i originally started this blog as a daily journalling experience. since starting i have realized that i can not lay out the depth of my experience and inner workings of my heart because it is simply not safe. i hate being judged and there are often intense feelings and emotions in my heart, ones that when taken to my Creator, He clarifies and cleans up - showing me the truth and setting me free from those deepest fears and hurts. but until i take them to Him i am base and angry.
it is the deepest cry to be open with, well every person that comes across my path - or here to read this blog. the struggles, hopes, dreams; the journey of where Life, Himself, is taking me. yet there are fears of being judged and, well being judged is about enough.... but then add rejection and all that stuff that comes with rejection. anyway, i still must share my heart, it is something i simply can not run away from.
so -
as with everyone, my life has turned so many turns that at times i have no idea where i am. so many regrets and so many good things (which are harder to see most of the time). i find myself in a place i hoped to never be, facing hurt and pain that i would rather have left buried (yet, God comes to heal the broken heart and bind our wounds so we can be a total whole person. you can not be what you
dream of becoming while hiding in a house of pain and hurt.) He calls us to a great adventure where the inner most dream of our heart comes to reality. and to get there is a dangerous and scary journey. there could be more wounds and rejection, there could be failures and overwhelming obstacles, and the odds against us seem incalculable.. but still He calls us to come and join Him, for He will never leave us or turn His back on us. others desperately need to know Him through our journey. and we need that freedom - to be what we were created, fashioned to be.
my personality is to 'do it together', to have lots of friends and we all go together skipping rope and holding hands. so God came to me and asked - if no one goes with you, what will you choose? Me or others? (now, i have never been good at counting the costs, and i really feel that i have prayed some pretty {
now they seem} stupid prayers {you know, help me have patience, no one on the throne of my heart but You, etc}. so this time i realized that what He is asking may cost me more than i want to pay. {did i mention there is a lot of hurt and pain now??} yet, His promise to care for me and love me and take me where i need to be is so inviting. and the screaming in my heart to
BE something to Him and to others, they are too much to ignore. so the cost will just have to be paid for this.) i said 'yes. yes i will go with You, even if another will not.' peace filled the room and the grip on my heart lessened considerably. He will somehow always protect and love me. and in this i can become a beautiful, strong woman. grace and beauty, knowing ultimate love and acceptance so that any human rejection can be born. to know the unfailing love of One that is passionate about me.
how could i say no?