Something, But Not Sure

so.... it has been two weeks working my crazy shift, three weeks of being ill which finally turned into the flu, and four weeks of october over already. where does the time go? of course if i re-read the first part of that sentence i will see where the time has gone.

it is my belief that monday starts at work around 8.30 and ends around 5, maybe 6 but i am still uncertain. the job is still over my head. turns out i will be carrying duties from the old position into my new one - until they hire a replacement for the evening shift. (it is my hope, and i pray about it at times, that someone will be there in a short few days. i really like the idea of only having new duties to deal with.)

i have been running through my list of blogs. it is hard when i do that because i often see what i do not have. there are pictures of babies and new homes with happy postings. people in pictures laughing and enjoying their relationships. keeps me looking at what it is i hope to have.
i find myself on my knees in the bedroom crying out to God from the deep disappointment in my heart. i continue to grow older and still my marriage seems so rocky and unfriendly - two strangers still. i hear of the children being born and how excited the parents are about the new life and excitement. bitter-sweet fills my heart - excitement and pleasure about the blessing given, and heart sick about the dream not realized - knowing that God will give me just as i asked 'a relationship where our children know they are loved and cared for. a safe place for children to land. a marriage where the children know the parents love one another and there is no doubt of it.' God is excellent in His answer. now to just trust He is doing this.
my throat is swollen and choked and tears sting my eyes. rob sits a few feet away. God is good and He will have His way. i must let Him help me be patient and trusting. i remind myself that there is nothing i can accomplish without His loving strength.

earlier i had been sitting on the couch wondering if i could still do a somersault. so i did one and hurt my shoulder (long suffering injury there...), but i did one. that sparked rob and he asked if i could do a toad something.. he then showed me one and proceeded to do hand stands, cartwheels, and head stands. it was great. we laughed and talked about little things. not quite like friends, but we awkwardly spoke.

two strangers... but God is doing something.

on a side note - mom have a wonderful time in israel.