What Seems Like The First Day

i have just gotten home from my 'first' mary kay make-up class. it went well and i am pleased with the presentation. not exactly what i hope for, but i can tell it went fine. very much enjoyed the gals there and already have a new booking for another class.
i am enjoying the business. well i enjoy getting with gals and trying the products. i like to get the feedback on the products and love being with other gals.
it has been a long day, and the night seems to be gone already - seeing how it is after midnight. i am so ready to go to bed.

my hope is to be up around 4.30. not sure if that is possible at this point in time yet.
this morning i got up and spent the first hour with God. it was wonderful and i was amazed at how the time flew by. my purpose was to be refueled, restored. have some life put back into my step. i realize that no matter the exercise or diet i follow. there is nothing that will fill me like His presence. i can take wonderful nutritious vitamins, and sleep 8 hours. i can beautify my body and spend lots of time perfecting my look. but there is no replacement for His Presence. it is always what i need. this morning He reminded me to take a moment when things get stressful and give it - whatever it is - to Him. just a moment and i can have peace again. amazing what He offers. it will take some time and plenty of sticky notes planted in inconspicuous places to get that down. it will sure be worth the effort. (umm if it can be called effort - it takes concentration to stop and hand stress over to Him. hehehe)

He is where i find safety and peace. He is strong and bold on my behalf. Whom else will i want? He is everything i need.

'Lucy, You Have Some 'Splainin To Do.'

k, it has been a little while. some would argue nothing has been happening for that time. me - weeeeelllll it has been busy.
i am working a 40+ hour job. it is pretty stressful right now. i am not sure why, but it is. it seems like a straightforward job, yet there seems to be so much time taken up by what, i think, should be simple tasks. AND of course all the added items piled up on my already piled up pile. i guess i may have to tell some people that their immediates can not super-ceed what i am already trying to immediately get done. otherwise every thing falls farther behind. sounds easy, right? i'll get back to you on that one.
in january - i think - i joined the mary kay company with my husband's conscent. now i am a small business owner, and i am quickly finding out that takes hours too. i feel so far behind already. i had two main reasons: i wanted to meet gals, and i really wanted a safe place for ladies to come and see the beauty process God wants to do in their lives. mk is a great tool, but it starts with God and what He says about us as one-of-a-kind treasure. i believe i had a go-ahead and am doing what i can to not get nervous about the details i know nothing about. you can check my website here.
rob and i have been working out most mornings. we get up and out the door in time to be at the gym around 5am. makes long days so i am not quite as consistant as i would like to be, yet i see my time and speed increasing and am very pleased. i take the time on the elliptical machine to concentrate on Jesus and just know that He loves and cares for me. i pray about what i see, what i don't see. i just spend time talking to Him and He continues to give me wonderful visions.
the latest one is knowing that He never looks away from me. i have never experienced the passionate and unwavering look of a pure gaze upon me. He told me He has never looked away from me. even during the times of great darkness and confusion He knew He could get to me. He was never embarrassed by my mistakes, never ashamed of me. never wanted to look away. to me that is powerful. i have often been shamed and embarrassed. i have often had horrible attitudes and judged so unfairly. i am not honest or good by my own accord. yet He kept me in His sight knowing He would have me as His own.
what risk He took. realizing that at any time i could decide something else would suffice - often i did look to others and empty things to grant me a false sense of value and love. many times i have shamed myself in my search for meaning and life. yet He still kept on calling my name. what a wonderful love story. it is my personal story. we each have one, some of us hope to find ourselves in something or someone. truly we can only be found in Him. all in all the past few weeks and months have shown me a great God. He moves on my behalf in me and around me. i am not sure He will ever have the same time frame i try to keep, yet He is moving and i can see it.
so there is a BRIEF snyposis of the past months. if you have questions please comment and i will get back to you.

Alright, I Am Ready Now

woo hoo - i have my new mini laptop, all kinds of pictures, and other new equipment. i am so excited to do this now. afraid it will take me all night, but here i go.
went to las vegas for christmas. had a great time. we saw all kinds of wonderful hotels and casinos. lots of things there to look at day and night. also spent two wonderful days not doing a thing - that was great too.
here is hoping i can get all my picts and videos uploaded :)







here are a few picts to enjoy
lion - will have to find the hotel...

Christmas at the Bellagio Conservatory & Botanical Gardens
tree at the Bellagio
the Eiffel tower at the Paris display
not sure - just lots of lights
more beautiful lights
lion enclosure at the MGM Grand
one of the lions at MGM Grand
thirsty lion after the 'snack' and 'walk'
close up of the lion after snacking
lioness licking the glass at MGM Grand display
beautiful mountains on road trip to Vegas
another beautiful scene while driving to Vegas

sooner or later i will come back to this page and put in the info for the hotels that are in this entry.

Quick One

here i am sitting on my living room couch. i have just eaten some fantabulous ravioli. i am typing on my new mini computer given to me by rob. all the while watching tv in the background. (rob is drinking eggnog and trying to stay warm in his shorts...)
i have been cleaning and painting this weekend. trying to get the decorations up. just not happening. don't feel much christmas spirit - not even sure what it is supposed to look like. i don't really think it should be about the decorations and pressure to get the house in order. simply seems that my tradition has been to decorate an empty home. anyway, just the way it is - not sure what to do about it, if anything.
i am looking forward to this weekend, hopeing i can get all i would like to have accomplished by saturday finished. we shall see. i have steam cleaned the carpet and need to finish up in the computer room/office and our bedroom. hopeing to have a houseguest, again not sure if it will happen or not. i am glad God is capable to do whatever needs to be done.
well i am going to sigh off now. getting tired and there is still laundry to put away and the kitchen to clean up... wow so much to do. i find i am just tired and ready to crash most days after work. five a.m. is early...
night.

Let's Catch Up Here

wwwwwwwwwwwooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! so i am reminded that once upon a time i was blogging, like mad... and i look here to find that i have not posted since nov 1. what the heck??? where have i been???!!!

for starters:

the job is going great. i have finally found a rhythm - only took a month (that is dripping with sarcasm.. guess i thought i would just step in and know what i was doing. that is a totally different issue tho - something to do with the strange expectation that i am perfect....) <--- needs to be blown out of the water. :) tehetehe..
but really i think i have found the steps i need to put into motion so i can be organized and assist in organizing the office.
hope it looks something like this:
Monday -transcripts
Tuesday - mail run, transcripts
Wednesday - assist with academic records, classrooms cleaned up.
Thursday - financials and car, follow up on packets to registrar and transcripts.
Friday - class room schedule and orders for Saturday completed.
along with these duties are setting up and cleaning up classrooms on a daily basis. this is hard because the phones have to be covered while i am doing this and it often takes longer than i would like it to. and the technical issues...

now for personal. because i am so not what i do.
this process of discovering 'the one made by a loving Father' has been hard, challenging, tearful, scary, and very rewarding. things are not as quick as i would like - probably never will be. time to just accept that (easy said, very hard doing...).
i have read 'the velveteen woman' - great book, if you are looking to find what it is to be real, on a real level with God this is perfect.
checking out 'boundaries in marriage' this deals with putting boundaries on my behaviour and not allowing other influences to state who i am and what i am. this is a tough book too but very freeing.

God shows me a beautiful place reserved for me. He is enjoyable and fun. i feel so loved and wanted. there is joy in the midst of this strange situation and healing of wounds i forgot were there. i face the ugly behaviours and beliefs i have carried all my life with the eyes of a loving Master.

HOW DO I EXPLAIN WHAT I AM EXPERIENCING???!!!

this is something YOU have to experience yourself.

God is so loving and it seems crazy to have been running from His arms for so long. i thought i was punishing Him for not healing my heart, fixing my marriage, and straightening out my life. what i did not realize was i was crippling myself. how could i have anything change without knowing i was so loved and desired??? kind of supersedes the need to be prettiest and have others love me as the most wonderful of all. (reminiscent of all the fairy tales..)

truth: i will always desire love and relationship with others - God put it there. i will always want my husband's love, he is the one i chose to spend life with.
my happiness does not rely on rob. or any love from human people. i have found that i so often let others down and do not love the way they need to be loved, what was i thinking demanding it from them? they can no more provide what i need than i can provide what they need. God can work through me to fulfil the need in others but i will never be the provider. neither can another fulfil me.. (again this sounds great, but is sooo hard. it is hard to constantly forgive and let go that i want SOMEONE to give me all i want and need other than God.)

what does all this mean? hmm why don't you take it to the One who's love is pure and ask Him... there are tons of questions to ask, just be ready to see He loves you sooooo.

Something, But Not Sure

so.... it has been two weeks working my crazy shift, three weeks of being ill which finally turned into the flu, and four weeks of october over already. where does the time go? of course if i re-read the first part of that sentence i will see where the time has gone.

it is my belief that monday starts at work around 8.30 and ends around 5, maybe 6 but i am still uncertain. the job is still over my head. turns out i will be carrying duties from the old position into my new one - until they hire a replacement for the evening shift. (it is my hope, and i pray about it at times, that someone will be there in a short few days. i really like the idea of only having new duties to deal with.)

i have been running through my list of blogs. it is hard when i do that because i often see what i do not have. there are pictures of babies and new homes with happy postings. people in pictures laughing and enjoying their relationships. keeps me looking at what it is i hope to have.
i find myself on my knees in the bedroom crying out to God from the deep disappointment in my heart. i continue to grow older and still my marriage seems so rocky and unfriendly - two strangers still. i hear of the children being born and how excited the parents are about the new life and excitement. bitter-sweet fills my heart - excitement and pleasure about the blessing given, and heart sick about the dream not realized - knowing that God will give me just as i asked 'a relationship where our children know they are loved and cared for. a safe place for children to land. a marriage where the children know the parents love one another and there is no doubt of it.' God is excellent in His answer. now to just trust He is doing this.
my throat is swollen and choked and tears sting my eyes. rob sits a few feet away. God is good and He will have His way. i must let Him help me be patient and trusting. i remind myself that there is nothing i can accomplish without His loving strength.

earlier i had been sitting on the couch wondering if i could still do a somersault. so i did one and hurt my shoulder (long suffering injury there...), but i did one. that sparked rob and he asked if i could do a toad something.. he then showed me one and proceeded to do hand stands, cartwheels, and head stands. it was great. we laughed and talked about little things. not quite like friends, but we awkwardly spoke.

two strangers... but God is doing something.

on a side note - mom have a wonderful time in israel.

Here Is The News

okay, more whirlwind. i believe the date was october 13th. a position opened at work for full-time days. i was given the option to take it or at least let them know what i would like to do. full-time has been swirling around for months, but nothing available or optional so i really thought it was not ever going to happen. my initial response was a no - i could not leave the evenings open. too much going on to not have a body there to troubleshoot what ever comes up. so i said 'no, i can't switch to days yes i do want the full-time hours.' i went home and began looking for the best way to get forty hours in one week, and be sure all the evenings and sat morning class would be covered. looked something like six days a week or four ten hour days (and where would we find someone wanting to work 9-12 m-th 9-3 fri and 9-1 sat - six days??). as i prayed it dropped in that days would be perfect. i would have evenings off, weekends off, opening opportunities to pursue friendships, schooling, church activity, even cooking supper... my heart tore about leaving the evenings with no replacement, but i was certain that the days would be the best course. i began a prayer for favour and realized that this road was being led by God and He had already given me favour. i went to my supervisor and told her what was going on. she passed the word onto the people that needed to know i was wanting the new position. so long story short - i am now the Oklahoma Wesleyan University Office Manager for our campus. i am thrilled with the benefit package provided and the options i get as a full time employee. God has far exceeded my desires for my job. i am stunned at how quickly it has happened and how wonderful the blessing of it all. i can fully take care of myself financially and have added wonderful benefits to our family. amazing.
i can continue a relationship with my wonderful supervisor (i have two at the moment until mon nov 3rd) and let it grow into friendship beyond where it is now. the opportunities at church have just blown open. and God has connected me in with people i have wanted to become friends with. i am very excited - just in case you have not gathered that.
every 'issue' i had with taking this evening reception job last january have been resolved. just amazing.
and to top it off - i made an agreement that God is honouring. He is seeing it through. i had no idea how to make it happen but according to the information i had rob and i in agreement, i gave my word that we would be doing something in 12 months. then it blew up and i thought it was lost, wondering how i was going to honour my word. and i see that God is honouring it. again WOW