away from.
so -
as with everyone, my life has turned so many turns that at times i have no idea where i am. so many regrets and so many good things (which are harder to see most of the time). i find myself in a place i hoped to never be, facing hurt and pain that i would rather have left buried (yet, God comes to heal the broken heart and bind our wounds so we can be a total whole person. you can not be what you dream of becoming while hiding in a house of pain and hurt.) He calls us to a great adventure where the inner most dream of our heart comes to reality. and to get there is a dangerous and scary journey. there could be more wounds and rejection, there could be failures and overwhelming obstacles, and the odds against us seem incalculable.. but still He calls us to come and join Him, for He will never leave us or turn His back on us. others desperately need to know Him through our journey. and we need that freedom - to be what we were created, fashioned to be.
my personality is to 'do it together', to have lots of friends and we all go together skipping rope and holding hands. so God came to me and asked - if no one goes with you, what will you choose? Me or others? (now, i have never been good at counting the costs, and i really feel that i have prayed some pretty {now they seem} stupid prayers {you know, help me have patience, no one on the throne of my heart but You, etc}. so this time i realized that what He is asking may cost me more than i want to pay. {did i mention there is a lot of hurt and pain now??} yet, His promise to care for me and love me and take me where i need to be is so inviting. and the screaming in my heart to BE something to Him and to others, they are too much to ignore. so the cost will just have to be paid for this.) i said 'yes. yes i will go with You, even if another will not.' peace filled the room and the grip on my heart lessened considerably. He will somehow always protect and love me. and in this i can become a beautiful, strong woman. grace and beauty, knowing ultimate love and acceptance so that any human rejection can be born. to know the unfailing love of One that is passionate about me.
how could i say no?

Monday, August 11, 2008

My Story In A Comic

this is a little comic strip i have been working on. i see this little ninja girl with a tarnished sword saying she just can't go on, she is tired and worn out and doesn't know if she can go on any more.
second frame shows her tiny form climbing up to the face of God. she puts her hands around His face and says - 'i need Your attention NOW.' He pulls her close, and listens to all the tears and heartache, the entire time telling her He knows, He understands the fears the feelings and the situation. acknowledging it all. then He takes her tarnished sword and as He touches it, the sword comes alive with light and bright color comes back to it. He says He's got it covered and will fix what needs to be fixed. revived and ready the girl flys out after her enemy. yelling out 'i know Who's i am, i know what is mine, here i come with the true power and authority. back off!!!' last frame is God, Himself standing with His arms in the air 'ahh, My Priceless Daughter.! I'm with you always. go get 'em!'


if you click on the picture it will enlarge so you can see detail.

this really hits with my heart and i believe the powerful story is when we know where we stand with our Creator, we begin to understand how the battle is already won and it is fantastic to wield such power over the one that hates us and hates God.

....














































































Saturday, August 2, 2008

What Is Friendship?

i am puzzled by this question. when i was younger (high school) it was so easy. friends - we just talked. homework, jobs, interests (were there any then?), cruised main street, anything and everything, problems with other friends. i can't even remember most of that.
after hs i never really let my guard down and got close to anyone. i have never felt 'safe' with anyone. i don't know how to be a friend. i feel that i have forgotten what it is to connect with people, and when there is a connection it gets awkward quickly. a skill i was once so very good with has disappeared.
how do i awaken this sleeping talent? how do i find another that i can be open and honest with out feeling exposed? (and why do i feel it would be exposure? i think there are such neat things about myself and others are fascinating too so why is it that i feel there is such a dark thing in me? don't we all suffer from some thing we believe is not the best quality to have? doesn't that actually make us human and - dare i say - normal?) and there is this desperate cry to be vulnerable with others, i don't want the possible pain it can - most likely will - cause, why does it have to be so difficult?
i remember hanging out at people's homes. chatting about anything and everything, laughing A LOT.... where did it all go?
so what do you do for fun? how do you make friends when you move to a new place? when a new person come in the picture do you make room for them?
this world can be such a lonely place, why go through it by yourself when there are so many others looking for a connection with you? it is our design, we were made for relationships with others. crafted to fit into people's lives, needing acceptance and love... so what is my part to play in this?
kathy, i am sorry i have not been a good friend. and so many others i have lost contact with.. lets try again.